Giving Up Control and Trusting in God

There comes a point in everyone’s life that we realize we have little to no control over our lives. We reach a point where we cry “uncle” and choose to either give up or to hand our lives over to the one who created us. We choose to let go of the control and somehow learn to enjoy the journey we are on. We stumble, we stray, but ultimately we view life (and the junk that comes with it) with a brand new perspective.

It took me until I was 28 before I realized that I ultimately did not have control over all of the things I so desperately tried to control. And the way God showed himself, the way I learned that very little control was mine to have, was filled with heart ache and pain I never knew existed. I felt unprepared for the journey God had planned for me, but as the months and years unfolded, I learned He knew what He was doing. Don’t get me wrong, I doubted and questioned. I threw temper tantrums and hissy fits. My strong and incessant need to be in control got in the way often. But somehow, I always managed to come back to Him and the knowledge that He has a much better plan for me than I could ever imagine.

The plan I had for myself was a good plan. It was a plan filled with a husband, children, a job I loved, friends and ministry. I had gone to college and gotten my degree in Behavioral Science. It was a perfect fit for me, as I have always been intrigued by behavior. This degree was my doorway into working with children with Autism. I spent forty hours a week in children’s homes teaching them skills and building relationships with their families. It was hard work, and often times not very rewarding, but I loved my job. I thought I was on the right track…

And then my personal life began to come together. I dated, courted and then married a man that had the same kind of plans for life, filled with children and friends and ministry. When I married Kevin, I moved to Pennsylvania (which was where I went to college and swore I would never return to). Life was good. Kevin and I started talking about having children and it wasn’t long after that we were pregnant with our first son. We could not have asked for a better life. Our plan was falling into place and we thought we had it all together.

It wasn’t until about 6 months after our first son, Patrick,  was born that I started to realize I didn’t have as much control as I thought. We had learned that we were expecting baby number 2, and this was definitely NOT part of our plan. I was scared, my husband was freaked out, but we came to a place where we were excited for our unexpected baby. 4 months into that pregnancy, we were reminded again that we have no control… We lost our only girl to a rare genetic disorder that we knew nothing about. The grief over her loss was immense. It was a time we had thought we would never survive.

But we did survive. In fact, several months later, we were ready to try for another baby. Our first son was almost 2 years old when Tyler was born. Our family was growing, we had survived a very heart breaking loss, and I thought we had it all together. I thought I knew where our lives were headed. Boy was I wrong… I had no idea how greatly our lives would be turned upside down in the coming years. I was oblivious to the journey that my family and I were about to embark on.

In May of 2009, the life that my husband and I had planned and were looking forward to came to a halt. The dreams we had for our second son seemed shattered as we learned that he had significant delays. At no point in our planning did we ever think that daily meltdowns, weekly therapy, and a constant struggle to connect with our son would be our norm. The very Autism Spectrum I had spent years working with was now what I was living with.

The journey began as I sat in the exam room with my beautiful one year old Tyler, listening to the doctor talk about how my son was growing well. He was 98^th percentile for both weight and length, and was a strong, healthy boy. And then the doctor asked me questions about Tyler… Was he communicating his needs? Was he babbling? Was he interacting with his big brother? How was his temperament?

As I sat there answering the doctor’s questions, I knew in my heart that my baby boy was not like other babies. He SHOULD have been gesturing for what he wanted. I knew he SHOULD have been babbling. He SHOULD have been interacting with his big brother. But, he wasn’t. Rather, he was screaming for a large chunk of the day, uninterested in being consoled, without any attempt to show us what he wanted or needed. We couldn’t cuddle him, couldn’t hold him. No sweet moments of connection.

Sitting at the doctor’s office, I knew we were heading into a world I was only familiar with in a professional way. We were heading into the lifetime world of Special Needs. The Autism Spectrum and all the jargon that comes with it became a very real part of our daily life. And as we navigated the beginning of this new way of living, my husband and I learned so much about ourselves, our family, and most importantly about God.

There were so many times that I would sit and try to picture our future. But I couldn’t see it. All I could see was the screaming child and a lifetime of struggles. The initial weeks were filled with tears and anger and this overwhelming sense of loss. I didn’t lose my son physically, like I had with our daughter. Rather, I lost the hope and dreams I had for him. The idea of him getting married someday disappeared. Succeeding in sports or school or music seemed unimaginable at that moment.

If that wasn’t enough to swallow, I began to think about what others were going to think about our situation. What were people going to say about Tyler? How were they going to look at him? Were they still going to love him? Were our family and friends still going to love us?

And then in the middle of one of my hissy fits, God’s presence flooded over me… I could feel a peace I hadn’t felt in months. I had no answers, no fixes. But I began to see our situation differently. I began to see that although this time was horrible that there might just be something greater happening. In that moment, I could see that God was still at work in us. We still had a future. Our son still had a beautiful future and a purpose here on earth.

We were not in control. Our plans were not the plans we were now living out. I fought hard to grab onto any control I could find, but in the end, I had to cry “uncle”. I had to accept I had no control over the big things. And I had to make a choice… Either to give up or to truly hand over my life to God. I chose the latter, and that began a beautiful journey of love and peace and abundant grace from God.

Throughout the last 7 years, we have been reminded over and over that control is not ours. Only a month after our second son turned one, we welcomed son number three. He originally was not part of our plan, but once he was in our arms, there was no way we would have wanted things to be any different. Our third son, Zachary brought new challenges, as we juggled three young children and therapy and normal life. And just when we thought we had some semblance of control back, God surprised us with our fourth son, Benjamin. We had four boys in four years, and we had certainly learned that our plans were not quite God’s plans.

As Benjamin reached his first birthday, we had begun to see some similarities in his development as we had with our second son. And low and behold, as I sat with him at his one year well child visit, I heard the familiar words of “he has some significant developmental delays. Let’s have him evaluated.” But this time was different… I had already accepted that I had no control. Over the years I had learned to step back and see what God might be doing. And most importantly, I had learned that no matter what, God had my back. And He certainly loved me, my husband and my sons. And He had plans for each of them.

Here’s the thing… I still have my moments of wanting control (more than I’d like to admit). I still struggle with fully accepting that God’s plan is way better than anything I could plan. But, the woman I am today is not the same scared mama that I was five years ago. I can look back on these years and see a dramatic change in who I am and in how much I trust God. It didn’t happen overnight. Each day it took taking that small step of faith to just get out of bed. It took family and friends wrapping their arms around our family even on the worst of days. It took tears, and prayers, and yes, some hissy fits, to truly see God in everything. And He IS in everything.

The Blessings in the Sorrow

This coming Sunday marks an eternally amazing event... The resurrection of Jesus and the forgiveness of a God who loves us more than we could ever fathom. Easter is the fulfillment of promises made to all human kind. It's when God gave us a gift that we can never repay. Easter is filled with joy and excitement and reminders of how much God truly sacrificed for us.

It's a time that would not have happened without great sorrow and loss. God lost His Son... For the time Jesus hung on the cross God was no longer able to see him, feel him, connect with him. The sins that Jesus bore for us were so thick, so heavy that it kept God from His own son. Mary, John and those who were close to Jesus stood at the bottom of his cross weeping for the man they had loved. The disciples and the others who followed Jesus were left with more questions than answers. They were left with sorrow and pain, knowing they would never see Jesus again.

But that sorrow turned to confusion then to excitement on the third day. The expectation when walking to the tomb was to find soldiers guarding the stone and for Jesus to still be dead. What they found was an angel telling them Jesus wasn't there. Not because his body was stolen but because Jesus was alive. ALIVE... No longer dead. Breathing, walking, talking... ALIVE! The lives of the people of that time were changed forever. Our lives were changed forever. The blessings and the grace and the forgiveness God gave us through Jesus were (and are) abundantly overflowing. But it took deep sorrow and pain for those blessings to happen.

I think about that a lot... How it seems that often time the most deep and life-changing blessings come out of the deepest sorrows. Sure, we see and experience blessings all the time. The fact that we wake up in the morning is a blessing in itself. But it's those blessings that shake your world and show you just how amazing God is that seem to grow from the sorrow and loss and pain. It almost feels like we can't truly know and appreciate how much God blesses us until we feel the polar opposite of blessed.

It breaks my heart to think about what God must have felt that day when Jesus died. I think about how lonely He must have felt. How would any father feel watching their son die? And to top off that loss, it was HIS choice... Because He loved us. He chose to go through that pain. He chose to suffer, and to have His son suffer for US. He could have stopped it at any point, but He loved us too much to stop it.

His loss, His sorrow turned into blessings we won't fully experience until we are in heaven. Mary's weeping turned into joy three days later. The disciples, who mourned his death, spent the rest of their lives celebrating his life and the blessings that came from his resurrection. 2000 years later people still celebrate the life he lived, the life he gave and the eternal life gifted to us through him.

It's hard to find the blessings in the midst of sorrow... It's hard to see or feel anything other than pain and grief. But, there are blessings. There were during the time of Jesus, and there certainly are today. There are blessings waiting for you (and me) to find, even when we're smack dab in the middle of the yuckiest, hardest points of our lives. Can you see them? Can you feel them?

Spring Will Come, But Winter Is Here...

This winter has not exactly been the kindest to us here in Pennsylvania. It teased us throughout December and a good bit of January, making us think we would truly have a mild winter. And then it happened... Winter hit and it hit hard. A blizzard with record snow (almost 3 feet), another snow storm hit right after the blizzard snow was finally melting, and yet another snow/ice thing this week. We have been stuck inside for too long...

And as Winter was pelting us with yuckyness outside our household was hit with the flu. Yes, the full blown flu for my husband. The same day Kevin was confirmed to have the flu Zachary caught some nasty stomach bug. And because our boys share illnesses (and not so much toys) Ben and Patrick got flu-like symptoms. Tyler and I are the only ones who haven't really been hit hard, but hey, there's still time!

I have never wished for Spring more than this Winter. I find myself praying to get past this season and into warmer weather. I look forward to sending the boys outside to play with only sweatshirts. (I look forward to not wearing a coat myself!) So many wonderful things happen in Spring. Tulips bloom. Birds tweet. It's so much nicer than Winter.

In a moment at our staff meeting this morning I realized I have had a very poor attitude when it came to Winter. Our pastor was talking about his love for Spring, but that he also likes Winter because it comes before Spring. It's the time of excited anticipation for all the beautiful things that come with Spring. It got me  thinking more about Winter. Maybe I have been giving this season a bad rap. What could I find positive about it? What would happen if rather than looking at it from the perspective of just "getting through" it I could find a way to see how good it can be?

Winter has brought our family some AMAZING family time! This was the first year that Kevin had off every time his school closed. So, he was home when the boys were home. We watched movies and played games and spent time during the day in ways we never did before. We took drives through the beautiful country side looking at all the farms covered in glistening snow. Bright red cardinals stood out in the snow covered trees. The boys learned what it means to work together and how hard work shoveling can turn into snowball fights. We've had time to focus on our business in ways we would have been too busy to do if it weren't for the snow. And, as much as I dislike my boys being sick, the lasting cuddles and quiet moments are far too uncommon on a normal day.

As I began to really think about the neat things about this Winter I started to be less eager to get through it. As I excitedly anticipate all that Spring has to offer I don't want to miss out on the neat things happening right now. I believe we can enjoy the here and now while still excitedly anticipating what is to come next. I also believe (as I have just experienced) that we cannot truly excitedly anticipate what is to come if we cannot be content with where we are. Because there is just too much wishing to get through things... There just is.

May we all learn to enjoy what Winter has to offer as we excitedly anticipate all that Spring has to offer. May we see God even in the midst of the things we don't like. May we see that whatever "winter" is for each us of, it is not to be "gotten through" but to be experienced. May we find contentment even in the midst of a blizzard...

When Your Feelings Fail You...

The time is here... Christmas is just 3 days away... The singing, the gifts, the goodies, the food... Families get together. People give of themselves. It's a wonderful time to be on Earth. Or so some people feel... Others wish Christmas would come and go quickly so we all can get back to normal life. Some people don't FEEL like Christmas. And, honestly, I have been struggling with that "feeling".

I don't "feel" the wonderful Christmas feelings I usually feel. The almost bursting joy of years' past has been replaced with exhaustion and sadness and disappointment. Things have been a bit tough these past couple weeks. My surgery went quite well 3 weeks ago, but recovery has been slower than I would have liked. And now, my new medication (the one I was dreading) has been causing side effects that I am not a fan of. It's all only temporary, but it has definitely impacted my Christmas feelings.

I haven't been able to do a lot of the things that I always do leading up to Christmas. I was barely able to participate in decorating the house and the tree. Goodies have not really been made because I haven't had the energy. I have not gotten my full voice back, and so singing Christmas carols has not exactly been doable (and I LOVE singing Christmas carols!).

And, if those weren't enough changes, this is our first Christmas following the Financial Peace University plan... SO, there was a budget (a small one) that we followed. No big presents, no extra giving, no getting exactly what the boys wanted. It has totally been amazing to know nothing was put on credit cards, but it was definitely different, and a little disappointing.

So many things that used to be a part of our Christmas have changed, which greatly affected my mood... My feelings were causing me to be a person I didn't want to be. And then I realized, Christmas isn't about my feelings. The Christmas joy I should be experiencing has NOTHING to do with my feelings. How I feel doesn't change the fact that God loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us. Not just that, but His Son would die to give us life beyond this world.

It got me thinking... Just like we as spouses need to act in love towards our spouse, even when we don't "FEEL" the love, we are to act in love and joy this season, even when we don't "FEEL" the love and joy. I think about God and how He must have felt when He watched the world He created turn against Him. I am confident He didn't "FEEL" like letting His only Son leave Him to save us. And yet, He acted in love and did just that. His frustration or anger or whatever else He might have been feeling were put aside and He saved those He was frustrated and angry and disappointed in. He didn't allow His feelings to get in the way...

Things are tough. My feelings are not in a good place. BUT, as HIS child, I am called to remember and to celebrate what He has done for me. This is a time for me to experience the joy that comes from knowing I am loved so deeply that He sent His Son to Earth knowing 33 years later His Son would have to die. The gift He gave me (and us) deserves to be celebrated, whether I feel like it or not.

It's not about the traditions that make me "feel" the Christmas spirit (although they have helped in the past). It's not about the people around me (although those people are wonderful to be around). It's about what God has done... I want to be able to celebrate His ultimate gift to us no matter what my situation is. I don't want my feelings to cause me to miss the WHOLE POINT of Christmas.

My feelings do not need to define my Christmas. God defined my Christmas over 2000 years ago. There will be years of experiencing great traditions. And as many of my friends are experiencing this Christmas, there will be years of experiencing great loss. Whether in loss or in gain, the core of Christmas remains the same. And the joy and love that comes with Christmas is there whether I "feel" it or not. Jesus was given to us to die for us to save us... My feelings cannot change what He has done.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Fearing Not, Even Your Irrational Fears

There are certain things I try really hard NOT to do... I try really hard not to eat the boys' Lucky Charms cereal (which typically is an unsuccessful attempt).  I try really hard not to compare my mothering styles to other moms.  I try really hard not to focus too much on the news, the media, or other type stress-inducers. And my biggest, all time, "try not to do" is I try not to spend too much time "researching" things on the internet, especially when it pertains to medical stuff. It's just NOT wise for me to type in some question and read all of the gazillion answers. Only a tiny percentage of that stuff is actually accurate or actually pertains to what I am wondering.

But, in the past couple days, I have found myself doing just that. I went on the internet, typed in "post Total Thyroidectomy average medication dosage". (For those of you who don't know, I had my whole thyroid taken out last week). My initial goal was just figuring out roughly what the average dosage is for someone my size, so I could have an idea of where I would be ending up when the dust settles. What I got was an onslaught of information that has sent me in a tizzy...

You see, it takes a good bit of time to find the right dosage of meds for a person with no thyroid. Too much, you get cranky and your heart races and you lose weight faster than you should. (Okay, so the losing weight thing almost sounded nice) Too little medication, you face fatigue, joint pain, weight gain and other stuff totally not cool. It's a precious balance that takes time. What I found on the internet was people complaining of it taking years. YEARS, people! But, the answers and information from random strangers are not actually a good depiction of reality.

And yet, what I read on the internet has greatly affected how I feel about my future. I hate meds... I have never been good at taking meds. I am that horrible person who sometimes doesn't finish antibiotics (sometimes... More times than not I do finish them). I am really good at taking my allergy medicine now, after years of my eyes puffing up and becoming so raw it looks like I have been punched in the eyes. I take meds for aches and pains when necessary, but typically wait until it's really bad. And during cold and flu time, I have been known to take some "nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head, fever, so-you-can-rest" medicine, because who doesn't like getting rest even when your head feels like it's going to explode?!

This is different, though. This is forever. FOREVER. And if I don't take it, it will cause not cool things for my body. If I forget to refill my prescription, there will be consequences. If I don't take the meds exactly as prescribed, it makes a difference. Every morning at least an hour before I eat anything, I will be taking a pill... For the rest of my life. And that scares me. A LOT. Do I realize that might sound somewhat ridiculous? Yep. Maybe a tad-bit irrational? Yep. But, that's how I feel.

This medication has the potential of keeping me quite healthy. It also has the potential of bringing lots of curveballs as we find the right balance. And let's not forget how hormones, weight change, getting older, will all impact the lovely balance and create a need for a new balance. One tiny little pill has the potential to greatly impact day to day life. IF I let it...

Right now I am stuck in a place where I could easily let it send me down a rabbit hole of yucky-ness. I am afraid. I am more afraid about the silly little pills than I was going in for the surgery. The surgery was a once and done thing. I knew I had a couple weeks of recovery, but that's still short-term. This is for the rest of my life. But, I know something far better that will last past the rest of my life... God's peace and love.

We're told in Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I grew up listening to this over and over in the form of a song. Family friends of ours made this into a song years ago and THIS is what has been playing in my head the past several days. At random times the song would just pop in my head. And as I sit here tonight, I now know why. God wants me to remember His promises to me.

I have God. I have His strength to hold me up right now. I can choose to be afraid, but I can also choose to accept what is and let God do with it as He sees fit. Is it scary stuff? To me it is. But He's got this. He has got my back. It's not that I have no reason to fear. It's that the fear I have can be given to Him.

So, my fears (whether they be irrational or not) may not sit with me tonight. They may not keep my thoughts for any longer. I have a BIG God who can deal with those fears while I live the life He has given me.

**As mentioned earlier, I have family friends who have done amazing things with music throughout the years. To hear some of Sue and Jeff Duffield's stuff, or just to learn a little more about them, you can go to their page at http://www.sueduffield.com/duffield_music. You will be blessed by not only their music but by Sue's humorous way she goes through life!**

When God Shows Up

We all know how life gets a tad bit crazy and we start to feel like we're drowning... My drowning is different than yours... No worse, no better. Just different. The struggles I have are uniquely mine, as I tend to feed into the already existing struggles. Your struggles are no less, no more agonizing than mine. Although they're different, there are some things that are in all of our struggles. The feeling of loneliness, heartache, sadness, anger, confusion. And, most importantly, God. He's in it ALL. Every feeling, every emotion, every thought... He's there. He doesn't go anywhere.

And yet, when the struggles seem to lessen, when something turns around, we say something like, "God really showed up this time for me." "It's amazing how God showed up and made things better." I found myself saying that just this week and as soon as I said it, I realized how wrong I was.

I have been very open about the struggles I have been going through lately. Things have been hard and crazy and life had definitely gotten a hold of me. In the midst of the hard stuff, some amazing things happened. Friends poured out love and encouragement in ways I never would have expected! From prayers to Christmas money to tires to just a good ol' fashioned afternoon of conversation, Kevin and I have been blessed with amazing love and support the past couple weeks.

When I was sharing all the really neat things that were happening with a friend this week, I said something along the lines of how God had really showed up for us. How He had proven to us that He was there for us. As the words flowed out of my mouth, they were genuine. I really felt like God was there. He really had come through for us in ways we could have never imagined.

BUT, He didn't just "show up". The act of "showing up" would require the act of not being there before. You can't show up somewhere unless you had left (or never have been). And God, well, He never leaves. He is always there for us. While we're celebrating, He's there. While we're mourning, He's there. Even when we're throwing hissy fits, He's there. He NEVER left me during the past several weeks. He was still calling to me, still longing for me to ask HIM for help. He was still wanting me to trust Him and the things He could do.

So He didn't "show up"... It was more like "I finally got out of His way and let Him do His thing". And, when I did move out of His way and I accepted that I couldn't do it all, He shined in ways I didn't know were possible. When I let people know I was struggling and let those who love us in, I could finally see how He had always been there. He was always trying to reach me. I just didn't notice.

Our lives are filled with journeys that take us places we never thought possible. Sometimes, the places we go feel farther from God, and maybe even completely away from Him. But He never moves... He never leaves us... And so we don't have to wait for him to show up. We just have to get out of His way to see Him shine.

The Not So Comfortable Comfort Zone

Everybody who spends enough time with me knows how much I LOVE staying in my comfort zone. I am not one to try too many new things... And I am certainly not one to try anything that causes me great discomfort (and there's A LOT that causes me great discomfort!). When I say discomfort, I mean a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach... An uneasy feeling that something could go wrong, like not doing well or someone not liking me...

I clearly defined my comfort zone and spent a good bit of time defending it. Oh, sure, I would tweak it a little, and stretch it some, but I kept my comfort zone in my control. My parameters felt good, my boundaries safe and sound.

But, I was missing out... on A LOT! I started to notice that I was wishing to do more, to be more. I started to feel God pushing harder for me to step outside of what I thought was comfortable. The more He pushed, the more I began to ache. The longing to try more, to stretch more became almost palpable. I was no longer content staying where I was, and yet was terrified to move. The battle between the aching and the fear wreaked havoc on me. I wanted to stay put, but God wanted more.

So, I gave in a little, still holding tightly to what little control I thought I had. I took the vision God had given me for our Special Needs Ministry, and I shared it with our leadership. To some, this might seem like a small thing. For me, this was HUGE. The comfortable me would have not gone through with the meetings, as that brought butterflies and even some fear. I didn't want to fail the team. What if they didn't see the vision? More importantly, what if they didn't share the vision? The doubts and fears rattled in my mind even days later. BUT, I had done it. And amazing things have come from me taking those steps outside of my comfort zone.

But it didn't end there... God wasn't done with me (and is still NOT done with me). I still had the belief that I had some control. Still held tightly to my now slightly bigger comfort zone. But the ache was still there. The quiet desires to stretch became louder and the fear fought harder. With the encouragement of my husband, I chose to stretch and put myself out there in the craft world. I actually sold some of my signs to strangers! That's right, I sold things I created to people I didn't know. (I am sure some of you are thinking that I am being silly. Some of you are probably wondering what the big deal is. Wish I could explain it to you, but I can't. Just know it was a big thing.)

As if that wasn't enough, even with the inner turmoil of my soul churning, I proceeded to agree to start a business selling my creations... My comfort zone has completely shattered from all of the stretching. There is no comfort zone to really speak of, because it got left somewhere far, far away!

Am I still scared? Sure. Am I nervous that everything will fall apart? Yep. Am I even more nervous about succeeding? You bet! But the funny thing is I'm okay with it. I'm okay with the nerves and maybe even the small amount of fear. Mostly because it's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.

You see, I am learning that the comfort zone I had created for myself wasn't as comfortable as I had made it out to be. And it certainly wasn't as rewarding... God doesn't call us to stay in our comfort zone. He calls us out into the great unknown (unknown to us, that is). That's where we learn to trust Him. That's where we find out more about ourselves. And, as a friend pointed out, that's where the "magic" happens. I wasn't really happy in my comfort zone. The boundaries and parameters I put up to keep me comfortable actually made me more uncomfortable. Because the aches from the battle between my comfort level and God's calling are far worse than the nervousness and fear I have felt outside of that zone.