Here's the deal... I am not one for New Year's resolutions. I can't remember the last time I actually made one. I can tell you the last time I did make one, I failed horribly at keeping it and swore I would never do it again. (I typically steer clear of anything I know I will fail at. Just kind of how I am.) I don't think there is anything wrong with making a resolution or two. It's always great to have goals and hopes and plans. It just doesn't work for me to make January 1st the starting date. If I am going to make a resolution for myself, it's often at a random time and extremely heart felt. Then, and only then, can I actually stick with a resolution...
What I do enjoy doing for New Year's is taking stock of the previous year and looking ahead to the coming year. So many things can be learned from looking back. And so much hope can be found looking ahead. So, tonight, as I reflect and hope, I pray that each of you who read this get a moment or two to also reflect and hope. We each walk a journey filled with joys and sorrows, struggles and successes... It's sometimes helpful to keep perspective when we take a moment...
2013 brought so many fun times. Making new friends, going on vacation with the boys, watching the boys grow into little men... I got to go away to a conference in Georgia for the first time! Zachary started Preschool, Tyler started Kindergarten, and Patrick started 2nd grade.
Of course, there were also hard times. Patrick was bullied at school (which has gotten way better), Tyler struggled initially to adjust at school (but is now one of the best students in his class), and Benjamin struggles to adapt to his surroundings. There were moments of medical scares, and financial worries. But, the hard times passed, as they always do.
Nothing has been as impactful this year as my personal journey. The person that I was reflecting on 2012 and hoping for 2013 is NOT the same person that sits here tonight. God has been working on me all year, and I am proud to say that I have slowly become more and more the way I believe God has created me to be. The internal journey still goes on, as I still have self-doubt and fear to squash. But, today, as I walked through my work's hallways, I walked with confidence. I wore my bright orange coat, my make-up and yes, even lip gloss, remembering the wallflower from a year ago. I didn't know who I was, didn't really embrace what God had created me to be. I wanted to shrink into the background and not be noticed... Or so I thought.
But here I am, ending 2013 knowing full well that I am no wallflower. I am a child of God, and He has big plans for me. I will no longer hide behind others and use my fears to keep me from pursuing the things I feel led to pursue. This year, I have branched out of my comfort zone so far that I cannot remember where my comfort zone even was. I have taught about Special Needs, I have worked with other churches to serve their Special Needs attendees. I even wrote a guest blog post or two. I have connected with families and helped them to see their children the way God sees them. I have poured myself into the ministries I love so deeply. And most importantly, I have walked with God in a very different, much more rewarding way. The negative, destructive thoughts are less, because I have learned how to replace them with truth. His truth.
2014 will be yet another year for me to continue to grow and to become closer to God. I have a desire to meet Him at a new level. And, thankfully, with the many changes happening in my life, I have the opportunity to do just that. Dreaming will be a big part of 2014. Dreams of teaching, speaking, writing... Dreams of being a better, more present mom and wife... Desires to whole-heartedly embrace what God has in store for me and for my family.
I can see glimpses of the things to come this year, and although there is fear of the unknown, I am so excited to see what God has planned for me. And, as I journey through another day, another month, another year, I know that as long as I keep my eyes on Him, I WILL continue to grow. I WILL continue to find the true me, the me God so desires for me to be.
A new year is about to happen, and I am as ready as I possibly can be!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Following God's Lead
I am back! Okay, so I was never really gone. There just haven't been a whole lot of "sweet moments of peace" in my life these past couple of months. Even though I have not had a lot of time to write (or even think), God has been doing amazing things in my life and in my family. There are so many things I would LOVE to talk about... So many wins, so many God moments, and some significant struggles that have only led to God's light shining through. I hope that in the coming weeks I will have more time, more peace to write about all of them. But for the moment, there is something that seems most important to share...
Over the past several months, I have felt God calling me to do something I just COULD NOT do. I had every excuse in the book as to why MY plan was better than His. I dug my heels in, and refused to budge. (Picture a 3 year old refusing to clean up his toys... Foot stomping, crying, and let's not forget the "throw yourself on the floor, kicking and screaming" moment. Yup, that was me!) My refusal got me nowhere, except more frustrated, tired and well, CRANKY.
I began to seriously think about what God was calling me to do. There were moments when I could see what I needed to do, and that in the long wrong, it would be best for everyone. After some long tearful conversations with God, I gave up my thoughts and plans, left the road I was on, and chose to give everything to God. So, in just two weeks, I will be finishing up my full time position as the Director of Preschool and moving into my new part time position of Director of kid::care (our child care ministry).
In writing, it doesn't seem so scary. In fact, it seems quite nice... As a mom of 4 boys, part time definitely sounds SO MUCH BETTER! The idea of spending more time with the boys is wonderful. Continuing to work with the team I have grown to love and see as family is more than I could have asked for. I still get to work with the families at our church, still get to see the cute faces of many of the kids, and best of all, I still get to work with our Special Needs ministry. In fact, able::life will be my only Sunday morning ministry. So many awesome things in writing...
But, when I finally chose to follow God's lead, I didn't know that there was a part time position just right for me that I could move into. I didn't know I would remain in the ministry that my heart overflows for. What the logical side of me knew was that I was about to step away from a position that allowed not only financial stability but insurance coverage for my boys and me. What the emotional side of me knew was that I was going to have to say goodbye to what I have known and loved. And the biggest thing I knew was that I was about to enter a world of "unknowns", and I do not like unknowns. They scare me. They scare me even more than bees... (And let me tell you, I have a GINORMOUS, irrational fear of bees.)
My head and my heart struggled (and still do) to be on the same page. My head lists all the reasons I should just stay right where I am at. My heart cries out for so much more. And, ultimately, I believe that what my heart longs for is what God longs for me. And so, putting aside the logic and the fear, I chose to listen to God...
I find myself thinking and acting like the Israelites heading to the Promised Land sometimes. I KNOW that where God is leading me has to be better than where I was. And yet, I find myself wishing I could go back to what I know and am comfortable with. It seems so much better looking back, because I at least know what that life is like. There's no guessing... Heading somewhere I have never been or seen, doing things I have never done, trusting on a God I cannot see doesn't always sound more inviting than being a slave to the life I already know.
But, here I am heading into God's Promised Land for me. I don't know what it's fully going to look like. I seriously don't have any idea how God is going to provide for our financial needs, but I know He WILL. There are deserts to walk through, storms to weather, and a whole lot of trusting God to do. There is also a whole lot of dreaming to do (something I have not done a lot of in a very long time). I have dreams of writing more, speaking/training about the things I am most passionate about, and just maybe embracing my creative side again. And, now, I can dream. I can dream BIG. I can pursue what God has created me to do.
Following God's lead is not exactly the easiest thing for us humans... We see life through human eyes. We see the hiccups and the logic and the emotion. What we don't always see is that God can do anything. He can make the illogical happen. He's not bothered by silly things like money. He sees life through HIS eyes... and His eyes see our purpose and potential. He sees more than just a couple days or months or years ahead of us. He sees our entire lifetime. He sees the people we will meet, the impact we will have, the joy we will find. Logic and fear have no room in His view.
This journey is going to be bumpy, at best. I see a lot of different emotions in my near future. I know there will be days when I will look back at "Egypt" and wish I were there again. I also know that God has a much better plan for me. I know God is leading me somewhere I cannot even fathom... And that is where I want to go, even if it is scary and sometimes makes no sense.
Over the past several months, I have felt God calling me to do something I just COULD NOT do. I had every excuse in the book as to why MY plan was better than His. I dug my heels in, and refused to budge. (Picture a 3 year old refusing to clean up his toys... Foot stomping, crying, and let's not forget the "throw yourself on the floor, kicking and screaming" moment. Yup, that was me!) My refusal got me nowhere, except more frustrated, tired and well, CRANKY.
I began to seriously think about what God was calling me to do. There were moments when I could see what I needed to do, and that in the long wrong, it would be best for everyone. After some long tearful conversations with God, I gave up my thoughts and plans, left the road I was on, and chose to give everything to God. So, in just two weeks, I will be finishing up my full time position as the Director of Preschool and moving into my new part time position of Director of kid::care (our child care ministry).
In writing, it doesn't seem so scary. In fact, it seems quite nice... As a mom of 4 boys, part time definitely sounds SO MUCH BETTER! The idea of spending more time with the boys is wonderful. Continuing to work with the team I have grown to love and see as family is more than I could have asked for. I still get to work with the families at our church, still get to see the cute faces of many of the kids, and best of all, I still get to work with our Special Needs ministry. In fact, able::life will be my only Sunday morning ministry. So many awesome things in writing...
But, when I finally chose to follow God's lead, I didn't know that there was a part time position just right for me that I could move into. I didn't know I would remain in the ministry that my heart overflows for. What the logical side of me knew was that I was about to step away from a position that allowed not only financial stability but insurance coverage for my boys and me. What the emotional side of me knew was that I was going to have to say goodbye to what I have known and loved. And the biggest thing I knew was that I was about to enter a world of "unknowns", and I do not like unknowns. They scare me. They scare me even more than bees... (And let me tell you, I have a GINORMOUS, irrational fear of bees.)
My head and my heart struggled (and still do) to be on the same page. My head lists all the reasons I should just stay right where I am at. My heart cries out for so much more. And, ultimately, I believe that what my heart longs for is what God longs for me. And so, putting aside the logic and the fear, I chose to listen to God...
I find myself thinking and acting like the Israelites heading to the Promised Land sometimes. I KNOW that where God is leading me has to be better than where I was. And yet, I find myself wishing I could go back to what I know and am comfortable with. It seems so much better looking back, because I at least know what that life is like. There's no guessing... Heading somewhere I have never been or seen, doing things I have never done, trusting on a God I cannot see doesn't always sound more inviting than being a slave to the life I already know.
But, here I am heading into God's Promised Land for me. I don't know what it's fully going to look like. I seriously don't have any idea how God is going to provide for our financial needs, but I know He WILL. There are deserts to walk through, storms to weather, and a whole lot of trusting God to do. There is also a whole lot of dreaming to do (something I have not done a lot of in a very long time). I have dreams of writing more, speaking/training about the things I am most passionate about, and just maybe embracing my creative side again. And, now, I can dream. I can dream BIG. I can pursue what God has created me to do.
Following God's lead is not exactly the easiest thing for us humans... We see life through human eyes. We see the hiccups and the logic and the emotion. What we don't always see is that God can do anything. He can make the illogical happen. He's not bothered by silly things like money. He sees life through HIS eyes... and His eyes see our purpose and potential. He sees more than just a couple days or months or years ahead of us. He sees our entire lifetime. He sees the people we will meet, the impact we will have, the joy we will find. Logic and fear have no room in His view.
This journey is going to be bumpy, at best. I see a lot of different emotions in my near future. I know there will be days when I will look back at "Egypt" and wish I were there again. I also know that God has a much better plan for me. I know God is leading me somewhere I cannot even fathom... And that is where I want to go, even if it is scary and sometimes makes no sense.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Letting Go
As many of you know, I am somewhat of a control freak... I tend to have my hands in everything, and would typically much prefer to do things myself. I have learned to let go of much of my need to control... Sort of. I am getting better at delegating. I can even handle people doing things in a much different way than I would (as long as the end result is what we were shooting for). And, I don't need to know ALL of the details. (I still like to have all the details... I just don't require them to survive!)
But, there's an area of control that I struggle daily to let go of. And that is when it comes to my boys. I want to protect them. I want to keep foul language out of their world. I want to know who they interact with and what they're talking about. I want to ensure that no one is hurting them.
I am in no way a "helicopter mom". I have relinquished much of my control to God when Patrick was born. But there are times when all I want to do is put my beautiful, sweet natured boys in a bubble and never let them out. Today is definitely one of those days...
This year, we noticed a significant change in Patrick's behavior. He's been forgetting things regularly, not being focused on his work at school, and struggling to stay focused at home. Other things have happened that has never happened with him before. (I promised Patrick I wouldn't share exactly what has happened. But, it's stuff 2nd graders don't typically have problems with.)
When we first started seeing the changes, we talked with him and his teacher. We created a list for him to remember his stuff (which didn't help because he would forget to look at the bright yellow list on his backpack). We asked for his seat to be changed at school. We did everything we could to help him get more focused. After more talking with the teacher, we learned that there's a kid on his bus that has been making Patrick give up his snack everyday. Although Patrick told me one time that that happened (and I told him that he didn't have to give his snack to anyone), he didn't tell us that it continued to happen for weeks.
It turns out that not only was this happening, the same kid was doing other mean things to Patrick. And of course, when one kid starts, others join in. When I heard about this, my heart broke for him. I was crushed to hear that our sweet Patrick was being messed with. But we had a plan... The teacher was going to talk with the principal to have Patrick's seat changed on the bus. Patrick seemed relieved when we told him he would have a new seat. I thought we were well on our way to fixing what was going on.
That is until today. After an incident at school, Kevin and I decided we needed to take Patrick to the doctors. Once there, the doctor asked Patrick a bunch of questions (while I was pacing outside the room). Turns out the boy on the bus is not the only one messing with Patrick. There were several things Patrick shared with the doctor that kids have done to him or have said this year that are very hurtful to him. We had no idea... He has never shared any of it with us. When asked why he didn't tell us, he said he didn't want to tattle. He didn't want to get his friends in trouble.
I so desperately wanted to scoop him up right then and there and never let him go. Thoughts of homeschooling flew through my head. I want so badly to protect him from all the negative stuff. But I can't do that. We weren't given this beautiful, smart, caring little boy to keep in a bubble his whole life. We were given him to teach him of God's love, so he can show others God's love. He was created to live life and to impact those around him.
My job as his parent is to help shape him and love him and walk life with him. It's to let go and trust God. I can't protect him from mean people. BUT, I can teach him to stand up for himself. I can teach him when someone is truly his friend and when they are not. I can teach him he is never alone and is always loved by the God who created him. And I can pray for him (and his brothers) without ceasing.
As much as my heart aches for him, and as hard as this journey is going to be, I can't control it. I can talk to his teacher and help him at home. I can give him advise and guidance. I can have his seat changed. But, ultimately, I don't have control of the external forces in his life. I have no choice but to let it go and give it all to God. Only He can have that kind of control. Patrick is HIS child, and He has great things planned for Patrick. And my job is to let God lead... Even when it's hard. (And it is!)
But, there's an area of control that I struggle daily to let go of. And that is when it comes to my boys. I want to protect them. I want to keep foul language out of their world. I want to know who they interact with and what they're talking about. I want to ensure that no one is hurting them.
I am in no way a "helicopter mom". I have relinquished much of my control to God when Patrick was born. But there are times when all I want to do is put my beautiful, sweet natured boys in a bubble and never let them out. Today is definitely one of those days...
This year, we noticed a significant change in Patrick's behavior. He's been forgetting things regularly, not being focused on his work at school, and struggling to stay focused at home. Other things have happened that has never happened with him before. (I promised Patrick I wouldn't share exactly what has happened. But, it's stuff 2nd graders don't typically have problems with.)
When we first started seeing the changes, we talked with him and his teacher. We created a list for him to remember his stuff (which didn't help because he would forget to look at the bright yellow list on his backpack). We asked for his seat to be changed at school. We did everything we could to help him get more focused. After more talking with the teacher, we learned that there's a kid on his bus that has been making Patrick give up his snack everyday. Although Patrick told me one time that that happened (and I told him that he didn't have to give his snack to anyone), he didn't tell us that it continued to happen for weeks.
It turns out that not only was this happening, the same kid was doing other mean things to Patrick. And of course, when one kid starts, others join in. When I heard about this, my heart broke for him. I was crushed to hear that our sweet Patrick was being messed with. But we had a plan... The teacher was going to talk with the principal to have Patrick's seat changed on the bus. Patrick seemed relieved when we told him he would have a new seat. I thought we were well on our way to fixing what was going on.
That is until today. After an incident at school, Kevin and I decided we needed to take Patrick to the doctors. Once there, the doctor asked Patrick a bunch of questions (while I was pacing outside the room). Turns out the boy on the bus is not the only one messing with Patrick. There were several things Patrick shared with the doctor that kids have done to him or have said this year that are very hurtful to him. We had no idea... He has never shared any of it with us. When asked why he didn't tell us, he said he didn't want to tattle. He didn't want to get his friends in trouble.
I so desperately wanted to scoop him up right then and there and never let him go. Thoughts of homeschooling flew through my head. I want so badly to protect him from all the negative stuff. But I can't do that. We weren't given this beautiful, smart, caring little boy to keep in a bubble his whole life. We were given him to teach him of God's love, so he can show others God's love. He was created to live life and to impact those around him.
My job as his parent is to help shape him and love him and walk life with him. It's to let go and trust God. I can't protect him from mean people. BUT, I can teach him to stand up for himself. I can teach him when someone is truly his friend and when they are not. I can teach him he is never alone and is always loved by the God who created him. And I can pray for him (and his brothers) without ceasing.
As much as my heart aches for him, and as hard as this journey is going to be, I can't control it. I can talk to his teacher and help him at home. I can give him advise and guidance. I can have his seat changed. But, ultimately, I don't have control of the external forces in his life. I have no choice but to let it go and give it all to God. Only He can have that kind of control. Patrick is HIS child, and He has great things planned for Patrick. And my job is to let God lead... Even when it's hard. (And it is!)
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
What if...
As a general rule, I have tried to stay clear of the "what if's" in life... What if I had studied harder? What if I had eaten less junk while pregnant? What if I had gone to a different school? What if I had blonde hair? I learned a long time ago that the "what if's" are more often than not just a way to get stuck in the past. A way to hang on to mistakes that we can't change. (I could give you a whole long list of my past "what if's".)
Sometimes, the "what if" can be about things that probably would NEVER happen. For instance, how many times have you asked your spouse or friend or family member, "What if you won the lottery? What would you do with the money?" I cannot tell you how many times my husband has thought about that. Oh, sure, it would be great to win the lottery. But it's not very helpful to our family to daydream about winning something we don't even play!
But, there's another kind of "what if" that I have noticed myself thinking about more and more... It comes from a different part of me. The part of me that wants to make a difference. The part of me that has been seeing my life, my role, my story in a very different light. These are thoughts that have been shaping me as a leader, as a mother, as a wife, and most importantly, as a child of God.
What if I stopped focusing on my to-do lists? What if I put aside the busyness and focused on the here and now? What if I were more present as a leader, a mother, a wife? What if I let go of my fear and wholly trusted God? What if my STORY wasn't the only story being told? (I know, sounds a bit obvious, since, well, there's a bazillion people on earth... But, I tend to get lost in my own story, and forget about all the stories around me!)
Maybe age has changed me, or maybe it's the amazing influences God has placed in my life, but the person shaping, life changing, story making "what if's" in my head have moved to a place of action. I no longer just THINK it... I DREAM it... I DO it. The "what if's" have turned from "wouldn't it be nice" to "how can I make that happen?"
I have let go of many of my to-do's. I no longer run at 90 mph ALL the time (maybe half the time now!). I have more "focused" time with my family, Ministry Partners, and friends. There's still some fear, but I am learning to not let it run me. And, I am way more in tune with the stories of those around me. The "what if's" have shaped my everyday interactions, including with God.
I LOVE talking about "what if's"... I love to ask "what would it look like if...". (Up until just a few months ago, those two previous statements would have NEVER come out of my mouth. Just sayin'!) It's a part of dreaming, growing, stretching... Something I am only beginning to really embrace. Something my mentor and boss is teaching me (or maybe reminding me how) to do.
What are your "what if's"? Do you find yourself stuck in the past "what if's"? Or maybe you're a dreamer and have "what if's" that could change the way you live life or serve others... Wherever you are in the "what if's", where is God leading you?
Sometimes, the "what if" can be about things that probably would NEVER happen. For instance, how many times have you asked your spouse or friend or family member, "What if you won the lottery? What would you do with the money?" I cannot tell you how many times my husband has thought about that. Oh, sure, it would be great to win the lottery. But it's not very helpful to our family to daydream about winning something we don't even play!
But, there's another kind of "what if" that I have noticed myself thinking about more and more... It comes from a different part of me. The part of me that wants to make a difference. The part of me that has been seeing my life, my role, my story in a very different light. These are thoughts that have been shaping me as a leader, as a mother, as a wife, and most importantly, as a child of God.
What if I stopped focusing on my to-do lists? What if I put aside the busyness and focused on the here and now? What if I were more present as a leader, a mother, a wife? What if I let go of my fear and wholly trusted God? What if my STORY wasn't the only story being told? (I know, sounds a bit obvious, since, well, there's a bazillion people on earth... But, I tend to get lost in my own story, and forget about all the stories around me!)
Maybe age has changed me, or maybe it's the amazing influences God has placed in my life, but the person shaping, life changing, story making "what if's" in my head have moved to a place of action. I no longer just THINK it... I DREAM it... I DO it. The "what if's" have turned from "wouldn't it be nice" to "how can I make that happen?"
I have let go of many of my to-do's. I no longer run at 90 mph ALL the time (maybe half the time now!). I have more "focused" time with my family, Ministry Partners, and friends. There's still some fear, but I am learning to not let it run me. And, I am way more in tune with the stories of those around me. The "what if's" have shaped my everyday interactions, including with God.
I LOVE talking about "what if's"... I love to ask "what would it look like if...". (Up until just a few months ago, those two previous statements would have NEVER come out of my mouth. Just sayin'!) It's a part of dreaming, growing, stretching... Something I am only beginning to really embrace. Something my mentor and boss is teaching me (or maybe reminding me how) to do.
What are your "what if's"? Do you find yourself stuck in the past "what if's"? Or maybe you're a dreamer and have "what if's" that could change the way you live life or serve others... Wherever you are in the "what if's", where is God leading you?
Thursday, September 5, 2013
The "WINS"
As many of you know, I work at a church as the Director of Preschool. "Preschool" encompasses everything from newborn through Kindergarten. I also oversee able::life, our Special Needs ministry, as well as a newly developing "Buddies" program. This isn't a job for me... It's a ministry, a mission, something I know God has called me to be doing. In the last several years, God has shaped me to be in this moment, this place. And, let me tell you, it has been one wild and amazing ride!
On a Sunday, I am blessed to lead an amazing team of men, women, and teens who all love God and love the children they are serving. During the week, I work alongside dedicated leaders who all have the same vision: that the children and families at our church (and outside our church) experience God's love and live for Him.
Our Children's Ministry is rather large, and we see a lot of families each week. Every family has their own story, their own journey, just as each person who serves has their own joys and struggles. In the hubbub of a Sunday morning it is so easy to lose sight of that. It is so easy for all of us to lose sight of the wonderful God moments... the "WINS" as we call them at work. These aren't my wins... They are God's wins. I know I struggle often to take a breath and truly look at how God is working and moving in the day to day things. SO, I wanted to spend just a few moments to share just a couple WINS our ministry has seen.
In our able::life ministry, we have a teenage guy who has been coming for at least a year. He loves to joke around and have a good time laughing. He has spent the year doing what was expected and participating when necessary. But, there was never a spark in his eye. Never a true excitement for being there. That is until 3 weeks ago. A new male Ministry Partner joined our able::life team who has never served with children with Special Needs. He came because his wife wanted to serve and he wanted to serve with her. The new Ministry Partner was paired up with the teen guy, and they did quite well together. The following week, the Ministry Partner came in to serve (even though it wasn't his week) and again paired up with the teen guy. By the end of that service, there was a look on the teen guy's face I had never seen before... It was pure joy. He was smiling and joking around and just enjoying himself. This man who had never served with someone with Special Needs connected with this teen in a way no one else was able to do. (On a side note, this teen came in that morning extremely angry and was being rude to his family. His family was bracing for a tough morning, but God placed the right person and the right time and softened his heart!)
In Preschool, we had our typical big "move up" at the beginning of the school year. Almost every child moved up into a new classroom. It was also a time of new Ministry Partners joining the team. In one of our classrooms, one of the new Ministry Partners (who just oozes God's love) connected with one of the little girls. The little girl loved spending time with the new Ministry Partner. It was already a "win"! But what made this even more of a win was that the Ministry Partner ran into the little girl's mom and told her how much she loves being with her daughter in the room. The mom couldn't have been happier to hear how much her daughter is loved and cared for.
The win in both situations wasn't just in the fact that a mom was happy or that the child was happy or that the Ministry Partner was happy (however, that is definitely a perk!). Rather, the bigger win was that it was exactly how God wants ministry to be. For people to serve where they are meant to serve, where God has created them to serve, where they are following God's lead. Nothing beats seeing people shine for God. And the cherry on top is seeing the children and families experience God's love in a very special way.
It is SO very easy for me to miss the wins... It is easy for all of us. The fast paced life makes it difficult to see those moments. Often times there are louder, annoying fails that keep us focused on the wrong things. But, when we take the time and slow down, we can see the wins. We can see where God's hand has played a part in something wonderful. There are wins all around us. It's just a matter of making a point to see them.
On a Sunday, I am blessed to lead an amazing team of men, women, and teens who all love God and love the children they are serving. During the week, I work alongside dedicated leaders who all have the same vision: that the children and families at our church (and outside our church) experience God's love and live for Him.
Our Children's Ministry is rather large, and we see a lot of families each week. Every family has their own story, their own journey, just as each person who serves has their own joys and struggles. In the hubbub of a Sunday morning it is so easy to lose sight of that. It is so easy for all of us to lose sight of the wonderful God moments... the "WINS" as we call them at work. These aren't my wins... They are God's wins. I know I struggle often to take a breath and truly look at how God is working and moving in the day to day things. SO, I wanted to spend just a few moments to share just a couple WINS our ministry has seen.
In our able::life ministry, we have a teenage guy who has been coming for at least a year. He loves to joke around and have a good time laughing. He has spent the year doing what was expected and participating when necessary. But, there was never a spark in his eye. Never a true excitement for being there. That is until 3 weeks ago. A new male Ministry Partner joined our able::life team who has never served with children with Special Needs. He came because his wife wanted to serve and he wanted to serve with her. The new Ministry Partner was paired up with the teen guy, and they did quite well together. The following week, the Ministry Partner came in to serve (even though it wasn't his week) and again paired up with the teen guy. By the end of that service, there was a look on the teen guy's face I had never seen before... It was pure joy. He was smiling and joking around and just enjoying himself. This man who had never served with someone with Special Needs connected with this teen in a way no one else was able to do. (On a side note, this teen came in that morning extremely angry and was being rude to his family. His family was bracing for a tough morning, but God placed the right person and the right time and softened his heart!)
In Preschool, we had our typical big "move up" at the beginning of the school year. Almost every child moved up into a new classroom. It was also a time of new Ministry Partners joining the team. In one of our classrooms, one of the new Ministry Partners (who just oozes God's love) connected with one of the little girls. The little girl loved spending time with the new Ministry Partner. It was already a "win"! But what made this even more of a win was that the Ministry Partner ran into the little girl's mom and told her how much she loves being with her daughter in the room. The mom couldn't have been happier to hear how much her daughter is loved and cared for.
The win in both situations wasn't just in the fact that a mom was happy or that the child was happy or that the Ministry Partner was happy (however, that is definitely a perk!). Rather, the bigger win was that it was exactly how God wants ministry to be. For people to serve where they are meant to serve, where God has created them to serve, where they are following God's lead. Nothing beats seeing people shine for God. And the cherry on top is seeing the children and families experience God's love in a very special way.
It is SO very easy for me to miss the wins... It is easy for all of us. The fast paced life makes it difficult to see those moments. Often times there are louder, annoying fails that keep us focused on the wrong things. But, when we take the time and slow down, we can see the wins. We can see where God's hand has played a part in something wonderful. There are wins all around us. It's just a matter of making a point to see them.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Growing Acceptance
The new school year is pretty much here. Some kids start this week, while others (like my boys) start next week. This year will bring so many new adventures and new friends and new things to learn. This year will also bring new challenges, new battles to fight, and some things we cannot prevent or even anticipate.
Today I took Tyler for his Kindergarten visitation. He had the chance to walk around his classroom, meet his teacher, and see the other kids in his class. He even had the chance to ride a school bus! He was SO excited driving to the school. He was even excited walking down the hallway. And then, BAM, we walk into his classroom and he froze. He wouldn't talk to anybody, including his new teacher. He completely shut down. I was able to get him to finally say hi to his teacher, but the typical chatty Tyler was chatty no more. So we went for a walk around the school. I showed him where Patrick will be, which is only 5 doors down from Tyler. I told him he might even see Patrick... He started to relax again and asked if we could go out to the bus.
Once outside, he wouldn't stop talking. He was jumping up and down, talking about everything and anything. His nerves were getting the best of him. As he was jumping around and being his "normal" nervous self, he saw a girl he knew from Preschool. With a great big smile, he yells hi to her. She didn't hear him at first, so he said it again. She looked at him, and with a disgusted face turns to her friend and says, "What is HE doing here?" I guess the friend didn't hear her the first time, because the girl repeated, while pointing at Tyler, "What is HE doing here? He's so weird. Don't talk to him."
Instantly my heart broke. Never has anyone talked to or about my child in that way. What broke my heart even more was that Tyler had no idea how mean she was being to him. You see, he doesn't pick up on many social cues. You could walk away from him and he would continue to talk you as if you were still there. It's just a quirk he has. And maybe, in some ways, it's good that he doesn't notice things like other people teasing him or being mean. But it makes him stick out even more when he continues to smile and wave at a girl who was hurting him.
As I was telling Kevin about what happened at the school, his initial reaction was to want to DO something. I wanted to DO something. Talk to the mom (who, by the way, was standing right next to her daughter), talk to the girl, pull the girl's pants down (okay, that was what Kevin wanted to do)... As parents, we want to fix this.
But, we know there is nothing we can do to fix it. We know our child. We know that he does act differently sometimes. We know he struggles to contain himself. We know he talks incessantly. And we know that his quirkyness can lead to teasing. We cannot shelter him from it. We, as his parents and as parents to 3 other boys, need to accept that this is part of life on earth.
I am not saying that we won't at times have conversations with parents or teachers or even principals. We will always fight for our boys. But there comes a point where I believe we need to spend less time fighting and more time growing our boys into confident, accepting children of God. We may not be able to change the actions of mean children or hateful adults. But, we CAN help our boys accept who they have been created to be. We CAN teach them that God made them exactly who HE wanted them to be and no matter what any other person says, they are special to HIM and to us.
We can teach them to walk away, turn the other cheek, and to stand up for themselves. We can teach them that sometimes people are going to be mean to them or to their friends, and that it's because they are sad or lonely or scared or a number of other reasons. But, most importantly, we can instill in them a confidence that they are God's child, and God doesn't make mistakes.
I may not be able to always protect my children from life on Earth. The outside world can be cruel and judgemental. And as much as I would love to shield them from the ugliness, I can't. God has too many plans for them to be stashed away in a bubble. SO, I have to trust God. And I have to continue to remind my children everyday, sometimes every hour, how wonderfully and fearfully they each were made. At the end of the day, all I can truly do is pray that God guides Kevin and me to raise our four boys into confident young men, who accept themselves just as they are.
Today I took Tyler for his Kindergarten visitation. He had the chance to walk around his classroom, meet his teacher, and see the other kids in his class. He even had the chance to ride a school bus! He was SO excited driving to the school. He was even excited walking down the hallway. And then, BAM, we walk into his classroom and he froze. He wouldn't talk to anybody, including his new teacher. He completely shut down. I was able to get him to finally say hi to his teacher, but the typical chatty Tyler was chatty no more. So we went for a walk around the school. I showed him where Patrick will be, which is only 5 doors down from Tyler. I told him he might even see Patrick... He started to relax again and asked if we could go out to the bus.
Once outside, he wouldn't stop talking. He was jumping up and down, talking about everything and anything. His nerves were getting the best of him. As he was jumping around and being his "normal" nervous self, he saw a girl he knew from Preschool. With a great big smile, he yells hi to her. She didn't hear him at first, so he said it again. She looked at him, and with a disgusted face turns to her friend and says, "What is HE doing here?" I guess the friend didn't hear her the first time, because the girl repeated, while pointing at Tyler, "What is HE doing here? He's so weird. Don't talk to him."
Instantly my heart broke. Never has anyone talked to or about my child in that way. What broke my heart even more was that Tyler had no idea how mean she was being to him. You see, he doesn't pick up on many social cues. You could walk away from him and he would continue to talk you as if you were still there. It's just a quirk he has. And maybe, in some ways, it's good that he doesn't notice things like other people teasing him or being mean. But it makes him stick out even more when he continues to smile and wave at a girl who was hurting him.
As I was telling Kevin about what happened at the school, his initial reaction was to want to DO something. I wanted to DO something. Talk to the mom (who, by the way, was standing right next to her daughter), talk to the girl, pull the girl's pants down (okay, that was what Kevin wanted to do)... As parents, we want to fix this.
But, we know there is nothing we can do to fix it. We know our child. We know that he does act differently sometimes. We know he struggles to contain himself. We know he talks incessantly. And we know that his quirkyness can lead to teasing. We cannot shelter him from it. We, as his parents and as parents to 3 other boys, need to accept that this is part of life on earth.
I am not saying that we won't at times have conversations with parents or teachers or even principals. We will always fight for our boys. But there comes a point where I believe we need to spend less time fighting and more time growing our boys into confident, accepting children of God. We may not be able to change the actions of mean children or hateful adults. But, we CAN help our boys accept who they have been created to be. We CAN teach them that God made them exactly who HE wanted them to be and no matter what any other person says, they are special to HIM and to us.
We can teach them to walk away, turn the other cheek, and to stand up for themselves. We can teach them that sometimes people are going to be mean to them or to their friends, and that it's because they are sad or lonely or scared or a number of other reasons. But, most importantly, we can instill in them a confidence that they are God's child, and God doesn't make mistakes.
I may not be able to always protect my children from life on Earth. The outside world can be cruel and judgemental. And as much as I would love to shield them from the ugliness, I can't. God has too many plans for them to be stashed away in a bubble. SO, I have to trust God. And I have to continue to remind my children everyday, sometimes every hour, how wonderfully and fearfully they each were made. At the end of the day, all I can truly do is pray that God guides Kevin and me to raise our four boys into confident young men, who accept themselves just as they are.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Joy in Hard times
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2
I remember reading that verse years ago, and chuckling to myself. The words "trials" and "joy" were not at all words I would have put together in a sentence. Who in their right mind would have joy in times of trial? In my head, I eventually learned what that meant. The joy James was talking about wasn't something that equated to a giddy, happiness. Rather, it is an emotion intended to feel past the yuckiness and into what God is truly doing with you. The joy comes from the BIGGER PICTURE... My heart, however, took many more years to really figure it out. (As it tends to go with me. My heart is always slower to learn things!)
As I get older and experience more trials, I have focused more on what James was saying. I could easily get wrapped up in the trials, as there tends to be many at one time. I could wallow in discouragement (as I was in this post: Discouraged) for quite a long time. But, after a few moments, sometimes days (and even weeks), I move from that discouragement to a place of almost joy. My trials are still there. They don't suddenly disappear when my attitude changes. I am still a mom of 4 boys. I am still trying to juggle the needs of 2 boys on the Spectrum, as well as working a full time job. And, oh yeah, let's not forget that I have a husband and a house and friends. Financial issues, sickness, and other hard times still hit my household. None of that has changed. BUT, the way I see things has changed immensely.
I find myself in a place where I have not only accepted that this is my life, but I have found ways to see that this life is a GIFT from God. The trials and frustrations I face are a way for God to shape me and mold me into what HE has created me for. Each trial sharpens me. Each frustration allows an opportunity to become MORE FOCUSED on Him. It teaches me to persevere through the trials, because the end is so worth it!
Ultimately, we are not here to have an easy life. God NEVER promised for an easy life on earth. He pretty much promised that we would face trials. But it's those trials that can strengthen our faith. If we move from discouragement, and fear, and anger, to trust and faith that God's intentions for us are good, we can find a way to find joy. And those moments of joy help us to persevere through the next trial. Because, with each trial, with each moment of joy within the trial, we see God even more. We see we can trust Him and His plan. We can see His hand in the trial, and we can hold on to His truth.
I can honestly say that I am thankful for the life God has given me. I am thankful for the good things that God has given me, like a wonderful husband and 4 beautiful boys. I am thankful for my job, as it is way MORE than just a job. I am grateful for the friends and family in my life.
But, here's the thing. I am also thankful for the moments in my life that have not been so good. I am thankful not that I lost a baby girl at only 15 weeks pregnant, but I am thankful that God was there to help pull me through. I am not thankful that 2 of my sons are on the Autism Spectrum, but I am thankful that God helps me help them. With every trial, no matter how hard, I am thankful that I have a God that I can trust. And it is that trust, and that faith in Him, that helps me wake up every morning and go to bed every night, ready to persevere through the trials. It is my faith in HIM and HIS plans for me that allow me to find joy, even in the midst of some really hard times.
I am not perfect. It sometimes takes a LONG time for me to find even a glimmer of joy when life is not going my way. And it is definitely NOT a pretty process (you can ask my husband and friends)! But it is worth the ugliness to find the joy. Because I have found that it is the joy in knowing God is shaping me and molding me in the hard times that keeps me going.
I remember reading that verse years ago, and chuckling to myself. The words "trials" and "joy" were not at all words I would have put together in a sentence. Who in their right mind would have joy in times of trial? In my head, I eventually learned what that meant. The joy James was talking about wasn't something that equated to a giddy, happiness. Rather, it is an emotion intended to feel past the yuckiness and into what God is truly doing with you. The joy comes from the BIGGER PICTURE... My heart, however, took many more years to really figure it out. (As it tends to go with me. My heart is always slower to learn things!)
As I get older and experience more trials, I have focused more on what James was saying. I could easily get wrapped up in the trials, as there tends to be many at one time. I could wallow in discouragement (as I was in this post: Discouraged) for quite a long time. But, after a few moments, sometimes days (and even weeks), I move from that discouragement to a place of almost joy. My trials are still there. They don't suddenly disappear when my attitude changes. I am still a mom of 4 boys. I am still trying to juggle the needs of 2 boys on the Spectrum, as well as working a full time job. And, oh yeah, let's not forget that I have a husband and a house and friends. Financial issues, sickness, and other hard times still hit my household. None of that has changed. BUT, the way I see things has changed immensely.
I find myself in a place where I have not only accepted that this is my life, but I have found ways to see that this life is a GIFT from God. The trials and frustrations I face are a way for God to shape me and mold me into what HE has created me for. Each trial sharpens me. Each frustration allows an opportunity to become MORE FOCUSED on Him. It teaches me to persevere through the trials, because the end is so worth it!
Ultimately, we are not here to have an easy life. God NEVER promised for an easy life on earth. He pretty much promised that we would face trials. But it's those trials that can strengthen our faith. If we move from discouragement, and fear, and anger, to trust and faith that God's intentions for us are good, we can find a way to find joy. And those moments of joy help us to persevere through the next trial. Because, with each trial, with each moment of joy within the trial, we see God even more. We see we can trust Him and His plan. We can see His hand in the trial, and we can hold on to His truth.
I can honestly say that I am thankful for the life God has given me. I am thankful for the good things that God has given me, like a wonderful husband and 4 beautiful boys. I am thankful for my job, as it is way MORE than just a job. I am grateful for the friends and family in my life.
But, here's the thing. I am also thankful for the moments in my life that have not been so good. I am thankful not that I lost a baby girl at only 15 weeks pregnant, but I am thankful that God was there to help pull me through. I am not thankful that 2 of my sons are on the Autism Spectrum, but I am thankful that God helps me help them. With every trial, no matter how hard, I am thankful that I have a God that I can trust. And it is that trust, and that faith in Him, that helps me wake up every morning and go to bed every night, ready to persevere through the trials. It is my faith in HIM and HIS plans for me that allow me to find joy, even in the midst of some really hard times.
I am not perfect. It sometimes takes a LONG time for me to find even a glimmer of joy when life is not going my way. And it is definitely NOT a pretty process (you can ask my husband and friends)! But it is worth the ugliness to find the joy. Because I have found that it is the joy in knowing God is shaping me and molding me in the hard times that keeps me going.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Discouraged
I wish I had something extremely positive to write... I wish my head was flooded with awesomeness, waiting to explode onto this page. Instead, I feel discouraged and tired and just plain worn out. I had promised when I started this blog that I would be open and honest, because my journey is no different than anyone else's. It is filled with highs and lows, and I strongly believe that sharing my lows may help someone just as much as sharing my highs.
Life with 4 boys and a husband (and a full time job, a house to keep, etc.) can be crazy at times. The noise level alone in our house can drive some people to insanity! The tornado effect that the boys have can be disheartening, when after I work so hard to clean, they demolish it within seconds. Oh, and let's not even get started on the bickering that occurs! It is amazing to me that they can fight over a car, even though there are 20 other cars (some that are the exact same car) sitting within 2 feet of them.
There is no time, no room, and frankly, no energy to pursue any creative projects. I have 2 projects waiting to be started that should have been finished 3 months ago. There's a bedroom waiting to be transformed into an oasis for me... A space where I can close the door and feel peace. Too bad it requires work and time that I just can't find.
But, I have to tell you, that stuff is not what leaves me truly discouraged at this moment. I feel discouraged because I feel my parenting isn't enough for my boys... I feel like their sudden emotional mood swings and utter meltdowns are somehow my fault. (I know in my head that's not the case. But my heart is not so convinced.) I have no idea how to help a couple of my boys work through whatever they are going through, and I feel helpless. I am the one who everyone turns to when they don't understand Ben. I am the one who helps create a plan to keep Tyler on the right track. I am the one who should know how to figure out Zachary. And right now, I have no answers. All I can do is trust God to provide the answers. And, I have to tell you, when Ben is so upset he can barely breathe, waiting for God's answer can be tough!
Picture yourself in a small room with a teeny tiny door... You are wearing the scratchiest, most uncomfortable outfit you can think of (think burlap). You have 3 different heavy metal bands all playing at the same time. Some random person keeps poking you. You have to go to the bathroom. And while all this is happening, your boss is trying to explain an extremely important project to you (one that could make or break your job). That is how it feels to be in Ben's shoes. Or at least that's how I believe he feels. There are moments when he can't stand being in his own skin. He can't always understand the world around him. And to make things worse, what makes him feels better one moment can make him feel worse another. Tantrums and crying and meltdowns are common place in our house. Sharing and being nice can be tough for 4 young boys. But when Ben truly melts down, it's not about the car or the sharing. It's so about so much more. And there is NOTHING I can do for him. He has to figure it out on his own. He reaches the point of no return...
In those moments, I feel helpless. I feel that as a mom I am failing. It is MY job to comfort my boys. It is my job to know how to discipline them. It is my job to know the difference between a normal tantrum and a "I don't want to be in my own skin" meltdown. And yet, I know nothing. It will take me days, if not weeks, to test run different theories on what's making Ben uncomfortable. It will take a lot of trial and error to find ways to calm him. (Which, by the way, will change by the time we figure it all out!)
I don't share this with you because I want you to feel bad for me. I know God is with me and my family and I know He will take care of my boys. Somewhere inside me I know that this too shall pass and as long as I cling to God, everything will be okay.
I share this with you because I am not the only mom who feels this way. I know that there are so many moms of Special Needs kids (not to mention all other moms) who feel alone and lost... Many of whom don't realize that we all have these thoughts and feelings. I share because I don't want people to ever feel like they are the only ones who get discouraged, or scared, or frustrated. I am honest (maybe sometimes too honest) about my journey because I know God can use my story somehow...
Life with 4 boys and a husband (and a full time job, a house to keep, etc.) can be crazy at times. The noise level alone in our house can drive some people to insanity! The tornado effect that the boys have can be disheartening, when after I work so hard to clean, they demolish it within seconds. Oh, and let's not even get started on the bickering that occurs! It is amazing to me that they can fight over a car, even though there are 20 other cars (some that are the exact same car) sitting within 2 feet of them.
There is no time, no room, and frankly, no energy to pursue any creative projects. I have 2 projects waiting to be started that should have been finished 3 months ago. There's a bedroom waiting to be transformed into an oasis for me... A space where I can close the door and feel peace. Too bad it requires work and time that I just can't find.
But, I have to tell you, that stuff is not what leaves me truly discouraged at this moment. I feel discouraged because I feel my parenting isn't enough for my boys... I feel like their sudden emotional mood swings and utter meltdowns are somehow my fault. (I know in my head that's not the case. But my heart is not so convinced.) I have no idea how to help a couple of my boys work through whatever they are going through, and I feel helpless. I am the one who everyone turns to when they don't understand Ben. I am the one who helps create a plan to keep Tyler on the right track. I am the one who should know how to figure out Zachary. And right now, I have no answers. All I can do is trust God to provide the answers. And, I have to tell you, when Ben is so upset he can barely breathe, waiting for God's answer can be tough!
Picture yourself in a small room with a teeny tiny door... You are wearing the scratchiest, most uncomfortable outfit you can think of (think burlap). You have 3 different heavy metal bands all playing at the same time. Some random person keeps poking you. You have to go to the bathroom. And while all this is happening, your boss is trying to explain an extremely important project to you (one that could make or break your job). That is how it feels to be in Ben's shoes. Or at least that's how I believe he feels. There are moments when he can't stand being in his own skin. He can't always understand the world around him. And to make things worse, what makes him feels better one moment can make him feel worse another. Tantrums and crying and meltdowns are common place in our house. Sharing and being nice can be tough for 4 young boys. But when Ben truly melts down, it's not about the car or the sharing. It's so about so much more. And there is NOTHING I can do for him. He has to figure it out on his own. He reaches the point of no return...
In those moments, I feel helpless. I feel that as a mom I am failing. It is MY job to comfort my boys. It is my job to know how to discipline them. It is my job to know the difference between a normal tantrum and a "I don't want to be in my own skin" meltdown. And yet, I know nothing. It will take me days, if not weeks, to test run different theories on what's making Ben uncomfortable. It will take a lot of trial and error to find ways to calm him. (Which, by the way, will change by the time we figure it all out!)
I don't share this with you because I want you to feel bad for me. I know God is with me and my family and I know He will take care of my boys. Somewhere inside me I know that this too shall pass and as long as I cling to God, everything will be okay.
I share this with you because I am not the only mom who feels this way. I know that there are so many moms of Special Needs kids (not to mention all other moms) who feel alone and lost... Many of whom don't realize that we all have these thoughts and feelings. I share because I don't want people to ever feel like they are the only ones who get discouraged, or scared, or frustrated. I am honest (maybe sometimes too honest) about my journey because I know God can use my story somehow...
Monday, June 24, 2013
Irreplaceable
This past week I was away with my family on a wonderful vacation at the Jersey Shore. We played in the sand, rode rides on the boardwalk, ate more ice cream than we typically eat in 2 months, and had a blast being together without the normal life distractions. We slept in a cabin (or cabinet as Zachary calls it), ate hot dogs that were cooked over an open fire, and and enjoyed what nature had to offer. I wish I could say that I was 100% in the moment. I wish I could say that my head was where it should have been. But, it wasn't... While on vacation with my amazing husband and fantastic boys, my head was not always focused on the here and now. Rather, it drifted off into thoughts of insecurity and fear.
For the most part I was able to push it aside, but Sunday morning I woke up in a funk. I woke up feeling like I wasn't needed. That there wasn't anything I could offer to my family or to my work that someone else couldn't offer as well, if not better than me. I was faced with knowing that in order to have a Sunday off, that there were 3 very capable, wonderful women doing my job. And I knew that they were doing it well! (This is when most people would be thrilled to sleep in and know that fabulous people were in control...) All of my thoughts lead me to believe that I was replaceable.
The nagging thoughts from the week hit me full force as I went through my morning. And then the moment came when I heard what I so desperately needed to hear. I heard the truth. I heard that yes, those 3 amazing women did a fantastic job. They ministered to families and showed God's love in a way that makes me quite proud. And, although they were doing a part of my "job", they were in no way replacing me. Rather, they were growing and maturing along side me.
It is heard every so often in ministry that your goal should be to work yourself out of a job. How I have taken that for many years is that you should be working on shaping replacements for yourself. But as I was in the gym tonight, it became very clear to me that I was totally wrong. It's NOT about replacing myself... It's about building up others to do ministry they have been called to do. It's about growing and maturing those in ministry so that they can continue building and loving and partnering. And as those people grow and mature, I can continue with ministry the way God calls me to, knowing that what has been built will not only remain, but will grow. It's definitely not about finding replacements.
No one is replaceable. God has made us irreplaceable. He has made each of us unique, with a mixture of qualities and personalities that no one else has. Yes, sometimes, someone can come in and do your job. Sometimes it might even seem they can do it better. BUT, that doesn't mean you are replaceable. No one else on this earth is exactly like you. There is absolutely no one else who is wired just like me (and I am pretty confident that's a very good thing)! Our roles shift, our jobs change, but at no point can anybody be us. We are irreplaceable. And that's how it should be.
For the most part I was able to push it aside, but Sunday morning I woke up in a funk. I woke up feeling like I wasn't needed. That there wasn't anything I could offer to my family or to my work that someone else couldn't offer as well, if not better than me. I was faced with knowing that in order to have a Sunday off, that there were 3 very capable, wonderful women doing my job. And I knew that they were doing it well! (This is when most people would be thrilled to sleep in and know that fabulous people were in control...) All of my thoughts lead me to believe that I was replaceable.
The nagging thoughts from the week hit me full force as I went through my morning. And then the moment came when I heard what I so desperately needed to hear. I heard the truth. I heard that yes, those 3 amazing women did a fantastic job. They ministered to families and showed God's love in a way that makes me quite proud. And, although they were doing a part of my "job", they were in no way replacing me. Rather, they were growing and maturing along side me.
It is heard every so often in ministry that your goal should be to work yourself out of a job. How I have taken that for many years is that you should be working on shaping replacements for yourself. But as I was in the gym tonight, it became very clear to me that I was totally wrong. It's NOT about replacing myself... It's about building up others to do ministry they have been called to do. It's about growing and maturing those in ministry so that they can continue building and loving and partnering. And as those people grow and mature, I can continue with ministry the way God calls me to, knowing that what has been built will not only remain, but will grow. It's definitely not about finding replacements.
No one is replaceable. God has made us irreplaceable. He has made each of us unique, with a mixture of qualities and personalities that no one else has. Yes, sometimes, someone can come in and do your job. Sometimes it might even seem they can do it better. BUT, that doesn't mean you are replaceable. No one else on this earth is exactly like you. There is absolutely no one else who is wired just like me (and I am pretty confident that's a very good thing)! Our roles shift, our jobs change, but at no point can anybody be us. We are irreplaceable. And that's how it should be.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Stop Spinning...
It's been a while since I have last written anything (besides menus and emails!), which isn't very surprising, considering life has been crazy! But, the craziness of life is not really what kept me from writing... It was what my boss calls my "lizard brain". My lizard brain has been working hard these last several months telling me what I have to say isn't anything anyone would want to hear. I have chosen at this moment to push aside the lizard brain and to share some moments with you.
The past couple months have been a struggle for this mom of 4 boys. Each boy has had their own specific needs, and some days it's rather difficult to give them each the attention they need. Patrick apparently had some trouble with a boy in his class. He didn't tell us until weeks later. Thankfully he had talked to his teacher about it.
Tyler has been showing new struggles with social tact and using a filter before speaking. We are desperately trying to teach him when to say his thoughts and when to keep them to himself. I know this is going to be a lifetime journey with him, as his biggest issue is the social stuff. Social cues are not something he pays much attention to.
Zachary just keeps surprising us with his wealth of knowledge. He might only be 3 (soon to be 4), but he talks as if he is much older. He can tell you all 50 states, can write, can read, and is beginning to do beginner math. As much as I am excited for how God will use his intelligence, I am fearful of what school will look like for him... Patrick was hard enough to keep challenged in Kindergarten, but Zach is way beyond where Patrick was. Not to mention, Zachary does not have Patrick's patience and "want to please" personality. Rather, Zachary is a mini-me. And a bored mini-me is NOT going to good for any teacher!
And then there's Ben... He has these awesome moments where I see so much progress. He is talking up a storm, playing much more appropriately, and becoming quite a great little monkey! I want to stay focused on the progress. I want to celebrate the milestones and the amazing things he can do. But the reality is that we still have a long way to go.
In addition to the boys, I have my husband, who deserves my attention. What he gets instead is a very tired, frustrated wife. He tries so hard to be patient with me... There are days I am not sure how he can even stand to be around me!
There's added life events, full time work, housework, sleep (sort of), and whatever else I might be forgetting. All of this has added up to one big stress ball. It had gotten so bad that I was having nightmares about trying to keep all of my plates spinning. In my dreams, I would rush around, desperately trying to keep these plates spinning, knowing if I let one fall, someone (if not a lot of people) would get hurt. I would wake up in a panic, soaked in sweat, frantic that I was forgetting something.
What I had to realize, and struggle to remind myself of daily, is that it's not my job to keep all those plates spinning. My focus should not be on the plates, but on God. My trust shouldn't be in my ability to keep the plates spinning, but in God. IF I am following what God wants me to be doing, IF I am trusting those placed in my life, and IF I let go of all the non-important stuff, those plates won't crash. AND, if they do for whatever reason fall, I have to know that it is NOT the end of the world. (Not an easy thing for me to accept.)
God wants us to stop frantically spinning our plates. He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to rely on those He has placed in our lives to help us. We must prioritize, leaving HIM above all else. It's not an easy thing, and I am in no way good at this. But, I am trying. For the sake of my family and for the sake of my sanity!
The past couple months have been a struggle for this mom of 4 boys. Each boy has had their own specific needs, and some days it's rather difficult to give them each the attention they need. Patrick apparently had some trouble with a boy in his class. He didn't tell us until weeks later. Thankfully he had talked to his teacher about it.
Tyler has been showing new struggles with social tact and using a filter before speaking. We are desperately trying to teach him when to say his thoughts and when to keep them to himself. I know this is going to be a lifetime journey with him, as his biggest issue is the social stuff. Social cues are not something he pays much attention to.
Zachary just keeps surprising us with his wealth of knowledge. He might only be 3 (soon to be 4), but he talks as if he is much older. He can tell you all 50 states, can write, can read, and is beginning to do beginner math. As much as I am excited for how God will use his intelligence, I am fearful of what school will look like for him... Patrick was hard enough to keep challenged in Kindergarten, but Zach is way beyond where Patrick was. Not to mention, Zachary does not have Patrick's patience and "want to please" personality. Rather, Zachary is a mini-me. And a bored mini-me is NOT going to good for any teacher!
And then there's Ben... He has these awesome moments where I see so much progress. He is talking up a storm, playing much more appropriately, and becoming quite a great little monkey! I want to stay focused on the progress. I want to celebrate the milestones and the amazing things he can do. But the reality is that we still have a long way to go.
In addition to the boys, I have my husband, who deserves my attention. What he gets instead is a very tired, frustrated wife. He tries so hard to be patient with me... There are days I am not sure how he can even stand to be around me!
There's added life events, full time work, housework, sleep (sort of), and whatever else I might be forgetting. All of this has added up to one big stress ball. It had gotten so bad that I was having nightmares about trying to keep all of my plates spinning. In my dreams, I would rush around, desperately trying to keep these plates spinning, knowing if I let one fall, someone (if not a lot of people) would get hurt. I would wake up in a panic, soaked in sweat, frantic that I was forgetting something.
What I had to realize, and struggle to remind myself of daily, is that it's not my job to keep all those plates spinning. My focus should not be on the plates, but on God. My trust shouldn't be in my ability to keep the plates spinning, but in God. IF I am following what God wants me to be doing, IF I am trusting those placed in my life, and IF I let go of all the non-important stuff, those plates won't crash. AND, if they do for whatever reason fall, I have to know that it is NOT the end of the world. (Not an easy thing for me to accept.)
God wants us to stop frantically spinning our plates. He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to rely on those He has placed in our lives to help us. We must prioritize, leaving HIM above all else. It's not an easy thing, and I am in no way good at this. But, I am trying. For the sake of my family and for the sake of my sanity!
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