A Fear-driven Life

 I can't believe it's been a year since I last posted on here! Time has flown by and I am left wondering what else has zipped by me when I was busy doing other stuff!

Life is good here in the "land of giants" as I so lovingly call my home. The boys are enjoying their summer break, and are eating everything in sight! They are growing like weeds and it's hard to imagine what another couple years will look like since they're already so tall now. We officially have a Junior, a Freshman, an 8th grader and a 6th grader!! Kevin's doing amazing things at work and is loving living his dream. We foresee many new responsibilities coming his way over the next year or so!

And then there's me... Not much has changed in a year for me. I'm still Mama, the finder of all lost things and holder of the calendar. I have chosen to stay another year as the building sub for our elementary school. (Okay, it's not "our" elementary school anymore since Ben just moved up to middle school. But it will always be ours.) I'm enjoying the calmness of no school and spending time with the boys. It's all comfortable. Very comfortable. Very predictable. And I wonder if that's really what it should be like...

I don't know about you all, but I tend to live a very fear-driven life. But my fear doesn't seem to be the "normal" type fears. For instance, I don't typically worry too much about things like getting into accidents or getting sick. I'm aware that those things can happen, so I try to not be stupid with my behaviors, but I don't let those types of things affect what I do. I don't tend to be too frightened for my kids over new things, like my soon to be 16 year old learning to drive. I DO have an irrational fear of bees that especially in the past has gotten in the way. But, I have learned to not let it affect me as much. I've gotten close enough to them to get some amazing photographs without completely losing my mind! 

My fear is deeply routed inside of me. It keeps me from fully being who I can be. It keeps me from pursuing things that aren't in my comfort zone. My fear is of not only failure, but of success. And I don't know how to move past it. I'd like to say that I have chosen to continue subbing for another year because it's what I WANT to do. Because it's what I'm MEANT to do. Rather, I am continuing to sub because it's comfortable for me. I don't have to go and search for something different to do. I don't have to put myself out there to try to find a new job. By staying, I don't have to take the time to dig deep and really discover what God wants for me. (PLEASE HEAR ME when I say I do LOVE my job as a sub. I am very blessed to work with amazing people. I just never gave God the opportunity to show me anything different.)

I hold back from a lot of things because I am afraid that I could possibly be really good at it. It might sound weird, but I am often uncomfortable when people compliment me or when things I have done are recognized positively. I KNOW that what God has for me will be wonderful and most likely I'll be successful at it. There's a big part of me that doesn't want that. I don't know why. It'll be something I'll have to dive into...

Currently, my fear is holding me back from something I have always wanted to do and that is to write a book. I have found every reason under the sun to NOT write this book. Questions like, "Who am I to write a book? Who's going to read it anyway?" And often times the bigger questions are like, "What happens if it's successful? What happens if other parents start following my ideas/advice?" The fear, the uncomfortableness makes me stop in my tracks, and I find all the other things to distract me from sitting down and writing. 

Why am I sharing this? Because I feel that we all have certain things that we are afraid of. And those fears we have are maybe a little less "scary" when we say them out loud. I know I am not living the way God wants me to because He does not call us to live in fear. I know that the longer I allow my fears to keep me from doing the things I believe He wants me to do, the further away I get from Him. But it's a struggle for me. I would assume it can be a struggle for some of you who read my posts. 

Fear stinks! God and I have a lot of work to do (okay, I have a lot of work to do while God waits patiently for me to catch up on His plans)! This is me taking one step closer to not allowing fear to drive what I do or don't do... If I can get up close and personal with bees, maybe I can be less fearful of other things!