When All Hope Seems Lost

In less than a month, we as voting Americans will be walking into schools, administrative building, municipal buildings to vote on our next President of the United States. The next four years will be shaped by the person who wins this election... And that thought has left me feeling fearful, stressed, and lacking in hope for our country.

I have found myself on many occasions being overwhelmed by the negative political ads that run constantly. I feel scared by the thoughts of what could be. Our choices are not exactly prime choices this time around. I get lost in thought over what type of leaders my boys will have to "look up to", and not in good ways. I know I am not alone in this... I know that many people are scared of what the future holds. And that fear is showing in our interactions, in our conversations, in our day to day life.

Facebook is exploding with posts tearing down the candidates. Even worse, it's exploding with posts and comments tearing down people who side with either of the candidates. It's filled with name-calling and threats and arguments. Civil disagreements are becoming a thing of the past. And this leaves me feeling saddened and scared for the future.

This sadness and fear I have been feeling has been consuming me. And, I realized that I had managed to lose my grip on something extremely important... HOPE. I completely lost sight of my hope in tomorrow. I lost sight of my hope in the future that God has laid out for me and for my family. I had certainly lost sight of my hope in what God has in store for our country.

God has promised us that He is sovereign and just and loving and merciful. He has promised us futures filled with hope. It truly doesn't matter who becomes president this year, in four years, or in fifty years... Because God has promised to be with us ALWAYS. Yes, our president significantly impacts policies that have great impact on our lives. Yes, our president (and their beliefs) will shape our futures. But, no president has the power to impact our lives, our hearts, our families like God does.

The outcome of this year's election will greatly impact us all not just as Americans, but as human beings in general. The next four years will be different than any other time, no matter who wins the election. Changes will happen, for both the positive and the negative. That comes with new leadership... But no matter the leader, no matter the changes, no matter the outcome of this election, our God will still be God on November 9th. He will still be walking with us daily. He will still be loving us in a way only He can love us.

And so, during this unsettling time, I am choosing to put my HOPE in Him. To put aside my fears and anxieties, and to focus on HIS promises. He is my hope, today, tomorrow, over the next four years, and for decades to come.

When Doubt Creeps In...

The school year has begun, and we are well into October! The leaves are changing, the air is colder, and my favorite sweatshirts and boots are out! I love Fall, and all that comes with it! It's the season we do the most outside things... Like apple picking and hiking and going for walks. The boys love the Fall too. There's way less whining about being hot outside, and there's no one panicking about bees (okay, fine, really it's I'm not panicking about bees!). We love this time of year!

But there is a part of me that struggles every Fall, or at least since Patrick started school. You see, this season brings a new school year. And, a new school year brings new challenges for the boys and for me as their mom. The boys embrace these new challenges like champs! They eagerly wait for the reviewing to be over so they can move on to the "good stuff". They enjoy meeting new friends, new teachers, and certainly love the new routine. They rock the beginning of the year, and I find myself overwhelmed...

I become overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to keep track of (having 4 boys in school brings A LOT of information). I become overwhelmed by the new ways to do math, and the new way to teach spelling, and which child is doing what type of WEB reading. I want so desperately to be THAT mom who can truly know what the boys are doing that I cause myself to become overwhelmed. And, because I certainly can't be perfect at this whole keeping up with everything, the secret ninja I call DOUBT creeps in.

And, like clockwork, that is exactly what has been happening over the past couple months. It started with doubting my abilities to keep up with the boys' school stuff. But, it slowly inched it's way into so much more. I found myself doubting myself as a mom in general. Do I love them enough? Do they know I love them? Have I taught them well enough? Do I listen to them? Am I positively impacting them?

It then spread throughout other areas of my life... Doubt took over how I felt about my abilities as a wife. Do I really love and honor Kevin the way a "good wife" should? Am I truly respecting him? Am I the wife Kevin needs?

Once the doubt creeps in, it can easily take over. Just like that, I was doubting my place as a mom, a wife, and soon I was doubting who I was outside of the home. I began doubting if I was doing a good enough job supporting the boys' teachers. Was there more I should be doing for them? I began doubting my work at the church... Was I truly making an impact on the families? Was I really being a good leader, one that people would want to follow?

Before I knew it, I was residing in a big puddle of doubt, and I found myself questioning everything. If it had to do with me doing anything, I doubted whether I was the right person to do it. Then, one day, I realized the awful, secret ninja had struck again and that it was time to attack it head on. So, I did what I should have been doing the whole time. I stopped and prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more for God to show me my doubts were wrong. To bring moments where I could see the truth. To bring people into my space who could help me sort through the doubt and find my confidence again.

I am still fighting the ninja... God is still showing me ways to combat the doubt. But, for every doubt I feel, I confidently trust that God will show me the truth. It's a slow journey for me. It's been a journey that sometimes I get stuck on. Probably more than just sometimes. I could let it swallow me up... It's an option. BUT, it's not a good option, not a wise option. I cannot live my life fully if I let doubt run the show.

God wants us to live confidently in who He has created us to be. He wants us to walk proudly on this earth using the talents and qualities He has given us to impact others. We are called to love, to serve, to care for those around us, and when there's doubt in who we are, it's hard to really shine for Him.

So, in this beautiful season of Fall, I am choosing to hold on to the truths of who I am, what I have been created to do, and what God has in store for, and am pushing the sneaky ninja Doubt out of the way. It might trip my up from time to time, but it will NOT take me out!

The Comparison Game

There have been very few times in my life that I have been truly happy and content with the person I am. I have been briefly content with how I look... I have been fleetingly happy with my personality... I have very rarely looked at myself as a whole and have thought, "Gosh, there's nothing I'd want to change about myself." And I realized recently that it's all because I spend A LOT of time comparing myself to others.

The Comparison Game I play goes something like this: I see a woman walking by me and I think, "I'd love to be that thin. She's so fit and pretty." And so I start working out and striving to lose weight. Then, I watch some moms out at the park playing soccer or running around with their kids, and I think, "I should be more like them. I should be more active with the boys." Then at work, I interact with some of the amazing women leaders we have and think, "I need to be more like them. I need to be more focused on A, B, C and D to become more inspiring, more influential." And let's not forget all the wives out there that are awesome at serving their husbands! I think, "I am a terrible wife because I don't get up early to make my husband breakfast. I don't iron his shirts or write love notes to him everyday. And I certainly don't cook him spectacular meals everyday." The list goes on and on. I find myself comparing me to EVERYONE about almost EVERYTHING.

Whether it's weight, fitness, looks, parenting, being a confident woman, cooking, being a wife, and everything else out there, I tend to look at what others are doing to gauge how well I am doing. And, when I compare myself to others, I almost always feel like I am failing... Because I am not them. I have strived to be someone else because somehow I think it will make me a better me. But here's the thing, all of that comparing, all of that changing to be like someone else doesn't make me a better me. It makes me a better someone else. And that's not how it should be... At ALL!

I was designed in a very specific way. I was gifted with certain things, and NOT gifted with certain things on purpose. God gave me my brown "has a mind of it's own" hair and hazel eyes. He designed me to be very fair skinned, who never tans. He made me to have four beautiful babies, and a body to carry those babies. (And a body that didn't bounce back from those four beautiful babies.) I was wired in a way that makes me independent, strong-willed, and strategic. Even the things I see as significant flaws, such as my fear of crowds and uncomfortableness in social settings, are things God designed in me just as He saw fit. And, He wants me to embrace all of that. He wants me to be happy with who He created me to be, flaws and all. Comparing myself to others doesn't help me embrace me... It makes me want to change me...

I am learning to be inspired by others without comparing myself to others. It's a fine line that I struggle with... Being inspired by someone gives you the excitement, the energy to better yourself. NOT bettering yourself to be like that person, but bettering yourself to be more of who you already are. Inspiration leads to growth and maturity. Inspiration does not lead to me changing myself to be like someone else, but to build upon the person God has created me to be.

So, my hope and my focus moving forward is to stop comparing myself to others... Yes, there are some super amazing moms and wives out there. Yes, there are some VERY FIT people out there that look amazing. But, I am not them. I am ME. And my choice to be fit will be based on shaping MY body to be the fittest, healthiest it can be. My goals of becoming a better mom to my boys will be based on what my boys need and what works best in my home. And NOT based on what other moms are doing. Striving to be a better wife will be based on building a better relationship with my husband, not based on the fact other wives do it differently.

Somewhere in this life, I need to be MORE than just "okay" with who I am and how I look. I need to truly embrace ME.  To love the person I am, no matter what season of life I am in. To want to grow, to be shaped, to mature NOT because I am striving to be someone else, but because I want to build upon what God has already done in me. I am me, flaws and all. The less time I spend comparing myself to others, the more time I will have to be the person God created me to be.

Giving Up Control and Trusting in God

There comes a point in everyone’s life that we realize we have little to no control over our lives. We reach a point where we cry “uncle” and choose to either give up or to hand our lives over to the one who created us. We choose to let go of the control and somehow learn to enjoy the journey we are on. We stumble, we stray, but ultimately we view life (and the junk that comes with it) with a brand new perspective.

It took me until I was 28 before I realized that I ultimately did not have control over all of the things I so desperately tried to control. And the way God showed himself, the way I learned that very little control was mine to have, was filled with heart ache and pain I never knew existed. I felt unprepared for the journey God had planned for me, but as the months and years unfolded, I learned He knew what He was doing. Don’t get me wrong, I doubted and questioned. I threw temper tantrums and hissy fits. My strong and incessant need to be in control got in the way often. But somehow, I always managed to come back to Him and the knowledge that He has a much better plan for me than I could ever imagine.

The plan I had for myself was a good plan. It was a plan filled with a husband, children, a job I loved, friends and ministry. I had gone to college and gotten my degree in Behavioral Science. It was a perfect fit for me, as I have always been intrigued by behavior. This degree was my doorway into working with children with Autism. I spent forty hours a week in children’s homes teaching them skills and building relationships with their families. It was hard work, and often times not very rewarding, but I loved my job. I thought I was on the right track…

And then my personal life began to come together. I dated, courted and then married a man that had the same kind of plans for life, filled with children and friends and ministry. When I married Kevin, I moved to Pennsylvania (which was where I went to college and swore I would never return to). Life was good. Kevin and I started talking about having children and it wasn’t long after that we were pregnant with our first son. We could not have asked for a better life. Our plan was falling into place and we thought we had it all together.

It wasn’t until about 6 months after our first son, Patrick,  was born that I started to realize I didn’t have as much control as I thought. We had learned that we were expecting baby number 2, and this was definitely NOT part of our plan. I was scared, my husband was freaked out, but we came to a place where we were excited for our unexpected baby. 4 months into that pregnancy, we were reminded again that we have no control… We lost our only girl to a rare genetic disorder that we knew nothing about. The grief over her loss was immense. It was a time we had thought we would never survive.

But we did survive. In fact, several months later, we were ready to try for another baby. Our first son was almost 2 years old when Tyler was born. Our family was growing, we had survived a very heart breaking loss, and I thought we had it all together. I thought I knew where our lives were headed. Boy was I wrong… I had no idea how greatly our lives would be turned upside down in the coming years. I was oblivious to the journey that my family and I were about to embark on.

In May of 2009, the life that my husband and I had planned and were looking forward to came to a halt. The dreams we had for our second son seemed shattered as we learned that he had significant delays. At no point in our planning did we ever think that daily meltdowns, weekly therapy, and a constant struggle to connect with our son would be our norm. The very Autism Spectrum I had spent years working with was now what I was living with.

The journey began as I sat in the exam room with my beautiful one year old Tyler, listening to the doctor talk about how my son was growing well. He was 98^th percentile for both weight and length, and was a strong, healthy boy. And then the doctor asked me questions about Tyler… Was he communicating his needs? Was he babbling? Was he interacting with his big brother? How was his temperament?

As I sat there answering the doctor’s questions, I knew in my heart that my baby boy was not like other babies. He SHOULD have been gesturing for what he wanted. I knew he SHOULD have been babbling. He SHOULD have been interacting with his big brother. But, he wasn’t. Rather, he was screaming for a large chunk of the day, uninterested in being consoled, without any attempt to show us what he wanted or needed. We couldn’t cuddle him, couldn’t hold him. No sweet moments of connection.

Sitting at the doctor’s office, I knew we were heading into a world I was only familiar with in a professional way. We were heading into the lifetime world of Special Needs. The Autism Spectrum and all the jargon that comes with it became a very real part of our daily life. And as we navigated the beginning of this new way of living, my husband and I learned so much about ourselves, our family, and most importantly about God.

There were so many times that I would sit and try to picture our future. But I couldn’t see it. All I could see was the screaming child and a lifetime of struggles. The initial weeks were filled with tears and anger and this overwhelming sense of loss. I didn’t lose my son physically, like I had with our daughter. Rather, I lost the hope and dreams I had for him. The idea of him getting married someday disappeared. Succeeding in sports or school or music seemed unimaginable at that moment.

If that wasn’t enough to swallow, I began to think about what others were going to think about our situation. What were people going to say about Tyler? How were they going to look at him? Were they still going to love him? Were our family and friends still going to love us?

And then in the middle of one of my hissy fits, God’s presence flooded over me… I could feel a peace I hadn’t felt in months. I had no answers, no fixes. But I began to see our situation differently. I began to see that although this time was horrible that there might just be something greater happening. In that moment, I could see that God was still at work in us. We still had a future. Our son still had a beautiful future and a purpose here on earth.

We were not in control. Our plans were not the plans we were now living out. I fought hard to grab onto any control I could find, but in the end, I had to cry “uncle”. I had to accept I had no control over the big things. And I had to make a choice… Either to give up or to truly hand over my life to God. I chose the latter, and that began a beautiful journey of love and peace and abundant grace from God.

Throughout the last 7 years, we have been reminded over and over that control is not ours. Only a month after our second son turned one, we welcomed son number three. He originally was not part of our plan, but once he was in our arms, there was no way we would have wanted things to be any different. Our third son, Zachary brought new challenges, as we juggled three young children and therapy and normal life. And just when we thought we had some semblance of control back, God surprised us with our fourth son, Benjamin. We had four boys in four years, and we had certainly learned that our plans were not quite God’s plans.

As Benjamin reached his first birthday, we had begun to see some similarities in his development as we had with our second son. And low and behold, as I sat with him at his one year well child visit, I heard the familiar words of “he has some significant developmental delays. Let’s have him evaluated.” But this time was different… I had already accepted that I had no control. Over the years I had learned to step back and see what God might be doing. And most importantly, I had learned that no matter what, God had my back. And He certainly loved me, my husband and my sons. And He had plans for each of them.

Here’s the thing… I still have my moments of wanting control (more than I’d like to admit). I still struggle with fully accepting that God’s plan is way better than anything I could plan. But, the woman I am today is not the same scared mama that I was five years ago. I can look back on these years and see a dramatic change in who I am and in how much I trust God. It didn’t happen overnight. Each day it took taking that small step of faith to just get out of bed. It took family and friends wrapping their arms around our family even on the worst of days. It took tears, and prayers, and yes, some hissy fits, to truly see God in everything. And He IS in everything.

The Blessings in the Sorrow

This coming Sunday marks an eternally amazing event... The resurrection of Jesus and the forgiveness of a God who loves us more than we could ever fathom. Easter is the fulfillment of promises made to all human kind. It's when God gave us a gift that we can never repay. Easter is filled with joy and excitement and reminders of how much God truly sacrificed for us.

It's a time that would not have happened without great sorrow and loss. God lost His Son... For the time Jesus hung on the cross God was no longer able to see him, feel him, connect with him. The sins that Jesus bore for us were so thick, so heavy that it kept God from His own son. Mary, John and those who were close to Jesus stood at the bottom of his cross weeping for the man they had loved. The disciples and the others who followed Jesus were left with more questions than answers. They were left with sorrow and pain, knowing they would never see Jesus again.

But that sorrow turned to confusion then to excitement on the third day. The expectation when walking to the tomb was to find soldiers guarding the stone and for Jesus to still be dead. What they found was an angel telling them Jesus wasn't there. Not because his body was stolen but because Jesus was alive. ALIVE... No longer dead. Breathing, walking, talking... ALIVE! The lives of the people of that time were changed forever. Our lives were changed forever. The blessings and the grace and the forgiveness God gave us through Jesus were (and are) abundantly overflowing. But it took deep sorrow and pain for those blessings to happen.

I think about that a lot... How it seems that often time the most deep and life-changing blessings come out of the deepest sorrows. Sure, we see and experience blessings all the time. The fact that we wake up in the morning is a blessing in itself. But it's those blessings that shake your world and show you just how amazing God is that seem to grow from the sorrow and loss and pain. It almost feels like we can't truly know and appreciate how much God blesses us until we feel the polar opposite of blessed.

It breaks my heart to think about what God must have felt that day when Jesus died. I think about how lonely He must have felt. How would any father feel watching their son die? And to top off that loss, it was HIS choice... Because He loved us. He chose to go through that pain. He chose to suffer, and to have His son suffer for US. He could have stopped it at any point, but He loved us too much to stop it.

His loss, His sorrow turned into blessings we won't fully experience until we are in heaven. Mary's weeping turned into joy three days later. The disciples, who mourned his death, spent the rest of their lives celebrating his life and the blessings that came from his resurrection. 2000 years later people still celebrate the life he lived, the life he gave and the eternal life gifted to us through him.

It's hard to find the blessings in the midst of sorrow... It's hard to see or feel anything other than pain and grief. But, there are blessings. There were during the time of Jesus, and there certainly are today. There are blessings waiting for you (and me) to find, even when we're smack dab in the middle of the yuckiest, hardest points of our lives. Can you see them? Can you feel them?

Spring Will Come, But Winter Is Here...

This winter has not exactly been the kindest to us here in Pennsylvania. It teased us throughout December and a good bit of January, making us think we would truly have a mild winter. And then it happened... Winter hit and it hit hard. A blizzard with record snow (almost 3 feet), another snow storm hit right after the blizzard snow was finally melting, and yet another snow/ice thing this week. We have been stuck inside for too long...

And as Winter was pelting us with yuckyness outside our household was hit with the flu. Yes, the full blown flu for my husband. The same day Kevin was confirmed to have the flu Zachary caught some nasty stomach bug. And because our boys share illnesses (and not so much toys) Ben and Patrick got flu-like symptoms. Tyler and I are the only ones who haven't really been hit hard, but hey, there's still time!

I have never wished for Spring more than this Winter. I find myself praying to get past this season and into warmer weather. I look forward to sending the boys outside to play with only sweatshirts. (I look forward to not wearing a coat myself!) So many wonderful things happen in Spring. Tulips bloom. Birds tweet. It's so much nicer than Winter.

In a moment at our staff meeting this morning I realized I have had a very poor attitude when it came to Winter. Our pastor was talking about his love for Spring, but that he also likes Winter because it comes before Spring. It's the time of excited anticipation for all the beautiful things that come with Spring. It got me  thinking more about Winter. Maybe I have been giving this season a bad rap. What could I find positive about it? What would happen if rather than looking at it from the perspective of just "getting through" it I could find a way to see how good it can be?

Winter has brought our family some AMAZING family time! This was the first year that Kevin had off every time his school closed. So, he was home when the boys were home. We watched movies and played games and spent time during the day in ways we never did before. We took drives through the beautiful country side looking at all the farms covered in glistening snow. Bright red cardinals stood out in the snow covered trees. The boys learned what it means to work together and how hard work shoveling can turn into snowball fights. We've had time to focus on our business in ways we would have been too busy to do if it weren't for the snow. And, as much as I dislike my boys being sick, the lasting cuddles and quiet moments are far too uncommon on a normal day.

As I began to really think about the neat things about this Winter I started to be less eager to get through it. As I excitedly anticipate all that Spring has to offer I don't want to miss out on the neat things happening right now. I believe we can enjoy the here and now while still excitedly anticipating what is to come next. I also believe (as I have just experienced) that we cannot truly excitedly anticipate what is to come if we cannot be content with where we are. Because there is just too much wishing to get through things... There just is.

May we all learn to enjoy what Winter has to offer as we excitedly anticipate all that Spring has to offer. May we see God even in the midst of the things we don't like. May we see that whatever "winter" is for each us of, it is not to be "gotten through" but to be experienced. May we find contentment even in the midst of a blizzard...