Unsettled but hopeful...

Welp, Summer is upon us... The boys are home and I am off work until September. SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER! Some moments that's a lovely thing. Sometimes not so much. The noise, the smells, the messes are all feeling way bigger than they really are. The tween/teenage attitudes are flying and eyes are rolling. But, we're having a great time! We've already been on a couple of day trips, and have several more planned over the coming weeks. And let's not forget the annual beach trip!! I am so ready to put my toes in the ocean!!!

Having time off has been really good for me. I was starting to feel overwhelmed before the school year was over and this time has allowed me to catch my breath. As most people can relate to, it was a hard school year for all of my guys. Kevin had a tough class. The boys had a hard time adjusting to the many changes that were thrown their way. I worked a lot more days than in years past. Everything felt unsettled, as we were always waiting for more changes, more restrictions, more surprises.

Things are definitely leveling out as the pandemic restrictions are slowly lifting. People are a little less fearful, a little less anxious. The boys seem to be returning to their "normal" selves (although we all agree none of them are normal). We have new routines and spirits are definitely high!

Although everything is becoming more settled and less chaotic, I find myself still feeling unsettled. Over the past several months, I've been thinking a lot about my place and what God is wanting to do with me. The boys are getting older and are needing my constant care less and less. They are much more independent and even Ben, our baby, is not needing me in the same way anymore. 

As my role as mom takes on a new form, I'm left wondering what's next? After this coming school year, I'm going to be free to work pretty much wherever I please, as Ben will be old enough to get himself ready and on the bus all by himself. I feel like I should be excited about the next step, but I'm not... I'm just left feeling unsettled. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I'm qualified to do. I have spent my entire life dreaming about being a mom and never about a career. Almost every job I have had has been "dropped" in my lap by God and has fit perfectly into our crazy, hectic life. All of my work decisions have been heavily dependent on whether it would fit the life of a mom of 4 young boys.

I feel this strong desire/urge to take on more. It's hard to explain, but there's a deep sense or longing to do more with my life. To have a bigger impact on those around me. The problem is that I have no sense of what that it is. Kevin and I have some significant financial goals we'd like to meet, and a real, full time job would definitely help us reach our goals. But, the desire is more than just based on financial goals. I feel as if I am not fulfilling my full potential... Like I'm not using everything God has given me to my fullest ability.

It's a weird place for me to be in and I am definitely NOT a fan of it. I want a clear plan. I want to know what's next. I want to know the next steps so I can plan accordingly. But, it's just not clear. The desire is there, but the "what's next" is not. SO, I wait. And I pray. And I sit in the unsettledness until God shows me the next step.

I truly believe that God has something in store for me. Something that will bring me joy and Him delight. I pray it's something that impacts others in a positive way. I pray it's something that will help reach other goals. And I pray that I can be open to whatever it is He has planned and to move forward even if I'm nervous.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my guys, my summer off and the school family I have found through subbing. I am going to be content with how things are, even if it means our family and financial goals will be achieved slowly. There are so many amazing things happening in the here and now to appreciate, all while being aware and open to what's coming next. It's that weird "unsettled but hopeful" place of being... 

Unexpected Lessons Learned When I Say YES

A couple months ago I had been asked to speak at the Ladies' Retreat at our church. I wasn't expecting to be asked, and was certainly surprised that they wanted ME to speak. I could have listed a dozen women who would have made better speakers than me. BUT, I have learned over the years that God has different thoughts and plans, so I begrudgingly said yes. What I didn't know then was the impact that saying yes would have on me.

I spent the past couple months in preparation for the "big event", which was this past Friday and Saturday. Lots of prayer and planning went into my presentation on Joy in Jesus. LOTS of deleting and second guessing the material. LOTS of moments where I wanted to back out... Not because I was afraid of public speaking, but because I was afraid they chose the wrong person. I was afraid that I had nothing to offer the 70 some women and young ladies that were planning on attending. Whenever I started feeling that slight sense of fear, I'd remember that God can use anything to reach His children. I kept going back to Him in prayer, saying, "I don't know what you have planned. I don't know what you're doing. But, use me in whatever way you see fit." 

As the final week of preparation arrived, excitement and nerves came in waves. My slides were ready. My heart was ready. My head, not so much! The lies Satan told me during the days leading up to the event were strong. I held to the truths I know from God, but man did I question what I was thinking when I said yes. 

Friday night came, and the first speaker took the stage. She's a wonderful lady who has spent decades as a missionary in Latin America. She spoke so eloquently from the Bible. She knew the Bible inside and out. And as I watched and listened, I began to hear Satan tell me ALL the ways I wasn't like her. How I would never know the Bible like her. How I could never be as poised as she was. I went to bed that night terrified that I was the wrong person to be speaking...

The second speaker spoke Saturday morning, and I found myself freaking out even more. She, too, knew the Bible so well. Her method of teaching was much more put together and prepared than mine. My rough outline and slides approach certainly was NOT the same as either woman who had already presented. The panic rose inside me. Was my way going to scare people away? Would I sound less biblical? Would people realize how much I don't know? Will I make people seasick from my pacing on stage? Could God really use me to reach them? Would my presentation get me kicked out of the church? (Yes, that's a highly irrational thought and NO, on any other day I would not think that. BUT, Satan had really been trying to ensure that God did NOT shine through me that day.)

And as I sat there freaking out, a close friend reminded me of all the ways God makes us different. And how there are different ways to present because there are different types of people, all of whom learn and hear things differently. The table of women I sat with encouraged me to remember that God can use me no matter what. I pulled myself together. I pulled my thoughts back to God and told Satan to buzz off. 

When it came time for me to present, I left God in charge. I followed my slides (and my very rough outline) and let God do the rest. Much of the 2 hours is a blur to me... I'm not 100% sure of what I said, but I know people laughed and cried. I know during the two music videos I showed, the room filled with not only the voices on the videos, but the beautiful voices of the women sitting at the tables. I know God did His thing. And, even if NO other person was touched during that time, I know one person who definitely was... ME. Not by what I said, but how God taught me way more than I could have taught others.

As I have spent time processing that day (and the days leading up to that day), I am surprised at how much God has taught me. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how silly I was for freaking out over being different. He uses ALL of us. He made me the way I am to reach people who might not be reached in other ways. There were so many ways I could see Him in the whole process. And my doubt in His ability to use me has been replaced with utter amazement over how He can use little ol' me to teach ME a lesson or two! 

I have thought a lot about flowers... There are a lot of beautiful flowers in this world, and each one is as different as the next one. You have roses in a full array of colors. Irises are so tall and regal, while poppies are bright and fun. My favorite flowers, tulips, are so colorful and light (almost dainty) versus large sunflowers that hover above you. Each flower is pretty. Each flower is appreciated. Some people love roses, others tulips. It doesn't change their beauty just because they're different. Rather, it makes them special... We humans are the same. And I need to remember that often!

For the past several years, I've had this seemingly BIG (and unrealistic) dream to do speaking engagements on the lessons God has taught me and on parenting. If I'm being honest, my ultimate dream is to be the "Dave Ramsey of parenting". (If you don't know who Dave Ramsey, he's the guy who started Financial Peace University.) I never, EVER thought it would ever be more than a dream. I don't know if it will ever come to fruition. But what I do know is that this Saturday proved to me that some of the things holding me back from pursuing that dream shouldn't be holding me back. Those fears of not being someone else will continue to bubble up, but God keeps reminding me how He never wanted me to be like anyone else in the first place. No matter what comes of things, I will work towards embracing me for me and allow God to shine through me in whatever way He deems necessary. I will be a confident tulip, even if I'm in a field of sunflowers!

The Other Influences (and why a tribe is necessary!)

Warning to ALL parents of young children: this too will be you some day! Read this post with understanding that every phase of parenting is a challenge AND every phase is also amazing!! It really just depends on the day as to which side you sway to!

Our household has been changing over the last couple years. We have moved from the crazy phase of baby/toddlerhood to the cute and inquisitive elementary and now into the attitudey "you don't know anything" pre-teen/teenage phase. Our youngest (THANKFULLY) is still the cute, inquisitive 10 year old, but let me tell you, the other three are definitely in the throws of the dreaded pre-teen/teenage phase! We are now in a place where we are praying that at least some of the stuff we taught them over their first decade or so STUCK, because they aren't hearing us now! It has become quite apparent that our influence is currently not the same as it used to be. And, even though I knew it was coming, it's way harder than I was expecting!

Our oldest son Patrick turned 14 back in July, and he has been our guinea pig since day one. Many of our parenting fails fell on him. And, they still do. We've never had a teenager before him. We've never dealt with the weird and awkward happenings of a teenage boy. Every "normal" developmental experience with him is new and scary and sometimes sad. He has struggled with school, not because it's hard, but because it's too easy. He's struggled with motivation. He's struggled with organization. All of these things made BIGGER because of the teenage-ness happening inside him. After years of trying to help him, I came to the realization I no longer had any helpful impact on him. I was just like the adults in any Charlie Brown cartoon... "Blah blah blah!" So, we reached out to his teachers, and magically, they were able to help him make adjustments which changed his trajectory. They didn't say anything new. NOTHING! It was everything I had been saying for years. BUT, it came from other people and suddenly sounded like sage, wise advice!

I could handle that. It was in the academic world. I think it's great that his teachers could work together to help him. I found it almost funny that years of me saying something sounded new and almost exciting when said by someone NOT me.

It wasn't so funny when the same kind of thing happened this weekend, only on a personal/spiritual level... While on our church's youth retreat, Patrick had an amazing, transformational moment. He was convicted by the preaching and reached out to the pastor and some leaders. The counsel they gave him, the prayers they prayed impacted Patrick and helped him mature as a Christian. They told him all the things I have been telling him for years, but he never really heard. He came home changed, not because of me, but because of them. And it made me sad. A huge moment in his young life wasn't impacted by the counsel of his mom, but by other people. 

Intellectually, I knew this would happen. I knew as the boys grew and matured that my influence would be less and less, and the influence of those around them would grow. And yet it still made me sad. I sat with the sadness for a little while. I wanted to be able to mourn the loss of the little boy that Patrick no longer is. As I sat in my sadness for that short time, a new feeling began to replace the sadness. It was pride... I am so unbelievably proud of Patrick for reaching out to the people he trusts. I am proud of the young man he is becoming and of the fact he is seeking to overcome the struggles he's having. 

There was also a level of gratitude for the pastor and the young leaders that counseled Patrick that night, and will continue to pour into him over the next few years. THEY are the tribe we have always wanted for our boys. They stepped up at the exact moment that Patrick needed them, when Kevin and I no longer can reach him like we used to. They will continue to disciple him, counsel him, and love on him. As a parent, it is so comforting to know that when our boys won't come to us, they have a tribe of people they can go to that we trust. 

Parents: there will come a day (if it hasn't already) that your children will not see you quite in the same light as they did when they were five. You will not be their everything forever. Who do you want them to go to when they won't go to you? Who do you want in your tribe? It's hard to think about our children not being able to come to us, but it will happen... If you had to choose people instead of you, who would they be? 

The Interesting Ways God Works!

Have you ever wondered what God is thinking as He watches us all flounder around through life? Do you wonder if He chuckles at us over the silly things we do? I often picture God like a dad... Someone who sits back and becomes highly amused by my antics. You know, the kind of dad that watches his daughter or son toddle around and says "that's gonna hurt" when they fall down? We have all been made in HIS image, which makes me believe that He has to have a great sense of humor. 

I've been thinking a lot about God and who He is and how He does things. I sometimes am amazed at the little ways He weaves things together at just the right time to "prove" He's with me and is FOR me. When I am intentional about keeping my eyes on Him, I get to see these glimpses of just how much He knows me and the things I need. Here is the most recent example:

As I have written about before, things haven't exactly been the easiest lately. My head has not been in the greatest of spaces and I definitely have NOT been the most pleasant of people to be around. I was starting to find less and less blessings and more and more negative things. God had a plan to turn things around... It wasn't until today that I realized how He was working.

A few weeks ago, I was asked to speak at our church's women's retreat in February. It seemed a little out of the blue to me, as I've only been attending the church for just under 6 months. But, I agreed to speak and was given a choice to speak on Abiding in Christ or Joy in Jesus. I went with Joy in Jesus because that's what I felt God urging me to pick. 

Over the next couple of weeks, I started planning what I would be talking about, reading a lot of Bible verses and looking through books on JOY. I have listened to a lot of stories women ( and some men) who found joy in Jesus in amongst their hard times. I watched MANY YouTube videos of Chonda Pierce (a Christian comedienne) who suffered great loss and yet found laughter in her darkness. As I have been working on the session I will be teaching, I have found myself more joy-filled. More at peace. With more hope. My attitude is changed. And what once felt like drowning seems so much more manageable. I have smiled more, laughed more. There's been a little extra pep in my step. NOTHING on the outside has changed. I am still balancing the boys' needs and my self doubts and the pandemic and a multitude of other things. BUT, the inside has changed immensely. 

God knew what I needed. He knew just how to make it happen. How interesting it is that He orchestrates even the little things. We as humans often learn the best when we have to teach it to others. I am definitely no different... preparing to teach on joy only helped me learn how to find and keep joy in my heart. I am so grateful that He works even in the little things!

I want to leave you with a quote from back of one of the books I have been looking through on joy. It struck me and has stuck with me... 

"Joy is meant to be ours, a joy that is defiant in the face of this broken world. This joy is not simply happiness on steroids; it's the unyielding belief that sorrow and loss do not have the final say. It's stubborn determination to be present to whatever may come and to interpret both goodness and grief by the light of heaven." Stasi Eldredge, Defiant Joy