Welp, Summer is upon us... The boys are home and I am off work until September. SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER! Some moments that's a lovely thing. Sometimes not so much. The noise, the smells, the messes are all feeling way bigger than they really are. The tween/teenage attitudes are flying and eyes are rolling. But, we're having a great time! We've already been on a couple of day trips, and have several more planned over the coming weeks. And let's not forget the annual beach trip!! I am so ready to put my toes in the ocean!!!
Having time off has been really good for me. I was starting to feel overwhelmed before the school year was over and this time has allowed me to catch my breath. As most people can relate to, it was a hard school year for all of my guys. Kevin had a tough class. The boys had a hard time adjusting to the many changes that were thrown their way. I worked a lot more days than in years past. Everything felt unsettled, as we were always waiting for more changes, more restrictions, more surprises.
Things are definitely leveling out as the pandemic restrictions are slowly lifting. People are a little less fearful, a little less anxious. The boys seem to be returning to their "normal" selves (although we all agree none of them are normal). We have new routines and spirits are definitely high!
Although everything is becoming more settled and less chaotic, I find myself still feeling unsettled. Over the past several months, I've been thinking a lot about my place and what God is wanting to do with me. The boys are getting older and are needing my constant care less and less. They are much more independent and even Ben, our baby, is not needing me in the same way anymore.
As my role as mom takes on a new form, I'm left wondering what's next? After this coming school year, I'm going to be free to work pretty much wherever I please, as Ben will be old enough to get himself ready and on the bus all by himself. I feel like I should be excited about the next step, but I'm not... I'm just left feeling unsettled. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I'm qualified to do. I have spent my entire life dreaming about being a mom and never about a career. Almost every job I have had has been "dropped" in my lap by God and has fit perfectly into our crazy, hectic life. All of my work decisions have been heavily dependent on whether it would fit the life of a mom of 4 young boys.
I feel this strong desire/urge to take on more. It's hard to explain, but there's a deep sense or longing to do more with my life. To have a bigger impact on those around me. The problem is that I have no sense of what that it is. Kevin and I have some significant financial goals we'd like to meet, and a real, full time job would definitely help us reach our goals. But, the desire is more than just based on financial goals. I feel as if I am not fulfilling my full potential... Like I'm not using everything God has given me to my fullest ability.
It's a weird place for me to be in and I am definitely NOT a fan of it. I want a clear plan. I want to know what's next. I want to know the next steps so I can plan accordingly. But, it's just not clear. The desire is there, but the "what's next" is not. SO, I wait. And I pray. And I sit in the unsettledness until God shows me the next step.
I truly believe that God has something in store for me. Something that will bring me joy and Him delight. I pray it's something that impacts others in a positive way. I pray it's something that will help reach other goals. And I pray that I can be open to whatever it is He has planned and to move forward even if I'm nervous.
In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my guys, my summer off and the school family I have found through subbing. I am going to be content with how things are, even if it means our family and financial goals will be achieved slowly. There are so many amazing things happening in the here and now to appreciate, all while being aware and open to what's coming next. It's that weird "unsettled but hopeful" place of being...
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