"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2
I remember reading that verse years ago, and chuckling to myself. The words "trials" and "joy" were not at all words I would have put together in a sentence. Who in their right mind would have joy in times of trial? In my head, I eventually learned what that meant. The joy James was talking about wasn't something that equated to a giddy, happiness. Rather, it is an emotion intended to feel past the yuckiness and into what God is truly doing with you. The joy comes from the BIGGER PICTURE... My heart, however, took many more years to really figure it out. (As it tends to go with me. My heart is always slower to learn things!)
As I get older and experience more trials, I have focused more on what James was saying. I could easily get wrapped up in the trials, as there tends to be many at one time. I could wallow in discouragement (as I was in this post: Discouraged) for quite a long time. But, after a few moments, sometimes days (and even weeks), I move from that discouragement to a place of almost joy. My trials are still there. They don't suddenly disappear when my attitude changes. I am still a mom of 4 boys. I am still trying to juggle the needs of 2 boys on the Spectrum, as well as working a full time job. And, oh yeah, let's not forget that I have a husband and a house and friends. Financial issues, sickness, and other hard times still hit my household. None of that has changed. BUT, the way I see things has changed immensely.
I find myself in a place where I have not only accepted that this is my life, but I have found ways to see that this life is a GIFT from God. The trials and frustrations I face are a way for God to shape me and mold me into what HE has created me for. Each trial sharpens me. Each frustration allows an opportunity to become MORE FOCUSED on Him. It teaches me to persevere through the trials, because the end is so worth it!
Ultimately, we are not here to have an easy life. God NEVER promised for an easy life on earth. He pretty much promised that we would face trials. But it's those trials that can strengthen our faith. If we move from discouragement, and fear, and anger, to trust and faith that God's intentions for us are good, we can find a way to find joy. And those moments of joy help us to persevere through the next trial. Because, with each trial, with each moment of joy within the trial, we see God even more. We see we can trust Him and His plan. We can see His hand in the trial, and we can hold on to His truth.
I can honestly say that I am thankful for the life God has given me. I am thankful for the good things that God has given me, like a wonderful husband and 4 beautiful boys. I am thankful for my job, as it is way MORE than just a job. I am grateful for the friends and family in my life.
But, here's the thing. I am also thankful for the moments in my life that have not been so good. I am thankful not that I lost a baby girl at only 15 weeks pregnant, but I am thankful that God was there to help pull me through. I am not thankful that 2 of my sons are on the Autism Spectrum, but I am thankful that God helps me help them. With every trial, no matter how hard, I am thankful that I have a God that I can trust. And it is that trust, and that faith in Him, that helps me wake up every morning and go to bed every night, ready to persevere through the trials. It is my faith in HIM and HIS plans for me that allow me to find joy, even in the midst of some really hard times.
I am not perfect. It sometimes takes a LONG time for me to find even a glimmer of joy when life is not going my way. And it is definitely NOT a pretty process (you can ask my husband and friends)! But it is worth the ugliness to find the joy. Because I have found that it is the joy in knowing God is shaping me and molding me in the hard times that keeps me going.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Discouraged
I wish I had something extremely positive to write... I wish my head was flooded with awesomeness, waiting to explode onto this page. Instead, I feel discouraged and tired and just plain worn out. I had promised when I started this blog that I would be open and honest, because my journey is no different than anyone else's. It is filled with highs and lows, and I strongly believe that sharing my lows may help someone just as much as sharing my highs.
Life with 4 boys and a husband (and a full time job, a house to keep, etc.) can be crazy at times. The noise level alone in our house can drive some people to insanity! The tornado effect that the boys have can be disheartening, when after I work so hard to clean, they demolish it within seconds. Oh, and let's not even get started on the bickering that occurs! It is amazing to me that they can fight over a car, even though there are 20 other cars (some that are the exact same car) sitting within 2 feet of them.
There is no time, no room, and frankly, no energy to pursue any creative projects. I have 2 projects waiting to be started that should have been finished 3 months ago. There's a bedroom waiting to be transformed into an oasis for me... A space where I can close the door and feel peace. Too bad it requires work and time that I just can't find.
But, I have to tell you, that stuff is not what leaves me truly discouraged at this moment. I feel discouraged because I feel my parenting isn't enough for my boys... I feel like their sudden emotional mood swings and utter meltdowns are somehow my fault. (I know in my head that's not the case. But my heart is not so convinced.) I have no idea how to help a couple of my boys work through whatever they are going through, and I feel helpless. I am the one who everyone turns to when they don't understand Ben. I am the one who helps create a plan to keep Tyler on the right track. I am the one who should know how to figure out Zachary. And right now, I have no answers. All I can do is trust God to provide the answers. And, I have to tell you, when Ben is so upset he can barely breathe, waiting for God's answer can be tough!
Picture yourself in a small room with a teeny tiny door... You are wearing the scratchiest, most uncomfortable outfit you can think of (think burlap). You have 3 different heavy metal bands all playing at the same time. Some random person keeps poking you. You have to go to the bathroom. And while all this is happening, your boss is trying to explain an extremely important project to you (one that could make or break your job). That is how it feels to be in Ben's shoes. Or at least that's how I believe he feels. There are moments when he can't stand being in his own skin. He can't always understand the world around him. And to make things worse, what makes him feels better one moment can make him feel worse another. Tantrums and crying and meltdowns are common place in our house. Sharing and being nice can be tough for 4 young boys. But when Ben truly melts down, it's not about the car or the sharing. It's so about so much more. And there is NOTHING I can do for him. He has to figure it out on his own. He reaches the point of no return...
In those moments, I feel helpless. I feel that as a mom I am failing. It is MY job to comfort my boys. It is my job to know how to discipline them. It is my job to know the difference between a normal tantrum and a "I don't want to be in my own skin" meltdown. And yet, I know nothing. It will take me days, if not weeks, to test run different theories on what's making Ben uncomfortable. It will take a lot of trial and error to find ways to calm him. (Which, by the way, will change by the time we figure it all out!)
I don't share this with you because I want you to feel bad for me. I know God is with me and my family and I know He will take care of my boys. Somewhere inside me I know that this too shall pass and as long as I cling to God, everything will be okay.
I share this with you because I am not the only mom who feels this way. I know that there are so many moms of Special Needs kids (not to mention all other moms) who feel alone and lost... Many of whom don't realize that we all have these thoughts and feelings. I share because I don't want people to ever feel like they are the only ones who get discouraged, or scared, or frustrated. I am honest (maybe sometimes too honest) about my journey because I know God can use my story somehow...
Life with 4 boys and a husband (and a full time job, a house to keep, etc.) can be crazy at times. The noise level alone in our house can drive some people to insanity! The tornado effect that the boys have can be disheartening, when after I work so hard to clean, they demolish it within seconds. Oh, and let's not even get started on the bickering that occurs! It is amazing to me that they can fight over a car, even though there are 20 other cars (some that are the exact same car) sitting within 2 feet of them.
There is no time, no room, and frankly, no energy to pursue any creative projects. I have 2 projects waiting to be started that should have been finished 3 months ago. There's a bedroom waiting to be transformed into an oasis for me... A space where I can close the door and feel peace. Too bad it requires work and time that I just can't find.
But, I have to tell you, that stuff is not what leaves me truly discouraged at this moment. I feel discouraged because I feel my parenting isn't enough for my boys... I feel like their sudden emotional mood swings and utter meltdowns are somehow my fault. (I know in my head that's not the case. But my heart is not so convinced.) I have no idea how to help a couple of my boys work through whatever they are going through, and I feel helpless. I am the one who everyone turns to when they don't understand Ben. I am the one who helps create a plan to keep Tyler on the right track. I am the one who should know how to figure out Zachary. And right now, I have no answers. All I can do is trust God to provide the answers. And, I have to tell you, when Ben is so upset he can barely breathe, waiting for God's answer can be tough!
Picture yourself in a small room with a teeny tiny door... You are wearing the scratchiest, most uncomfortable outfit you can think of (think burlap). You have 3 different heavy metal bands all playing at the same time. Some random person keeps poking you. You have to go to the bathroom. And while all this is happening, your boss is trying to explain an extremely important project to you (one that could make or break your job). That is how it feels to be in Ben's shoes. Or at least that's how I believe he feels. There are moments when he can't stand being in his own skin. He can't always understand the world around him. And to make things worse, what makes him feels better one moment can make him feel worse another. Tantrums and crying and meltdowns are common place in our house. Sharing and being nice can be tough for 4 young boys. But when Ben truly melts down, it's not about the car or the sharing. It's so about so much more. And there is NOTHING I can do for him. He has to figure it out on his own. He reaches the point of no return...
In those moments, I feel helpless. I feel that as a mom I am failing. It is MY job to comfort my boys. It is my job to know how to discipline them. It is my job to know the difference between a normal tantrum and a "I don't want to be in my own skin" meltdown. And yet, I know nothing. It will take me days, if not weeks, to test run different theories on what's making Ben uncomfortable. It will take a lot of trial and error to find ways to calm him. (Which, by the way, will change by the time we figure it all out!)
I don't share this with you because I want you to feel bad for me. I know God is with me and my family and I know He will take care of my boys. Somewhere inside me I know that this too shall pass and as long as I cling to God, everything will be okay.
I share this with you because I am not the only mom who feels this way. I know that there are so many moms of Special Needs kids (not to mention all other moms) who feel alone and lost... Many of whom don't realize that we all have these thoughts and feelings. I share because I don't want people to ever feel like they are the only ones who get discouraged, or scared, or frustrated. I am honest (maybe sometimes too honest) about my journey because I know God can use my story somehow...
Monday, June 24, 2013
Irreplaceable
This past week I was away with my family on a wonderful vacation at the Jersey Shore. We played in the sand, rode rides on the boardwalk, ate more ice cream than we typically eat in 2 months, and had a blast being together without the normal life distractions. We slept in a cabin (or cabinet as Zachary calls it), ate hot dogs that were cooked over an open fire, and and enjoyed what nature had to offer. I wish I could say that I was 100% in the moment. I wish I could say that my head was where it should have been. But, it wasn't... While on vacation with my amazing husband and fantastic boys, my head was not always focused on the here and now. Rather, it drifted off into thoughts of insecurity and fear.
For the most part I was able to push it aside, but Sunday morning I woke up in a funk. I woke up feeling like I wasn't needed. That there wasn't anything I could offer to my family or to my work that someone else couldn't offer as well, if not better than me. I was faced with knowing that in order to have a Sunday off, that there were 3 very capable, wonderful women doing my job. And I knew that they were doing it well! (This is when most people would be thrilled to sleep in and know that fabulous people were in control...) All of my thoughts lead me to believe that I was replaceable.
The nagging thoughts from the week hit me full force as I went through my morning. And then the moment came when I heard what I so desperately needed to hear. I heard the truth. I heard that yes, those 3 amazing women did a fantastic job. They ministered to families and showed God's love in a way that makes me quite proud. And, although they were doing a part of my "job", they were in no way replacing me. Rather, they were growing and maturing along side me.
It is heard every so often in ministry that your goal should be to work yourself out of a job. How I have taken that for many years is that you should be working on shaping replacements for yourself. But as I was in the gym tonight, it became very clear to me that I was totally wrong. It's NOT about replacing myself... It's about building up others to do ministry they have been called to do. It's about growing and maturing those in ministry so that they can continue building and loving and partnering. And as those people grow and mature, I can continue with ministry the way God calls me to, knowing that what has been built will not only remain, but will grow. It's definitely not about finding replacements.
No one is replaceable. God has made us irreplaceable. He has made each of us unique, with a mixture of qualities and personalities that no one else has. Yes, sometimes, someone can come in and do your job. Sometimes it might even seem they can do it better. BUT, that doesn't mean you are replaceable. No one else on this earth is exactly like you. There is absolutely no one else who is wired just like me (and I am pretty confident that's a very good thing)! Our roles shift, our jobs change, but at no point can anybody be us. We are irreplaceable. And that's how it should be.
For the most part I was able to push it aside, but Sunday morning I woke up in a funk. I woke up feeling like I wasn't needed. That there wasn't anything I could offer to my family or to my work that someone else couldn't offer as well, if not better than me. I was faced with knowing that in order to have a Sunday off, that there were 3 very capable, wonderful women doing my job. And I knew that they were doing it well! (This is when most people would be thrilled to sleep in and know that fabulous people were in control...) All of my thoughts lead me to believe that I was replaceable.
The nagging thoughts from the week hit me full force as I went through my morning. And then the moment came when I heard what I so desperately needed to hear. I heard the truth. I heard that yes, those 3 amazing women did a fantastic job. They ministered to families and showed God's love in a way that makes me quite proud. And, although they were doing a part of my "job", they were in no way replacing me. Rather, they were growing and maturing along side me.
It is heard every so often in ministry that your goal should be to work yourself out of a job. How I have taken that for many years is that you should be working on shaping replacements for yourself. But as I was in the gym tonight, it became very clear to me that I was totally wrong. It's NOT about replacing myself... It's about building up others to do ministry they have been called to do. It's about growing and maturing those in ministry so that they can continue building and loving and partnering. And as those people grow and mature, I can continue with ministry the way God calls me to, knowing that what has been built will not only remain, but will grow. It's definitely not about finding replacements.
No one is replaceable. God has made us irreplaceable. He has made each of us unique, with a mixture of qualities and personalities that no one else has. Yes, sometimes, someone can come in and do your job. Sometimes it might even seem they can do it better. BUT, that doesn't mean you are replaceable. No one else on this earth is exactly like you. There is absolutely no one else who is wired just like me (and I am pretty confident that's a very good thing)! Our roles shift, our jobs change, but at no point can anybody be us. We are irreplaceable. And that's how it should be.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Stop Spinning...
It's been a while since I have last written anything (besides menus and emails!), which isn't very surprising, considering life has been crazy! But, the craziness of life is not really what kept me from writing... It was what my boss calls my "lizard brain". My lizard brain has been working hard these last several months telling me what I have to say isn't anything anyone would want to hear. I have chosen at this moment to push aside the lizard brain and to share some moments with you.
The past couple months have been a struggle for this mom of 4 boys. Each boy has had their own specific needs, and some days it's rather difficult to give them each the attention they need. Patrick apparently had some trouble with a boy in his class. He didn't tell us until weeks later. Thankfully he had talked to his teacher about it.
Tyler has been showing new struggles with social tact and using a filter before speaking. We are desperately trying to teach him when to say his thoughts and when to keep them to himself. I know this is going to be a lifetime journey with him, as his biggest issue is the social stuff. Social cues are not something he pays much attention to.
Zachary just keeps surprising us with his wealth of knowledge. He might only be 3 (soon to be 4), but he talks as if he is much older. He can tell you all 50 states, can write, can read, and is beginning to do beginner math. As much as I am excited for how God will use his intelligence, I am fearful of what school will look like for him... Patrick was hard enough to keep challenged in Kindergarten, but Zach is way beyond where Patrick was. Not to mention, Zachary does not have Patrick's patience and "want to please" personality. Rather, Zachary is a mini-me. And a bored mini-me is NOT going to good for any teacher!
And then there's Ben... He has these awesome moments where I see so much progress. He is talking up a storm, playing much more appropriately, and becoming quite a great little monkey! I want to stay focused on the progress. I want to celebrate the milestones and the amazing things he can do. But the reality is that we still have a long way to go.
In addition to the boys, I have my husband, who deserves my attention. What he gets instead is a very tired, frustrated wife. He tries so hard to be patient with me... There are days I am not sure how he can even stand to be around me!
There's added life events, full time work, housework, sleep (sort of), and whatever else I might be forgetting. All of this has added up to one big stress ball. It had gotten so bad that I was having nightmares about trying to keep all of my plates spinning. In my dreams, I would rush around, desperately trying to keep these plates spinning, knowing if I let one fall, someone (if not a lot of people) would get hurt. I would wake up in a panic, soaked in sweat, frantic that I was forgetting something.
What I had to realize, and struggle to remind myself of daily, is that it's not my job to keep all those plates spinning. My focus should not be on the plates, but on God. My trust shouldn't be in my ability to keep the plates spinning, but in God. IF I am following what God wants me to be doing, IF I am trusting those placed in my life, and IF I let go of all the non-important stuff, those plates won't crash. AND, if they do for whatever reason fall, I have to know that it is NOT the end of the world. (Not an easy thing for me to accept.)
God wants us to stop frantically spinning our plates. He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to rely on those He has placed in our lives to help us. We must prioritize, leaving HIM above all else. It's not an easy thing, and I am in no way good at this. But, I am trying. For the sake of my family and for the sake of my sanity!
The past couple months have been a struggle for this mom of 4 boys. Each boy has had their own specific needs, and some days it's rather difficult to give them each the attention they need. Patrick apparently had some trouble with a boy in his class. He didn't tell us until weeks later. Thankfully he had talked to his teacher about it.
Tyler has been showing new struggles with social tact and using a filter before speaking. We are desperately trying to teach him when to say his thoughts and when to keep them to himself. I know this is going to be a lifetime journey with him, as his biggest issue is the social stuff. Social cues are not something he pays much attention to.
Zachary just keeps surprising us with his wealth of knowledge. He might only be 3 (soon to be 4), but he talks as if he is much older. He can tell you all 50 states, can write, can read, and is beginning to do beginner math. As much as I am excited for how God will use his intelligence, I am fearful of what school will look like for him... Patrick was hard enough to keep challenged in Kindergarten, but Zach is way beyond where Patrick was. Not to mention, Zachary does not have Patrick's patience and "want to please" personality. Rather, Zachary is a mini-me. And a bored mini-me is NOT going to good for any teacher!
And then there's Ben... He has these awesome moments where I see so much progress. He is talking up a storm, playing much more appropriately, and becoming quite a great little monkey! I want to stay focused on the progress. I want to celebrate the milestones and the amazing things he can do. But the reality is that we still have a long way to go.
In addition to the boys, I have my husband, who deserves my attention. What he gets instead is a very tired, frustrated wife. He tries so hard to be patient with me... There are days I am not sure how he can even stand to be around me!
There's added life events, full time work, housework, sleep (sort of), and whatever else I might be forgetting. All of this has added up to one big stress ball. It had gotten so bad that I was having nightmares about trying to keep all of my plates spinning. In my dreams, I would rush around, desperately trying to keep these plates spinning, knowing if I let one fall, someone (if not a lot of people) would get hurt. I would wake up in a panic, soaked in sweat, frantic that I was forgetting something.
What I had to realize, and struggle to remind myself of daily, is that it's not my job to keep all those plates spinning. My focus should not be on the plates, but on God. My trust shouldn't be in my ability to keep the plates spinning, but in God. IF I am following what God wants me to be doing, IF I am trusting those placed in my life, and IF I let go of all the non-important stuff, those plates won't crash. AND, if they do for whatever reason fall, I have to know that it is NOT the end of the world. (Not an easy thing for me to accept.)
God wants us to stop frantically spinning our plates. He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to rely on those He has placed in our lives to help us. We must prioritize, leaving HIM above all else. It's not an easy thing, and I am in no way good at this. But, I am trying. For the sake of my family and for the sake of my sanity!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Living with self-doubt
In the past few weeks, I have been spending many moments reflecting on this past year as well as my life as a whole. At our All Staff Meetings twice a month, people on our staff have been sharing their "story". This has been such a blessing to hear how God has shaped the people I work with. At some point, it will be my turn to share my story, which has led me to spend a good bit of time reflecting.
Of course, with 2012 rapidly coming to an end, it is even easier for me to get wrapped up in reflection... More so, I find myself thinking about what I will do differently for 2013. I am NOT one for New Year's resolutions. I know myself well enough to know that I would never stick with it. By February, I am typically back to how I was before.
There are tons of things I COULD resolve to do. There are things about myself that could definitely use some change... My nails would be very grateful if I could stop biting them. If I let go of my fear of wearing bright colors I might have a better wardrobe. And, if I could change my over-the-top love for caramel creams to just an infrequent like, I might just lose the last few baby pounds.
But, for me, I am not motivated to change any of those. I am not uncomfortable enough to put forth the effort needed to stop nail-biting, wearing dull colors, and I am certainly not even close to being uncomfortable enough to change my obsession with caramel creams. BUT, what I have realized is there is an aspect of me that needs to change NOW. In fact, it's something that should have changed YEARS and YEARS ago...
For as long as I can remember, I have allowed my life to be run by my self-doubt. No matter what I was doing, no matter what was asked of me, my self-doubt has kept me from fully reaching my potential. I have never allowed myself to believe that I was really good at anything. Compliments went in one ear and out the other. I would tell myself that people were just being polite.
One of the things that sticks out my mind the most is how in middle school and high school I played flute in the band. I was good, so said my parents and band directors and other band members. I sat 1st chair for the majority of my time in the band. I auditioned for All South Jersey twice and All State New Mexico once. And each time, I fell 2 people shy of making the band. Looking back, I could have made it each time. I could have played with some of the top band members in the state (meaning, I could have been one of the top band members in the state), but something happened with each audition. When I walked into the room, rather than allowing myself to believe I belonged there, I did the exact opposite. I told myself I was crazy for even thinking I could compare with the other flutists. Over and over I would tell myself I didn't belong there. And, if that wasn't enough, I would then tell myself that even if I did make it, I could never really keep up in a band that great.
I think about those auditions often. I think about what could have been. What if I had believed my parents and band directors? What if I truly thought I could do what everyone said I could do? I probably would have made it every time I auditioned. I mean, I was only 2 people away when I told myself I couldn't do it... Saying I COULD do it might have led me down a wonderful musical road.
I can't change my band days. I can't change the "what ifs" from over a decade ago. BUT, I can re-evaluate how I think today. God has created me to be a certain way. He has gifted me with talents and skills that not everyone has. And, it's time I embrace that. If I let go of the self-doubt, if I stop telling myself I can't do it or that others can do it better than me, I CAN make a difference. I CAN reach the potential God has for me.
Now, there are tons of things I will never be good at (performing surgery would be one of those things). There are definitely things that others can do better than me, such as acting and singing. But those are not God given dreams or desires of mine. God hasn't placed those things on my heart. The talents and skills He has given me definitely line up with the desires of my heart. If I embark on what God has set on my heart to do, then I am going to do well. If I go into the "auditions" of life telling myself I am right where I should be and can do whatever lays ahead, then I will not only succeed, but will excel. I just have to shut off the doubts and allow myself to believe that I can be that good.
We all have doubts. Especially when we are asked to do things that seem bigger than us. Moses doubted whether he was the right man for the job when God asked him to go to Pharoah. BUT, he chose to trust God and do it anyway. Mary doubted whether God had chosen the right girl to carry and raise HIS son, but she chose to trust God and was a wonderful mother of Jesus. Doubt itself is not necessarily wrong. LIVING in that doubt and never trusting what God wants of you is not only wrong, but can be devastating.
What in your life is God asking you to do, but you keep holding yourself back? As hard as it is, step out of your own way and let yourself reach the potential He has set for you... That's my plan for the coming year, and for the rest of my life!
Of course, with 2012 rapidly coming to an end, it is even easier for me to get wrapped up in reflection... More so, I find myself thinking about what I will do differently for 2013. I am NOT one for New Year's resolutions. I know myself well enough to know that I would never stick with it. By February, I am typically back to how I was before.
There are tons of things I COULD resolve to do. There are things about myself that could definitely use some change... My nails would be very grateful if I could stop biting them. If I let go of my fear of wearing bright colors I might have a better wardrobe. And, if I could change my over-the-top love for caramel creams to just an infrequent like, I might just lose the last few baby pounds.
But, for me, I am not motivated to change any of those. I am not uncomfortable enough to put forth the effort needed to stop nail-biting, wearing dull colors, and I am certainly not even close to being uncomfortable enough to change my obsession with caramel creams. BUT, what I have realized is there is an aspect of me that needs to change NOW. In fact, it's something that should have changed YEARS and YEARS ago...
For as long as I can remember, I have allowed my life to be run by my self-doubt. No matter what I was doing, no matter what was asked of me, my self-doubt has kept me from fully reaching my potential. I have never allowed myself to believe that I was really good at anything. Compliments went in one ear and out the other. I would tell myself that people were just being polite.
One of the things that sticks out my mind the most is how in middle school and high school I played flute in the band. I was good, so said my parents and band directors and other band members. I sat 1st chair for the majority of my time in the band. I auditioned for All South Jersey twice and All State New Mexico once. And each time, I fell 2 people shy of making the band. Looking back, I could have made it each time. I could have played with some of the top band members in the state (meaning, I could have been one of the top band members in the state), but something happened with each audition. When I walked into the room, rather than allowing myself to believe I belonged there, I did the exact opposite. I told myself I was crazy for even thinking I could compare with the other flutists. Over and over I would tell myself I didn't belong there. And, if that wasn't enough, I would then tell myself that even if I did make it, I could never really keep up in a band that great.
I think about those auditions often. I think about what could have been. What if I had believed my parents and band directors? What if I truly thought I could do what everyone said I could do? I probably would have made it every time I auditioned. I mean, I was only 2 people away when I told myself I couldn't do it... Saying I COULD do it might have led me down a wonderful musical road.
I can't change my band days. I can't change the "what ifs" from over a decade ago. BUT, I can re-evaluate how I think today. God has created me to be a certain way. He has gifted me with talents and skills that not everyone has. And, it's time I embrace that. If I let go of the self-doubt, if I stop telling myself I can't do it or that others can do it better than me, I CAN make a difference. I CAN reach the potential God has for me.
Now, there are tons of things I will never be good at (performing surgery would be one of those things). There are definitely things that others can do better than me, such as acting and singing. But those are not God given dreams or desires of mine. God hasn't placed those things on my heart. The talents and skills He has given me definitely line up with the desires of my heart. If I embark on what God has set on my heart to do, then I am going to do well. If I go into the "auditions" of life telling myself I am right where I should be and can do whatever lays ahead, then I will not only succeed, but will excel. I just have to shut off the doubts and allow myself to believe that I can be that good.
We all have doubts. Especially when we are asked to do things that seem bigger than us. Moses doubted whether he was the right man for the job when God asked him to go to Pharoah. BUT, he chose to trust God and do it anyway. Mary doubted whether God had chosen the right girl to carry and raise HIS son, but she chose to trust God and was a wonderful mother of Jesus. Doubt itself is not necessarily wrong. LIVING in that doubt and never trusting what God wants of you is not only wrong, but can be devastating.
What in your life is God asking you to do, but you keep holding yourself back? As hard as it is, step out of your own way and let yourself reach the potential He has set for you... That's my plan for the coming year, and for the rest of my life!
Monday, September 10, 2012
I am ME...
I have been struggling the last several weeks (okay, for years, but especially these past weeks) to be okay with who I am. I have lost sight of the great qualities God has given me and spend my days focused on what I do NOT have. For instance, I do not have the ability to make a room laugh (unless of course I have done something absolutely stupid, like slip and fall!) I cannot sing well enough to be on the worship team (or really even to to sing with my boys, according to our 3 year old.) I am not creative when cooking dinner. Sorry, boys, I will NOT be making your hot dogs look like an octopus!
The list could go on and on about the things I wish I had compared to other people. And, for me, when I say "things" I don't mean money or stuff. I mean qualities and traits and personalities. The more time I interact with people, the more I realize I desire to be someone that I am not.
This can never be more true than when it comes to me being a Mama. There is a list longer than my arm of ways I could be different as a Mama. Everything from the way I pray with the boys to the way I feed them breakfast. I often wonder if my oldest wishes I were different, now that he is seeing how other moms are. Does he realize other moms actually spend hours playing with their kids? Does he know that other children get warm pancakes with syrup for breakfast before heading off to school? Does he think that other moms actually remember everybody's name in the house?
I can easily spend my days getting lost in what I am not, and who I wish I could be. BUT, God doesn't want that for me. He created me a certain way... flaws and all! And, He gives me moments of reality that remind me that I am who I am because He wanted it that way.
The other night I was working from home, trying to prepare for our new school year. Patrick (our oldest) had come to me asking if I would come play with his pirate ship with him. I told him no, and explained that although I would love to play with him I had to get work done. (ENTER "MAMA" GUILT HERE.) He was crushed. In his world, I chose work over him. (This is a moment when I wish I were like other moms who don't have to bring home work.) He left the room in tears and I definitely felt like a bad mommy. I went to him a little later and talked with him about what happened. I told him I was sorry that I couldn't play with him. His response: "It's okay, Mama. I know you love me, even if you don't play with me."
There it was. The reminder I needed. My son KNOWS I love him. He knows I love him even when I am not doing what other moms might do. It doesn't matter that I don't necessarily brush my kids hair in the morning or create tents to play in everynight. As long as my children know that I love them, then I am doing something right.
Although I would love to say, "I promise to never, EVER compare myself to other moms or co-workers or random strangers", I know I would fail within a day! BUT, if I keep my eyes on who God wants me to be, created me to be, I can spend more of my time embracing who I am rather than who I wish I were. God will continue to send me reminders (sometimes in the form of a 2x4) that I am wonderfully created, and I don't need to be anybody but ME.
The list could go on and on about the things I wish I had compared to other people. And, for me, when I say "things" I don't mean money or stuff. I mean qualities and traits and personalities. The more time I interact with people, the more I realize I desire to be someone that I am not.
This can never be more true than when it comes to me being a Mama. There is a list longer than my arm of ways I could be different as a Mama. Everything from the way I pray with the boys to the way I feed them breakfast. I often wonder if my oldest wishes I were different, now that he is seeing how other moms are. Does he realize other moms actually spend hours playing with their kids? Does he know that other children get warm pancakes with syrup for breakfast before heading off to school? Does he think that other moms actually remember everybody's name in the house?
I can easily spend my days getting lost in what I am not, and who I wish I could be. BUT, God doesn't want that for me. He created me a certain way... flaws and all! And, He gives me moments of reality that remind me that I am who I am because He wanted it that way.
The other night I was working from home, trying to prepare for our new school year. Patrick (our oldest) had come to me asking if I would come play with his pirate ship with him. I told him no, and explained that although I would love to play with him I had to get work done. (ENTER "MAMA" GUILT HERE.) He was crushed. In his world, I chose work over him. (This is a moment when I wish I were like other moms who don't have to bring home work.) He left the room in tears and I definitely felt like a bad mommy. I went to him a little later and talked with him about what happened. I told him I was sorry that I couldn't play with him. His response: "It's okay, Mama. I know you love me, even if you don't play with me."
There it was. The reminder I needed. My son KNOWS I love him. He knows I love him even when I am not doing what other moms might do. It doesn't matter that I don't necessarily brush my kids hair in the morning or create tents to play in everynight. As long as my children know that I love them, then I am doing something right.
Although I would love to say, "I promise to never, EVER compare myself to other moms or co-workers or random strangers", I know I would fail within a day! BUT, if I keep my eyes on who God wants me to be, created me to be, I can spend more of my time embracing who I am rather than who I wish I were. God will continue to send me reminders (sometimes in the form of a 2x4) that I am wonderfully created, and I don't need to be anybody but ME.
Monday, July 23, 2012
TRUST
Somewhere along the way, between my last post and today, I have had some of the happiest, proudest moments possible as a mom,wife, and Christian. I also have had some of the saddest, frustrating, and overall yuckiest moments as a mom, wife, and Christian. Today, I sit here typing wondering if TODAY is the ugliest moment as a Christian I have had in a long time... With tears streaming down my face and a strong urge to throw something, I am sure that God is sitting there, waiting for my temper tantrum to be done, so He can once again assure me that HIS plan is better than mine. And, in my head, I KNOW 100% His plan is better than mine. My heart, in it's million pieces, is not quite connected to my head...
Jeremiah 29:11-13 is something I have held on to for as long as I can remember. " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' " I know this is true... He has proven it time and time again. I find myself wondering WHAT His plans are for me and unfortunately, He doesn't always share everything with me.
A week ago, Kevin came to me expressing how a 4 month old baby girl may need a home... Of course, I said "YES". This baby girl was born addicted to drugs, sent home to be with her grandparents, as her mother was mandated to clean up and get a job before the courts could consider trusting her to have custody. Last week, the mother refused the required drug test, causing the grandparents to gain temporary full custody. The hope of the grandfather (and of us) was that the courts would allow for us to adopt her. The grandfather is a co-worker of Kevin's and knew not only would we raise her well, but would allow him what he wants the most: to be her grandfather. We found out today that IF there's even talk of adoption, the mother's family would gain custody. And, NO ONE wants that for this precious baby. So, she will stay right where she is, in the loving arms of her grandparents...
Now, for anyone who knows me, my heart for children, especially children with special needs, is GINORMOUS. Within a matter of seconds, I had completely fallen in love with her and with the idea of bringing her into our family. I am saddened deeply by the fact that we will not be able to adopt her. More so, I am unsure of what part this all plays in God's plan for us. We WANT to adopt, and we know God will place the right child(ren) in our lives at the right time. And for the 2nd time in only a couple of years, God has given us an opportunity to say yes to bring a child(ren) into our home. Both times, we said, "yes." And both times, nothing more came of it.
It seems lately that there are many areas that God has asked me to say yes to Him, without actually following through with what I said yes to. And, as frustrating and saddening these times have been, I have to TRUST that God has something planned for me that I cannot see or even fathom. I have to trust the unseen and the unknown, but the unknown is scary to me. More scary than anything else. I am a planner, an organizer... I am wired to problem solve and to see all the possible paths and outcomes... But, God doesn't work that way. I can't go much past today in planning. I can't possibly know what paths to look at, and certainly cannot foresee the outcomes. All I can do is focus on right now and TRUST that He knows what He's doing. I have to trust that His plans are not to hurt me, but to shape me. They are not to bring me down, but to build me up. And, they are certainly not intended to make me lose hope in Him. Rather, His plans are a fulfillment of His hope and grace for me.
Life never happens the way we expect it to. I can list a dozen people who are facing that reality this very second, whether it's due to cancer, job issues, the loss of a family member, or just having to WAIT on God. But, what I hold on to more than I hold to anything in this world is the promise that God has a plan. I may throw my temper tantrums, and I may wonder what His plan is... But, I ALWAYS know His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine. I just have to TRUST Him... And remember to not stand in His way!
Jeremiah 29:11-13 is something I have held on to for as long as I can remember. " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' " I know this is true... He has proven it time and time again. I find myself wondering WHAT His plans are for me and unfortunately, He doesn't always share everything with me.
A week ago, Kevin came to me expressing how a 4 month old baby girl may need a home... Of course, I said "YES". This baby girl was born addicted to drugs, sent home to be with her grandparents, as her mother was mandated to clean up and get a job before the courts could consider trusting her to have custody. Last week, the mother refused the required drug test, causing the grandparents to gain temporary full custody. The hope of the grandfather (and of us) was that the courts would allow for us to adopt her. The grandfather is a co-worker of Kevin's and knew not only would we raise her well, but would allow him what he wants the most: to be her grandfather. We found out today that IF there's even talk of adoption, the mother's family would gain custody. And, NO ONE wants that for this precious baby. So, she will stay right where she is, in the loving arms of her grandparents...
Now, for anyone who knows me, my heart for children, especially children with special needs, is GINORMOUS. Within a matter of seconds, I had completely fallen in love with her and with the idea of bringing her into our family. I am saddened deeply by the fact that we will not be able to adopt her. More so, I am unsure of what part this all plays in God's plan for us. We WANT to adopt, and we know God will place the right child(ren) in our lives at the right time. And for the 2nd time in only a couple of years, God has given us an opportunity to say yes to bring a child(ren) into our home. Both times, we said, "yes." And both times, nothing more came of it.
It seems lately that there are many areas that God has asked me to say yes to Him, without actually following through with what I said yes to. And, as frustrating and saddening these times have been, I have to TRUST that God has something planned for me that I cannot see or even fathom. I have to trust the unseen and the unknown, but the unknown is scary to me. More scary than anything else. I am a planner, an organizer... I am wired to problem solve and to see all the possible paths and outcomes... But, God doesn't work that way. I can't go much past today in planning. I can't possibly know what paths to look at, and certainly cannot foresee the outcomes. All I can do is focus on right now and TRUST that He knows what He's doing. I have to trust that His plans are not to hurt me, but to shape me. They are not to bring me down, but to build me up. And, they are certainly not intended to make me lose hope in Him. Rather, His plans are a fulfillment of His hope and grace for me.
Life never happens the way we expect it to. I can list a dozen people who are facing that reality this very second, whether it's due to cancer, job issues, the loss of a family member, or just having to WAIT on God. But, what I hold on to more than I hold to anything in this world is the promise that God has a plan. I may throw my temper tantrums, and I may wonder what His plan is... But, I ALWAYS know His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine. I just have to TRUST Him... And remember to not stand in His way!
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