Bittersweet Moments of Growth

It is the end of August and my family is back into the full swing of school. Kevin is teaching his fifth year, and man is he doing an amazing job! The boys are now in 3rd, 5th, 6th, and 8th grade and have plans of rocking this school year. It is so amazing to watch my five guys grow and mature and find their groove!

On the other hand, it is so hard to watch my babies spread their wings and soar. They are doing exactly what they should be doing... doing what Kevin and myself have been raising them to do. But with each step of independence, each celebration of a milestone, my mama heart has a small part that is sad. I miss the babies. I miss the way they would mix up words like "waterlemon" instead of "watermelon". I miss the sound of their little, squeaky voices, rather than the low, robust voice of my 13 year old. Their growing and maturing leaves a very bittersweet taste, and I am realizing that most growth seems to do that.

We have been focused on the topic of Growth at our church for the last several weeks, and so growth has been on the very forefront of my mind. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my own growth and how the journey I have been on has brought an unbelievable amount of growth and maturity. The more I think about how I've grown, the more I realize how many times there were moments of that bittersweet taste...For every moment that God presented me with an opportunity to grow, there was a moment of letting something go. And, boy, did I love whatever He was asking me to let go of. Sometimes, He asked me to let go of something tangible, but more often it seems He asked me to let go of things like my control.

Almost 10 years ago, God asked me to TRUST Him and to say yes to working for our church. It was a pretty simple job, where all I had to do was edit and prepare lessons for our elementary school ministry. I let go (a little) of my fear and lack of confidence and said yes... Only a few months later, He asked me to trust Him more by presenting the Nursery Director job to me. And, again, I let go of a little more fear and said yes. With each yes I said, there was excitement and nerves and I still am not sure how the old me ever said yes.

Within just a few more months, I sat in the office of the then Senior Pastor expressing concerns for a very small ministry within our church. My plan: I let him know there was an issue and he finds someone to help them. The Senior Pastor's (and apparently God's) plan: I was the someone to help them. I didn't go in thinking I would be a part of the solution. I certainly didn't go in with the idea of helping our Special Needs Ministry. But, the Senior Pastor said so, and so I did.

Over the next 9 years, a lot happened, both personally and on the job. I stepped into many roles at the church, but never out of the role within the Special Needs Ministry. During that time, God kept placing in front of me new challenges, hard conversations, battles to be fought. There was nothing to do but to grow. As our ministry grew and became able::life, I needed to walk away from other things. Things I loved. As my boys grew and their needs changed, I had to give up things I didn't always want to give up. There were these sad moments mixed with pure excitement for what was coming next. Those bittersweet moments always found their way into my journey.

And here I am, almost a decade later, facing a very large bittersweet growth moment. God said it was time to step down from able::life. He has promised something new is on the horizon for me... Something I have yet to see or understand. But He has promised it's there. As I said my goodbyes this past Sunday, so many memories came flooding back. I could remember the first day I met each family. I could  remember the trials and the joys and everything that God had done within the ministry as well as with the people looking in. It broke my heart to walk out the doors, and yet, there was an excitement bubbling up knowing that God has something waiting for me.

I don't know what He's going to do with me next, but I know that God will not waste the growth over this past decade. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I'm not even the same person I was 10 months ago. I will continue to grow, continue to seek His will, continue to let go even when it's hard. I will continue to sit in the bittersweet moments and see what God has done and what He will do.

A Year of Growth

It's here... The end of another school year is upon the Schussler household. We are excited to tackle the Summer and all that it will bring! Our annual beach vacation, friends, swimming, hiking... There are so many things planned!

This school year brought a lot of obstacles and a lot of growth. Watching the boys become young men has left with a mixed bag of emotions. I am sad to see my babies are no longer babies. The cuteness has faded. Even our youngest, who is turning 9 in August, no longer has the "cute" factor he once did. Rather, they are all handsome. They are all looking more like young adults, more like their dad everyday.

I'm left feeling nervous about what's next for them. It's not easy being 9, 10, 11, and 13. There are so many life lessons they will learn over the next coming years, and I'm worried that I won't have the tools needed to help them through these lessons. They'll have so many experiences, good and bad, and there's this fear of mine that I'm going to somehow mess them up on their journeys.

There's also a level of excitement! It's been so exciting to watch them each find their niche. Benjamin is still plucking away at guitar. He's finding his love for worship, and we can his passion shine through. Tyler has found a good group of friends that love the things he loves. Patrick has become a leader at church, leading a small group of 1st graders and helping to run tech. And then there's Zachary... He has found his passion for music, which in turn has given the two of us a way to bond. Rather than just sharing our hot headedness and fiery temperament, we also share a love for playing instruments and listening to classical music.

I think the biggest thing I feel is pride... I am so unbelievably proud of our four boys! They have embraced life, and all that comes with it, and they strive to do their best. Our Benjamin takes on life with a positive and encouraging attitude, always there to make others feel better. He loves God, he loves his family, and he loves people in general. There isn't a day that goes by that he isn't building someone up, befriending the friendless, or reminding us of how much we are loved.

We have watched Zachary mature in so many ways this year. He works harder, is more focused, and definitely more patient with those around him. He is more caring and aware of what others are feeling. He has faced times where he could have easily been cocky and boastful, but has always chosen to be humble and kind. It has been fun to watch him use his gifts to teach others how to do what he does. I can see him being a teacher someday...

Tyler also has had quite a year of growth. He has worked so hard to overcome the obstacles that come with being on the spectrum. He has built friendships that go deeper than just surface level. He has strived to be less fearful and embrace new things with a sense of adventure. He has intentionally spent more time with animals so he can be less afraid of them. Everyday I can see him taking bolder steps, more mature steps. He's heading off to Middle School in the Fall, and he could not be more excited!! He is definitely going to rock 6th grade!

And then there's Patrick... He's turning 13 this Summer. My first born will be a teenager, and my heart couldn't be more proud of the young man he is becoming. He is kind and loving, funny and quirky, passionate, sarcastic, and an all around great guy. This year was hard for him, as Middle School seems to be for everyone. There have been a lot of life lessons, some easier than others. In the midst of school stuff, he's been trying to find his identity, to define who he wants to be. He is learning that his actions do NOT define who he is and that even when he fails, he is still the amazing person we know and love. With each step he takes, he is embracing more of who God made him, becoming more confident in himself, while never taking his eyes off of the important things in life. And, when he's not busy dealing with his own junk, he is right there helping support and love his brothers as they go through their junk. Our other boys could not have asked for a better big brother!

This school year has brought so many things... but the biggest thing is definitely growth. Between their emotion growth and maturity and their physical growth, the growing pains have definitely been outweighed by the amazing people they are becoming. God has blessed me and our family with some awesome boys, and I am excited to see what this Summer will bring!!!

Facing Depression Head On

This is going to be a very vulnerable and raw post... It's on a topic I have wanted to write about for a while, but could never muster up enough courage to do so. You see, I struggle with depression. Deep, painful depression that rears it's ugly head when I least expect it. It's something that has been a part of my life since I was quite young. Although it has been a part of me for most of my life, it has never been a part of me that I have wanted to share. I am embarrassed... I am afraid... And I am worried that the façade of strength that I put up will be shattered and people will only see weakness in me. But, I need to talk about it. I need for this to not be a taboo topic. I need to let others who might be feeling how I feel know they are not alone. Because right now, I feel alone.

When I was in Middle School, depression crept into my life, changing how I viewed life. Despite having a wonderful family that loved me, an upbringing in a great church, and a good life, I found myself feeling empty. Some days I couldn't describe what I was feeling because I wasn't sure I was feeling anything. It grew to a point where I wasn't sure life was worth living... But, my parents saw it and they took me to an amazing counselor. She taught me tools to help me move forward. She gave me words for the things I was feeling. Seeing her changed the trajectory of my life.

But, the depression didn't leave me forever. It came back, over and over again. Each time, taking a piece of me away with it. It came during tough times, like transitions in high school and college. It also came in great times that should have been celebrated. It came back whenever it felt like it, never giving me warning that it was coming.

As an adult, it feels harder to face the depression when it comes. I have built up this idea in my head that depression is my weakness, my kryptonite. I have never seen it that way in anybody else, but for me, my inability to push through and be strong leaves me feeling so terribly disappointed in myself. As the ebb and flow of depression hits, I find myself hiding from the rest of the world. I put on the strong, happy façade and wait alone for it to subside again. How can I explain to those around me that although my life is wonderful, I can't muster up the joy and excitement I should have? How do openly share the feelings of emptiness that I have without sounding ungrateful for what I have?

So, through the years, I have battled depression on my own, only letting my husband and maybe my parents see the struggle. But even then, I'm not sure I was ever fully honest. My silence came at a price... It has led me to feel isolated, misunderstood and alone. None of those feelings ever helps depression. It only feeds into it. God and I have spent hours together, with me pleading for him to fix me, to take this away from me.

Over the past several months, my depression came on full force. The small, nagging little moments of blah have turned into a deep, painful emptiness once again. Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. The couch and I became one... I didn't sleep well. I ate all the things I shouldn't eat, and in large doses.

I would love to say that this time was situational, that some thing or things triggered it. But, when it hit, there was nothing different. I was living a great life with a loving husband, amazing boys, a good job and a business that was succeeding. No trauma, no real stress (besides normal day to day stuff), no big event. The depression came for no reason. As I left it there, unaddressed, it became bigger and bigger. It began to interfere with day to day life. My motivation was gone, and the once super productive me turned into a blob on the couch. I would do what had to be done, I would go where I had to go. I had no other options, but to keep doing what had to be done. My guys were depending on me.

What I didn't do right away was reach out... I didn't reach out to my closest friends. I didn't talk about what was going on. I was ashamed to say that I had succumbed to depression yet again. I was afraid someone would roll their eyes at me and say, "UGH! Again?" The reality is that NONE of that would have happened. Those closest to me would have wrapped their arms around me, prayed with me, and would have just loved on me. My fears, my perceptions were just that... MINE. I allowed myself to believe things that weren't true. I denied the people I love the most the opportunity to love me and support me when I needed them most.

I can tell you now that I am in the upswing of things... I started on medication to help me, as well as processing and talking with those who can help me. This morning I said to my husband that I am actually starting to feel like myself again. 

As I am beginning to feel more like myself, I am coming to the realization that my journey, even the ugly parts, should be shared. Partly for me, but partly for those who might feel as I do. Depression is ugly, mean, and down right dirty. It doesn't play fair. It's end goal is to diminish the people that we are for no reason but because it can. The only way to beat it, the only way to one-up it, is to be honest about it. We can't fight things we aren't willing to address. Others can't help us fight when they don't know.

It's hard, people. Really hard. The emptiness, the pain, the loneliness can all feel too hard to bear. But we serve a loving God who promises to always be there, even in the depths of despair. He provides us a loving community to support us, to love on us, and to speak the truth when we can no longer feel it. He also provides us professionals who can work through the junk in a way that family and friends cannot. He even provides the scientific break throughs that bring us medication to help when talking isn't enough.

We aren't alone in this... EVER.

Being Lost

It's been over a week since the last time I had any quiet time, and I have to tell you, this first moment of peace feels AMAZING! Over the last week and a half, our household was hit with the stomach bug. I was very blessed to not have gotten it, as well as our youngest son, but it was rough! Everyone seems to be recovered and I have finally put away our "bucket". The house has been cleaned, sanitized, and cleaned again. And, with the warm weather we are expecting today, I can even open up the windows to air out our house! It will be a glorious day!

As I sit here in the first quiet moment in a while, there are so many things I am thinking and feeling. My heart feels heavy today, my head jumbled. It was a tough week, but to be honest, it was a good distraction from the underlying stuff I've been processing over the last few months. It was nice to not be deep in the junk for a little while.

You see, I am lost... I don't know where I am going or what God wants me to be doing. And, I have been in that place for a few months now. I KNOW it was time for me to resign. But, I don't know what's next. I KNOW God has a plan for me. But, I don't know what it is. And it leaves me feeling lost. It's hard and painful and ugly. I had ideas in my head about what things would look like, how they would go, and I was wrong about it all! It has been harder than I ever could have imagined. But at the same time, I am learning it is needed.

I am learning that being lost is okay. A season of unknowns allows for a lot of growth and discovery, trust and faith. In the past two months, I have learned a lot about myself, things I wouldn't have learned without the hard, uncomfortable moments. And I am discovering that there is still more to learn before moving forward. A person cannot find their dreams unless they know who they are. Not just KNOW, but be comfortable and confident in who they are. That is yet to be me...

I really didn't know who I was, besides being a wife and mom. Even with that role, I never saw what others saw. I saw an extremely flawed Mama who half the time barely feels like we're all surviving. But, what my husband, my boys, and those around me saw (and still see) is a strong, caring, patient Mama who tries her hardest.

My perspective of myself in every role I have had left me feeling ill-equipped, not enough, flawed... I have always felt that pretty much anyone could do better than me. It's something I have struggled with for as long as can remember. But in this time of being lost, I am actually finding myself. I am digging deep and finding my way out of the junk I buried myself in. And I know that when I find myself, the next steps will be clearer.

It's a hard place to be right now... and yet, it has been an amazing time of discovery. There have been lots of tears, lots of heartache, and a good bit of anger. But there's also been wonderful "aha" moments, filled with truth and love. As I continue to be in this place of unknowns, there is a sense of HOPE that gives me the strength to keep pressing on.

I've had glimmers of what might be next. For the first time in a very long time, I've had ideas and dreams of what I might want to do. Some are small things, but one thing in particular is pretty big and it will require me to believe in myself. And so, I stay in this place. I dig. I fight. I cry. I cling to God with everything in me. None of this time will be wasted. A year, two years, 10 years from now, I want to look back and know that I did not waste this opportunity. I want to look back with gratitude for this time.

For now, I am lost. But it won't be forever. It never is. And when the next steps are shown to me, I will be confidently ready to take them. God knows what He is doing, even if I don't.

Change is Inevitable (and UNCOMFORTABLE)

We are only 5 days away from Christmas! Our house is buzzing with very excited boys! The majority of presents are wrapped, the tree has been up and decorated for a month, the Christmas sign orders have been delivered, and all that is left is to bake the goodies. Oh, how I love to bake!! I turn on my favorite Christmas music and bake the day away!

Christmas feels a little easier this year. Last year, we were all still shaken by the loss of my brother in law, and it was challenging to find the joy in the midst of events. This year, although we all still miss him, we have found a bit more joy and excitement for the season. I personally would be perfectly content if we just stayed in this moment for a few months... If we stay in December, I won't have to face the changes that are coming in January. But, no one has figured out how to stop time, so change is inevitable.

I am typically a fan of change in small doses. I like changing up the arrangement of furniture, or my hair style, or what foods to eat. But, as I get older, I am becoming less open to BIG life altering changes. The unknowns send me into a small tizzy and all I want is to keep things exactly as they are.

But, life isn't controllable like that. The tighter we hold on to what control we think we have, the more anxious we become. And so, as 2019 is rapidly approaching, I am trying to remain calm and remember that God's got this...

Back in November, after much prayer and discussion with my family, I chose to resign as the Director of our Special Needs ministry at our church. It wasn't an easy decision, but I felt God was saying it was time. I was confident that it was time to empower someone else to lead the ministry, to care for the families and ministry partners, and to pour into the children and teens that attend. I have offered to stay on until the right person was found to replace me so there is no "end date" just yet.

The decision to step down was hard, but I'm learning the next steps are even harder. I have worked at the church for 9 years. It is home to me. Even though I was in several different roles during my time there, ultimately my job was the same. Minister to families. Build up Ministry Partners. Grow the ministry. And now, I am stepping out into a world I haven't been in for a long time.

My goal is to sub at our boys' elementary school starting in January. The hours fit what I need, there's flexibility, and I get to work with some really cool people. When I was in college, I originally wanted to become a teacher, so here I am, almost, sort of becoming a teacher. But, I am scared!!! What if I'm not good at it? What if the kids don't respond well to me? What if I can't follow through with what the teachers want for the day? If find myself getting all in a tizzy about the unknowns, which then causes me to question things even more.

With the job change, we are also going to have budget changes, which we aren't exactly sure what that will look like just yet because I don't know exactly how much I'll make because I won't know exactly how many days I will work. We have been in a budgeting groove for several years now, and it's driving me crazy to not know EXACTLY what the numbers look like. I KNOW we will be perfectly fine, as we have worked hard to be financially stable, but the unknown details are driving me crazy!

In January, I will also be taking a year and a half long class on Spiritual Exercises through our church. Having seen my husband and friends go through this class, I know that I am in for a deep, long walk where I'll get to know both God and myself a whole lot better and deeper. My hope while on this journey is to find what God wants from me and what my next steps will be.

Change is coming. It's inevitable. And, for me (as well as many other people), change is uncomfortable. There's the excitement, but it's mixed with trepidation and out right fear sometimes. My January has more unknowns than knowns, and I can only trust in HIM to take each step. He knows what's next. He knows how He will use me. He knows how everything will work out. As I find myself feeling lost, as long as I stay focused on Him, I will find my way.

But, for now, I am going to focus on December and all of the excitement that comes with the Christmas season. I will sing the songs, bake the goodies, and celebrate with my family. For, the same God that knew how to save the whole world can certainly guide my steps in my little world.

Merry Christmas to you all! May you feel God's presence and love this season!!

I See You

It's September! Fall is supposed to be coming soon! Many people look forward to the Pumpkin Spice flavored everything, but that isn't at all what I love about Fall. I love the crisp air, the crunchy leaves, and wearing sweaters and boots. It's pretty much the only time of year that I feel "cute" in my clothing!

It's been busy here at the Schussler household as we have adjusted to the new school year, added business stuff and work stuff. The boys are settled into their new routine, as well as Kevin adjusting to his new students. And, well, here I am, just trying to figure out how I want my days to look. I've been more emotional and a little lost, but I'm definitely getting there!

I'd like to say my emotional self is from missing the boys or being sad about them growing up. But, it's not. I am THRILLED that they are growing into such wonderful people!!! Being emotional over children growing up seems to be an "okay" and acceptable reason... But, no, my emotional self is being driven by feelings of being unseen, unnoticed, misunderstood. And, well, it's nonsense... I know in my head it's not true. But my feelings seem to not care much for what my head says!

I was watching a show with the boys the other day, and one of the hosts of the show yells out to one of the contestants, "I see you! I see you working hard! Keep trying! I see you!" Suddenly, I am sitting with tears streaming down my face, wishing someone was yelling that at me. I found myself longing for those around me to be like that host... "Kristen, I see you! I see how hard you're trying! I see you!"

Here's the thing, even IF no one in the entire world saw me (which isn't true), God does. And sometimes, that has to be enough. Because the God that is busy caring for the ENTIRE world also sees ME. He sees me and knows my struggles. He sees how hard I try to not be knocked down by challenges. He sees me fighting everyday to make it a GOOD day, no matter what gets thrown my way. He sees my tears, my laughter, my pain, my joy, ALL OF IT. No matter how alone I feel, how unseen I feel, HE IS THERE.

It's so easy for us as humans to get wrapped up in life and to feel unnoticed. It's even easier for us moms to feel unseen, and well, unappreciated. But I am learning that we are seen and definitely appreciated. Not just by God, but by those around us. God has placed amazing people in our lives who absolutely see us. Not just the outer us, but the inner us. The us that we don't easily show. Take a moment and remember that even if they aren't saying "I see you", they DO see you. And in case you haven't heard it recently (because we all need to hear it), I SEE YOU.

For those moms who haven't slept in months and can't remember what day it is: I see you. For the dads who are desperately trying to support their emotional wives: I see you. For the single parents juggling more than they should have to: I see you. For the teachers who work so hard to make their classrooms a safe place for children: I see you. For those who are suffering loss and pain: I see you. For those who are working towards goals, but might not be reaching them as fast as you'd like: I see you. For people who are just trying to find their place on this crazy earth: I see you.

I see YOU. I see how God is using you, working in you, growing you. I see how much you mean to those around you and how you play an integral part in your home and community.

Not only do we need to hear it, but we are called to say it... Make sure you are telling those around you that you see them, appreciate them, value them. We are called to encourage and raise people up. And "I see you" is a wonderful way to start.

Finding my dream...

It's almost here! School is almost here!! The boys will return to the structured life they love, with their friends and their learning! Life will return to some semblance of normalcy, and I will find myself enjoying quiet time again! To say that we are excited is an understatement!

We really are looking forward to what this year will bring. Patrick is striving for straight As this year. Tyler plans to be more involved at school (and to not blow away at recess). Zachary is working towards a perfect score on the PSSAs and to be on the Academic Bowl team like his big brothers. Ben cannot wait to be back in class with his friend Michael and to master power chords on guitar. And I am looking forward to a little less chaos everyday.

But, there's a part of me that is rather nervous about this new school year. Not because of the boys, as I know they will do amazing! I'm nervous because I have decided to be intentional about discovering more about myself. In January, I will be participating in a year and a half long class at church that will help me learn to be more connected to God and to be more connected to the person God has created me to be. It's pretty cool stuff, but having watched Kevin go through the class, I know I am in for some hard conversations with God and with myself.

There will also be a lot more intentionality in seeking out what I want for myself, what goals I want to set, what dreams I want to pursue (and what my dreams actually are)... When I was little, all I wanted to be was a wife and a mom. I never really thought about anything else. I went to college because I was told it was a good choice, but really, all I wanted was to be married and to have children. I am "living the dream" as Kevin reminds me often. But I know there's more in store for me now that the boys are older and a whole lot more independent and self-sufficient.

Here I am "living the dream" with my wonderful boys and loving husband!

My husband and I were talking the other day about how neat it is that friends of ours are pursuing their dreams. We were talking about how some of our friends are pursuing college, some pursuing career changes, some starting/continuing their dream businesses.  We talked about how awesome it is that my husband is working his dream job as a teacher. The conversation then turned to what my dreams are. What would be my dream job? What do I want to pursue? And, honestly, I had no answer... I don't know what my dream job would be. I don't really know what I want to do. I have spent so much of my time focused on helping Kevin find and pursue his dreams, and helping the boys to grow and mature and flourish, that somehow I have neglected to really think about what I REALLY want to do.

I kind of feel like the character Maggie from Runaway Bride, who can't even tell you her favorite way to prepare eggs... The boys ask me what my favorites are: favorite movie, favorite song, favorite food. And the more they ask, the more I realize I don't really know. I know my favorite ice cream, which if we're being totally honest, is crucial to life. But I am realizing how much I don't know about myself.

With the copious amount of quiet time I will be enjoying this school year, I want to discover myself. I want to find out what my favorite things are. I want to spend time dreaming. I want to be able to confidently say I am pursuing what I am called to do. And along the way, I hope to inspire other moms to do the same.

Mommyness is hard. It's easy to get wrapped up in the lives of our children. As a wife, it's so easy to be your husband's cheerleader and so difficult to find the energy to cheer for ourselves. We need to stay connected to the person inside us NOT called Mom (because we truly do have a real name other than Mom). We need to find ways to dream, even in the midst of the sleepless nights and LONG days. OUR dreams are just as important. OUR time to grow and flourish isn't AFTER our children have grown, but WHILE they are growing. The more we grow as individuals, the so much better we will be as Mom and wife and all of the other titles we wear. 

It is definitely going to be a wonderful and crazy year, and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us!