The FACADE is Crumbling...

Disclaimer: This is a very honest post... It's intent is just to express what I am thinking and feeling. I have always been (and will always be) open about the things I think and feel in hopes that it helps others know they're not alone... I am very much aware that what I FEEL is not always REALITY, and that I cannot fully trust the feelings I have. BUT, I also cannot discount them. I face them head on and always rely on God's truth to help sort things out.

I am drowning. There's no other way to describe it than that I am drowning. The sea of events and emotions and thoughts have overtaken me, and my "fake it 'til I make it" attitude is getting harder to maintain. I can feel myself cracking under the pressures of everyday life, and you throw in a pandemic and uncertainties about school/work for our family, and I seriously feel like I am going to lose it. 

The person most people see is a strong, confident woman who has everything under control. In reality, I am crumbling under the weight of life and bear no resemblance to the facade I portray. I don't know what I'm doing... I don't know how to help my boys as they struggle with school. I spend so much time trying to help them maneuver through tough choices and negative feelings about school, and yet I feel like we are getting no where. 

I question my parenting as I witness my oldest crying because of school issues and my 11 year old act so rude and ungrateful towards us. "What am I missing?" is a regular question I ask in our house. I don't understand my boys. I don't know how a boy thinks. And it shows. They're growing up, which is amazing for them! But as they grow up, they are no longer needing me as much. They need their dad. They need the men in our tribe that we have built. I truly believe that we could go days in our house with me hiding somewhere, and no one would be bothered by that. Their attention and energy all go to my husband, because Dad is cool. Me, not so much... I'm just mom.

I question everyday if my choice to work, or where to work, is the right one. The boys aren't really get 100% of me, and I worry that working is hindering them. And then there's the whole idea of subbing. I want so badly to make a difference, and to be an excellent teacher while I'm there. But, I find myself feeling insecure and unsure that I am actually being helpful or effective. I LOVE where I sub. I LOVE the students and the teachers. But every day I feel nauseous as I head to school because I'm scared I will mess up or that I won't know what I'm doing. And most days I leave wondering if I made a difference or if I totally screwed up what I was supposed to teach. (In case you didn't know, I am NOT, nor ever have been, a certified teacher. I am not even sure how I was allowed to sub in the first place!) I want to be more than a place holder or just a "breathing body"... I want the students to feel safe and secure when their regular teachers are out. I want the teachers to be able to know their students are well cared for. And it wouldn't hurt if the students actually learned things, too!

I question my abilities as a wife and a friend. I make our marriage hard. I make it hard for Kevin to live with me. Not intentionally, but just by being me. I am emotional and difficult to understand. My lack of energy and constant hurting leaves Kevin the majority of the housework. My insecurities and needs cause a good bit of chaos.

I am not doing so great as a friend, either. I have not been good at keeping in touch or making time. My own little world feels so overwhelming that I have allowed it to get in the way of being emotionally there for them. I feel like what little energy and emotional capacity I have is being sucked up by the four boys in my house. And I don't like it. I miss my friends. A LOT!

I question as to where I fit in in our new church. The boys and Kevin have settled in so nicely and I still don't know where I belong. The church is AMAZING, and I am so happy we started attending there. But I don't know what I should be doing there. I don't know how my gifts will fit in with what's there (or even what gifts I really have to offer).

I could go on for hours about all of the things I question. The pandemic alone brings on a very long list of things I question... How can we be even remotely confident in the decisions we make about where to go, what to do, when the "experts" can't even agree?

There is something I don't question... I don't question God's love for me. I might question what He's doing (I do that often), but never His love for me. I hold very tightly to the knowledge I have of Him. The questioning, the lack of confidence only brings me closer to Him, because I wouldn't be able to get through the day without Him. I get up everyday relying on His strength, because I have no strength of my own. I know I'm not alone, even when sometimes I feel alone. My confidence in Him allows me to weather the storms that come, even if it looks quite ugly as it's happening (and trust me, it is quite ugly right now!). This will pass. This will also return someday. It's just who I am and how I'm wired. But, just as I know it will pass and return, I KNOW that I will be okay. Because I have a God that loves me more than anything.

Things I Want My Sons to Know

It's definitely a crazy time we are living in! So much is happening around us, impacting us. So many questions, concerns, fears. At the end of the day, I find myself praying that I did enough to help my boys with their fears. That I answered their questions and concerns with enough confidence that they can sleep at night. I don't hold all of the answers, only God does. Sometimes all I can give is a caring, "I don't know." I can't fix any of what's going on. I can't wave a magic wand and make things disappear. I can't force others to act kindly and respectfully. BUT, what I can do is love and raise my boys the way God wants me to. I can teach them, and guide them, and yes, even discipline them, so that they grow up to be amazing men. And as they grow and mature, these are the things I want them to know:

1. God loves you more than any single human can, even me (and that's saying a lot because I'm your Mama). God created you, chose your parents for you, protects you. He will NOT fail you (even when it feels like He is). He will be there for you ALWAYS. 

2. Daddy and I are flawed people. We make mistakes... A LOT. Grace and forgiveness is needed daily because although we love you with everything in us, we will fail you. 

3. The world is an amazing and scary place. Look for what God is doing in the world in the midst of the bad stuff. Good, amazing stuff is out there, too! Find it in the big stuff, in the little stuff. See the beauty in amongst the ugly. 

4. Name calling is NEVER needed. You can always get your point across without ever having to call another person a name. If you accidentally do call someone a name, immediately apologize. Because, again, name calling is not needed.

5. You WILL disagree with other people. OFTEN. It's the beauty of being human. Of being different from others. IF we were all created to think exactly the same, we would be very boring people!

6. WHEN you disagree with people, respect is ALWAYS needed. There should never be a time where you are disrespectful because you don't agree/believe in what another person is saying. (Honestly, there should just never be a time you are disrespectful at all). Bad mouthing, putting people down, mocking people are all ways of showing disrespect, and it is uncalled for.

7. Words are extremely powerful. They can build people up or can tear people down. YOU have the power to use your immense vocabulary to help others. YOU can impact other positively or negatively by the words you choose to use. Think before you speak. Ask yourself: Is what I am going to say helpful or harmful?

8. TRUST is NOT free. It is so important for you to have people in your life that you trust. People you know you can go to for help and advice, that you can trust to keep you safe. It is just as important that people can trust you. You earn trust... It is not assumed or free. It is earned through being honest and reliable. You earn other's trust by meaning what you say and saying what you mean. Be the friend that people can come to and feel safe. Tell the truth, even when it's hard.

9. Life on Earth is NOT FAIR. We live in a broken world, with hurting people. We live with injustices all around us. People fight for the rights of others to make this world be a little more fair. Be the person who sees the injustices and fight for what's right. But also accept that at times, life just isn't fair. You may not get the promotion you want. You may lose more family members to cancer or other illnesses. This side of heaven will not always be fair. 

10. HELP others. Be aware of the needs around you. Open doors for people. Pick up items left on the floor at the store. Offer to reach things off the top shelf for those not as blessed with height as you are. Volunteer whenever/wherever you can. YOU are God's hands and feet. Use your gifts and talents to help.

11. Be a CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF SOCIETY! We have taught you that from the time you were very little. Be involved. Do the work. Use what God has given you. We taught you to do chores, to earn money, to work hard because we want you to grow into strong, contributing members of the world you live in.

12. YOU are an unbelievably amazing person. YOU were created to do great things and I know that God has big plans for you. Each of you will have a different journey... One that will look far different than your brothers' journeys. That's because God created you to be YOU, not your brothers. God designed you to be unique. Being like everyone else is boring, anyway! Accept who you are. Embrace who you are. Your quirks, your flaws, your strengths are all a part of who you are. I want nothing more than for you to walk through your lifetime with confidence in who God created you to be.

13. YOU ARE LOVED MORE THAN WORDS COULD EVER SAY. Your Daddy and I have prayed for you since the moment we knew we were expecting you. There is nothing more amazing than to love you and care for you. We are privileged to be your Mom and Dad!! We are proud of who you are and for the things you are doing. And, no matter how hard things may be, or how angry your dad and I might seem, we will ALWAYS LOVE YOU. NOTHING can ever change that. EVER!

This Season of Life is HARD

 Well, we did it. We moved. We left our 200 year old farmhouse that we called home for 15 years and bought a beautiful 5 year old colonial house just 4 minutes away. The entire process, from preparing the old house to selling and buying to moving out and then in, has been a roller coaster of emotions! In the middle of settling in to the new house, we are also trying to prepare for a new school year for everyone. At the end of the day, when the busyness of the day is over, I am left feeling so many things I didn't expect... 

Back in June as we prepared for selling our old house, I had posted about how sad I was to be leaving behind such an amazing house filled with so many memories. I thought the feelings would slowly pass as the excitement of the new house grew. But one week into living in our new house, I feel kind of homesick for the old house. The house that smelled like us. The house that made me feel like I was "home". It was familiar and we had made it our very own. I miss that house. I miss that "home" feeling. I miss sitting at the desk I built and seeing our "rent-a-dog" (the neighbor's chocolate lab) wandering around the yard. I miss the kitchen island, with the small knot in it that looked like a heart. 

Don't get me wrong, we have a wonderful house now. The old house definitely had it's flaws! But after 15 years, it became a part of me. And my touch was in every room. Our new house is big and feels empty. I don't have that "home" feeling yet. I drive up to the house, and it still feels like someone else's house. It just brings me feelings of being overwhelmed, as our to-do list is quite long. I pray that changes. I pray over time it feels like our home. 

It hasn't been an easy week or month or couple of months. The to-do list keeps getting longer. My excitement has dwindled and I often feel like I am drowning in boxes and school supplies and school schedules. I am grateful that our boys don't have to change schools because of our move. Benjamin got permission to stay at Red Mill, which is great for him. Zachary starts Middle School and will attend the same school as Tyler. And Patrick starts his freshman year of high school (okay, so that brings on a whole new level of emotions!). I cannot imagine what it would be like for everyone if we also had to completely change schools...

Although we're not having to change schools, so much is different. Our district made the hard decision to start the year off with distance learning. So, all four boys will be home doing a pretty typical school day. And the idea of that overwhelms me. Four different grades, four different personalities, four different rooms (to ensure they can do their online participation without interruptions). At the end of last year, it was much more simply structured, where there was more review of work, and less actual grading. This year we truly are doing school from home. Will I be enough support for the boys? How am I supposed to help Patrick with his classes should he need it? How do we manage the different schedules? 

I miss what we had in the beginning of March. I miss the boys going to school (and I know they miss it even more). I miss working with the students and teachers at the Elementary School. So much has changed... and my heart aches for what was.

In the last several months, I have had to say goodbye to a lot of things I have loved deeply. Our old way of life, including work and school. Our old house. Our cat, Ruth. Our sanity. Some things can be replaced, some things will eventually go back to "normal". Some things will never be the same. But, through it all, I know that God is at the heart of all of it. The new house is an amazing gift from Him that even a year ago, we would have never thought we could ever get. I see the good. I see the amazing blessings in the midst of the hard stuff. But, in this moment, it doesn't feel good. It feels sad. I feel sad. 

In a few months, I am confident that my feelings will shift. In a few months, the new house will have more of our personal touches. It will definitely smell more like us. And I won't have to remind myself to NOT turn right to head to the old house. I will miss our old house less. The boys will be in some kind of routine, and maybe, just maybe actually be back physically in school. Until then, I will hold on to the fact that God has given us very GOOD things, even if they don't currently feel so good.

Hard Conversations

I have been wanting to write some things that have been on my mind for quite a while, but haven't been able to find the right words... It's so hard to express myself sometimes, as I feel so deeply that my vocabulary cannot reach. God's been prompting me, over and over again to write, and so I sit hear doing just that. I write as a way to connect to God. I write as a creative outlet. I also write in hopes that someone will be touched, will be changed, will be encouraged... And tonight I write as a way to express the deep ache I feel in my heart for all that is going on and for how it is impacting my boys.

2020 has certainly NOT been kind. Each month we seem to be faced with another challenge, another reminder that we do in fact live in a fallen and broken world. COVID keeps it's grip on our country, not discriminating against young or old. Racial tension and awareness brought out both the good and the bad in people. We are in the throws of an election year that is beyond ugly. Summer as we have known it disappeared. The new school year will be nothing like any other year. 

I have thoughts and feelings about all of it. But what I have spent the past several months focused on are the four boys in my house who have questions about ALL of it. And their questions are hard. They're insightful. They have been questions that have stopped me in my tracks and have left me weeping over them. I realized months ago that I had a much bigger calling in front of me than just to survive a stay-at-home order or to get creative with our summer plans. This year, my calling as "mama" was (and still is) to help my growing boys to process their world and to help them make heads or tails of a very hard time.

When the boys were little, I thought that we were in the hardest stage of parenting. When my youngest was born, we had a newborn, 1 year old, 2 year old, and a just barely 4 year old. We had 3 in diapers for a year. I hadn't slept in years. I didn't have enough arms to keep a hold of them all. It was a hard stage! As they got older, and were all mobile, wrangling them was ridiculous! It was hard. But this year, I have realized THIS is the HARDEST stage yet. THIS is where the rubber meets the road. Where all of those years of getting to know each boy, getting to know their hearts has come into action. THIS is where they are now using the beautiful brains and hearts that God has given them to form their own thoughts and feelings. And wow do they have some BIG thoughts and feelings! 

Questions started flooding in from each boy when COVID first hit. They wanted to know the details, the facts. They wanted to see the charts and understand the data. Kevin and I helped them to understand what they were reading as best we could. As we moved from thinking this all was temporary to realizing how serious things were, the questions became harder. The main question: "What if one of us gets COVID?" They'd go through the people they love dearly and wondered WHAT IF... My response, "What if they do? What could that mean?" And with each boy, we journeyed down the what if trail, always ending with, "No matter how sad, or how hard, or how scary, God's got us. We'll be okay." 

I wish those were the only hard conversations we had to have, but no... more questions came as the boys watched how racism impacts their world. "Why would anyone see someone as less of a person because they're not the same color?" "God made us all in HIS image, so wouldn't that mean that black and brown people are in His image, too?" Our Benjamin, who loves and feels deeper than any of the boys, tried so hard to understand why it was happening. He would tell me often, "Mama, I like the different colors of skin. We'd be boring if we were all one color. Why can't people see that? Why do people get treated different?" The innocence that once existed is long gone. And in those conversations, I found myself lost for words. I had to rely on God for the answers.

The hardest type questions the boys have asked start with, "Why do people...". "Why do people riot?" "Why do people hate other people so much?" "Why do people call other people names just because they don't like what the other person is saying?" "Why do people hurt other people?" Boy, do I miss the "why is the sky blue" type questions!

There is no easy (or right) way to answer those questions. So, we carefully maneuver through the minefield until the boys are satisfied (for the moment). At times I feel inept and unqualified to answer their questions. But, I am humbled to be a part of that journey for them. 

In 20 years, when they look back on 2020, I pray that they remember these conversations. I pray that they find assurance that no matter what, that God has them. I pray that they continue to have the kind, loving hearts they have now and that they can go out into the world and make a difference. 

This parenting thing is so unbelievably hard. The ache that I feel for each boy grows as they share more of what's on their hearts and minds. But I feel so blessed that God chose me to be their mama, to be the one who can be their soft place. We are called NOT to keep them from the hard stuff, but to help them maneuver THROUGH the hard stuff. And that is where I choose to spend my energy... on helping them, guiding them, shaping them. Even when it's hard!

I don't know what else 2020 will bring... but God's got us, and we will be okay. My Benjamin says so!

Home is Where my Family is...

It’s June... we, as a whole, survived the last quarter homeschooling due to Covid. We learned a lot about each other and ourselves. We made the best of what was going on, and I truly believe we came out better than when we entered.

With that said, there were some things that didn’t go so well. In the midst of being “stuck” at home with the six of us for weeks on end, we found that space in our little farmhouse was getting harder and harder to find. Our ever-growing giants, as I lovingly call them, are getting too big for our house. Patrick’s almost 6 foot at not yet 14 years old. The other three continue to grow like weeds as well!

We came to the realization that either we needed to add on to the house OR we needed to move to something a little bigger. After a huge disappointment of not being able to work out adding on to our house, we made the decision to pursue buying a new house. And this was NOT what I really wanted... and honestly, there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to leave.

I love this house. I love that we have taken apart almost every room and put it back together again. We have poured our blood, sweat and tears into this home. And I don’t want to leave it. But, in the same breath, I am excited to see what house God has waiting for us. Maybe it’ll be a house we don’t have to fix, but just make it our own... Maybe it will be a house big enough for the boys to have a place to hang out with their friends and still allow Kevin and myself a place to hang out as well. I guess we’ll find out soon enough!

In less than one week, our house will go on the market. Pictures of each room will be out there for everyone and anyone to see. And it makes me sad. They won’t know what we changed. They won’t see how we had to tear down horse hair plaster and cleaned the dust from that plaster for weeks after. They won’t know that the small bedroom barely bigger than a walk in closet was where four beautiful babies slept throughout the years. They won’t know that the red room downstairs was where A LOT of the hard work happened with Tyler and Benjamin during therapy, and then became the center of our business. I know the people looking at the house won’t care. But I do.

This is the house we walked through Christmas Eve of 2004 and could see the potential it had. Kevin moved in and began the process of making it our own. Little did we know what the coming years would bring. We celebrated the birth of the four boys. We mourned the loss of our daughter. We maneuvered through developmental delays for two of the boys. We threw parties and dinners, and shared life with those we love. Job changes, surgeries, broken bones all happened here. We started our business here. We worked our tails off to move from being out of control financially to being only months away from being debt-free. And we’re leaving it...

I guess the biggest thing is that this is where I grew up. Like, truly grew up. I had my childhood home back in NJ. But this is the house where I grew the most. I was 25 when I moved into this house. I was young and naive. It wasn’t until after the boys were born that I really discovered who I was and began growing more confident in the woman God created. I am NOT the person I was when I moved into this house 15 years ago.

There is no question that God is leading us to a new home. We have prayed about this for months. He has blessed us as we take each step. I know He will continue to bless us. I know this is where our family is supposed to be headed. I know our new house will be amazing and that we will love it. I just didn’t think it would make me this sad and nervous...

God’s got this. He has a plan, and we’re trying to follow it. And as I continue to move forward, I will trust him. I will also allow myself time to mourn the loss of this amazing home and the memories we have created. God has been good to us these past 15 years. And He will continue to be good to us in our next home!

Embracing the Upheaval

We are two weeks into a seriously insane upheaval of our lives. 2 weeks ago, all 6 of us (as well as hundreds of thousands of others) walked out of schools unsure of when we would return. The Coronavirus is running rampant through the world, and it's impact will be felt long after life returns to "normal". Social distancing, e-learning, isolation, closures of everything but life-sustaining businesses, have become our lives. We have had to learn how to do church differently; how to do school differently. Fear, concern, anxiety, insecurities are running just as rampantly across the country and the world. The unknowns are looming over us like a big scary monster hiding under our beds just waiting to get us when we let our guard down.

Personally, the first week was pretty nice. We kept things low key. We had gorgeous weather for most of the week so the boys played outside for hours. (We are quite blessed to have four boys who all play together. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for those who don't have siblings to play with.) We had fun doing random learning activities, like finding the perimeter and area of our entire house. The boys asked questions about what was going on and we'd answer them as best we could. And if we didn't know, we all researched it. 

Week 2 has been harder for many different reasons. The boys are missing their friends and teachers. They're missing the routine and structure. And, they're missing learning... like "real learning", as our youngest says. So, we built in more structure. We're writing letters to friends. We're writing letters to teachers. We've begun more "real learning". The boys got into the new routine and are quite content.

Kevin started his 2nd job (part-time) on Monday. This was something we had already in motion before the Coronavirus hit. With not having to teach, he was able to spend more time during the day at his part-time job and then worked on his teaching stuff in the afternoon and evening. We have barely seen him... (Okay, we actually have "seen" him a good bit, but have not been able to spend time with him.) We were prepared for him not being around. We agreed this was worth the short term sacrifice to meet our goals. What we weren't prepared for was EVERYONE being home ALL OF THE TIME. In our heads, we had it planned out that him working so much wouldn't be so bad because the boys would be in school and I'd be working during the day. It would only be a few hours every night we'd be home without him. NOW, the boys are doing school from our kitchen table. We can't go anywhere at all. Kevin's working online with his students in our playroom. And, I have no job. 

For me, the hardest part is how lonely I feel; how much I feel purpose-less. As a substitute, I have absolutely nothing to do with planning and prepping. I have nothing to do at all. No way of helping the teachers prepare for a whole new venture. And, I was reminded this week how as much of a part of the team I might be when I am physically in the building, I am actually not a part of the team. I miss working. I miss the teachers. I miss the kids. I miss waking up in the morning and having something truly helpful to do. Sure, I have tons to do at home (but I can only clean and organize for so long before it gets old). I still have to help the boys in all of the many things they are doing and feeling. But there's something so fulfilling when I am helping OUTSIDE of the home, when I have purpose beyond my little world. And, to top it all off, we are now in a "stay at home" order, meaning we can't go for the life-giving random drives we love to take as a family.

BUT, I am learning to embrace this massive upheaval. I am trying to take everything I have learned over the years to focus on what God is trying to say in this time. This craziness won't go unused. And I know He wants me to seek Him in the midst of things. And, even on the worst of days, I can find the joy. I can find where I am truly blessed. I can see His hand in things. On days like today, where tears were many and my heart was heavy, I can still breathe. I can still find Him in the little things like budding flowers and the cool breeze coming in our open windows. 

I can't fight the upheaval. I can't magically make the unknowns become known. But I can embrace what is. 13 years ago today, I went to bed weeping over the loss of our daughter, unsure I could ever make it to tomorrow. 10 years ago, as we maneuvered through Tyler's delays and eventual diagnosis of being on the Spectrum, I didn't know how to move forward. There's been other upheavals in my life and God has always helped me to the other side. And I am confident that this time of upheaval will be looked back on in the same way. 

I'm not okay... But I will be!

It's been a rough couple of weeks here in the Schussler household. The stomach bug ran rampant through most of us, and we're still waiting to see if our oldest son will be hit with it. I've done more laundry in the last week than I have in a whole month. We're all very ready for sick season to be over!

There's been battles of wills, teenage angst, disappointments, and a sprinkling of some pretty neat things. We've had the highs of one son's team winning the Academic Bowl for 6th grade, our oldest making it into the Junior Honors Society, and good grades for another marking period for all four of them. But we also had to help our youngest process not getting into our Gifted Program (which his older brothers are all a part of), our oldest son's team not winning the Academic Bowl for 8th grade, and let's not forget the dislocated finger event. And it's all been within 2 weeks...

As I've been trying to steal some moments away, I've been trying to figure out what I think and feel about the past two weeks. And the main thing I feel is TIRED. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. It's hard on me when the boys get sick. Partly because I hate seeing them sick. But it's also because I am the person who must rearrange my life to take care of them. I am the one to cancel scheduled work days. I am the one who cleans up after them and does the insane amount of laundry.

I love the ability to stay home with them, but so much happens in my mind when things have to change. There was SO much internal guilt over having to cancel a work day... They were relying on me to come in and substitute and I had to cancel. I couldn't fulfill my responsibility. And then there was the guilt for being bothered that one son was sick and was causing me to rearrange my day. And then on top of all of that, there was guilt over the fact that I was mad at Kevin because he doesn't have to rearrange his life.

That guilt was brutal. And it took a lot of work to get past that. I wish I could say next time will be better, but I highly doubt it. It will be less. It has to be. But I don't think that guilt will ever go away completely. It kind of comes with the territory of being a mom.

The last two weeks got me thinking about how we interact with people... There were several people who had asked me how I was doing, how I was holding up. They asked because they care. But in those moments, I didn't answer truthfully. I would make light of things, make a joke, share a funny (but gross) story about the adventures of the stomach bug in a house of 6 people. But I couldn't tell them how I was REALLY doing. How I was feeling guilty and run down and so many other things. And it got me thinking about WHY I felt like I couldn't say what I was feeling.

I struggle to say "I'm not doing so great" to people. I struggle to show that I am struggling. Partly because I don't want to seem weak, but also because I know it's temporary. I don't want people worrying about me when I know it will pass. I don't want people to think I am stuck in a place of doom and gloom when I know it's just a moment. So I don't share.

But, what if I did? What IF I answered "I'm not okay. BUT, I will be." What if we all answered that way instead of the typical "I'm good."? I think we would feel less isolated and alone. I think we would be able to have better conversations with others. If someone said to me "I'm not okay. BUT, I will be", I would know to pray for them. Others would know to handle with care. Maybe it would deepen relationships...

So, here I am saying that I am not okay. But, I will be. Things are hard right now for a multitudinous of reasons... but it won't stay that way forever.

Reflecting on What God Has Done

Here we are, the year 2020... How did we ever get here? There are days where I still think we're in the early 2000's!! Time certainly feels like it flies by.

We had an amazing Christmas and New Year at the Schussler house! So much quality time together, so many opportunities to slow down and connect! The boys are older now, so gift giving is actually more fun, as they give each other gifts. It's always so fun to see them get excited to give their gifts!

Christmas 2019

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting about not only this past year, but this past decade. What a crazy ride it has been! 10 years ago, Patrick was 3, Tyler was 1 1/2, Zach was 6 months, and we had just learned that we were pregnant with Ben. We were what felt like barely staying afloat. There was very little sleep and a whole lot of crying (and not always from just the boys). I was preparing to follow my dream of working for our church part time. Kevin was in a job he hated. It was an insane time of life that I wasn't sure we would ever survive.

Christmas 2009

Ten years ago was also when I began to seek God more intentionally and his purpose for me. It was when I had begun the journey of finding myself. I had no idea where the journey was going to take me, but I knew it needed to begin. As much as I loved my boys and my life, I had a constant feeling of failure and guilt. I felt lost in the mix and didn't know how to love myself. I knew that if I was going to be the best Mama for my boys that I needed to find the me God had created.

And so began an amazingly wonderful, complicated, and scary journey. My job at the church kept shifting into new roles, roles I would never have thought I was qualified to do. Ben was born and finished our beautiful family. Several surgeries happened. Tyler and Ben were both blessed with Early Intervention help and Tyler was diagnosed with being on the Autism Spectrum. Kevin was on his own journey, and after years of being afraid to follow his dream, he took the plunge and became a teacher! The boys all started school, and succeeded with each year.

This past year (2019) was probably the most intense and hardest year for me personally. The nine years before was hectic and always busy, but this past year was a different crazy. I had entered a place of Wilderness. I was preparing to leave a job that had been a part of my identity for almost a decade. My babies were growing into young men and my role in their life had begun to shift, especially with our teenager. I couldn't feel God, but I continued to seek Him. I began a new job as a substitute teacher that left me feeling insecure and sometimes incompetent. I was learning how to worship in the same place that had been my job, which was way more complicated than I had ever expected. Nothing about the year felt secure.

The path is not always clear.

But something changed in late November/early December... I had found that life felt less complicated, less hard. I could hear God's voice again. I could feel a sense of direction. There was peace in my heart for the first time in a while. I began to see that I didn't need to know what was coming next and that I could be happy with what IS. Worshiping became easier, became more comfortable. And, I learned to embrace the changes in my role as Mama for my ever changing boys.

I hated the time of wilderness. I hated feeling lost. I hated feeling far from God. But I am so grateful for it. 2019 became the year that made the whole decade make sense. It pulled all of the great things, the bad things, the crazy things together. And the journey of finding myself came to fruition. 

2020 will be a year of enjoyment. It will be a year to embrace who I am, where I am. It will be a year of seeing all the little ways God touches my life. I am excited to spend more time in nature with my camera, more time getting to know my boys (young men), and more time connecting with God.