If you can believe, the holiday season is upon us... Thanksgiving is only a week away, and Christmas is not that far behind. So much excitement, so much joy... And, so much stress. This time of year can bring SO MUCH STRESS! Between obligations and over-the-top shopping, baking, hosting and party hopping, we all seem to need a vacation after Christmas.
I, in the past, have been quite stressed during the holiday season. I LOVE to bake. Like, I could spend days in the kitchen baking and never get tired of it. SO, when this season rolls around, I have tons of excuses to bake, whether it's for a party or gifts for teachers or just because Christmas cookies are yummy! I also love to throw a good dinner party. You know, where cloth napkins and real dishes are used (yep, no plastic plates for company!). The spread of food covers our countertops and we're left with leftovers for days.
But the over-the-top baking and big dinner parties bring a whole lot of extra work and stress. And the joy I find in doing all of that doesn't always outweigh the stress that comes with it. I have found myself so wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of list writing and shopping that I have completely missed the joy.
So, this year, I am scaling back a bit. Things are going to be different. I will still get to bake and have dinners, but no more over-the-top... No more trying to match "Good Housekeeping" cover photos. No more trying to cram so much activity into such a small amount of time.
The past few months have been very difficult for me, both physically and emotionally. I feel exhausted and vulnerable, which is not exactly the best way to start out the holiday season... But, this year, I think it might just be a good thing. I am being forced into truly focusing on what's important. The baking, although I do love to do it, is NOT the important thing... Cramming events into an already tight schedule is not what I should be doing this year, even though it means missing out on time spent with family and friends. No, what I need to focus on is keeping this season SIMPLE.
What would SIMPLE look like to you? For me and for my family, simple looks like more nights curled up on the couch reading books and watching corny Christmas movies. Simple looks like four monkeys and a mama rolling Snickerdoodle cookie balls in metal pie plates coated with cinnamon sugar like I did with my dad when I was little. It looks like saying NO to things we have said yes to in the past.
What would SIMPLE feel like to you? To me, simple would feel like peace... No anxiety about the mounds of things to do (because there will less to do), but just a sense of calmness and connectedness.
I want to spend this season having the time and energy to feel God's love and grace. I want the time and energy to truly be grateful for the life that God has given me. I want to use the time and energy I have to connect with my boys and Kevin and family in a way that honors God. And, the only way I can do that is by scaling back and keeping things simple.
Things will look and feel different for the Schussler household this holiday season. And, I am beyond excited to truly enjoy this time of year. I am excited to see the impact it will have on my family. I am praying for many "sweet moments of peace" for me and for my family this year. And, I think it might just happen! I pray you all can find those moments as well. Because, from what I have heard, those moments are AMAZING!
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Change is a'comin...
CHANGE happens... OFTEN! And no, I don't mean quarters and dimes (however, that kind of change is nice). Our boys are constantly changing. Their baby features have all but disappeared. No more pudgy, squishy faces. Rather, my eight year old has a nice defined face, with young man features. Even Ben, our four year old, no longer looks like a toddler.
Their appetites change from week to week. Some weeks they eat like teenagers, where there is not enough food on the table to satisfy their growling stomachs. Other weeks, they eat like birds, and act as if they dislike everything (except for goodies. They seem to always like them).
Seasons change. Our bodies change (for the good or bad). I change the way our rooms look, moving furniture around for something different. TV shows change, as well as our preferences on what TV shows we should watch. And, in our house, our preferences change around the 4th season of a show.
There are countless changes throughout daily life that we take in stride. I love the kind of changes that keep me from getting bored. I embrace many changes as a fun adventure. But then there are those changes that send my world into a temporary upheaval. Those are the changes that somehow sideswipe me every time. It may be a control thing. Typically the changes that send me into a tizzy are the changes I can't really control. I have no say about how they are going to happen, when they are going to happen. Rather, they're dropped in my lap and I am left with 2 options... Option 1: Panic. Option 2: Trust.
When faced a couple weeks ago with a significant change that would be rolling out over a few weeks, I found myself panicking. I mean, I was totally freaking out. I sobbed for days. I couldn't see past what I was feeling at that very moment. And I can tell you that what I was feeling at that moment was as far away from trust as could be. The change that was coming seemed almost catastrophic to me, until I decided to stop panicking. I made the decision to go with Option B.
I needed to pull myself together and TRUST God. I needed to trust the people God has placed in my life to help me process the change. I needed to trust that God's plan was better than mine (ever notice this is a continuous battle for me?).
So, I began to look at the change differently. My perspective needed to change from "it's the end of the world" to "it's a new adventure". Although I am still sad about some of the changes that will be happening, I am now also able to see some of the amazing things that will come with the changes. I can now see that it's going to allow for new and different type relationships. It's going to allow for me to truly be the person God has called me to be.
I am always amazed at how shocked I am when big changes happen. You would think that I would be used to them. I mean, for the almost 10 years Kevin and I have been married, change has been around every corner. What also shocks me is how often I lose sight of how God has everything planned out and I don't need to worry about any of it.
We can't avoid changes. They happen. Often. What we CAN do is remember to keep our focus on Him. To change our "end of the world" perspective when necessary and see the amazing adventure that we are embarking on. Change helps us. It makes us trust Him. It helps us to grow and mature.
As much as I dislike surprise changes, I need to remember that there is no avoiding them. What I can do is not give myself 2 options... Rather, I can just TRUST from the get-go. It would certainly save me a lot of time and energy!
Their appetites change from week to week. Some weeks they eat like teenagers, where there is not enough food on the table to satisfy their growling stomachs. Other weeks, they eat like birds, and act as if they dislike everything (except for goodies. They seem to always like them).
Seasons change. Our bodies change (for the good or bad). I change the way our rooms look, moving furniture around for something different. TV shows change, as well as our preferences on what TV shows we should watch. And, in our house, our preferences change around the 4th season of a show.
There are countless changes throughout daily life that we take in stride. I love the kind of changes that keep me from getting bored. I embrace many changes as a fun adventure. But then there are those changes that send my world into a temporary upheaval. Those are the changes that somehow sideswipe me every time. It may be a control thing. Typically the changes that send me into a tizzy are the changes I can't really control. I have no say about how they are going to happen, when they are going to happen. Rather, they're dropped in my lap and I am left with 2 options... Option 1: Panic. Option 2: Trust.
When faced a couple weeks ago with a significant change that would be rolling out over a few weeks, I found myself panicking. I mean, I was totally freaking out. I sobbed for days. I couldn't see past what I was feeling at that very moment. And I can tell you that what I was feeling at that moment was as far away from trust as could be. The change that was coming seemed almost catastrophic to me, until I decided to stop panicking. I made the decision to go with Option B.
I needed to pull myself together and TRUST God. I needed to trust the people God has placed in my life to help me process the change. I needed to trust that God's plan was better than mine (ever notice this is a continuous battle for me?).
So, I began to look at the change differently. My perspective needed to change from "it's the end of the world" to "it's a new adventure". Although I am still sad about some of the changes that will be happening, I am now also able to see some of the amazing things that will come with the changes. I can now see that it's going to allow for new and different type relationships. It's going to allow for me to truly be the person God has called me to be.
I am always amazed at how shocked I am when big changes happen. You would think that I would be used to them. I mean, for the almost 10 years Kevin and I have been married, change has been around every corner. What also shocks me is how often I lose sight of how God has everything planned out and I don't need to worry about any of it.
We can't avoid changes. They happen. Often. What we CAN do is remember to keep our focus on Him. To change our "end of the world" perspective when necessary and see the amazing adventure that we are embarking on. Change helps us. It makes us trust Him. It helps us to grow and mature.
As much as I dislike surprise changes, I need to remember that there is no avoiding them. What I can do is not give myself 2 options... Rather, I can just TRUST from the get-go. It would certainly save me a lot of time and energy!
Thursday, October 2, 2014
I Am Equipped
After the last week or so, I have come to a place of being utterly exhausted, both emotionally and physically. There is not a whole lot left to give... And so, I sit here writing during my quiet time (yay, Thursday mornings!) realizing at this very moment I don't have to give. I don't have to have any answers, plan any events, help any children. Rather, I can just be. I can be tired and worn out. I can be confused and unsure. And, with each sentence, I can find my way back to feeling at peace again, even if it is for a short amount of time.
As this week unfolded, there were no moments of peace. Only moments of overwhelming emotions, doubt, and a whole bucket-load of crankiness. Although some work things were crazy, and we had to put our 2 1/2 year old cat down, and the boys had a lot going on, and tons of other things happening, the crankiness and overwhelming emotions came from somewhere so much deeper. While talking with a friend, I came to realize that although things were extra stressful this week, it wasn't the stress that was exhausting me... It was the internal dialogue stuck on repeat telling me that I am not equipped to do all that was in front of me. It was the ugly voice reminding me that I have no idea what I am doing. The lizard brain constantly whispering that I am not enough: not enough for my family, for my job, and especially for the dreams/aspirations I have. The more tired I became, the less I could argue with the lizard brain. The less I could fight off the constant beat down.
I doubt myself often. I doubt that I can make an impact. I doubt my abilities in most things I do. I have come a long way from the crippling level of doubt I once had. But, it's still there... And the more tired I become, or the more focused I become on moving forward with goals and dreams, the more I am pushed into new experiences, the more the doubt creeps in. Slowly but surely, it leaves me feeling ill-equipped, inadequate. And this week, my doubt took a hold of me.
As I sat with my friend yesterday, she asked me to take a moment to just be. To just spend some time listening to the only voice that truly matters... To listen to what God has been wanting me to hear. And so I did... I sat in silence (which is never a comfortable place for me to be) and I listened. I pushed the ugly stuff aside and just waited on Him. What He pressed on my heart was a promise I needed to hear:
Trust ME. I've got this. You have everything you need. I have equipped you. Be YOU. You're ENOUGH.
I didn't hear His voice, but I felt His presence. And I knew it was true. I am equipped. I am enough. I can handle everything that needs to be handled, but more importantly, I have what I need to go forward with the bigger things. I don't have to have all the answers, as the answers I need to have will come. Who I am right now is who I need to be for this moment. Growth will continue to come, and as new things arrive, God will provide me with the right tools (or at least the right people to fill in the gaps).
I believe God has equipped me for the things He has laid out for me. I believe that even with the things I have never done before that I have what I need. I know there will be moments where I doubt, because I am human, but I will not sit in it long. There are too many amazing things coming to be stuck too long in my doubt. There's a book to be written, a wonderful ministry to pour into and share, 4 amazing boys to raise, and a daily life to live my husband. There's no time to be stuck in the terrible state of doubt.
Each one of us were made with God's plans in mind. He has crafted us in unique ways, and gives us talents and abilities to be used for HIS good. He didn't create us so that we would fail. He created us so that we could succeed. He gives us what we need so that we can grow in Him. He equips us, supports us, loves us so that we can live our lives for Him. We are all equipped for what stands in front of us. Even if we don't have the "right" words, the "right" tools, we DO have Him.
As this week unfolded, there were no moments of peace. Only moments of overwhelming emotions, doubt, and a whole bucket-load of crankiness. Although some work things were crazy, and we had to put our 2 1/2 year old cat down, and the boys had a lot going on, and tons of other things happening, the crankiness and overwhelming emotions came from somewhere so much deeper. While talking with a friend, I came to realize that although things were extra stressful this week, it wasn't the stress that was exhausting me... It was the internal dialogue stuck on repeat telling me that I am not equipped to do all that was in front of me. It was the ugly voice reminding me that I have no idea what I am doing. The lizard brain constantly whispering that I am not enough: not enough for my family, for my job, and especially for the dreams/aspirations I have. The more tired I became, the less I could argue with the lizard brain. The less I could fight off the constant beat down.
I doubt myself often. I doubt that I can make an impact. I doubt my abilities in most things I do. I have come a long way from the crippling level of doubt I once had. But, it's still there... And the more tired I become, or the more focused I become on moving forward with goals and dreams, the more I am pushed into new experiences, the more the doubt creeps in. Slowly but surely, it leaves me feeling ill-equipped, inadequate. And this week, my doubt took a hold of me.
As I sat with my friend yesterday, she asked me to take a moment to just be. To just spend some time listening to the only voice that truly matters... To listen to what God has been wanting me to hear. And so I did... I sat in silence (which is never a comfortable place for me to be) and I listened. I pushed the ugly stuff aside and just waited on Him. What He pressed on my heart was a promise I needed to hear:
Trust ME. I've got this. You have everything you need. I have equipped you. Be YOU. You're ENOUGH.
I didn't hear His voice, but I felt His presence. And I knew it was true. I am equipped. I am enough. I can handle everything that needs to be handled, but more importantly, I have what I need to go forward with the bigger things. I don't have to have all the answers, as the answers I need to have will come. Who I am right now is who I need to be for this moment. Growth will continue to come, and as new things arrive, God will provide me with the right tools (or at least the right people to fill in the gaps).
I believe God has equipped me for the things He has laid out for me. I believe that even with the things I have never done before that I have what I need. I know there will be moments where I doubt, because I am human, but I will not sit in it long. There are too many amazing things coming to be stuck too long in my doubt. There's a book to be written, a wonderful ministry to pour into and share, 4 amazing boys to raise, and a daily life to live my husband. There's no time to be stuck in the terrible state of doubt.
Each one of us were made with God's plans in mind. He has crafted us in unique ways, and gives us talents and abilities to be used for HIS good. He didn't create us so that we would fail. He created us so that we could succeed. He gives us what we need so that we can grow in Him. He equips us, supports us, loves us so that we can live our lives for Him. We are all equipped for what stands in front of us. Even if we don't have the "right" words, the "right" tools, we DO have Him.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
The Right Questions (for me) to Ask
There has been a lot of things going on in my life right now. Some things have been amazing (like Kevin following his dream, the boys starting school, work things). Some things have been overwhelming (like Kevin following his dream, the boys starting school, work things). Although there have been great things happening, overall, I have been left feeling like I am drowning in a sea of chaos and disappointment. The wonderful glimpses of God's blessings seem to be fewer and fewer (not because they aren't there, but because I just can't see them). It's gotten me thinking about what I am doing wrong... What am I doing to contribute to this?
Life is crazy. It always has been, and probably always will be. Some craziness I create myself. My need to control EVERYTHING plays a crucial part in the craziness. But right now, there is a lot happening that I did not create... The stresses of raising children can be extreme. Raising 4 boys can be intense. Raising 2 boys with special needs can be extremely intense. And just when you think you have it somewhat figured out, everything changes. Just when you think you are gaining ground, you watch one of them regress and you have no idea of how far back he's gonna go.
There's other home stuff, husband stuff, financial stuff (which is playing a very large role in the stress department), and health stuff... Everything has come together to create a "perfect storm", leading me to feel as if I am drowning. Too many things need my attention, and I honestly just don't have the energy to focus on anything. I find myself asking God "why?", and never really getting an answer. I ask "What are you thinking?", which typically involves a tone filled with sarcastic attitude (which doesn't ever seem to go over well with God). These questions get me absolutely nowhere. "Why's" may never be answered. "What's" with attitude and sarcasm (and a good bit of anger) serve no purpose.
SO, I am learning that I need to ask different questions. What would it look like if I changed my "why's" to "Where are You leading me"? What would happen if "What are you thinking?" changed to "How can I be more in tune with Your plan?"
Shifting my questions is not just about the wording... It's about my heart. The intention behind my questions is just as important as the words I use. My snippy, attitude filled questions are ALL about ME. MY pain, MY frustrations, what I want. My intentions are to make myself feel better or to understand why I am going through what I am. At no point are my questions truly intended to seek out God's will or to really grow in Him.
But, when I shift the intentions of my heart, when I desire to connect with God and want to know HIS will, my questions change. I find my questions are way more focused on Him...
"Where are you leading me?"
"Who is truly in control?"
"What can I do to connect more with You?"
"How are you using this to help me grow?"
I am learning to avoid asking "why" at all. It doesn't really get me anywhere, ever. I'd rather spend my time asking questions that will get me closer to Him. Closer to His will, His plans for me. Because, the closer I am to Him and the more intentional I am about following His plans, the less overwhelming life seems to feel. When I ask questions with the intention of growing (and not with the intention of just throwing a hissy fit), everything feels so much more manageable.
Don't get me wrong, changing my questions don't magically change my life circumstances. I still have 4 boys (all with their own needs), a husband, a house, a job, health issues, and all the junk that comes with life. But when my intentions on how to focus on the chaos and the challenges shift from a "why me" mentality to a "how are You leading me" mentality, the overwhelming sense of pressure and isolation minimize. No longer do I feel alone. No longer do I feel I have to figure everything out by myself.
There may never be answers to all of my questions. I might be left with a very long list of questions for Jesus the day I meet him in Heaven. And, I have to be okay with that. But here on earth, as I struggle through daily life, I want to try to ask the questions that get me closer to Him. And maybe spend less time throwing hissy fits and asking "why, why, why" while stomping my feet.
Life is crazy. It always has been, and probably always will be. Some craziness I create myself. My need to control EVERYTHING plays a crucial part in the craziness. But right now, there is a lot happening that I did not create... The stresses of raising children can be extreme. Raising 4 boys can be intense. Raising 2 boys with special needs can be extremely intense. And just when you think you have it somewhat figured out, everything changes. Just when you think you are gaining ground, you watch one of them regress and you have no idea of how far back he's gonna go.
There's other home stuff, husband stuff, financial stuff (which is playing a very large role in the stress department), and health stuff... Everything has come together to create a "perfect storm", leading me to feel as if I am drowning. Too many things need my attention, and I honestly just don't have the energy to focus on anything. I find myself asking God "why?", and never really getting an answer. I ask "What are you thinking?", which typically involves a tone filled with sarcastic attitude (which doesn't ever seem to go over well with God). These questions get me absolutely nowhere. "Why's" may never be answered. "What's" with attitude and sarcasm (and a good bit of anger) serve no purpose.
SO, I am learning that I need to ask different questions. What would it look like if I changed my "why's" to "Where are You leading me"? What would happen if "What are you thinking?" changed to "How can I be more in tune with Your plan?"
Shifting my questions is not just about the wording... It's about my heart. The intention behind my questions is just as important as the words I use. My snippy, attitude filled questions are ALL about ME. MY pain, MY frustrations, what I want. My intentions are to make myself feel better or to understand why I am going through what I am. At no point are my questions truly intended to seek out God's will or to really grow in Him.
But, when I shift the intentions of my heart, when I desire to connect with God and want to know HIS will, my questions change. I find my questions are way more focused on Him...
"Where are you leading me?"
"Who is truly in control?"
"What can I do to connect more with You?"
"How are you using this to help me grow?"
I am learning to avoid asking "why" at all. It doesn't really get me anywhere, ever. I'd rather spend my time asking questions that will get me closer to Him. Closer to His will, His plans for me. Because, the closer I am to Him and the more intentional I am about following His plans, the less overwhelming life seems to feel. When I ask questions with the intention of growing (and not with the intention of just throwing a hissy fit), everything feels so much more manageable.
Don't get me wrong, changing my questions don't magically change my life circumstances. I still have 4 boys (all with their own needs), a husband, a house, a job, health issues, and all the junk that comes with life. But when my intentions on how to focus on the chaos and the challenges shift from a "why me" mentality to a "how are You leading me" mentality, the overwhelming sense of pressure and isolation minimize. No longer do I feel alone. No longer do I feel I have to figure everything out by myself.
There may never be answers to all of my questions. I might be left with a very long list of questions for Jesus the day I meet him in Heaven. And, I have to be okay with that. But here on earth, as I struggle through daily life, I want to try to ask the questions that get me closer to Him. And maybe spend less time throwing hissy fits and asking "why, why, why" while stomping my feet.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
It's Complicated (or so I thought)
This week has been a hard, emotional week, filled with joys and sorrows, and everything in between. I have been up and down, and I think sometimes even sideways... I have laughed and cried and yelled and sat numb, unsure of what I was feeling. Everything felt complicated... The more I thought about things, the more complicated it seemed. But, as I stopped thinking and starting just feeling, things have begun to feel more clear...
On Friday night, my Nanny (my mom's mom) passed away. She was in her 90's, and had been ill for quite a while. She had been given days to live 3 weeks ago, and so we knew her time on earth was coming to an end. All the details had already been worked out, and hospice had been wonderful in keeping her comfortable.
I thought I knew how I would handle her death. I thought I was prepared for the emotions. I've helped support people in the grieving process. I thought knowing the stages of grief would be helpful for me.
Boy was I wrong... The more I thought about the process and the emotions I was feeling, the more confused I became. I would explain things as being complicated. And, in a way, things are complicated... The relationship with my Nanny was different and strained. Her stubborn ways left no room for God in her life. There are no warm and fuzzy memories of our time together. She didn't leave a beautiful legacy of a Godly life for us to follow...
Mourning her loss has been filled with emotions I wasn't expecting. Anger at her and the way she chose to live was the first emotion that overwhelmed me. Then guilt for being angry. And guilt for not trying harder to tell her about Jesus. Then more anger for how there were no warm fuzzy memories. Then sadness over her being gone, which quickly turned into me thinking about why I would be so sad over someone I wasn't really close to. It has been a non-stop whirlwind of emotions and rather than just sitting in those emotions, I analyzed the emotions. I would try to explain away the emotions. But, I am learning it's much easier to just feel whatever I feel no matter what.
I am finding that things aren't as complicated as I perceived them to be... I am mourning the loss of a woman I have loved my entire life. How she lived her life, when she chose to be stubborn, warm fuzzy feelings or not... That all doesn't matter... I still loved her. Our relationship wasn't like other grandmothers and granddaughters, but it was OUR relationship. She was still my grandmother.
She lived a full life, had two beautiful daughters, 5 grandchildren, and 4 great-grandchildren. She loved her family in her own way. She was created by God, even if she never followed Him. She was special to God, and I pray that in her last moments she saw Him and clung to Him.
I loved her. She was my grandmother. And I am giving myself permission to mourn her. No thinking, no analyzing, just feeling. Just sitting with God, my emotions and the peace that can only come from God. I will celebrate the creation God had made in Nanny. I will NOT lose sight of the fact that she is a life to celebrate, no matter what the past held.
On Friday night, my Nanny (my mom's mom) passed away. She was in her 90's, and had been ill for quite a while. She had been given days to live 3 weeks ago, and so we knew her time on earth was coming to an end. All the details had already been worked out, and hospice had been wonderful in keeping her comfortable.
I thought I knew how I would handle her death. I thought I was prepared for the emotions. I've helped support people in the grieving process. I thought knowing the stages of grief would be helpful for me.
Boy was I wrong... The more I thought about the process and the emotions I was feeling, the more confused I became. I would explain things as being complicated. And, in a way, things are complicated... The relationship with my Nanny was different and strained. Her stubborn ways left no room for God in her life. There are no warm and fuzzy memories of our time together. She didn't leave a beautiful legacy of a Godly life for us to follow...
Mourning her loss has been filled with emotions I wasn't expecting. Anger at her and the way she chose to live was the first emotion that overwhelmed me. Then guilt for being angry. And guilt for not trying harder to tell her about Jesus. Then more anger for how there were no warm fuzzy memories. Then sadness over her being gone, which quickly turned into me thinking about why I would be so sad over someone I wasn't really close to. It has been a non-stop whirlwind of emotions and rather than just sitting in those emotions, I analyzed the emotions. I would try to explain away the emotions. But, I am learning it's much easier to just feel whatever I feel no matter what.
I am finding that things aren't as complicated as I perceived them to be... I am mourning the loss of a woman I have loved my entire life. How she lived her life, when she chose to be stubborn, warm fuzzy feelings or not... That all doesn't matter... I still loved her. Our relationship wasn't like other grandmothers and granddaughters, but it was OUR relationship. She was still my grandmother.
She lived a full life, had two beautiful daughters, 5 grandchildren, and 4 great-grandchildren. She loved her family in her own way. She was created by God, even if she never followed Him. She was special to God, and I pray that in her last moments she saw Him and clung to Him.
I loved her. She was my grandmother. And I am giving myself permission to mourn her. No thinking, no analyzing, just feeling. Just sitting with God, my emotions and the peace that can only come from God. I will celebrate the creation God had made in Nanny. I will NOT lose sight of the fact that she is a life to celebrate, no matter what the past held.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
A Tough Thing to Do...
When my husband and I became parents, we had no idea what was in store for us. We had no handbook, no guide for each child. We approached each day with as much knowledge as any other new parent has (which most days felt like not enough). When we started seeing things in Tyler that didn't feel right (and then later in Benjamin), we weren't sure what we were seeing. Again, there was no handbook to say "if your child's behavior or development makes you go hmm..., please see page 99." At first we thought Tyler would catch up, since all the child development books gave windows of development. Surely he would fall within those windows. When he didn't catch up on the most basic skills, we knew something was up. And we were blessed to have experience and knowledge in the world of Autism to know what we were facing. We took the next steps, got Tyler (and later Benjamin) into early intervention, and the rest is history.
But what about the families who don't have the knowledge and experience to know that the things they see might not be "normal"? What about the families who see things that make them go hmm... but don't know they can do something about it? How can we help them? How do we empower them to start that journey?
There tends to be a lot of hesitation in approaching families with concerns about their child, particularly concerns about a child's development. We don't want to offend them. We certainly don't want to hurt them. But the things we see leave a nagging feeling in our gut and we can feel like we are doing them a disservice if we don't say anything. It becomes a constant conversation (even a debate) within our heads. Should we say something? Should we keep our mouths shut?
There are ways to approach this topic with friends and family, but no matter what you want to say, or need to say, it needs to be done with a heart of love and understanding. Before you even consider bringing up concerns, know your intentions. WHY do you want to tell them? Do you plan on supporting them through the journey should something actually be wrong? Do you want to be a right-fighter, where what's important is that YOU caught it? Are you prepared to love them and support them even if they choose not to see what you see?
Your intentions are crucial in approaching such a hard topic for parents. No parents want to hear that something could be wrong with their child. No parents want to believe that their child is not like every other child. If your intentions are anything other than fully focused on loving and supporting this family, then my suggestion is to keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself, because anything you have to say will not be taken well.
Even when your intentions are in the right place, it is still a hard conversation to have. Approach the topic with what you SEE, never with what you THINK. What you think is irrelevant. Staying focused on what you see, such as unusual behaviors or sensitivities to certain things, keeps any judgment out of the conversation.
Expressing what you see is important, but the next step is most important because it will guide the rest of your conversation. The next step is to ask if the parents have seen what you are seeing. Have they noticed the same thing that you have? Are they concerned about it? THEIR ANSWERS ARE WHAT WILL DIRECT YOUR CONVERSATION. A parent who shuts down and says he or she doesn’t see it or doesn’t think it's a problem is a parent who you need to end that specific conversation with. There's no need to push the topic anymore. (Remember how I said your intentions are important? This is NOT the time to be a right-fighter. This is the time to love and support the parents in their decision to not further the conversation.)
Now, if the parents start talking about what they see, their concerns, etc., it's a perfect opportunity to then start asking more questions. You can ask them about whether or not they have talked to a doctor about it and encourage them to talk to their doctor if they have not done so. Continue to ask them questions that empower them as parents. Ask them how they feel about what they are seeing and thinking. Leave out any "you should's," "you ought to's," and "I think's."
You may run into parents who see what you see, have approached their doctor about it, and have been told to "wait and see." THIS IS NOT AN OPPORTUNITY TO BASH THE DOCTOR! Talking badly about the doctor and his or her advice is not going to help the parent. When Tyler was significantly delayed, our doctor said to "wait and see if he makes progress," not because he was a bad doctor (we like him a great deal!), but because that was what he thought was the next step.
Rather than ganging up on the doctor, empower the parents to make their own decision. You can ask if they agree with the doctor. If they do agree, then leave it be. (Again, this is NOT about right-fighting. It's about supporting the family.) If they do not agree, but feel they have no other choice but to follow the doctor's advice, help them to know that they are the parents, and that they can pursue their concerns. They can say they would rather pursue things NOW, as opposed to later.
Whatever the parents decide, whatever path they choose, whether they see it or don't, your role is to love and support them. Your place is to be behind them no matter what. Be there to hold their hands as they think and pray about next steps. Be their cheerleader. Be their friend and confidant. JUST BE THERE. (Even if you’re not in agreement with each other!)
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Burps and Farts and Other Silly Things
I just experienced a very typical dinner in our house. I made a meal knowing that most of the boys wouldn't LOVE it. Frankly, I knew most of them wouldn't even LIKE it. It's not unusual for them to not like dinner... Unless it's chicken nuggets, pizza, pancakes, or pizza casserole, at least 50% of the boys won't like it.
So, with a meal they don't care for comes the disgusted faces, side comments, and let's not forget the shivers with each required bite. There's attempts of negotiation, like "I will eat 3 extra bites of noodles if I don't have to eat the chicken". And of course, there's always the outright refusal to eat ANYTHING (and yes, that typically comes from Zachary). Apparently, the threat of NOT eating food somehow should affect me... I'm not the one who's going to be hungry... I ate my required bites!
In amongst the craziness of teaching the boys to eat, even when they aren't thrilled with their choices, and teaching them to use table manners (including using a fork every so often), there are events that can only be described as "boys will be boys". And when I say boys, I am not only referring to the ones ages 8 and under, but to the 6'4" "boy" sitting at the head of the table...
Within only 5 minutes of sitting down, the silliness begins. It typically begins with Kevin or me trying to talk about our day. The moment one of us opens our mouth, everyone else has something to share. Not because they actually have something to say... Just because they think they should be talking, too. And so, they make up random things to say, ask absurd questions, and when all else fails, they let out a good burp. (For those of you not living life with boys, the rest of this may shock and possibly disturb you!)
So there we are, 5 minutes into dinner, and the first burp is let out... Then the second, the third, and giggles ensue. Once the giggles start, farting always follows. ALWAYS! Apparently you cannot giggle or laugh without passing gas when you're a boy. And this leads to full out belly laughs. It also leads to me trying to reign in the silliness and attempting to have a somewhat civilized meal. (In case you were wondering, I don't typically win... In fact, I typically give up and just sit back and wait.)
In amongst the silliness and craziness, there are these moments of pure joy for me. NO, I do not enjoy being surrounded by burping, farting, and potty talk. BUT, I love to watch my boys interact. I love to watch them laugh and enjoy life. YES, they need to learn about being polite and civilized... And for the most part, outside of our house and when we have visitors, they are very polite and civilized. But in the comfort of their own home, around their kitchen table, they laugh, and enjoy, and stink up the entire room. I want that for them. I want them to remember as adults the silly times at the dinner table. Because those are moments spent as a family. They will not remember what they ate for dinner (however I believe some of their most disliked dinners will be remembered. I still clearly remember my mom's 7-layer casserole, and won't eat it to this day).
What I will remember will be the way Patrick tries to be grown up and keep a serious face, but crumbles at the first fart. I will remember Tyler's silly jokes that make no sense, but makes him giggle anyway. There's Zachary's attempt at sophisticated humor, which always ends with potty humor. And I will never forget the sound of Benjamin's infectious giggle. These moments will be held closely to my heart because some day, our dinner table will only have Kevin and me sitting at it (and I hope Kevin won't continue the tradition once the boys move out).
I am learning to sit back and enjoy these moments. I am learning to trust the parenting Kevin and I have done so far, and to let the boys just BE. Sure, we still have some lines they are not allowed to cross. We still have boundaries and consequences for crossing those boundaries. But, we are now able to let them enjoy dinner (as well as other things) THEIR way. As gross as it might be, it's pretty amazing too.
There will come a day when there will be no more burping and farting and other silly things at my dinner table. Although currently I crave a quiet dinner, I know I will miss it. But for now, I want to enjoy these moments. As a mom of 4 boys, if I want to spend time with them and enjoy them, I have to embrace even the grossest moments. Because, quiet, peaceful, civilized moments do not exist... At all... EVER! And that is okay with me!
So, with a meal they don't care for comes the disgusted faces, side comments, and let's not forget the shivers with each required bite. There's attempts of negotiation, like "I will eat 3 extra bites of noodles if I don't have to eat the chicken". And of course, there's always the outright refusal to eat ANYTHING (and yes, that typically comes from Zachary). Apparently, the threat of NOT eating food somehow should affect me... I'm not the one who's going to be hungry... I ate my required bites!
In amongst the craziness of teaching the boys to eat, even when they aren't thrilled with their choices, and teaching them to use table manners (including using a fork every so often), there are events that can only be described as "boys will be boys". And when I say boys, I am not only referring to the ones ages 8 and under, but to the 6'4" "boy" sitting at the head of the table...
Within only 5 minutes of sitting down, the silliness begins. It typically begins with Kevin or me trying to talk about our day. The moment one of us opens our mouth, everyone else has something to share. Not because they actually have something to say... Just because they think they should be talking, too. And so, they make up random things to say, ask absurd questions, and when all else fails, they let out a good burp. (For those of you not living life with boys, the rest of this may shock and possibly disturb you!)
So there we are, 5 minutes into dinner, and the first burp is let out... Then the second, the third, and giggles ensue. Once the giggles start, farting always follows. ALWAYS! Apparently you cannot giggle or laugh without passing gas when you're a boy. And this leads to full out belly laughs. It also leads to me trying to reign in the silliness and attempting to have a somewhat civilized meal. (In case you were wondering, I don't typically win... In fact, I typically give up and just sit back and wait.)
In amongst the silliness and craziness, there are these moments of pure joy for me. NO, I do not enjoy being surrounded by burping, farting, and potty talk. BUT, I love to watch my boys interact. I love to watch them laugh and enjoy life. YES, they need to learn about being polite and civilized... And for the most part, outside of our house and when we have visitors, they are very polite and civilized. But in the comfort of their own home, around their kitchen table, they laugh, and enjoy, and stink up the entire room. I want that for them. I want them to remember as adults the silly times at the dinner table. Because those are moments spent as a family. They will not remember what they ate for dinner (however I believe some of their most disliked dinners will be remembered. I still clearly remember my mom's 7-layer casserole, and won't eat it to this day).
What I will remember will be the way Patrick tries to be grown up and keep a serious face, but crumbles at the first fart. I will remember Tyler's silly jokes that make no sense, but makes him giggle anyway. There's Zachary's attempt at sophisticated humor, which always ends with potty humor. And I will never forget the sound of Benjamin's infectious giggle. These moments will be held closely to my heart because some day, our dinner table will only have Kevin and me sitting at it (and I hope Kevin won't continue the tradition once the boys move out).
I am learning to sit back and enjoy these moments. I am learning to trust the parenting Kevin and I have done so far, and to let the boys just BE. Sure, we still have some lines they are not allowed to cross. We still have boundaries and consequences for crossing those boundaries. But, we are now able to let them enjoy dinner (as well as other things) THEIR way. As gross as it might be, it's pretty amazing too.
There will come a day when there will be no more burping and farting and other silly things at my dinner table. Although currently I crave a quiet dinner, I know I will miss it. But for now, I want to enjoy these moments. As a mom of 4 boys, if I want to spend time with them and enjoy them, I have to embrace even the grossest moments. Because, quiet, peaceful, civilized moments do not exist... At all... EVER! And that is okay with me!
Monday, July 21, 2014
Sweet Moments with God...
In my lifetime, I have written hundreds of stories, essays, reports, poems, blog posts, and random projects for work. I have written fiction, non-fiction... Fun and creative things... And let's not forget the oh so boring analysis on books I will never read again. Some of the things I wrote were good, some not so much. Millions of words have been spilled out on paper, computer screens, chalkboards, sand, and even dirty cars. But one thing in common with everything I ever wrote, or will write, is that I love writing them. I LOVE to write.
I don't know if I can say that God has necessarily given me a gift of writing, but he certainly has given me a desire to write. And, I believe that desire is God's way of drawing me close to him. The time spent writing is probably the best time spent with God. And I am not just talking about when I am writing on my blog or something fun like a creative story. I am talking about any kind of writing... Even the strategic plan I wrote for our Special Needs ministry.
It's not work for me... But, it's not effortless either. The effort put in to anything I write is big. I spend time thinking about the "right" way to say things. Not because I am afraid of being wrong, but because I want to be sure that those reading hear what is truly being said. Even little notes I write (like the silly notes I write from the poor lonely caramel cream's point of view to my boss reminding her the caramels are almost gone) are never random thoughts... They are thoughts carefully written out to express what I am feeling, what I am thinking.
As I have gotten older, I have learned to appreciate this time of writing. Partly because I rarely get the quiet time (4 boys will do that). But more so because as I have gotten older, I hear God much more in my writing. What used to be about the product (a good post or story or report) is now focused on the process. It's more about what God wants to say through me...
The connection I find with Him during the process of writing is indescribable. There are moments when I write when I can feel Him in me, almost like He's the one typing. I find myself having a conversation with Him as I think about the next sentence or paragraph. There are moments when I realize that what I started writing about shifts, and suddenly has taken on a whole different path. (This post is definitely one of those moments.)
In THIS moment, as I write, there is a calmness in me that can only be from Him. I do not feel this any other time. Not when I listen to music, or worship in church, or pray, or read... THIS is my connection to Him. He gave me the ability to write, the ability to put thoughts and feelings onto paper that I cannot get out verbally. He didn't give me this ability with the intention of me being a famous author or blogger... He gave me the ability and desire to write so that He and I can be intimately connected. So that He can be with me and only me.
What makes writing even better is that I have the ability to share what I have learned through Him with you all. The honest posts I write are to tell a story... But not just MY story... It's the story of any mom of Special Needs children. It's the story of any mom just trying to make the best of each day. It's the story of any woman trying to find herself in the chaos of life. And, really, it's the story of any Christian trying to maneuver life here on earth.
And most importantly, the things I have posted and will post tell HIS story. They tell of all the things HE has placed on my heart to talk about. They tell of HIS grace, HIS love, HIS patience... There is nothing I have gone through in life that He wasn't there for. There's not a precious moment with my children, or a battle that has been fought that He was not with me for. And so, as our senior pastor talked about this past week, MY story that I write is just a small part of HIS story.
I write because He created me to do so. I write because my heart overflows with His love. I write because there is nothing better than sitting with Him, conversing with Him. He wired me in a way that has made writing our special time. Whether I am a great writer or a so-so writer is not important to me (although it would be nice to be great)... I will write for as long as my body allows because there is no better moment than when I am writing. No other moment feels like this...
I don't know if I can say that God has necessarily given me a gift of writing, but he certainly has given me a desire to write. And, I believe that desire is God's way of drawing me close to him. The time spent writing is probably the best time spent with God. And I am not just talking about when I am writing on my blog or something fun like a creative story. I am talking about any kind of writing... Even the strategic plan I wrote for our Special Needs ministry.
It's not work for me... But, it's not effortless either. The effort put in to anything I write is big. I spend time thinking about the "right" way to say things. Not because I am afraid of being wrong, but because I want to be sure that those reading hear what is truly being said. Even little notes I write (like the silly notes I write from the poor lonely caramel cream's point of view to my boss reminding her the caramels are almost gone) are never random thoughts... They are thoughts carefully written out to express what I am feeling, what I am thinking.
As I have gotten older, I have learned to appreciate this time of writing. Partly because I rarely get the quiet time (4 boys will do that). But more so because as I have gotten older, I hear God much more in my writing. What used to be about the product (a good post or story or report) is now focused on the process. It's more about what God wants to say through me...
The connection I find with Him during the process of writing is indescribable. There are moments when I write when I can feel Him in me, almost like He's the one typing. I find myself having a conversation with Him as I think about the next sentence or paragraph. There are moments when I realize that what I started writing about shifts, and suddenly has taken on a whole different path. (This post is definitely one of those moments.)
In THIS moment, as I write, there is a calmness in me that can only be from Him. I do not feel this any other time. Not when I listen to music, or worship in church, or pray, or read... THIS is my connection to Him. He gave me the ability to write, the ability to put thoughts and feelings onto paper that I cannot get out verbally. He didn't give me this ability with the intention of me being a famous author or blogger... He gave me the ability and desire to write so that He and I can be intimately connected. So that He can be with me and only me.
What makes writing even better is that I have the ability to share what I have learned through Him with you all. The honest posts I write are to tell a story... But not just MY story... It's the story of any mom of Special Needs children. It's the story of any mom just trying to make the best of each day. It's the story of any woman trying to find herself in the chaos of life. And, really, it's the story of any Christian trying to maneuver life here on earth.
And most importantly, the things I have posted and will post tell HIS story. They tell of all the things HE has placed on my heart to talk about. They tell of HIS grace, HIS love, HIS patience... There is nothing I have gone through in life that He wasn't there for. There's not a precious moment with my children, or a battle that has been fought that He was not with me for. And so, as our senior pastor talked about this past week, MY story that I write is just a small part of HIS story.
I write because He created me to do so. I write because my heart overflows with His love. I write because there is nothing better than sitting with Him, conversing with Him. He wired me in a way that has made writing our special time. Whether I am a great writer or a so-so writer is not important to me (although it would be nice to be great)... I will write for as long as my body allows because there is no better moment than when I am writing. No other moment feels like this...
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
The Lies that Bind
The past couple of months of been busy and amazing and crazy and filled with God's awesome touch! We have had two monkey birthdays, a vacation to the beach, and many summer adventures. But the biggest, most amazing thing that has happened since I was last on here is that my husband pursued his dream of teaching! And, as of yesterday, he is officially an instructor for a vocational school in York!
Here's the thing... It's not just exciting because he has a new job doing what he loves. It's not just exciting because he's going to be impacting high schoolers and adults on a daily basis. It is MOST exciting because after 10 years of watching my husband squash his dream over and over again because the lies in his head told him he could never teach, he LET GO and TRUSTED GOD!
Since the day I met Kevin, I knew he WANTED to teach as a profession. He would talk about how even in high school he knew he wanted to teach. But something was holding him back... It wasn't his grades, because he had good grades. It wasn't his personality, because we all know he has a GREAT people-person personality! What held him back were the lies that he had in his head. The lies that told him he would never be good enough to teach. The lies that said he would fail as a teacher. The lies that told him there were "better" people to impact students.
Those lies continued to hold him back... Because of the lies and the fears, he settled on jobs that although were supporting our family, were NOT what God ultimately wanted for him. He pursued "safe" jobs, ones that he knew he could do. Ones that were in his comfort zone. He did an amazing job at whatever he did, and he exuded God wherever he worked. BUT, he wasn't doing what he knew God created him to do.
And then it happened... Slowly but surely, with the help of friends encouraging him and speaking truth into him, he pushed the lies and fears aside, and pursued his dream. The process was not easy, as it took over 3 months from his 1st interview to the actual job offer. There were weeks where he heard NOTHING from the school. There were many moments where the lies would consume his thoughts... BUT, he held onto the dream. He held onto the truth...
The lies in our heads can consume us. They can bind us to a life filled with fear, holding us back from what God has created us to be and do. It's something I still struggle with... I tend to allow the lies in my head to play over and over until I believe them. A friend of mine calls it the "lizard brain". It is an everyday effort to squelch the lizard brain... Sometimes it needs to be silenced multiple times a day.
These lies are NOT from God. He does not tell us the things we can't do... He does not fill us with fear and doubt. He certainly does NOT tell us we are not worthy of pursuing the dreams HE has placed in our hearts. God only speaks TRUTH. HIS TRUTH. And, when we trust Him, and silence the lies that bind us, we find ourselves not just dreaming, but living.
I know that for Kevin, there will be moments where the lies will creep into his thoughts. I also know that those around him will help remind him of the truth. There will be days when he will doubt himself and the plans God has for him. But for now, he is wholeheartedly living the dream God has given him. As his wife, there is NOTHING more amazing to see than him letting go of the lies and embracing who God has created him to be...
Here's the thing... It's not just exciting because he has a new job doing what he loves. It's not just exciting because he's going to be impacting high schoolers and adults on a daily basis. It is MOST exciting because after 10 years of watching my husband squash his dream over and over again because the lies in his head told him he could never teach, he LET GO and TRUSTED GOD!
Since the day I met Kevin, I knew he WANTED to teach as a profession. He would talk about how even in high school he knew he wanted to teach. But something was holding him back... It wasn't his grades, because he had good grades. It wasn't his personality, because we all know he has a GREAT people-person personality! What held him back were the lies that he had in his head. The lies that told him he would never be good enough to teach. The lies that said he would fail as a teacher. The lies that told him there were "better" people to impact students.
Those lies continued to hold him back... Because of the lies and the fears, he settled on jobs that although were supporting our family, were NOT what God ultimately wanted for him. He pursued "safe" jobs, ones that he knew he could do. Ones that were in his comfort zone. He did an amazing job at whatever he did, and he exuded God wherever he worked. BUT, he wasn't doing what he knew God created him to do.
And then it happened... Slowly but surely, with the help of friends encouraging him and speaking truth into him, he pushed the lies and fears aside, and pursued his dream. The process was not easy, as it took over 3 months from his 1st interview to the actual job offer. There were weeks where he heard NOTHING from the school. There were many moments where the lies would consume his thoughts... BUT, he held onto the dream. He held onto the truth...
The lies in our heads can consume us. They can bind us to a life filled with fear, holding us back from what God has created us to be and do. It's something I still struggle with... I tend to allow the lies in my head to play over and over until I believe them. A friend of mine calls it the "lizard brain". It is an everyday effort to squelch the lizard brain... Sometimes it needs to be silenced multiple times a day.
These lies are NOT from God. He does not tell us the things we can't do... He does not fill us with fear and doubt. He certainly does NOT tell us we are not worthy of pursuing the dreams HE has placed in our hearts. God only speaks TRUTH. HIS TRUTH. And, when we trust Him, and silence the lies that bind us, we find ourselves not just dreaming, but living.
I know that for Kevin, there will be moments where the lies will creep into his thoughts. I also know that those around him will help remind him of the truth. There will be days when he will doubt himself and the plans God has for him. But for now, he is wholeheartedly living the dream God has given him. As his wife, there is NOTHING more amazing to see than him letting go of the lies and embracing who God has created him to be...
Thursday, May 8, 2014
God Can Do More Than You Can Imagine
This past Sunday, Tyler (our second son) celebrated his 6th birthday! It was a great day filled with donuts for breakfast, church with friends, and his FAVORITE birthday dinner: pizza casserole. Let's not forget the cupcakes and family who came to celebrate with us! All in all, he had a FANTASTIC birthday! He was so happy!!!!
As I sat in church that morning during our Healing Service, my mind began to wonder back throughout the past 6 years. Memories of him being born... Memories of those beautiful blue eyes and the very chubby cheeks and those blonde curls. I thought about his chunky arms and thighs, and how his chunky hands look like they were screwed onto his arms.
Without any warning, tears started streaming down my face. I was suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling I couldn't at that moment explain... It was a feeling of gratefulness, and joy, and wonderment. There was amazement as I found myself thinking about how far he has come, how God used Tyler for so much more than I could have ever imagined.
When Tyler was 1, he spent most of time crying (more like screaming) in the middle of the room. For his first year of life, we could barely cuddle with him. Sleeping was highly overrated, as he spent many hours a night crying. There was absolutely nothing we could do to make him happy, except for put on VeggieTales videos. Tyler didn't babble, didn't make eye contact, and made no real effort to interact with anyone.
Therapy was started and we began to see slow progress. By the age of 2, Kevin and I had accepted that most likely Tyler was on the Autism Spectrum (which he later was given a diagnosis). We had begun to mourn the loss of everything we had hoped and planned for him. As a former Autism Behavioral Therapist, I knew what a child with Autism would face. I knew there was no cure... We buckled down and learned to accept that life was always going to be different for him.
But then, God started doing something amazing... Tyler began progressing in ways that his therapists and I couldn't believe. He not only began talking, but began to interact with others. He was able to start holding conversations, communicate his needs, and even began wanting to hug and cuddle. We saw fewer and fewer meltdowns, and a happy, funny little boy began to emerge.
By the time Tyler was 4, he had made so much progress he tested out of the Intermediate Unit's Preschool program. The non-verbal, anti-social little boy started becoming the VERY SOCIAL chatterbox we have come to know and love!
Kindergarten, which seemed almost improbable at one point in time, was our next goal. After a couple glitches in the beginning of the year, we sit here with only a month left his of Kindergarten year. He has surpassed all goals we set, and has amazed his teachers, both at school and at church.
He has been playing t-ball for the past few weeks, and he LOVES it! The little boy who didn't want to be around anyone now asks EVERY player on the other team what their name is... And then proceeds to say hi to them (by name) each time they pass him on the field. He then remembers their name the next time they play against that team.
4 years ago, I would have NEVER believed Tyler would be the way he is now. Although I have always believed that God could do amazing things, I never thought he would do it for Tyler. I had seen Autism in many ways, and did not think God would choose to use Tyler in the ways that He has. And, yet, God did... God used Tyler to teach me (as well as many others) that God can do more than our little brains could ever imagine. We can't put a cap on what God can do... There's NO limit to His abilities!
There is no saying what Tyler (or any of us for that matter) can do... Anything is possible, if it's in God's will.
As I sat in church that morning during our Healing Service, my mind began to wonder back throughout the past 6 years. Memories of him being born... Memories of those beautiful blue eyes and the very chubby cheeks and those blonde curls. I thought about his chunky arms and thighs, and how his chunky hands look like they were screwed onto his arms.
Without any warning, tears started streaming down my face. I was suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling I couldn't at that moment explain... It was a feeling of gratefulness, and joy, and wonderment. There was amazement as I found myself thinking about how far he has come, how God used Tyler for so much more than I could have ever imagined.
When Tyler was 1, he spent most of time crying (more like screaming) in the middle of the room. For his first year of life, we could barely cuddle with him. Sleeping was highly overrated, as he spent many hours a night crying. There was absolutely nothing we could do to make him happy, except for put on VeggieTales videos. Tyler didn't babble, didn't make eye contact, and made no real effort to interact with anyone.
Therapy was started and we began to see slow progress. By the age of 2, Kevin and I had accepted that most likely Tyler was on the Autism Spectrum (which he later was given a diagnosis). We had begun to mourn the loss of everything we had hoped and planned for him. As a former Autism Behavioral Therapist, I knew what a child with Autism would face. I knew there was no cure... We buckled down and learned to accept that life was always going to be different for him.
But then, God started doing something amazing... Tyler began progressing in ways that his therapists and I couldn't believe. He not only began talking, but began to interact with others. He was able to start holding conversations, communicate his needs, and even began wanting to hug and cuddle. We saw fewer and fewer meltdowns, and a happy, funny little boy began to emerge.
By the time Tyler was 4, he had made so much progress he tested out of the Intermediate Unit's Preschool program. The non-verbal, anti-social little boy started becoming the VERY SOCIAL chatterbox we have come to know and love!
Kindergarten, which seemed almost improbable at one point in time, was our next goal. After a couple glitches in the beginning of the year, we sit here with only a month left his of Kindergarten year. He has surpassed all goals we set, and has amazed his teachers, both at school and at church.
He has been playing t-ball for the past few weeks, and he LOVES it! The little boy who didn't want to be around anyone now asks EVERY player on the other team what their name is... And then proceeds to say hi to them (by name) each time they pass him on the field. He then remembers their name the next time they play against that team.
4 years ago, I would have NEVER believed Tyler would be the way he is now. Although I have always believed that God could do amazing things, I never thought he would do it for Tyler. I had seen Autism in many ways, and did not think God would choose to use Tyler in the ways that He has. And, yet, God did... God used Tyler to teach me (as well as many others) that God can do more than our little brains could ever imagine. We can't put a cap on what God can do... There's NO limit to His abilities!
There is no saying what Tyler (or any of us for that matter) can do... Anything is possible, if it's in God's will.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
A Kind Face Goes a Long Way
How many times have you been to the store and seen a child
throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the aisle or you’re at the park with
your kids and see a child off on his own, talking to himself? I am sure
you have been out in public many times and have seen a family with a child they
can’t seem to get control of. Or maybe you’ve been at church and seen someone
with significant physical disabilities walking through the halls.
I am confident that all of you have had multiple
interactions with people and families affected by Special Needs. With the rise
of Autism, ADHD, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder, it would be pretty hard to
NOT run into someone affected by at least one of these disorders. Unless you
live in a bubble, you can be sure that you have met with, talked to, walked by,
looked at, or heard of someone with Special Needs.
With these interactions, we are given awesome opportunities
to care, to help, to show God. But, with these interactions, our human-ness can
show through, and sometimes it isn’t pretty. Our fear, our lack of knowledge
can lead to our interactions being filled with judgment, and even the
accusatory glare. (I admit, even with having two children with Special Needs, I
have been known to give the accusatory glare to families who don’t seem to have
control of their children.) We don’t
know what to say, or if we should say anything at all. We find ourselves
avoiding the family altogether, sometimes turning around and going down a
totally different aisle. We are even known to make side comments to our spouse
while still being within ear shot of the family. (This has happened many times
to my family while out and about running errands.)
What would it look like if we changed how we interacted with
people and families, even ones we don’t know? How awesome would it be if we
replaced the avoidance with a “hello” and a smile?
There are simple things we can do… For the child screaming
at the grocery store, rather than jump to any conclusions about the parents’
parenting skills, remind yourself that SO MUCH MORE could be going on in that
family. When you change your thoughts, your facial expressions will soften.
And, as you walk by them to get your eggs, rather than a glaring, accusatory
look, a smile shows. For the family, this is HUGE! For many families with
Special Needs, the fact that their child is screaming is hard enough. Knowing
that others are judging them only makes things worse. Seeing a kind face in
amongst the chaos can make a difference.
If you see a family with a child throwing a temper tantrum,
pitching items all over the place, rather than avoiding the aisle, continue
about your business. As you walk by, help put back the items thrown about back.
There’s no need to say anything… Again, just a kind face will go a long way.
Don’t be afraid to spark a conversation with a mom at the
park. Her child may act differently from the “typical” child, but the mother’s
desires for her child are the same as yours. She wants her child to grow and
become who God has created him or her to be. She desires conversation with
adults just as much (if not more) than any other mom. You can even introduce
your child to the mom and to her child. Help make a connection. Be okay with
the fact that her child may not want to play with your child. (For children on
the Autism Spectrum especially, playing with peers is extremely awkward and
uncomfortable.)
When you’re with your children, and they see someone with a
disability, and they begin to ask questions, try not to squash their curiosity.
The act of shushing them and avoiding the topic creates fear within your child.
Not being allowed to talk about the disability causes them to think there’s
something WRONG. Rather than shushing them and avoiding the topic, shape the
conversation… Allow them to ask their questions in a respectful way. Help them
to see that there’s nothing WRONG with the person. Rather, help them to see
that God created everyone differently, but loves everyone the same. Help give
them words of kindness and respect for the differences. The more we allow our
children to ask their questions, the more they will understand and accept the
differences. If we do not allow them to ask their questions, we can create
feelings of fear in the unknown. (I plan on diving a little deeper into this soon!)
The families you interact with aren’t looking for grandiose
gestures of kindness. They aren’t looking for you to fix their “problem” or to
offer to take their child for the day. These families just long for someone to
show them patience and understanding and kindness. They spend so much of their
time out in public trying to protect themselves from the hurt and embarrassment
that comes from judgmental glances and side comments. They just want to be able
to go out and do what they need to do, just like everyone else.
As time goes on, we are going to continue to see an increase
in children and families with Special Needs. We will see more families at the
store, at the movies, at church. What would it look like if we gave them more
positive interactions to look forward to? What if these families only had to
worry about their child, rather than their child AND the judgment that comes
from those around them? Imagine how amazing it would be for these families to
see more smiles and kind faces than accusatory glances…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)