Missing His Love...

As I have always promised, I will be keeping this post very open and very honest. I want those who read my posts to know the joys AND the struggles... Because we ALL have both. Sometimes, the joys outweigh the struggles. Then again, sometimes the struggles surely outweigh the joy. My feeling is that we should share both, as HOPE can be found in both. The struggles are real, and the more we share, the more honest we are about them, the less we feel alone. Because I KNOW that I am not the only person in this entire world who feels the many ways I feel.

This morning I was sitting in our church service with a somewhat stinky attitude... I'm not really sure where the stinky attitude came from, but it was definitely there. I was on edge, unhappy, and definitely not in the mood to celebrate. (Today was the celebration of our founding pastor's legacy, who has been our pastor for 39 years.) I just wanted to be home, in my bed, drifting in and out of sleep while watching Criminal Minds.

But, I was at church. We had done our weekly trip to the coffee bar to get the boys donuts. We had said hello to practically half the church. We had cordially said "Good Morning" to those sitting around us. And the music started. It used to be that the music would almost instantly fix my mood. Who can resist lively worship music lead by an amazing worship team, right? But even by the second song, my spirits had not lifted.

Sure, my foot was tapping to the beat, and I was singing along, but there was nothing behind it. And since I'm being honest here, there hasn't been much behind it for weeks. Something has felt lost or disconnected... I have felt like a loose power cord that if you wiggle it just right you get power, but the second the cord gets jarred a little, the power flickers.

By the third song, I had figured that my stinky attitude was not going to change. But something happened when the fourth song began. The lyrics began with:

 "I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like.
But I've heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night.
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone."

Chris Tomlin's "Good Good Father" has been played many times in our church, many more times on the radio. But today, tears began to stream down my face with the second line. My heart hurt. It felt empty. When was the last time I heard his whispers of love? When did I last feel His all consuming love? And when did I last feel that He was truly pleased with me?

Tears continued to pour as we moved onto another song about God's love for us. "Oh, how He loves us" was sung over and over and my heart began to feel something it hadn't felt in a while. It felt loved. It felt connected. It felt almost full.

For the first time in a while, I felt connected to a part of God that I apparently had been missing. I have been so focused on so many other things that I lost sight of something so vital to God... His love. I focused on serving and loving others, the "right" way to manage our finances, the best way of parenting our boys. And, in the busyness and hurriedness of my life, I lost my connection to the most life sustaining piece of God.

It wasn't His fault. He never left. He certainly didn't love me any less during my busyness. I didn't make time and space for me to connect with Him that way. I prayed often, whether it be for people, for myself, and for events happening around us. But there was very little time spent just soaking in His love. As the music played today, I was reminded of what I have been missing. And it was no one's fault but my own.

Have I known He loves me all this time? Absolutely! I don't believe there was a point where I doubted His love... I just wasn't taking the time to sit in it. To FEEL it. To be comforted and soothed by it. When I feel His love, it feels similar to when I was little and my dad would wrap me in his arms and hug me. It always felt so safe in his arms, like nothing could hurt me and that no matter what I did he would still love me. When I am quiet and connected to God, I can feel His arms wrap around me, providing the same safe feeling.

I am so grateful for a God who always loves me, even when I don't make the time to feel it. I am grateful that He was waiting for me, and took lyrics of a song this morning to remind me how much He loves me. He is a "good good Father. It's who He is. And we are loved by Him. It's who we are."

Somehow, I need to re-prioritize my life, and make time to feel His love. I don't currently know what that will look like, but it's going to happen. It has to happen. Because the emptiness I have been feeling can only be filled one way. No more excuses... No more "I'm too busy" or "life is crazy"... His love (and feeling His love) are far more important. I hope and pray that I can truly make a sustaining change, because man have I missed feeling loved by Him!