Hard Conversations

I have been wanting to write some things that have been on my mind for quite a while, but haven't been able to find the right words... It's so hard to express myself sometimes, as I feel so deeply that my vocabulary cannot reach. God's been prompting me, over and over again to write, and so I sit hear doing just that. I write as a way to connect to God. I write as a creative outlet. I also write in hopes that someone will be touched, will be changed, will be encouraged... And tonight I write as a way to express the deep ache I feel in my heart for all that is going on and for how it is impacting my boys.

2020 has certainly NOT been kind. Each month we seem to be faced with another challenge, another reminder that we do in fact live in a fallen and broken world. COVID keeps it's grip on our country, not discriminating against young or old. Racial tension and awareness brought out both the good and the bad in people. We are in the throws of an election year that is beyond ugly. Summer as we have known it disappeared. The new school year will be nothing like any other year. 

I have thoughts and feelings about all of it. But what I have spent the past several months focused on are the four boys in my house who have questions about ALL of it. And their questions are hard. They're insightful. They have been questions that have stopped me in my tracks and have left me weeping over them. I realized months ago that I had a much bigger calling in front of me than just to survive a stay-at-home order or to get creative with our summer plans. This year, my calling as "mama" was (and still is) to help my growing boys to process their world and to help them make heads or tails of a very hard time.

When the boys were little, I thought that we were in the hardest stage of parenting. When my youngest was born, we had a newborn, 1 year old, 2 year old, and a just barely 4 year old. We had 3 in diapers for a year. I hadn't slept in years. I didn't have enough arms to keep a hold of them all. It was a hard stage! As they got older, and were all mobile, wrangling them was ridiculous! It was hard. But this year, I have realized THIS is the HARDEST stage yet. THIS is where the rubber meets the road. Where all of those years of getting to know each boy, getting to know their hearts has come into action. THIS is where they are now using the beautiful brains and hearts that God has given them to form their own thoughts and feelings. And wow do they have some BIG thoughts and feelings! 

Questions started flooding in from each boy when COVID first hit. They wanted to know the details, the facts. They wanted to see the charts and understand the data. Kevin and I helped them to understand what they were reading as best we could. As we moved from thinking this all was temporary to realizing how serious things were, the questions became harder. The main question: "What if one of us gets COVID?" They'd go through the people they love dearly and wondered WHAT IF... My response, "What if they do? What could that mean?" And with each boy, we journeyed down the what if trail, always ending with, "No matter how sad, or how hard, or how scary, God's got us. We'll be okay." 

I wish those were the only hard conversations we had to have, but no... more questions came as the boys watched how racism impacts their world. "Why would anyone see someone as less of a person because they're not the same color?" "God made us all in HIS image, so wouldn't that mean that black and brown people are in His image, too?" Our Benjamin, who loves and feels deeper than any of the boys, tried so hard to understand why it was happening. He would tell me often, "Mama, I like the different colors of skin. We'd be boring if we were all one color. Why can't people see that? Why do people get treated different?" The innocence that once existed is long gone. And in those conversations, I found myself lost for words. I had to rely on God for the answers.

The hardest type questions the boys have asked start with, "Why do people...". "Why do people riot?" "Why do people hate other people so much?" "Why do people call other people names just because they don't like what the other person is saying?" "Why do people hurt other people?" Boy, do I miss the "why is the sky blue" type questions!

There is no easy (or right) way to answer those questions. So, we carefully maneuver through the minefield until the boys are satisfied (for the moment). At times I feel inept and unqualified to answer their questions. But, I am humbled to be a part of that journey for them. 

In 20 years, when they look back on 2020, I pray that they remember these conversations. I pray that they find assurance that no matter what, that God has them. I pray that they continue to have the kind, loving hearts they have now and that they can go out into the world and make a difference. 

This parenting thing is so unbelievably hard. The ache that I feel for each boy grows as they share more of what's on their hearts and minds. But I feel so blessed that God chose me to be their mama, to be the one who can be their soft place. We are called NOT to keep them from the hard stuff, but to help them maneuver THROUGH the hard stuff. And that is where I choose to spend my energy... on helping them, guiding them, shaping them. Even when it's hard!

I don't know what else 2020 will bring... but God's got us, and we will be okay. My Benjamin says so!

Home is Where my Family is...

It’s June... we, as a whole, survived the last quarter homeschooling due to Covid. We learned a lot about each other and ourselves. We made the best of what was going on, and I truly believe we came out better than when we entered.

With that said, there were some things that didn’t go so well. In the midst of being “stuck” at home with the six of us for weeks on end, we found that space in our little farmhouse was getting harder and harder to find. Our ever-growing giants, as I lovingly call them, are getting too big for our house. Patrick’s almost 6 foot at not yet 14 years old. The other three continue to grow like weeds as well!

We came to the realization that either we needed to add on to the house OR we needed to move to something a little bigger. After a huge disappointment of not being able to work out adding on to our house, we made the decision to pursue buying a new house. And this was NOT what I really wanted... and honestly, there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to leave.

I love this house. I love that we have taken apart almost every room and put it back together again. We have poured our blood, sweat and tears into this home. And I don’t want to leave it. But, in the same breath, I am excited to see what house God has waiting for us. Maybe it’ll be a house we don’t have to fix, but just make it our own... Maybe it will be a house big enough for the boys to have a place to hang out with their friends and still allow Kevin and myself a place to hang out as well. I guess we’ll find out soon enough!

In less than one week, our house will go on the market. Pictures of each room will be out there for everyone and anyone to see. And it makes me sad. They won’t know what we changed. They won’t see how we had to tear down horse hair plaster and cleaned the dust from that plaster for weeks after. They won’t know that the small bedroom barely bigger than a walk in closet was where four beautiful babies slept throughout the years. They won’t know that the red room downstairs was where A LOT of the hard work happened with Tyler and Benjamin during therapy, and then became the center of our business. I know the people looking at the house won’t care. But I do.

This is the house we walked through Christmas Eve of 2004 and could see the potential it had. Kevin moved in and began the process of making it our own. Little did we know what the coming years would bring. We celebrated the birth of the four boys. We mourned the loss of our daughter. We maneuvered through developmental delays for two of the boys. We threw parties and dinners, and shared life with those we love. Job changes, surgeries, broken bones all happened here. We started our business here. We worked our tails off to move from being out of control financially to being only months away from being debt-free. And we’re leaving it...

I guess the biggest thing is that this is where I grew up. Like, truly grew up. I had my childhood home back in NJ. But this is the house where I grew the most. I was 25 when I moved into this house. I was young and naive. It wasn’t until after the boys were born that I really discovered who I was and began growing more confident in the woman God created. I am NOT the person I was when I moved into this house 15 years ago.

There is no question that God is leading us to a new home. We have prayed about this for months. He has blessed us as we take each step. I know He will continue to bless us. I know this is where our family is supposed to be headed. I know our new house will be amazing and that we will love it. I just didn’t think it would make me this sad and nervous...

God’s got this. He has a plan, and we’re trying to follow it. And as I continue to move forward, I will trust him. I will also allow myself time to mourn the loss of this amazing home and the memories we have created. God has been good to us these past 15 years. And He will continue to be good to us in our next home!

Embracing the Upheaval

We are two weeks into a seriously insane upheaval of our lives. 2 weeks ago, all 6 of us (as well as hundreds of thousands of others) walked out of schools unsure of when we would return. The Coronavirus is running rampant through the world, and it's impact will be felt long after life returns to "normal". Social distancing, e-learning, isolation, closures of everything but life-sustaining businesses, have become our lives. We have had to learn how to do church differently; how to do school differently. Fear, concern, anxiety, insecurities are running just as rampantly across the country and the world. The unknowns are looming over us like a big scary monster hiding under our beds just waiting to get us when we let our guard down.

Personally, the first week was pretty nice. We kept things low key. We had gorgeous weather for most of the week so the boys played outside for hours. (We are quite blessed to have four boys who all play together. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for those who don't have siblings to play with.) We had fun doing random learning activities, like finding the perimeter and area of our entire house. The boys asked questions about what was going on and we'd answer them as best we could. And if we didn't know, we all researched it. 

Week 2 has been harder for many different reasons. The boys are missing their friends and teachers. They're missing the routine and structure. And, they're missing learning... like "real learning", as our youngest says. So, we built in more structure. We're writing letters to friends. We're writing letters to teachers. We've begun more "real learning". The boys got into the new routine and are quite content.

Kevin started his 2nd job (part-time) on Monday. This was something we had already in motion before the Coronavirus hit. With not having to teach, he was able to spend more time during the day at his part-time job and then worked on his teaching stuff in the afternoon and evening. We have barely seen him... (Okay, we actually have "seen" him a good bit, but have not been able to spend time with him.) We were prepared for him not being around. We agreed this was worth the short term sacrifice to meet our goals. What we weren't prepared for was EVERYONE being home ALL OF THE TIME. In our heads, we had it planned out that him working so much wouldn't be so bad because the boys would be in school and I'd be working during the day. It would only be a few hours every night we'd be home without him. NOW, the boys are doing school from our kitchen table. We can't go anywhere at all. Kevin's working online with his students in our playroom. And, I have no job. 

For me, the hardest part is how lonely I feel; how much I feel purpose-less. As a substitute, I have absolutely nothing to do with planning and prepping. I have nothing to do at all. No way of helping the teachers prepare for a whole new venture. And, I was reminded this week how as much of a part of the team I might be when I am physically in the building, I am actually not a part of the team. I miss working. I miss the teachers. I miss the kids. I miss waking up in the morning and having something truly helpful to do. Sure, I have tons to do at home (but I can only clean and organize for so long before it gets old). I still have to help the boys in all of the many things they are doing and feeling. But there's something so fulfilling when I am helping OUTSIDE of the home, when I have purpose beyond my little world. And, to top it all off, we are now in a "stay at home" order, meaning we can't go for the life-giving random drives we love to take as a family.

BUT, I am learning to embrace this massive upheaval. I am trying to take everything I have learned over the years to focus on what God is trying to say in this time. This craziness won't go unused. And I know He wants me to seek Him in the midst of things. And, even on the worst of days, I can find the joy. I can find where I am truly blessed. I can see His hand in things. On days like today, where tears were many and my heart was heavy, I can still breathe. I can still find Him in the little things like budding flowers and the cool breeze coming in our open windows. 

I can't fight the upheaval. I can't magically make the unknowns become known. But I can embrace what is. 13 years ago today, I went to bed weeping over the loss of our daughter, unsure I could ever make it to tomorrow. 10 years ago, as we maneuvered through Tyler's delays and eventual diagnosis of being on the Spectrum, I didn't know how to move forward. There's been other upheavals in my life and God has always helped me to the other side. And I am confident that this time of upheaval will be looked back on in the same way. 

I'm not okay... But I will be!

It's been a rough couple of weeks here in the Schussler household. The stomach bug ran rampant through most of us, and we're still waiting to see if our oldest son will be hit with it. I've done more laundry in the last week than I have in a whole month. We're all very ready for sick season to be over!

There's been battles of wills, teenage angst, disappointments, and a sprinkling of some pretty neat things. We've had the highs of one son's team winning the Academic Bowl for 6th grade, our oldest making it into the Junior Honors Society, and good grades for another marking period for all four of them. But we also had to help our youngest process not getting into our Gifted Program (which his older brothers are all a part of), our oldest son's team not winning the Academic Bowl for 8th grade, and let's not forget the dislocated finger event. And it's all been within 2 weeks...

As I've been trying to steal some moments away, I've been trying to figure out what I think and feel about the past two weeks. And the main thing I feel is TIRED. I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. It's hard on me when the boys get sick. Partly because I hate seeing them sick. But it's also because I am the person who must rearrange my life to take care of them. I am the one to cancel scheduled work days. I am the one who cleans up after them and does the insane amount of laundry.

I love the ability to stay home with them, but so much happens in my mind when things have to change. There was SO much internal guilt over having to cancel a work day... They were relying on me to come in and substitute and I had to cancel. I couldn't fulfill my responsibility. And then there was the guilt for being bothered that one son was sick and was causing me to rearrange my day. And then on top of all of that, there was guilt over the fact that I was mad at Kevin because he doesn't have to rearrange his life.

That guilt was brutal. And it took a lot of work to get past that. I wish I could say next time will be better, but I highly doubt it. It will be less. It has to be. But I don't think that guilt will ever go away completely. It kind of comes with the territory of being a mom.

The last two weeks got me thinking about how we interact with people... There were several people who had asked me how I was doing, how I was holding up. They asked because they care. But in those moments, I didn't answer truthfully. I would make light of things, make a joke, share a funny (but gross) story about the adventures of the stomach bug in a house of 6 people. But I couldn't tell them how I was REALLY doing. How I was feeling guilty and run down and so many other things. And it got me thinking about WHY I felt like I couldn't say what I was feeling.

I struggle to say "I'm not doing so great" to people. I struggle to show that I am struggling. Partly because I don't want to seem weak, but also because I know it's temporary. I don't want people worrying about me when I know it will pass. I don't want people to think I am stuck in a place of doom and gloom when I know it's just a moment. So I don't share.

But, what if I did? What IF I answered "I'm not okay. BUT, I will be." What if we all answered that way instead of the typical "I'm good."? I think we would feel less isolated and alone. I think we would be able to have better conversations with others. If someone said to me "I'm not okay. BUT, I will be", I would know to pray for them. Others would know to handle with care. Maybe it would deepen relationships...

So, here I am saying that I am not okay. But, I will be. Things are hard right now for a multitudinous of reasons... but it won't stay that way forever.

Reflecting on What God Has Done

Here we are, the year 2020... How did we ever get here? There are days where I still think we're in the early 2000's!! Time certainly feels like it flies by.

We had an amazing Christmas and New Year at the Schussler house! So much quality time together, so many opportunities to slow down and connect! The boys are older now, so gift giving is actually more fun, as they give each other gifts. It's always so fun to see them get excited to give their gifts!

Christmas 2019

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting about not only this past year, but this past decade. What a crazy ride it has been! 10 years ago, Patrick was 3, Tyler was 1 1/2, Zach was 6 months, and we had just learned that we were pregnant with Ben. We were what felt like barely staying afloat. There was very little sleep and a whole lot of crying (and not always from just the boys). I was preparing to follow my dream of working for our church part time. Kevin was in a job he hated. It was an insane time of life that I wasn't sure we would ever survive.

Christmas 2009

Ten years ago was also when I began to seek God more intentionally and his purpose for me. It was when I had begun the journey of finding myself. I had no idea where the journey was going to take me, but I knew it needed to begin. As much as I loved my boys and my life, I had a constant feeling of failure and guilt. I felt lost in the mix and didn't know how to love myself. I knew that if I was going to be the best Mama for my boys that I needed to find the me God had created.

And so began an amazingly wonderful, complicated, and scary journey. My job at the church kept shifting into new roles, roles I would never have thought I was qualified to do. Ben was born and finished our beautiful family. Several surgeries happened. Tyler and Ben were both blessed with Early Intervention help and Tyler was diagnosed with being on the Autism Spectrum. Kevin was on his own journey, and after years of being afraid to follow his dream, he took the plunge and became a teacher! The boys all started school, and succeeded with each year.

This past year (2019) was probably the most intense and hardest year for me personally. The nine years before was hectic and always busy, but this past year was a different crazy. I had entered a place of Wilderness. I was preparing to leave a job that had been a part of my identity for almost a decade. My babies were growing into young men and my role in their life had begun to shift, especially with our teenager. I couldn't feel God, but I continued to seek Him. I began a new job as a substitute teacher that left me feeling insecure and sometimes incompetent. I was learning how to worship in the same place that had been my job, which was way more complicated than I had ever expected. Nothing about the year felt secure.

The path is not always clear.

But something changed in late November/early December... I had found that life felt less complicated, less hard. I could hear God's voice again. I could feel a sense of direction. There was peace in my heart for the first time in a while. I began to see that I didn't need to know what was coming next and that I could be happy with what IS. Worshiping became easier, became more comfortable. And, I learned to embrace the changes in my role as Mama for my ever changing boys.

I hated the time of wilderness. I hated feeling lost. I hated feeling far from God. But I am so grateful for it. 2019 became the year that made the whole decade make sense. It pulled all of the great things, the bad things, the crazy things together. And the journey of finding myself came to fruition. 

2020 will be a year of enjoyment. It will be a year to embrace who I am, where I am. It will be a year of seeing all the little ways God touches my life. I am excited to spend more time in nature with my camera, more time getting to know my boys (young men), and more time connecting with God.

Bittersweet Moments of Growth

It is the end of August and my family is back into the full swing of school. Kevin is teaching his fifth year, and man is he doing an amazing job! The boys are now in 3rd, 5th, 6th, and 8th grade and have plans of rocking this school year. It is so amazing to watch my five guys grow and mature and find their groove!

On the other hand, it is so hard to watch my babies spread their wings and soar. They are doing exactly what they should be doing... doing what Kevin and myself have been raising them to do. But with each step of independence, each celebration of a milestone, my mama heart has a small part that is sad. I miss the babies. I miss the way they would mix up words like "waterlemon" instead of "watermelon". I miss the sound of their little, squeaky voices, rather than the low, robust voice of my 13 year old. Their growing and maturing leaves a very bittersweet taste, and I am realizing that most growth seems to do that.

We have been focused on the topic of Growth at our church for the last several weeks, and so growth has been on the very forefront of my mind. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my own growth and how the journey I have been on has brought an unbelievable amount of growth and maturity. The more I think about how I've grown, the more I realize how many times there were moments of that bittersweet taste...For every moment that God presented me with an opportunity to grow, there was a moment of letting something go. And, boy, did I love whatever He was asking me to let go of. Sometimes, He asked me to let go of something tangible, but more often it seems He asked me to let go of things like my control.

Almost 10 years ago, God asked me to TRUST Him and to say yes to working for our church. It was a pretty simple job, where all I had to do was edit and prepare lessons for our elementary school ministry. I let go (a little) of my fear and lack of confidence and said yes... Only a few months later, He asked me to trust Him more by presenting the Nursery Director job to me. And, again, I let go of a little more fear and said yes. With each yes I said, there was excitement and nerves and I still am not sure how the old me ever said yes.

Within just a few more months, I sat in the office of the then Senior Pastor expressing concerns for a very small ministry within our church. My plan: I let him know there was an issue and he finds someone to help them. The Senior Pastor's (and apparently God's) plan: I was the someone to help them. I didn't go in thinking I would be a part of the solution. I certainly didn't go in with the idea of helping our Special Needs Ministry. But, the Senior Pastor said so, and so I did.

Over the next 9 years, a lot happened, both personally and on the job. I stepped into many roles at the church, but never out of the role within the Special Needs Ministry. During that time, God kept placing in front of me new challenges, hard conversations, battles to be fought. There was nothing to do but to grow. As our ministry grew and became able::life, I needed to walk away from other things. Things I loved. As my boys grew and their needs changed, I had to give up things I didn't always want to give up. There were these sad moments mixed with pure excitement for what was coming next. Those bittersweet moments always found their way into my journey.

And here I am, almost a decade later, facing a very large bittersweet growth moment. God said it was time to step down from able::life. He has promised something new is on the horizon for me... Something I have yet to see or understand. But He has promised it's there. As I said my goodbyes this past Sunday, so many memories came flooding back. I could remember the first day I met each family. I could  remember the trials and the joys and everything that God had done within the ministry as well as with the people looking in. It broke my heart to walk out the doors, and yet, there was an excitement bubbling up knowing that God has something waiting for me.

I don't know what He's going to do with me next, but I know that God will not waste the growth over this past decade. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I'm not even the same person I was 10 months ago. I will continue to grow, continue to seek His will, continue to let go even when it's hard. I will continue to sit in the bittersweet moments and see what God has done and what He will do.

A Year of Growth

It's here... The end of another school year is upon the Schussler household. We are excited to tackle the Summer and all that it will bring! Our annual beach vacation, friends, swimming, hiking... There are so many things planned!

This school year brought a lot of obstacles and a lot of growth. Watching the boys become young men has left with a mixed bag of emotions. I am sad to see my babies are no longer babies. The cuteness has faded. Even our youngest, who is turning 9 in August, no longer has the "cute" factor he once did. Rather, they are all handsome. They are all looking more like young adults, more like their dad everyday.

I'm left feeling nervous about what's next for them. It's not easy being 9, 10, 11, and 13. There are so many life lessons they will learn over the next coming years, and I'm worried that I won't have the tools needed to help them through these lessons. They'll have so many experiences, good and bad, and there's this fear of mine that I'm going to somehow mess them up on their journeys.

There's also a level of excitement! It's been so exciting to watch them each find their niche. Benjamin is still plucking away at guitar. He's finding his love for worship, and we can his passion shine through. Tyler has found a good group of friends that love the things he loves. Patrick has become a leader at church, leading a small group of 1st graders and helping to run tech. And then there's Zachary... He has found his passion for music, which in turn has given the two of us a way to bond. Rather than just sharing our hot headedness and fiery temperament, we also share a love for playing instruments and listening to classical music.

I think the biggest thing I feel is pride... I am so unbelievably proud of our four boys! They have embraced life, and all that comes with it, and they strive to do their best. Our Benjamin takes on life with a positive and encouraging attitude, always there to make others feel better. He loves God, he loves his family, and he loves people in general. There isn't a day that goes by that he isn't building someone up, befriending the friendless, or reminding us of how much we are loved.

We have watched Zachary mature in so many ways this year. He works harder, is more focused, and definitely more patient with those around him. He is more caring and aware of what others are feeling. He has faced times where he could have easily been cocky and boastful, but has always chosen to be humble and kind. It has been fun to watch him use his gifts to teach others how to do what he does. I can see him being a teacher someday...

Tyler also has had quite a year of growth. He has worked so hard to overcome the obstacles that come with being on the spectrum. He has built friendships that go deeper than just surface level. He has strived to be less fearful and embrace new things with a sense of adventure. He has intentionally spent more time with animals so he can be less afraid of them. Everyday I can see him taking bolder steps, more mature steps. He's heading off to Middle School in the Fall, and he could not be more excited!! He is definitely going to rock 6th grade!

And then there's Patrick... He's turning 13 this Summer. My first born will be a teenager, and my heart couldn't be more proud of the young man he is becoming. He is kind and loving, funny and quirky, passionate, sarcastic, and an all around great guy. This year was hard for him, as Middle School seems to be for everyone. There have been a lot of life lessons, some easier than others. In the midst of school stuff, he's been trying to find his identity, to define who he wants to be. He is learning that his actions do NOT define who he is and that even when he fails, he is still the amazing person we know and love. With each step he takes, he is embracing more of who God made him, becoming more confident in himself, while never taking his eyes off of the important things in life. And, when he's not busy dealing with his own junk, he is right there helping support and love his brothers as they go through their junk. Our other boys could not have asked for a better big brother!

This school year has brought so many things... but the biggest thing is definitely growth. Between their emotion growth and maturity and their physical growth, the growing pains have definitely been outweighed by the amazing people they are becoming. God has blessed me and our family with some awesome boys, and I am excited to see what this Summer will bring!!!