It's Not Always What You Think...

My husband, Kevin, has been complaining about a machine at his work for the past couple of years.  This machine helps cut LARGE rolls of paper down to receipt sized paper.  The issue with this machine is that everytime they need to use it, it doesn't work right.  They can get it working for a little bit, but ultimately, it starts acting up and the workers blame it on the BRAKES.  Kevin does what he can, but swears it isn't the brakes.  It has to be something else.  (He has been saying this for over 2 years!) 

Just recently, the machine wasn't working right, AGAIN!  Everyone blamed the brakes.  Kevin fiddled with the brakes, but it didn't help.  He turned off the brakes, the workers went to use the machine again, and it still didn't work right.  They blamed the brakes, AGAIN.  Only, this time, there was NO way it could be the brakes, since they weren't even on.  Ultimately, Kevin did some digging into the machine and found an important piece of the machine had worn down.  The typical wear and tear had gone unnoticed, and eventually became a MUCH BIGGER issue.  Once the piece was taken care of, the machine has been running pretty well (for an old machine!) 

I have noticed that I am a lot like that machine.  I sometimes don't work as well as I should or would like to.  I get bothered by things that don't typically bother me.  I get angry with Kevin over little things and hold on to that anger way longer than I should.  The blame for my anger or frustration often goes to being tired.  BUT, what I have learned is that most of the time, it goes deeper than that.  Oh sure, being tired plays a part.  But, not entirely. 

My frustration, anger, or whatever other negative feelings I might have are all caused from heart issues.  Sometimes, I have to dig down and get dirty and figure out what is really upsetting me.  And, to be honest, most of the time, it's a disconnect from God.  The more I allow myself to disconnect from God, the more wear and tear occurs on my heart.  The longer the wear and tear goes unnoticed, the more I start to get frustrated, bothered, etc.  And, once I am frustrated or bothered, my relationships start to not work as well.

So, when Kevin spills tea on the counter (and doesn't see it), I can normally let it slide.  I'll wipe it up and move on with other stuff.  But, sometimes, I get mad.  And I stay mad.  Tyler pees all over the floor.  Benjamin has taken everything out of the cabinet. Then the boys leave their toys all over the house.  Kevin comes home from work and instantly asks, "What's for dinner?"  The back right burner doesn't work, but I of course forget that until 15 minutes into waiting for the water to boil.  By this point, the only thing boiling in my house is ME.  And, although it might look like (and feel like) I am mad at Kevin and the boys and silly boiler, it's typically not the case.    

Sometimes, it really is just that I live in a household of testosterone, where "messy" is a way of living.  (That can get bothersome on occasions.)  But, more often than not, the angry me is because of something much deeper.  And, when I get time to reflect and think about what is really bothering me, it is almost always because I was no longer connected with God.  I had started using my own strength to manage.  I had allowed myself the power to take control of my life.  And, everytime, the wear and tear of doing things myself turns into a poorly functioning ME. 

Step back sometime when you're really angry or upset over something that normally doesn't bother you...  Spend some time digging deeper and see if maybe, just maybe, there's something else that could be broken.