Celebrate the Little Things

I sent out an email to my co-workers yesterday celebrating a milestone for our son Tyler.  As I wrote this email, tears of joy filled my eyes.  A little thing like going to the dentist became a significant blessing to us. 

"As some of you may know, our 2^nd son, Tyler, was born with some significant developmental delays.  In May of 2011, we were told he was mildly autistic.  We had been in Early Intervention for 2 years before his diagnosis.  He had already made a lot of progress that even his therapists couldn’t explain.  Tyler went from a child who sat in our living room screaming every day, not wanting to be held or comforted, to an extremely happy, loving little boy.  We can even sit with him on the couch, where he will tolerate some cuddling!

One of the biggest issues we have faced with him has been his sensory needs.  The way he takes in the world around him is nothing like you or I would.  Sounds that we may barely hear sound like sonic booms to him.  Shirts that are soft to us may feel like a scouring pad to him.  His sensory issues have caused everyday occurrences to be a bit more challenging.  Through therapy, a lot of work at home, and a wonderfully loving and gracious God, we have tackled many of his issues.

Today, he had his dentist appointment.  To you, that may not be a big deal.  To us, it’s ginormous.  His first 2 appointments, he literally kicked and screamed, terrified of everything around him.  He wouldn’t even allow them to put the paper bib on him.  At his last visit, he had to be sedated just so they could count how many teeth he had.  Up until that point, they did not even know how his teeth looked.  Today, he bravely walked into the exam room, and although scared, allowed the dentist to count his teeth.  And then, with a little coaxing, he even allowed for his teeth to be cleaned!!!  He hummed songs that calm him, and when it was all done, he shouted, “I’m done!  Now I get my balloon!” 

I know to many of you, this may not sound like it’s that big of a deal.  But for the Schussler family, this is probably one of the biggest moments.  God has been so very gracious to us.  He gave us a beautiful little boy to help grow.  He has given us these wonderful, sweet moments to remember that HIS hand is in everything!"

These sweet moments are everywhere around us.  From Tyler succeeding at the dentist, to Benjamin imitating the word "Grammy", to the daffodils that are showing signs of blooming...  God's hand is in everything around us.  We may not see those moments because we are too busy.  Or maybe because we are too focused on the BIG PICTURE.  But, I have learned that the little moments are what sustains me.  Taking time to celebrate the little things gives me momentum to go for the big things, even the hard things. 

God blesses us DAILY, even when it might not feel like it.  Even in the times that I have felt life couldn't get any harder, the blessings were always there.  And, today, as I continue to face the challenges of 4 boys (2 with special needs), a full-time job, a husband, and the desire to focus on my own personal growth, I know with confidence that each day, if I stop and look, blessings will be in abundance.  And no matter the size, the blessings deserve to be celebrated!

Who I Am

For the last few years, I have been on a journey to fully know who I am in Christ.  It has been a tough, but very rewarding journey.  There are so many things I have learned about myself and about God, it could probably take several books to express it all!

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago, I was unable to see the worth that I had in Christ.  I felt my worth was based on what I could contribute in my home, as well as at work.  I was worth something IF I could bring home the much needed money or can get ALL of the chores/cleaning done in the house.  I was only contributing to my friends and family IF I was able to "fix" the problems or help them financially.  I couldn't see what I could bring to the table without DOING stuff.  But, after losing my job, I suddenly needed to learn a lesson I should have learned a long time before that.  I had worth whether I was working or not, whether I cleaned the entire house or only the bathroom.  It didn't matter to God what I was doing, because I was HIS child. 

As I started fully embracing the idea that I was a child of God, I started to reflect on who God made in me.  I have been exploring the strengths (and weaknesses) that I possess.  What I once saw as unfixable flaws in myself, I can now see as areas of growth to work on.  I have learned to use the strengths He has given me to fulfill HIS purpose for me.  More importantly, I have learned to be comfortable IN the strengths He has given me.  Up until this past year, I wasn't really comfortable in my own skin.  I didn't know how to be ME, to embrace the "wonderfully and fearfully made" ME. 

If you had asked me back in August of 2010 where I would be in February 2012, I would NEVER had said I would be the Nursery and Preschool Director.  I didn't think I had it in me...  I was just an average woman with no spectacular skills or leadership qualities.  BUT, God knew what He was doing.  And, as He helped me grow in Him, He opened doors I never thought would open for me.  My confidence has grown immensely.  But, it's not confidence in only myself...  It's confidence in myself when I am wholly leaning on God.  I CAN do anything through Christ, if it's God's will.

My growth these past few years have impacted me and my family (and my job) in ways that I can't even put into words.  The moment I realized who I really am in God was the moment my life changed forever.  Bad things still happen.  Tough times still come, and will continue to come for the rest of my life.  But, knowing who I am, knowing that God truly loves me and has a purpose for ME, makes the tough times more manageable.  And, it makes the triumphs and joys EVEN BETTER! 

When I die, I want to know that I have lived my life fully for God.  I want to know that my friends and family will describe me as wholly devoted to Christ and HIS plans.  Most importantly, I want to know that when I meet Jesus that He is proud of the woman I became...  The woman God had created me to be.

Taking Care

Having 4 boys, a husband and a full time job has some really awesome joys!  There is never a shortage of hugs and kisses, laughs and smiles!  I am NEVER, ever bored.  We are always able to celebrate something, whether it's good work at school, peeing on the potty, dancing/singing to a new song, or other small milestones achieved.  There are always opportunities to grow and develop at work and at home.  It is amazing having this life!

There are, of course, some not so joyous aspects of having 4 boys, a husband and a full time job.  I spend a lot of time focusing attention on bathroom habits, whether it's changing the umpteenth diaper for the day or getting Tyler to actually go in the potty, not all over the potty (and the floor and the wall, etc.)  There are the constant questions about what we'll be eating or if we're going to be eating.  (Yes, I know this will continue to get worse as the boys start entering their teenage years!)  When I am not focused on the boys, I am focused on work, and when I am not focused on work, I am focused on Kevin.  AND, when I am not focused on the boys, work, or Kevin, it typically means I am asleep.

I have worked very hard at trying to find moments of time to focus on myself.  Whether it's locking myself in the bathroom to read a few minutes or to run out the store all by myself.  Sometimes, I get to go up to my room and watch netflix on my laptop while Kevin plays with the boys downstairs.  I try, but if I am not intentional about taking those moments, I could go weeks without ever really focusing on me.  Between the mix of busyness and some guilt, it is quite difficult to make the time.

But, this week, it has become quite evident that it HAS to be a priority for me.  After 3 weeks of feeling sick, I finally went to the doctors to find out what was going on.  It turns out that I have a sinus infection, double ear infection, and possibly strep.  The infection is so big that every lymph node in my body is swollen.  This, mixed with my Fibromyalgia, has made my entire body EXTRA sore.  And, as the doctor told me yesterday, had I come in earlier, it would never have gotten this bad.

I know he's right.  I know that had I taken time to really listen to my body, I would have already been feeling much better by now.  But, I didn't take the time.  I put every ounce of energy I had into continuing life as is.  There are things that I can't do...  Like take a "real" sick day.  Yes, I can call off of work. But, there are no sick days allotted for Mommy.  But, I could have taken the moments when my mom was here or Kevin was home to rest.  I could have done A LOT of things differently.

God wants each of us to take care of ourselves.  Our body, mind, and soul are ultimately HIS.  And He wants us to treat ourselves well.  Not to mention, when we take care of ourselves, we are in a much better place to take care of others.  This is NOT an easy thing for me.  But, it is necessary for me to learn.  IF I want to give to my family, my church, my Ministry Partners, the families of my church, I NEED to give to myself.  I need to give myself rest and grace.  When I can do that, and take care of myself, I can ultimately do so much more.  I'll get there...  I have to.  It's what God wants me to do (as well as all those people who love me!)

It's Not Always What You Think...

My husband, Kevin, has been complaining about a machine at his work for the past couple of years.  This machine helps cut LARGE rolls of paper down to receipt sized paper.  The issue with this machine is that everytime they need to use it, it doesn't work right.  They can get it working for a little bit, but ultimately, it starts acting up and the workers blame it on the BRAKES.  Kevin does what he can, but swears it isn't the brakes.  It has to be something else.  (He has been saying this for over 2 years!) 

Just recently, the machine wasn't working right, AGAIN!  Everyone blamed the brakes.  Kevin fiddled with the brakes, but it didn't help.  He turned off the brakes, the workers went to use the machine again, and it still didn't work right.  They blamed the brakes, AGAIN.  Only, this time, there was NO way it could be the brakes, since they weren't even on.  Ultimately, Kevin did some digging into the machine and found an important piece of the machine had worn down.  The typical wear and tear had gone unnoticed, and eventually became a MUCH BIGGER issue.  Once the piece was taken care of, the machine has been running pretty well (for an old machine!) 

I have noticed that I am a lot like that machine.  I sometimes don't work as well as I should or would like to.  I get bothered by things that don't typically bother me.  I get angry with Kevin over little things and hold on to that anger way longer than I should.  The blame for my anger or frustration often goes to being tired.  BUT, what I have learned is that most of the time, it goes deeper than that.  Oh sure, being tired plays a part.  But, not entirely. 

My frustration, anger, or whatever other negative feelings I might have are all caused from heart issues.  Sometimes, I have to dig down and get dirty and figure out what is really upsetting me.  And, to be honest, most of the time, it's a disconnect from God.  The more I allow myself to disconnect from God, the more wear and tear occurs on my heart.  The longer the wear and tear goes unnoticed, the more I start to get frustrated, bothered, etc.  And, once I am frustrated or bothered, my relationships start to not work as well.

So, when Kevin spills tea on the counter (and doesn't see it), I can normally let it slide.  I'll wipe it up and move on with other stuff.  But, sometimes, I get mad.  And I stay mad.  Tyler pees all over the floor.  Benjamin has taken everything out of the cabinet. Then the boys leave their toys all over the house.  Kevin comes home from work and instantly asks, "What's for dinner?"  The back right burner doesn't work, but I of course forget that until 15 minutes into waiting for the water to boil.  By this point, the only thing boiling in my house is ME.  And, although it might look like (and feel like) I am mad at Kevin and the boys and silly boiler, it's typically not the case.    

Sometimes, it really is just that I live in a household of testosterone, where "messy" is a way of living.  (That can get bothersome on occasions.)  But, more often than not, the angry me is because of something much deeper.  And, when I get time to reflect and think about what is really bothering me, it is almost always because I was no longer connected with God.  I had started using my own strength to manage.  I had allowed myself the power to take control of my life.  And, everytime, the wear and tear of doing things myself turns into a poorly functioning ME. 

Step back sometime when you're really angry or upset over something that normally doesn't bother you...  Spend some time digging deeper and see if maybe, just maybe, there's something else that could be broken.

When I Grow Up...

Patrick, our oldest son, has been telling us from time to time what he wants to be when he grows up.  He has said everything from a rockstar to a doctor, a genius (my favorite!) to this week's answer, which is "a surveyor."  (When I asked him what a surveyor is, he said someone who makes maps.  Yay, kindergarten!)

All this talk of what Patrick might want to be when he grows up led me to think about what I used to want to be.  I remember wanting to be an architect.  I also wanted to be a teacher.  One consistent thing I said was that I wanted to be a mommy and a wife.  I remember truly believing that I could be ANYTHING I wanted to be.  Just like Patrick believes he can be whatever he wants to be.  He has no little voice in his head squashing any of his dreams. 

That got me thinking about when it is that we start losing that child-like ability to believe we can do anything.  When do we start allowing that little voice to squash our dreams?  Yes, that little voice is reason and logic and sometimes needs to be there.  We need the voice to help us make reasonable decisions.  But, sometimes, that voice tells us we can't do things that we might just be able to do.  It goes against what God has planned for us, because we are scared or doubt the abilities God has given us.

I know that I would NEVER have made a good architect.  I dislike geometry, and am pretty sure I would have needed a lot of geometry knowledge to be a good architect.  I probably could have been a decent teacher, but I don't really think that I would have been a great teacher.  I am now a mommy of 4 and a wife to a wonderful husband.  That dream did come true!  But, there are dreams of "When I grow up..." that I still struggle to believe could ever happen.  Mostly because that little voice is telling me that I am not qualified or good enough to do it.  There are always reasons in my head as to why I should not pursue those dreams. 

But, I am learning that IF God wants you (or me) to pursue your dreams, you have to let go of the doubts and fears.  He will give you  the strength to just go for it.  I have pursued some of my dreams, and am so very grateful I have.  I still have one more major dream to pursue, and I have to admit I am quite scared about doing so.  I will pursue it, in God's timing.  I will NOT allow the doubts and fears to keep me from my biggest dream.

Some days I wish I could be like Patrick again.  Full of hope and void of self-doubt.  Could you imagine what we as adults could accomplish if we didn't carry around the doubtful voice in our heads?  If we could truly believe that with God we can do anything He wants us to do?