The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Ugly

When I started this blog many moons ago, I promised I would be honest... And, honest I have been. I tend to be an open book. Sort of. In person, especially when just in passing, I typically keep my personal junk to myself. But when someone genuinely asks how things are going, I will open myself up. And here, in blogland, I really try hard to be open and honest and vulnerable. Not because I want something from you all, but because I want you all to know that I am just like everyone else. I struggle, I succeed, I pout and whine, I celebrate... I trust God, struggle to see God, feel near to Him, feel far from Him... The crazy insanity of life here on earth has the same effects on me as it does on any of you. And I hope that in my honesty you find a nugget of truth for yourself.

With all of that said, tonight I want to welcome you into my current state of mind. It's totally a mix of the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, which I have found is how life just is.

As I sit here typing, I feel a mix of things. At first I thought I felt empty... But I realized that wasn't quite it. Then I was thinking I felt numb. You know, the feeling you get when you can't seem to feel anything. But that wasn't it, either. The more I thought, the more I realized I felt OVERFULL. (It's like when you eat a phenomenal meal and you keep eating long after your body says you're full. You can't move, your stomach almost aches, and you wish you were wearing an elastic waistband.)

Minus the whole elastic waistband, that's how I feel... I feel like I can't move, can't think, can't feel. My stomach almost aches, my head almost hurts. SO much stuff is happening in my life right now, both good and bad, that it has caused me to feel overfull.

God has been doing amazing things in me these past several months (and years)! I have grown and matured and seen myself do things that only He could have orchestrated. I have stepped out of my comfort zone more times than I can count, and when I establish a new zone, He moves me past that, too. He has helped my family focus on Him and how He wants us to live for Him. Even in the junk, He has proven time and time again that HIS plan is way better than ours. The GOOD has been amazing!

In amongst the growth (or maybe the cause of the growth) have come some pretty bad moments. Between health issues for both Kevin and me, we have not exactly been the most pleasant of people to be around. We have not been able to pour into the boys (and other aspects of our lives) the way we would like. A surgery for me, unknowns for Kevin until he goes in for his appointment this month have added new levels of stress for us.

And if that wasn't enough, we find ourselves struggling financially. But NOT like before. We pay our bills on time. We have money for food (just not for anything fun like ice cream or eating out). We have been focused and disciplined. We set forth goals... But life keeps happening and goals get postponed. The struggles are typically more about the things we can't have that we want. The real struggles are the frustrations that come when always doing the "right" thing and making the "wise" choice, when all we want to do is skip making dinner one night and go out to eat. Or when we want to save up for Christmas and the mortgage company says we owe money because they underestimated our taxes.

As always, raising four young boys has had it's fill of junk. The overwhelming pressure I put on myself to raise them "right" has led to many a sleepless night and many moments of feeling like a failure. Am I really enough for them? Am I meeting Tyler's needs? Am I being patient enough with Patrick? How many times am I going to lose it with Zachary over stupid stuff? Did we make the right decision for Ben to stay home one more year? Do they know they're loved? It's all the stuff that all moms (and dads) concern themselves with. Sometimes I just let it consume me, which is NEVER a good thing!

This is life. This is what we all go through. The highs, the lows, the good, the bad. But I have to admit, these past couple weeks, it has all built up into something downright UGLY! The normal life junk has led me (and Kevin too) to feel very overfull. Beyond stuffed. I can see God in this, and yet I can't reach Him. I NEED Him, and yet I am so overfull that I can't find the words to ask for help. I sat this morning during prayer time at work and I couldn't form one single sentence of prayer. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. I couldn't let out the cries of my heart.

Hope is there, and yet feels so unattainable. I have friends and family, and yet feel absolutely alone. I sat in service on Sunday, listening to everyone else singing, sobbing because I was surrounded by hundreds of people and yet I somehow felt alone. I knew then, and know now that it wasn't true. I wasn't (and am not) alone. But that's how I felt, and kind of still do.

In my head and in my heart is quite ugly right now. It's the horrible feeling of feeling overfull. I can see the good and the amazing things God is doing. I can feel the overwhelming pressure of life. I can hear the giggles of four little boys settling in for the night. I can sense God asking me to let it all go right now. And, if I am going to move forward, I have to do just that.

As I am writing this, "Be still and know that I am God" keeps popping in my head. Maybe, just maybe I don't have to move right now. Maybe I don't have to say anything to Him right now. Maybe I just need to be... He knows...

If The Devil Had His Way...

Wow, where has the time gone? Somehow it is now nearing the end of October! Thanksgiving and Christmas are rapidly approaching, and I somehow still feel left in August. So much has happened these past few months! God has been doing some truly AWESOME things in my personal life and in the life of able::life (our special needs ministry at church).

Somewhere along the journey of working for our church, God had called me to lead our special needs ministry. I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew God was wanting me there. It's taken 4 1/2 years, but God helped me to find my voice and more importantly my confidence to lead this ministry onto it's next steps. But here's the thing, it's taken 4 1/2 years... Not because it wasn't possible, but because I allowed the devil to have his way. I let fear and doubt interfere with what God was saying, which slowed everything down.

As so many awesome things are happening in the ministry, I have been thrown a curve ball. My health, which hasn't been the most spectacular this past year or so, has been interfering with daily life in significant ways. Some great doctors have helped work out most of the issues, but there's still one more thing left to deal with. I am scheduled to have surgery to remove my thyroid in 6 weeks, which should relieve the last nagging issues. Just as everything was falling into place, I find myself scared and unprepared. Fear has crept in and has definitely been overshadowing the many great things in my life. At times the fear and doubt consume my thoughts.

And, honestly, the same rings true at home. The boys have been doing amazing at school. They are growing into some amazing young men and I can see God's fingerprints in each of them. Their kindness towards others, their passion for life and even their spiritedness (or stubbornness in some) all show me that God has given us some amazing boys. I sit back and enjoy the laughter and silliness, and sometimes even the grossness four young boys brings. But I also fret over things that frankly I can't control. I spend so much time worrying and planning, hoping somehow that will keep my boys safe and help them succeed. I find myself doubting my abilities as a mom, leaving me in a place where I feel helpless.

And, if the devil had his way, I would remain paralyzed by the fear and doubt. If the devil had his way right now, I would probably curl up in a ball and never reach for the very things I was created for. But, thankfully, the devil doesn't get his way. Not when there's a God who is so much bigger than him. And certainly not when God has big plans (which He has for each of us)!

Of course the devil wants his way... He's terrified of what will happen when we follow God's lead. He is petrified of each of us fully becoming who God has created us to be. And so he finds ways to mess with us. He finds ways to crush our excitement, our joy. He keeps us focused on the fear, the doubt, and the junk in our life to ensure we can't see the amazing things happening in front of us.

I am so grateful that although the devil tries hard to skew what I think and feel, I hold onto the truth that God is so much bigger. I get distracted by fear, but only temporarily. The junk overshadows the amazing things God is doing, but not for long. Not because I have superpowers or because I am strong. It's because I KNOW God has a better plan than what the devil has planned, and God can squish the doubt and fear (and the devil).

I remind myself often that if the devil had his way, I would have never married Kevin. I would have remained stuck in a bad relationship that did NOT honor God. If the devil had his way, I would have never stepped foot into the able::life room that one Christmas Eve. And, if the devil had his way, God and I wouldn't have a relationship at all. BUT, the devil doesn't get his way. He doesn't win... He can't win... God has way too many plans for me (and you) to allow the devil to win.

To MY Mom, with Love

Well, it's Mother's Day, and I have to say, I am forever grateful to be privileged to celebrate today with my four boys and husband. Although the journey of being their Mama is not always easy, it is definitely a journey filled with joy! I have learned a lot about myself and about God through mothering them. But, there's someone else who I have learned so much from, and I thought it might be fitting to spend the next few paragraphs introducing you all to her...

 

 

35 years ago, God mapped out a plan for me that so intimately and delicately intertwined with my mom. He knew what type of mom I would need to grow and to mature and to succeed. He knew I would need a strong-willed, but patient woman to go up against my even stronger and less patient will. He knew I would need a mom who could teach me how to love my future husband, and how much forgiveness is an integral part of life. He knew I would need someone to shape me, to love me, and to eventually let me go and live life grounded in Him. There was no doubt in His mind that the best mom for me was MY mom.

 

Things, of course, haven't always been easy and not always pretty. Me being the opinionated, strong-willed daughter made for some good ol' conflict. Clothes shopping always brought out the worst in both of us when I was little. My tom-boy self would NOT be caught dead in a fru fru dress... Black, grey and blue were my favorite colors, so if it looked girlish, it wasn't going on my body! Some of that fear of fru fru still exists, but I have certainly expanded my wardrobe!

 

There were hard times like convincing my parents to let me live in NM my junior year of high school, which I didn't understand then, but now realize how much that had to have hurt them. (That's a LONG story for another time...) There was the refusal to go to Senior Prom, which I am sure my mom missed all the fun of prepping for that. There was even the refusal to walk in my own graduation, which my mom won that battle (but I was NOT happy about it). And there were those long conversations during my freshman year of college, when we discussed me possibly not returning to college in the fall.

 

I have so many wonderful memories that flood to mind when I think about my mom... I can remember her big, fluffy red robe she wore when I was just a little girl, and how it felt to be hugged by her in that robe. I can remember her trying to shield my sister and me from birds that were flying around the inside of our house as we ran to a bedroom. I remember coloring a lot together. I remember nights when she and I would lay in her bed watching silly shows, cuddling and laughing. There were nights of LONG talks, that I am sure seemed even longer to her. So many memories, so much fun!

 

My mom has amazed me at all the things she has accomplished, all of the things she put her mind to and did. She worked fulltime at the same company for 30 some years. Even though she hated driving the commute, and lots of changes happened within the company, she stayed loyal to the company and respectful to those she worked for and with. I didn't know what I was watching growing up, but as a woman in the work field now, I can totally see how important that was.

 

She went to college part time throughout a good part of my childhood. She worked, went to class, did homework, and still found time to be there when we needed her. She never missed a concert... Never missed the important stuff...

 

My mom loves God, trusts God, and serves God with an open heart. She has shown me, as well as my sister, how important God is in our lives. She ensured that we grew up knowing Him. She has always been a wonderful model of a God-fearing woman and wife.

 

I think what amazes me the most about my mom is that although she never had the love, the support, the connectedness with her mom, she somehow knew how to mother my sister and me. She didn't have the Godly example that she so lovingly has shown to us. She strived to give us the relationship she didn't have with her mom, and let me tell you succeeded. And, even though she didn't have that kind of relationship with her mom, she ALWAYS showed her mom love and respect. That says a lot about my mom all on it's own!

 

34 years ago, God gave me a mother that was just right for me, and a grandmother just right for my boys. As an adult, He has give me a best friend in her, and I am forever grateful for that friendship. I know it has NOT been easy to raise this strong-willed, impatient girl, but my mom has done it with love and grace. I would not be who I am today if it weren't for her.

 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I love you!

 

And Happy Mother's Day to all those out there reading this... May God bless you and those you "mother", even if they aren't your actual children!

 



Lessons from Tyler

In the almost 9 years of being a mom, my boys have taught me A LOT... From the quickest way to change a diaper to the best (and most efficient) way to make a mess. They have taught me about video games, super heroes, and all of the Disney Cars and Planes characters. They have even taught me which dinosaur fossils were found where, which by the way, there really IS a dinosaur named Gasosaurus (this of course being one of the favorites in our house).

There are SO many things I have learned as a mom, but many of the most significant lessons have been through Tyler... And since the little man is turning 7 in just a few days, I thought it might be fitting to spend some time focused on him and what he has taught me.

Tyler was the only one of our children who was NOT a surprise... We were ready for him, or so we thought! He came into this world in only 4 hours and a "push and a sneeze" as my husband says. He was healthy and BIG and we were thrilled!

That excitement quickly disappeared as we tried settling into a routine. The boy did NOT like to sleep... Two hours at a time for months and months. The poor couch had a permanent indentation from my body, as I "slept" on it every night. Tyler was miserable, fussy, and it was rare to see a smile on his face. The picture above was one of those few times we could capture a smile.

 

As hard as his first few months were (and even first couple years), those sleepless nights brought some great conversations with God. I had no choice but to talk, to cry, and to listen to God. I learned to rely on God for the strength to get up in the morning (or I guess it was more like to continue being awake in the morning). I learned that even if there was no one else around, that I wasn't alone. God had gotten me through many a sleepless night...

 

As Ty got older, we started seeing things that made us question whether he was "okay". There was no babbling, no gesturing, very little interaction with us or his brother. With a very heavy heart, we approached our doctor about these things. It was confirmed that Tyler had some significant developmental delays, and so we began the journey with Early Intervention.

 

As great as his therapists were (and they were AWESOME!), this was a very hard time for me. Accepting that my son wasn't "perfect" and that he might have significant issues the rest of his life was hard to swallow. But as time went on, and as I continued my late night talks with God, I began to see things differently. I realized God doesn't make mistakes when He creates us. He didn't make a mistake with Ty. He didn't accidently look away for a minute and OOPS, Tyler now has delays. NOPE, God made Tyler exactly how He wanted him to be. And as I fully accepted that, I also learned that God didn't make a mistake when He created me, either. (You can read more about this journey here: God Doesn't Make Mistakes )

 

As Tyler continued to grow and make amazing progress, we were astonished at what God was doing in Tyler. He became more cuddly, more loving, more jovial. His silly sense of humor started coming out. He almost became the exact opposite of who he was his first year and a half. His therapists and I were amazed by his progress, and I knew it was God's hand that helped hurry the progress along.

 

Our cranky, non-cuddly, miserable baby has turned into a happy-go-lucky, cuddly, pleasant boy who brightens everyone's day. The impact he has on those around him astounds me. Tyler loves life, loves people, and loves God. He enjoys laughing and being silly. He cares deeply for those around him. And, although we still have our moments (as we do with all of our children), he is a far cry from his early years.

 

Everyday Tyler teaches me how to be loving and kind to others. He asks for more time on tests for his friends. He hugs those around him who are having a rough day. He is the first one in the morning to joyfully say "Good Morning" and to wish people a "Happy Birthday", or whatever holiday/special might be going on. (And yes, he covers the minor holidays, like Presidents' Day and Groundhog's Day.)

 

When I lose sight of what matters, when I forget to be "nice", all I have to do is watch Tyler and he quickly reminds me what life is all about. It's about saying Hi to strangers just to make them smile. It's about meeting new friends at the park. It's about new jokes and laughter. It's about enjoying life to it's fullest, and I believe Tyler does that whole-heartedly.

 

Tyler has worked hard, persevered in the hard stuff, and has come out smiling! He is thriving in school, and has brightened his teacher's year. As he turns 7, it's hard not to celebrate all of the big (and little) things God has done in Tyler. Tyler has purpose here on Earth, and I know he is making his Heavenly Father proud! He certainly has made his Earthly parents proud!

By the way, this little face is the "I'm not happy with you, but I can't keep myself from smiling at you" face. This is quite a common face for him! (Thank you to Leigh G Photography for perfectly capturing Tyler!)

 

After the "I Do's"

 

"My precious gift from God, with Christ as my model, I promise to love and cherish you. To serve you and serve God with a willing heart. To help you stay grounded in Christ and His love. In times of sorrow and pain, I will be your shoulder to cry on. In times of joy, I will be your smile. I promise to support you through all stages of life, until God calls me home."

 

 

Those were the words Kevin and I said to each other 10 years ago when we stood in front of our closest friends and family, ready to spend the rest of our lives together. Little did we know how our lives would unfold. Little did we know how much sorrow and pain and joy there would be.

Kevin and I first met when I was a freshman in college. He was best friends with the guy I was dating. We met a few times, got each other's AOL Instant Messenger screen names, and when his best friend and I broke up, that was it... I thought that I would never see him (or any of the other York people I had come to know) again.

6 years later, as I was online, Kevin's screen name popped up on my computer. His message was short, and very much to the point: "I am cleaning out my AOL IM, if you do not remind me who you are, I will delete you." Yep, that's how it all began... A threat of deletion catapulted us into this amazing and crazy journey.

I knew who he was instantly. I remembered how he looked (you don't run into too many 6ft 4 red-headed guys). I remembered how sweet he was. He did NOT remember who I was, but we continued to chat online for about a month. We decided it was time to meet (again) in person, so I came out to York. We had a wonderful first date, and I learned a lot about him during that time. I learned that family was important to him. He showed me this by talking on the phone with his younger brother, who was stationed in Las Vegas, for half an hour while we were hiking. (Yes, I know for many the whole being on the phone for half an hour would have been a turn off...)  I also learned about his fear of snakes!

It only took us 2 months to figure out we wanted to marry each other. I knew he was the kind of man I wanted to spend my life with. He had the 3 non-negotiable qualities I needed in a man: a strong love for God, a love for children/teens, and a love for music. Without any significant hesitations from my parents (which was kind of surprising), Kevin was given their blessing to marry me.

We spent the next 6 months living in two different states, planning our lives together. Wedding plans went smoothly, thanks to my mom who took on the brunt of it. A dress was found, family friends became involved in the photos and flowers. The church I had spent my entire life in was reserved. We bought a house that Kevin worked on to get it ready for when I moved in. Everything was in place...

But no amount of planning could have prepared us for what we were about to begin... Nothing could have prepared our hearts for the journey God was taking us on. In those 8 months of courting and planning, we would never have believed the amazing things that would happen in the coming 10 years. 4 beautiful, loving, caring little boys. A brief, but joy filled (and sorrow filled) journey with our daughter. Medical issues, money issues. Medical healing, financial healing. Job changes upon job changes.

When we said our vows, we would have never been able to imagine how many times we would need each other's shoulders to cry on. Or how many smiles would come across our faces. We didn't know how hard it would be to stay grounded in Christ, but how fulfilling it would be to make it through the storm. We could not fathom the work and intentionality needed to serve each other, to love each other, even when we don't want to. We also could not fathom the overwhelming joy and contentment and peace that comes with being married, with sharing our lives, living our lives focused on God.

Kevin has been, and always will be, my precious gift from God. His strength, his joy, his silliness bring me balance in times I feel unsteady. His love for God and desire to serve Him energizes me. I believe with all of my heart that God smiled an extra big smile the day Kevin and I married.

As we continue on this journey, I pray that God continues to bless us with the pain and sorrow and joy and laughter. That He continues to be at the forefront of our hearts and our marriage. That He gives us the strength to love and serve each other, especially when it's hard. And that He will bless us with many more years to walk together.

To Love, To Honor, To Respect, To Submit...

Our 10 year anniversary is only a month away, and I have TONS of thoughts on love and marriage. When I said "I do" I had no idea how amazing AND how hard things would be. Some of the hardest things for me throughout these 10 years fall under these four words: Submit... Honor... Love... Respect...

Yep, all four words should be not only in our vocabulary, but in our hearts and in our actions, especially if we are wives. But, they aren't exactly the easiest things to do. Sure, to show love can be easy, particularly when we FEEL love. It becomes more challenging when that wonderful, mushy feeling isn't there anymore.

Respect can be relatively easy, too. Most of us are taught to be respectful at an early age, and so we have that skill set engrained in us. In the real world, we have learned to respect people, even if we may not agree with them. Respecting our husbands when we don't agree with them is a tad bit harder.

Honor and submission, I think, are the two hardest things to do as a wife. Honoring my husband doesn't just mean during times when I like him. Or when I agree with him. Or when I think he's the most amazing man in the world. Nope, honoring him must still be done when I don't like him. And when I don't agree with him. And, even when he's being a dingdong. We are called to honor our husbands by God. Honoring our husbands honors God. Honor is a VERB, it calls us to action. It requires intentionality.

Then there's the whole submitting thing. I have heard SO many women try to argue that in this day and age we shouldn't be submitting to our husbands. That it's antiquated and some even believe it's some form of us being slaves to our husbands. But here's the thing, God isn't calling us to be slaves to our husbands... He's calling us to do so much more! In Ephesians 5:22-24 (MSG), it says

"Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands."  (HUSBANDS you should note that there's work for you too! Continue reading the next couple verses!)

I LOVE this! It clearly states that we are to understand and support our husbands... He is our leader, the head of the household. We need to support him (even when we don't always agree). We need to understand him, and if we don't we need to continue to try to understand him. Submitting isn't about saying, "Yes, Master!" "Whatever you say, Master!" "What is your bidding, Master?" (We are not slaves or droids.) Submitting is about abiding to him and his needs, thoughts, desires...

Loving, respecting, honoring and submitting to our husbands isn't about feelings. Sure, when we FEEL great and wonderful things for our husbands, it's a lot easier to be and do those things. But, we are not to be fair-weather wives. We still need to love and respect, honor and submit, even when we don't WANT to. (Insert stomping of feet!)

This is where it becomes HARD. This is where our intentions and our attitudes greatly affect our actions. My attitude tends to get in the way of a lot of things, and this area of being a wife is NO exception. When I think I am right, I AM right. What I think is best to do, IS best. But here's the thing, sometimes what I think is right, what I think is best, does NOT feel right to my husband. Sometimes, I have to put my stubbornness aside and say, "I can't move on this unless Kevin is also on board. And since he's not, then I have to support his feelings." (NOT EASY TO DO, by the way!)

But it's not just about "giving in" or surrendering. It's about changing your heart from "fine, have it your way" (with a snotty tone included) to "I love you, and I don't want to force you into something you're not comfortable with." I can tell you from recent experience that the "fine, have it your way" is FAR from being respectful and honoring. It cuts deep in your husband's heart, and everyone around you can see your stinky attitude.

I know I won't always agree with my husband. After almost 10 years of marriage, I have learned that we do NOT see eye to eye on a good bit of things. He is not always the most attentive, caring, and giving man (but, hey, I am far from perfect, too). He is not always right. But how I treat him is not dependent on any of that. It's dependent on the fact that almost 10 years ago, I vowed to love him and honor him in all the great stuff AND in all the not so great stuff. It's not dependent on how I FEEL about him at that moment. It's dependent on the fact that I am called by God to love him, to respect him, to honor him, and to submit to him.

Let your LOVE, your RESPECT, your HONOR, and your SUBMISSION be VERBS, not just nouns. Let your heart and mind shift from what he is or isn't doing for you to what you can be doing for him. Keep your heart focused on what God is calling YOU to do, and let God and your husband work on your husband's stuff.

God's Hand is in Everything

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I was choosing to change my perspective, particularly when it came to life stuff. I have to admit, it has not been easy... Apparently, I can be quite the pessimist! But, with help from friends and family, I have been able to really see life from a different angle. An angle of optimism, of hope, of peace. Not-so-great things have still happened (and will happen), but how I see those things, how I tackle those things, has really changed.

One of the greatest benefits to this shift in perspective for me has been how I am able to see God's hand in so much more. I think I lived life knowing God was there, but could only see Him in the big stuff. You know, the most joyous moments, or the most catastrophic moments... But I think it was rare for me to find God in the day to day, mundane things. It wasn't that I didn't think He was there, it was just I didn't take the time to see Him.

These past few weeks have given me ample times to see Him. To see His grace, His love, His sense of humor (and yes, I think God has an awesome sense of humor. My Zachary is a prime example!). Through some things He has held me. In others, He has guided me. And, surprisingly, there have been times He has provided me with peace and patience (which for me, can ONLY come from Him, as patience is definitely not a strong virtue of mine!).

My husband and I began taking Financial Peace University (FPU) about 5 weeks ago. The decision to take the course did NOT come easy. We were both scared to face our financial issues, but knew we needed to if we were going to fix things. We also knew that we were in what we thought was a "no win" situation. We wanted to take the class, we NEEDED to take the class, but didn't have the money to pay for the class. Wouldn't you know, God took care of that... An anonymous giver paid for our fees to take the class. God knew what we needed, and doing His thing, made it happen!

So, with this class, we have learned a lot of valuable lessons on how to manage money better (by MANAGING our money). It's been great! But, I was NOT expecting to learn a lot of other lessons along the way. Like how to be a better wife, how to provide a lasting legacy for our boys, and most importantly, how God has His hand even in our financial life.

There are goals to be set and accomplished in FPU, none of which we could accomplish on our own. Saving $1000 for our emergency fund felt impossible. But, God showed up and provided unexpected opportunities to sell items and even for Kevin to have additional teaching opportunities. Things like my mom randomly texting me to say we could sell their old kitchen island was arranged by a God who cares deeply about us accomplishing our financial goals.

Last night, Kevin came to me and told me about some significant troubles our car is having. Something about the engine and oil leaking and rattling that shouldn't be happening. It's going to cost money, probably a good bit of money, to get it fixed. In the past, we would have panicked and then would have pulled out the good old credit card. But it's different now. Now, there's no freaking out... No credit cards needed. Rather, we have an emergency fund and the ability to save thanks to the additional teaching opportunities Kevin has. The car thing is a HUGE inconvenience. But, it is NOT a catastrophic event. And the fact that I can see that shows that God's hand is in this.

I am learning every day how much God wants to be involved in our lives. He doesn't want to sit back and watch. He is in no way a spectator. He wants to be an active member of our day to day happenings. Sometimes He wants to arrange surprises, sometimes He just wants to hold us. But He wants to be a part of every moment. Whether it's in the big things like getting married, having babies, or losing someone, or in the small things like car issues and financial goals, He wants and IS a part of it all. We may not see Him, but He's there. And we have the ability to see Him if we look.

The looking part is what I am striving to do...