Missing Sammy

Today is a very special and very sad day all wrapped into one.  Today marks 5 years since we lost our daughter, Sammy.  I thought I would spend a few moments sharing about her and the journey I have been on since finding out we were expecting her.

5 months after Patrick (our first) was born, we were surprised to find out we were expecting another baby.  Shock was pretty much all we felt initially.  This baby was not in our plans.  There wasn't much we could do, but work on getting excited about the inevitable...  Our family was growing! 

After a couple weeks, we had embraced the idea of having another baby.  We were excited to have 2 babies in the house.  We knew Patrick and this new baby would be great friends.  Kevin started working on the new room for Patrick so that the baby could move into the nursery.  We had heard the baby's heartbeat and knew that God was blessing us.

And, then, one morning, everything changed.  15 weeks into my pregnancy, there was spotting, and I knew something was wrong.  I made an appointment with my OB and an ultrasound for that day.  I remember waiting in the waiting room for over an hour because there was a back up with patients.  I sat there praying harder than I think I have ever prayed, just asking for God's healing. 
Once called back, I clearly remember laying on the table with the ultrasound technician telling me that sometimes it takes a minute or two to find the sweet spot to see the heart.  After 5 minutes, with no sign of a heartbeat, he called in another technician.  And, after another 5 minutes, a call was made to my OB. 

There was no heartbeat.  I stared at the screen, wishing the baby's heart to suddenly start beating.  But, that didn't happen.  Rather, the doctor's nurse came to take me up to a private office.  There, in an office filled with pictures of the OB's large family, the OB explained to me what I had already figured out.  We had lost our baby...  The rest of that morning and afternoon are a blur.  I know I had to sit with the scheduling nurse to arrange the surgery necessary.  I know I headed back to work to pick up Patrick.  And, somewhere along the way, I know that I went to the hospital for surgery.

There were so many times that I just wanted to break down, but there was something keeping me from losing it.  Kevin and I even sat waiting before the surgery joking around with the nurses.  But, it hit me on our way home.  I sat in the car weeping.  I vividly remember sobbing that they "took my baby".  It was devastating.  And poor Kevin just didn't know what to do to help me.  We named the baby Sammy, so that we could grieve fully.

We gave permission for them to do testing to see if they could find the cause of the miscarriage.  And, weeks later, we found out not only that the baby died from a genetic disorder, but that the baby was a GIRL.  (And as most know by now, she was our ONLY girl.)  The guilt that I believe both Kevin and I had dissipated as we learned there was absolutely nothing we could have done.  We had to accept that GOD's will was for Sammy to be with HIM.  (Which, by the way, was NOT an easy thing.)

I say that this day is not only sad, but special.  This was the only day I ever got to SEE Sammy.  This was more importantly the day that I truly realized that God was ultimately in control.  I had no choice but to follow Him, to lean on Him, and to trust Him.  I would not have survived without God's love and grace.  There were definitely moments of temper tantrums on my part...  But, He held me and loved me, even during my fits.

I miss our baby girl.  My heart aches to see her just one more time.  I want to know who she looks like.  Could she actually look like me, with dark eyes and hair?  Or does she look just like her brothers do?  Does she have Kevin's fun loving spirit or my sensibility?  Someday, I pray that I will find out.  But, for now, I hold on to the fact that God had plans for her, even though she never saw the light of day.  And someday, her brothers will know about her.  Everyone should know about her...