In the past few weeks, I have been spending many moments reflecting on this past year as well as my life as a whole. At our All Staff Meetings twice a month, people on our staff have been sharing their "story". This has been such a blessing to hear how God has shaped the people I work with. At some point, it will be my turn to share my story, which has led me to spend a good bit of time reflecting.
Of course, with 2012 rapidly coming to an end, it is even easier for me to get wrapped up in reflection... More so, I find myself thinking about what I will do differently for 2013. I am NOT one for New Year's resolutions. I know myself well enough to know that I would never stick with it. By February, I am typically back to how I was before.
There are tons of things I COULD resolve to do. There are things about myself that could definitely use some change... My nails would be very grateful if I could stop biting them. If I let go of my fear of wearing bright colors I might have a better wardrobe. And, if I could change my over-the-top love for caramel creams to just an infrequent like, I might just lose the last few baby pounds.
But, for me, I am not motivated to change any of those. I am not uncomfortable enough to put forth the effort needed to stop nail-biting, wearing dull colors, and I am certainly not even close to being uncomfortable enough to change my obsession with caramel creams. BUT, what I have realized is there is an aspect of me that needs to change NOW. In fact, it's something that should have changed YEARS and YEARS ago...
For as long as I can remember, I have allowed my life to be run by my self-doubt. No matter what I was doing, no matter what was asked of me, my self-doubt has kept me from fully reaching my potential. I have never allowed myself to believe that I was really good at anything. Compliments went in one ear and out the other. I would tell myself that people were just being polite.
One of the things that sticks out my mind the most is how in middle school and high school I played flute in the band. I was good, so said my parents and band directors and other band members. I sat 1st chair for the majority of my time in the band. I auditioned for All South Jersey twice and All State New Mexico once. And each time, I fell 2 people shy of making the band. Looking back, I could have made it each time. I could have played with some of the top band members in the state (meaning, I could have been one of the top band members in the state), but something happened with each audition. When I walked into the room, rather than allowing myself to believe I belonged there, I did the exact opposite. I told myself I was crazy for even thinking I could compare with the other flutists. Over and over I would tell myself I didn't belong there. And, if that wasn't enough, I would then tell myself that even if I did make it, I could never really keep up in a band that great.
I think about those auditions often. I think about what could have been. What if I had believed my parents and band directors? What if I truly thought I could do what everyone said I could do? I probably would have made it every time I auditioned. I mean, I was only 2 people away when I told myself I couldn't do it... Saying I COULD do it might have led me down a wonderful musical road.
I can't change my band days. I can't change the "what ifs" from over a decade ago. BUT, I can re-evaluate how I think today. God has created me to be a certain way. He has gifted me with talents and skills that not everyone has. And, it's time I embrace that. If I let go of the self-doubt, if I stop telling myself I can't do it or that others can do it better than me, I CAN make a difference. I CAN reach the potential God has for me.
Now, there are tons of things I will never be good at (performing surgery would be one of those things). There are definitely things that others can do better than me, such as acting and singing. But those are not God given dreams or desires of mine. God hasn't placed those things on my heart. The talents and skills He has given me definitely line up with the desires of my heart. If I embark on what God has set on my heart to do, then I am going to do well. If I go into the "auditions" of life telling myself I am right where I should be and can do whatever lays ahead, then I will not only succeed, but will excel. I just have to shut off the doubts and allow myself to believe that I can be that good.
We all have doubts. Especially when we are asked to do things that seem bigger than us. Moses doubted whether he was the right man for the job when God asked him to go to Pharoah. BUT, he chose to trust God and do it anyway. Mary doubted whether God had chosen the right girl to carry and raise HIS son, but she chose to trust God and was a wonderful mother of Jesus. Doubt itself is not necessarily wrong. LIVING in that doubt and never trusting what God wants of you is not only wrong, but can be devastating.
What in your life is God asking you to do, but you keep holding yourself back? As hard as it is, step out of your own way and let yourself reach the potential He has set for you... That's my plan for the coming year, and for the rest of my life!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
I am ME...
I have been struggling the last several weeks (okay, for years, but especially these past weeks) to be okay with who I am. I have lost sight of the great qualities God has given me and spend my days focused on what I do NOT have. For instance, I do not have the ability to make a room laugh (unless of course I have done something absolutely stupid, like slip and fall!) I cannot sing well enough to be on the worship team (or really even to to sing with my boys, according to our 3 year old.) I am not creative when cooking dinner. Sorry, boys, I will NOT be making your hot dogs look like an octopus!
The list could go on and on about the things I wish I had compared to other people. And, for me, when I say "things" I don't mean money or stuff. I mean qualities and traits and personalities. The more time I interact with people, the more I realize I desire to be someone that I am not.
This can never be more true than when it comes to me being a Mama. There is a list longer than my arm of ways I could be different as a Mama. Everything from the way I pray with the boys to the way I feed them breakfast. I often wonder if my oldest wishes I were different, now that he is seeing how other moms are. Does he realize other moms actually spend hours playing with their kids? Does he know that other children get warm pancakes with syrup for breakfast before heading off to school? Does he think that other moms actually remember everybody's name in the house?
I can easily spend my days getting lost in what I am not, and who I wish I could be. BUT, God doesn't want that for me. He created me a certain way... flaws and all! And, He gives me moments of reality that remind me that I am who I am because He wanted it that way.
The other night I was working from home, trying to prepare for our new school year. Patrick (our oldest) had come to me asking if I would come play with his pirate ship with him. I told him no, and explained that although I would love to play with him I had to get work done. (ENTER "MAMA" GUILT HERE.) He was crushed. In his world, I chose work over him. (This is a moment when I wish I were like other moms who don't have to bring home work.) He left the room in tears and I definitely felt like a bad mommy. I went to him a little later and talked with him about what happened. I told him I was sorry that I couldn't play with him. His response: "It's okay, Mama. I know you love me, even if you don't play with me."
There it was. The reminder I needed. My son KNOWS I love him. He knows I love him even when I am not doing what other moms might do. It doesn't matter that I don't necessarily brush my kids hair in the morning or create tents to play in everynight. As long as my children know that I love them, then I am doing something right.
Although I would love to say, "I promise to never, EVER compare myself to other moms or co-workers or random strangers", I know I would fail within a day! BUT, if I keep my eyes on who God wants me to be, created me to be, I can spend more of my time embracing who I am rather than who I wish I were. God will continue to send me reminders (sometimes in the form of a 2x4) that I am wonderfully created, and I don't need to be anybody but ME.
The list could go on and on about the things I wish I had compared to other people. And, for me, when I say "things" I don't mean money or stuff. I mean qualities and traits and personalities. The more time I interact with people, the more I realize I desire to be someone that I am not.
This can never be more true than when it comes to me being a Mama. There is a list longer than my arm of ways I could be different as a Mama. Everything from the way I pray with the boys to the way I feed them breakfast. I often wonder if my oldest wishes I were different, now that he is seeing how other moms are. Does he realize other moms actually spend hours playing with their kids? Does he know that other children get warm pancakes with syrup for breakfast before heading off to school? Does he think that other moms actually remember everybody's name in the house?
I can easily spend my days getting lost in what I am not, and who I wish I could be. BUT, God doesn't want that for me. He created me a certain way... flaws and all! And, He gives me moments of reality that remind me that I am who I am because He wanted it that way.
The other night I was working from home, trying to prepare for our new school year. Patrick (our oldest) had come to me asking if I would come play with his pirate ship with him. I told him no, and explained that although I would love to play with him I had to get work done. (ENTER "MAMA" GUILT HERE.) He was crushed. In his world, I chose work over him. (This is a moment when I wish I were like other moms who don't have to bring home work.) He left the room in tears and I definitely felt like a bad mommy. I went to him a little later and talked with him about what happened. I told him I was sorry that I couldn't play with him. His response: "It's okay, Mama. I know you love me, even if you don't play with me."
There it was. The reminder I needed. My son KNOWS I love him. He knows I love him even when I am not doing what other moms might do. It doesn't matter that I don't necessarily brush my kids hair in the morning or create tents to play in everynight. As long as my children know that I love them, then I am doing something right.
Although I would love to say, "I promise to never, EVER compare myself to other moms or co-workers or random strangers", I know I would fail within a day! BUT, if I keep my eyes on who God wants me to be, created me to be, I can spend more of my time embracing who I am rather than who I wish I were. God will continue to send me reminders (sometimes in the form of a 2x4) that I am wonderfully created, and I don't need to be anybody but ME.
Monday, July 23, 2012
TRUST
Somewhere along the way, between my last post and today, I have had some of the happiest, proudest moments possible as a mom,wife, and Christian. I also have had some of the saddest, frustrating, and overall yuckiest moments as a mom, wife, and Christian. Today, I sit here typing wondering if TODAY is the ugliest moment as a Christian I have had in a long time... With tears streaming down my face and a strong urge to throw something, I am sure that God is sitting there, waiting for my temper tantrum to be done, so He can once again assure me that HIS plan is better than mine. And, in my head, I KNOW 100% His plan is better than mine. My heart, in it's million pieces, is not quite connected to my head...
Jeremiah 29:11-13 is something I have held on to for as long as I can remember. " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' " I know this is true... He has proven it time and time again. I find myself wondering WHAT His plans are for me and unfortunately, He doesn't always share everything with me.
A week ago, Kevin came to me expressing how a 4 month old baby girl may need a home... Of course, I said "YES". This baby girl was born addicted to drugs, sent home to be with her grandparents, as her mother was mandated to clean up and get a job before the courts could consider trusting her to have custody. Last week, the mother refused the required drug test, causing the grandparents to gain temporary full custody. The hope of the grandfather (and of us) was that the courts would allow for us to adopt her. The grandfather is a co-worker of Kevin's and knew not only would we raise her well, but would allow him what he wants the most: to be her grandfather. We found out today that IF there's even talk of adoption, the mother's family would gain custody. And, NO ONE wants that for this precious baby. So, she will stay right where she is, in the loving arms of her grandparents...
Now, for anyone who knows me, my heart for children, especially children with special needs, is GINORMOUS. Within a matter of seconds, I had completely fallen in love with her and with the idea of bringing her into our family. I am saddened deeply by the fact that we will not be able to adopt her. More so, I am unsure of what part this all plays in God's plan for us. We WANT to adopt, and we know God will place the right child(ren) in our lives at the right time. And for the 2nd time in only a couple of years, God has given us an opportunity to say yes to bring a child(ren) into our home. Both times, we said, "yes." And both times, nothing more came of it.
It seems lately that there are many areas that God has asked me to say yes to Him, without actually following through with what I said yes to. And, as frustrating and saddening these times have been, I have to TRUST that God has something planned for me that I cannot see or even fathom. I have to trust the unseen and the unknown, but the unknown is scary to me. More scary than anything else. I am a planner, an organizer... I am wired to problem solve and to see all the possible paths and outcomes... But, God doesn't work that way. I can't go much past today in planning. I can't possibly know what paths to look at, and certainly cannot foresee the outcomes. All I can do is focus on right now and TRUST that He knows what He's doing. I have to trust that His plans are not to hurt me, but to shape me. They are not to bring me down, but to build me up. And, they are certainly not intended to make me lose hope in Him. Rather, His plans are a fulfillment of His hope and grace for me.
Life never happens the way we expect it to. I can list a dozen people who are facing that reality this very second, whether it's due to cancer, job issues, the loss of a family member, or just having to WAIT on God. But, what I hold on to more than I hold to anything in this world is the promise that God has a plan. I may throw my temper tantrums, and I may wonder what His plan is... But, I ALWAYS know His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine. I just have to TRUST Him... And remember to not stand in His way!
Jeremiah 29:11-13 is something I have held on to for as long as I can remember. " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' " I know this is true... He has proven it time and time again. I find myself wondering WHAT His plans are for me and unfortunately, He doesn't always share everything with me.
A week ago, Kevin came to me expressing how a 4 month old baby girl may need a home... Of course, I said "YES". This baby girl was born addicted to drugs, sent home to be with her grandparents, as her mother was mandated to clean up and get a job before the courts could consider trusting her to have custody. Last week, the mother refused the required drug test, causing the grandparents to gain temporary full custody. The hope of the grandfather (and of us) was that the courts would allow for us to adopt her. The grandfather is a co-worker of Kevin's and knew not only would we raise her well, but would allow him what he wants the most: to be her grandfather. We found out today that IF there's even talk of adoption, the mother's family would gain custody. And, NO ONE wants that for this precious baby. So, she will stay right where she is, in the loving arms of her grandparents...
Now, for anyone who knows me, my heart for children, especially children with special needs, is GINORMOUS. Within a matter of seconds, I had completely fallen in love with her and with the idea of bringing her into our family. I am saddened deeply by the fact that we will not be able to adopt her. More so, I am unsure of what part this all plays in God's plan for us. We WANT to adopt, and we know God will place the right child(ren) in our lives at the right time. And for the 2nd time in only a couple of years, God has given us an opportunity to say yes to bring a child(ren) into our home. Both times, we said, "yes." And both times, nothing more came of it.
It seems lately that there are many areas that God has asked me to say yes to Him, without actually following through with what I said yes to. And, as frustrating and saddening these times have been, I have to TRUST that God has something planned for me that I cannot see or even fathom. I have to trust the unseen and the unknown, but the unknown is scary to me. More scary than anything else. I am a planner, an organizer... I am wired to problem solve and to see all the possible paths and outcomes... But, God doesn't work that way. I can't go much past today in planning. I can't possibly know what paths to look at, and certainly cannot foresee the outcomes. All I can do is focus on right now and TRUST that He knows what He's doing. I have to trust that His plans are not to hurt me, but to shape me. They are not to bring me down, but to build me up. And, they are certainly not intended to make me lose hope in Him. Rather, His plans are a fulfillment of His hope and grace for me.
Life never happens the way we expect it to. I can list a dozen people who are facing that reality this very second, whether it's due to cancer, job issues, the loss of a family member, or just having to WAIT on God. But, what I hold on to more than I hold to anything in this world is the promise that God has a plan. I may throw my temper tantrums, and I may wonder what His plan is... But, I ALWAYS know His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine. I just have to TRUST Him... And remember to not stand in His way!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The Effort Pays Off
Since Tyler was 14 months old, we have had therapists in our house at least twice a week... We have had therapy balls, theraputty, weighted pressure vests, and a whole gammat of other therapy items strewn about our house. We have had to be intentional about everything. And, when I say everything, I mean EVERY THING. From keeping to a schedule, to talking to Tyler (and now Benjamin) a very specific way, to even intentionally breaking from routine. We have had to be "intentionally spontaneous" with Tyler and with Ben to teach them that changes happen. When interacting with either boy, there is a constant thought of "how can this be a learning opportunity?" Sometimes, it's more of a thought of "how will this affect the next goal or step?"
Being intentional is TOUGH! It's tiresome. Sometimes, I just want to go through a day and not have to think. There are moments that I wonder if the work, the effort is really worth it. Especially when it feels like Ben isn't making progress or Tyler seems to be regressing some. BUT, when I hit that moment of being unsure, God blesses me with a glimpse into WHY I do what I do.
For instance, yesterday Benjamin climbed up into one of the kitchen chairs, grabbed a sippy cup off the table, and then proceeded to walk into the living room. At first, I thought he was going to drink it, but instead, he took it to Zachary and handed it to him, while saying "Zachary"! Two days ago, I swore that Ben had no idea who any of his brothers were. He barely acknowledges them or me or Kevin. The moment he gave the cup to Zachary, I realized he's getting it! That moment gave me enough confirmation to keep on doing the hard work.
There have been other times when it has been made clear to me why my intentionality is worth the effort... Tyler's amazing progress these past 3 years is definitely worth the effort! He went from being non-verbal, non-social, and miserable, to being a chattery social butterfly who is typically happy and silly! Had Kevin and I chosen to not do the work, Tyler would most likely still be where he was 3 years ago...
Intentionality is not just for those with Special Needs children. It's for everyone. God asks us to be intentional with our lives. The decisions we make, the paths we journey on are all times when we should be purposeful. Even small decisions, such as whether or not we should buy those awesome sandals, should be dealt with intentionality, as it affects something bigger (like our wallets!). How we interact with people, whether a friend from church or a stranger at the bank, has an impact on our lives. How we react to bad service at a restaurant or a driver who has cut us off is a reflection of who we are and the God we serve. And God wants us to be aware of that... He wants us to choose our words carefully. He wants us to reflect HIS love and grace. We can't do that unless we are intentional about the things we say and do.
It's hard work being intentional... But, the effort pays off! Tyler and Benjamin are proof of that!
Being intentional is TOUGH! It's tiresome. Sometimes, I just want to go through a day and not have to think. There are moments that I wonder if the work, the effort is really worth it. Especially when it feels like Ben isn't making progress or Tyler seems to be regressing some. BUT, when I hit that moment of being unsure, God blesses me with a glimpse into WHY I do what I do.
For instance, yesterday Benjamin climbed up into one of the kitchen chairs, grabbed a sippy cup off the table, and then proceeded to walk into the living room. At first, I thought he was going to drink it, but instead, he took it to Zachary and handed it to him, while saying "Zachary"! Two days ago, I swore that Ben had no idea who any of his brothers were. He barely acknowledges them or me or Kevin. The moment he gave the cup to Zachary, I realized he's getting it! That moment gave me enough confirmation to keep on doing the hard work.
There have been other times when it has been made clear to me why my intentionality is worth the effort... Tyler's amazing progress these past 3 years is definitely worth the effort! He went from being non-verbal, non-social, and miserable, to being a chattery social butterfly who is typically happy and silly! Had Kevin and I chosen to not do the work, Tyler would most likely still be where he was 3 years ago...
Intentionality is not just for those with Special Needs children. It's for everyone. God asks us to be intentional with our lives. The decisions we make, the paths we journey on are all times when we should be purposeful. Even small decisions, such as whether or not we should buy those awesome sandals, should be dealt with intentionality, as it affects something bigger (like our wallets!). How we interact with people, whether a friend from church or a stranger at the bank, has an impact on our lives. How we react to bad service at a restaurant or a driver who has cut us off is a reflection of who we are and the God we serve. And God wants us to be aware of that... He wants us to choose our words carefully. He wants us to reflect HIS love and grace. We can't do that unless we are intentional about the things we say and do.
It's hard work being intentional... But, the effort pays off! Tyler and Benjamin are proof of that!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
A Different Experience
For as long as I can remember, Easter has been this big, somewhat emotion-filled, joyous holiday. When I was little, I went to all of the Easter cantatas. Once I was old enough, I sang in the cantatas. The music, the story, all of it just filled my heart. I always felt so connected to God during those 80 minutes of worship and services. My parents invited "the widows and orphans" (those we knew who had no where else to go) for dinner and you could just feel God oozing out of everyone.
There was a slow change to our Easter traditions... When Kevin and I got married, the first year, we drove back to NJ to see the Easter cantata. Then, slowly, children were born, my parents moved to PA, and cantatas were a thing of the past. It was okay, because we still were able to attend our church for the most important service: Easter Sunday service. I still was able to get the emotion from the music and the sermon.
This year, everything was different. My new role as Nursery/Preschool Director turned Easter into something very different. Activities needed to be planned for Good Friday Services, for our extra Easter services, as well as preparing for our normal Sunday classes. Childcare needed to be planned out and scheduled. Normal volunteers were away, leaving holes for Sunday. Even with other team members, I wound up overseeing 4 out of 6 of the services' childcare. I didn't get to enjoy the emotion-filled services. I didn't get to experience God and Easter the way I always have.
For the last couple of days, I have been feeling rather down about not experiencing God the way I used to. In fact, the last few years, I have been mourning the loss of how things used to be. Getting into a FULL church service is tough. Being a part of a small group is a challenge. We may be able to GET to the small group event, but actually doing to "homework" is next to impossible. I can't tell you the last time that I was able to go to anything God centered and actually be able to be fully there...
I suddenly realized something as I was sitting here pouting about what I have missed this year. I realized that I actually experience God MORE now in my busy and crazy life than I did even when I was younger and less busy. My busyness has caused me to be more intentional about the time I do have with God. Rather than reserving my time to experiencing God to church services and bible studies, I now am very intentional to experience God no matter where I am or what I am doing.
When I am folding laundry (which is more often than I would like), I pray for each of my boys and for my husband. While washing dishes, I thank God for the provisions He has provided. I use my 20 minute drive time to and from work to just focus on God, whether with music or with silence. When I check on our 4 sleeping boys, I quietly pray over each of them. I don't get hours of prayer and reflection. It's just not possible. Lately, I haven't even had 70 minutes to get into a church service. BUT, I use the time that I have to stay connected.
Don't get me wrong, I WANT to get back to going to church regularly. I NEED to get back to going to church regularly I look forward to a day when I can go to an Easter service and just enjoy the service. But, in some ways, my time with God is better now than it ever has been. The intentionality I have now to spend time with God is so much greater than anything in the past.
God wants me to be connected to Him. My time with Him doesn't have to look the same as anyone else's. My time with Him can't look the same as other people. I know many empty-nesters who can spend hours a day in meditation and prayer. But, it wasn't always like that for them. I know young married couples who can spend time in bible studies together. It may not always be that way for them. For this season of my life, my time with God looks VERY different than many others. And, I am okay with that.
There was a slow change to our Easter traditions... When Kevin and I got married, the first year, we drove back to NJ to see the Easter cantata. Then, slowly, children were born, my parents moved to PA, and cantatas were a thing of the past. It was okay, because we still were able to attend our church for the most important service: Easter Sunday service. I still was able to get the emotion from the music and the sermon.
This year, everything was different. My new role as Nursery/Preschool Director turned Easter into something very different. Activities needed to be planned for Good Friday Services, for our extra Easter services, as well as preparing for our normal Sunday classes. Childcare needed to be planned out and scheduled. Normal volunteers were away, leaving holes for Sunday. Even with other team members, I wound up overseeing 4 out of 6 of the services' childcare. I didn't get to enjoy the emotion-filled services. I didn't get to experience God and Easter the way I always have.
For the last couple of days, I have been feeling rather down about not experiencing God the way I used to. In fact, the last few years, I have been mourning the loss of how things used to be. Getting into a FULL church service is tough. Being a part of a small group is a challenge. We may be able to GET to the small group event, but actually doing to "homework" is next to impossible. I can't tell you the last time that I was able to go to anything God centered and actually be able to be fully there...
I suddenly realized something as I was sitting here pouting about what I have missed this year. I realized that I actually experience God MORE now in my busy and crazy life than I did even when I was younger and less busy. My busyness has caused me to be more intentional about the time I do have with God. Rather than reserving my time to experiencing God to church services and bible studies, I now am very intentional to experience God no matter where I am or what I am doing.
When I am folding laundry (which is more often than I would like), I pray for each of my boys and for my husband. While washing dishes, I thank God for the provisions He has provided. I use my 20 minute drive time to and from work to just focus on God, whether with music or with silence. When I check on our 4 sleeping boys, I quietly pray over each of them. I don't get hours of prayer and reflection. It's just not possible. Lately, I haven't even had 70 minutes to get into a church service. BUT, I use the time that I have to stay connected.
Don't get me wrong, I WANT to get back to going to church regularly. I NEED to get back to going to church regularly I look forward to a day when I can go to an Easter service and just enjoy the service. But, in some ways, my time with God is better now than it ever has been. The intentionality I have now to spend time with God is so much greater than anything in the past.
God wants me to be connected to Him. My time with Him doesn't have to look the same as anyone else's. My time with Him can't look the same as other people. I know many empty-nesters who can spend hours a day in meditation and prayer. But, it wasn't always like that for them. I know young married couples who can spend time in bible studies together. It may not always be that way for them. For this season of my life, my time with God looks VERY different than many others. And, I am okay with that.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Missing Sammy
Today is a very special and very sad day all wrapped into one. Today marks 5 years since we lost our daughter, Sammy. I thought I would spend a few moments sharing about her and the journey I have been on since finding out we were expecting her.
5 months after Patrick (our first) was born, we were surprised to find out we were expecting another baby. Shock was pretty much all we felt initially. This baby was not in our plans. There wasn't much we could do, but work on getting excited about the inevitable... Our family was growing!
After a couple weeks, we had embraced the idea of having another baby. We were excited to have 2 babies in the house. We knew Patrick and this new baby would be great friends. Kevin started working on the new room for Patrick so that the baby could move into the nursery. We had heard the baby's heartbeat and knew that God was blessing us.
And, then, one morning, everything changed. 15 weeks into my pregnancy, there was spotting, and I knew something was wrong. I made an appointment with my OB and an ultrasound for that day. I remember waiting in the waiting room for over an hour because there was a back up with patients. I sat there praying harder than I think I have ever prayed, just asking for God's healing.
Once called back, I clearly remember laying on the table with the ultrasound technician telling me that sometimes it takes a minute or two to find the sweet spot to see the heart. After 5 minutes, with no sign of a heartbeat, he called in another technician. And, after another 5 minutes, a call was made to my OB.
There was no heartbeat. I stared at the screen, wishing the baby's heart to suddenly start beating. But, that didn't happen. Rather, the doctor's nurse came to take me up to a private office. There, in an office filled with pictures of the OB's large family, the OB explained to me what I had already figured out. We had lost our baby... The rest of that morning and afternoon are a blur. I know I had to sit with the scheduling nurse to arrange the surgery necessary. I know I headed back to work to pick up Patrick. And, somewhere along the way, I know that I went to the hospital for surgery.
There were so many times that I just wanted to break down, but there was something keeping me from losing it. Kevin and I even sat waiting before the surgery joking around with the nurses. But, it hit me on our way home. I sat in the car weeping. I vividly remember sobbing that they "took my baby". It was devastating. And poor Kevin just didn't know what to do to help me. We named the baby Sammy, so that we could grieve fully.
We gave permission for them to do testing to see if they could find the cause of the miscarriage. And, weeks later, we found out not only that the baby died from a genetic disorder, but that the baby was a GIRL. (And as most know by now, she was our ONLY girl.) The guilt that I believe both Kevin and I had dissipated as we learned there was absolutely nothing we could have done. We had to accept that GOD's will was for Sammy to be with HIM. (Which, by the way, was NOT an easy thing.)
I say that this day is not only sad, but special. This was the only day I ever got to SEE Sammy. This was more importantly the day that I truly realized that God was ultimately in control. I had no choice but to follow Him, to lean on Him, and to trust Him. I would not have survived without God's love and grace. There were definitely moments of temper tantrums on my part... But, He held me and loved me, even during my fits.
I miss our baby girl. My heart aches to see her just one more time. I want to know who she looks like. Could she actually look like me, with dark eyes and hair? Or does she look just like her brothers do? Does she have Kevin's fun loving spirit or my sensibility? Someday, I pray that I will find out. But, for now, I hold on to the fact that God had plans for her, even though she never saw the light of day. And someday, her brothers will know about her. Everyone should know about her...
5 months after Patrick (our first) was born, we were surprised to find out we were expecting another baby. Shock was pretty much all we felt initially. This baby was not in our plans. There wasn't much we could do, but work on getting excited about the inevitable... Our family was growing!
After a couple weeks, we had embraced the idea of having another baby. We were excited to have 2 babies in the house. We knew Patrick and this new baby would be great friends. Kevin started working on the new room for Patrick so that the baby could move into the nursery. We had heard the baby's heartbeat and knew that God was blessing us.
And, then, one morning, everything changed. 15 weeks into my pregnancy, there was spotting, and I knew something was wrong. I made an appointment with my OB and an ultrasound for that day. I remember waiting in the waiting room for over an hour because there was a back up with patients. I sat there praying harder than I think I have ever prayed, just asking for God's healing.
Once called back, I clearly remember laying on the table with the ultrasound technician telling me that sometimes it takes a minute or two to find the sweet spot to see the heart. After 5 minutes, with no sign of a heartbeat, he called in another technician. And, after another 5 minutes, a call was made to my OB.
There was no heartbeat. I stared at the screen, wishing the baby's heart to suddenly start beating. But, that didn't happen. Rather, the doctor's nurse came to take me up to a private office. There, in an office filled with pictures of the OB's large family, the OB explained to me what I had already figured out. We had lost our baby... The rest of that morning and afternoon are a blur. I know I had to sit with the scheduling nurse to arrange the surgery necessary. I know I headed back to work to pick up Patrick. And, somewhere along the way, I know that I went to the hospital for surgery.
There were so many times that I just wanted to break down, but there was something keeping me from losing it. Kevin and I even sat waiting before the surgery joking around with the nurses. But, it hit me on our way home. I sat in the car weeping. I vividly remember sobbing that they "took my baby". It was devastating. And poor Kevin just didn't know what to do to help me. We named the baby Sammy, so that we could grieve fully.
We gave permission for them to do testing to see if they could find the cause of the miscarriage. And, weeks later, we found out not only that the baby died from a genetic disorder, but that the baby was a GIRL. (And as most know by now, she was our ONLY girl.) The guilt that I believe both Kevin and I had dissipated as we learned there was absolutely nothing we could have done. We had to accept that GOD's will was for Sammy to be with HIM. (Which, by the way, was NOT an easy thing.)
I say that this day is not only sad, but special. This was the only day I ever got to SEE Sammy. This was more importantly the day that I truly realized that God was ultimately in control. I had no choice but to follow Him, to lean on Him, and to trust Him. I would not have survived without God's love and grace. There were definitely moments of temper tantrums on my part... But, He held me and loved me, even during my fits.
I miss our baby girl. My heart aches to see her just one more time. I want to know who she looks like. Could she actually look like me, with dark eyes and hair? Or does she look just like her brothers do? Does she have Kevin's fun loving spirit or my sensibility? Someday, I pray that I will find out. But, for now, I hold on to the fact that God had plans for her, even though she never saw the light of day. And someday, her brothers will know about her. Everyone should know about her...
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Whose Voice?
I often find myself struggling to listen to God's voice... I tend to hear my own inner voices (which are typically NOT the most positive) or I rely on the voices of those nearest to me. Overall, the voices of those I am closest to are positive and re-affirming, and just plain nice to hear. My husband's voice or my mom's voice help me become grounded again when my own voice starts to tear me down. BUT, God's voice, I often miss because I am not quiet enough to hear Him.
Sometimes, there are other voices that say some very hurtful things. Things that are not necessarily true or accurate. Those voices, although they don't happen nearly as often, are always the loudest. They are the voices that I cannot shake. They spit out judgements and painful words that can cripple me. One of those voices can outweigh the 20 other voices that have good things to say. What's worse is that that one hurtful voice and opinion can mute out God's voice all together for me.
It shouldn't be that way. No human's words or voice should ever mask God's voice... But, I find myself sometimes not hearing HIS voice over the hurtful voice. I begin to believe what others say about who I am or what I have done. I lose sight of who God thinks I am. I get so engrossed in one person's opinion of me that I no longer can see what God sees.
It's not easy for me to let go of what other people say about me, especially when it's negative. I guess you could say I am very "thin" skinned. But, I have to remember that ultimately, all that matters is what God says and thinks. HE loves me. HE created me to be me. HE has plans for me. And, if I choose to listen to everyone else, I can easily miss what HE is saying.
I, in no way, have mastered listening to God's voice. I struggle daily to ensure that the decisions I make are based on what God wants. Negative emails, phone calls, in person conflict can devastate me in a matter of moments. BUT, I strive to push all of it aside and listen to HIM. It isn't easy. AT ALL. But, there is no better voice to listen to than that of our FATHER.
Sometimes, there are other voices that say some very hurtful things. Things that are not necessarily true or accurate. Those voices, although they don't happen nearly as often, are always the loudest. They are the voices that I cannot shake. They spit out judgements and painful words that can cripple me. One of those voices can outweigh the 20 other voices that have good things to say. What's worse is that that one hurtful voice and opinion can mute out God's voice all together for me.
It shouldn't be that way. No human's words or voice should ever mask God's voice... But, I find myself sometimes not hearing HIS voice over the hurtful voice. I begin to believe what others say about who I am or what I have done. I lose sight of who God thinks I am. I get so engrossed in one person's opinion of me that I no longer can see what God sees.
It's not easy for me to let go of what other people say about me, especially when it's negative. I guess you could say I am very "thin" skinned. But, I have to remember that ultimately, all that matters is what God says and thinks. HE loves me. HE created me to be me. HE has plans for me. And, if I choose to listen to everyone else, I can easily miss what HE is saying.
I, in no way, have mastered listening to God's voice. I struggle daily to ensure that the decisions I make are based on what God wants. Negative emails, phone calls, in person conflict can devastate me in a matter of moments. BUT, I strive to push all of it aside and listen to HIM. It isn't easy. AT ALL. But, there is no better voice to listen to than that of our FATHER.
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