When Your Feelings Fail You...

The time is here... Christmas is just 3 days away... The singing, the gifts, the goodies, the food... Families get together. People give of themselves. It's a wonderful time to be on Earth. Or so some people feel... Others wish Christmas would come and go quickly so we all can get back to normal life. Some people don't FEEL like Christmas. And, honestly, I have been struggling with that "feeling".

I don't "feel" the wonderful Christmas feelings I usually feel. The almost bursting joy of years' past has been replaced with exhaustion and sadness and disappointment. Things have been a bit tough these past couple weeks. My surgery went quite well 3 weeks ago, but recovery has been slower than I would have liked. And now, my new medication (the one I was dreading) has been causing side effects that I am not a fan of. It's all only temporary, but it has definitely impacted my Christmas feelings.

I haven't been able to do a lot of the things that I always do leading up to Christmas. I was barely able to participate in decorating the house and the tree. Goodies have not really been made because I haven't had the energy. I have not gotten my full voice back, and so singing Christmas carols has not exactly been doable (and I LOVE singing Christmas carols!).

And, if those weren't enough changes, this is our first Christmas following the Financial Peace University plan... SO, there was a budget (a small one) that we followed. No big presents, no extra giving, no getting exactly what the boys wanted. It has totally been amazing to know nothing was put on credit cards, but it was definitely different, and a little disappointing.

So many things that used to be a part of our Christmas have changed, which greatly affected my mood... My feelings were causing me to be a person I didn't want to be. And then I realized, Christmas isn't about my feelings. The Christmas joy I should be experiencing has NOTHING to do with my feelings. How I feel doesn't change the fact that God loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us. Not just that, but His Son would die to give us life beyond this world.

It got me thinking... Just like we as spouses need to act in love towards our spouse, even when we don't "FEEL" the love, we are to act in love and joy this season, even when we don't "FEEL" the love and joy. I think about God and how He must have felt when He watched the world He created turn against Him. I am confident He didn't "FEEL" like letting His only Son leave Him to save us. And yet, He acted in love and did just that. His frustration or anger or whatever else He might have been feeling were put aside and He saved those He was frustrated and angry and disappointed in. He didn't allow His feelings to get in the way...

Things are tough. My feelings are not in a good place. BUT, as HIS child, I am called to remember and to celebrate what He has done for me. This is a time for me to experience the joy that comes from knowing I am loved so deeply that He sent His Son to Earth knowing 33 years later His Son would have to die. The gift He gave me (and us) deserves to be celebrated, whether I feel like it or not.

It's not about the traditions that make me "feel" the Christmas spirit (although they have helped in the past). It's not about the people around me (although those people are wonderful to be around). It's about what God has done... I want to be able to celebrate His ultimate gift to us no matter what my situation is. I don't want my feelings to cause me to miss the WHOLE POINT of Christmas.

My feelings do not need to define my Christmas. God defined my Christmas over 2000 years ago. There will be years of experiencing great traditions. And as many of my friends are experiencing this Christmas, there will be years of experiencing great loss. Whether in loss or in gain, the core of Christmas remains the same. And the joy and love that comes with Christmas is there whether I "feel" it or not. Jesus was given to us to die for us to save us... My feelings cannot change what He has done.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Fearing Not, Even Your Irrational Fears

There are certain things I try really hard NOT to do... I try really hard not to eat the boys' Lucky Charms cereal (which typically is an unsuccessful attempt).  I try really hard not to compare my mothering styles to other moms.  I try really hard not to focus too much on the news, the media, or other type stress-inducers. And my biggest, all time, "try not to do" is I try not to spend too much time "researching" things on the internet, especially when it pertains to medical stuff. It's just NOT wise for me to type in some question and read all of the gazillion answers. Only a tiny percentage of that stuff is actually accurate or actually pertains to what I am wondering.

But, in the past couple days, I have found myself doing just that. I went on the internet, typed in "post Total Thyroidectomy average medication dosage". (For those of you who don't know, I had my whole thyroid taken out last week). My initial goal was just figuring out roughly what the average dosage is for someone my size, so I could have an idea of where I would be ending up when the dust settles. What I got was an onslaught of information that has sent me in a tizzy...

You see, it takes a good bit of time to find the right dosage of meds for a person with no thyroid. Too much, you get cranky and your heart races and you lose weight faster than you should. (Okay, so the losing weight thing almost sounded nice) Too little medication, you face fatigue, joint pain, weight gain and other stuff totally not cool. It's a precious balance that takes time. What I found on the internet was people complaining of it taking years. YEARS, people! But, the answers and information from random strangers are not actually a good depiction of reality.

And yet, what I read on the internet has greatly affected how I feel about my future. I hate meds... I have never been good at taking meds. I am that horrible person who sometimes doesn't finish antibiotics (sometimes... More times than not I do finish them). I am really good at taking my allergy medicine now, after years of my eyes puffing up and becoming so raw it looks like I have been punched in the eyes. I take meds for aches and pains when necessary, but typically wait until it's really bad. And during cold and flu time, I have been known to take some "nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head, fever, so-you-can-rest" medicine, because who doesn't like getting rest even when your head feels like it's going to explode?!

This is different, though. This is forever. FOREVER. And if I don't take it, it will cause not cool things for my body. If I forget to refill my prescription, there will be consequences. If I don't take the meds exactly as prescribed, it makes a difference. Every morning at least an hour before I eat anything, I will be taking a pill... For the rest of my life. And that scares me. A LOT. Do I realize that might sound somewhat ridiculous? Yep. Maybe a tad-bit irrational? Yep. But, that's how I feel.

This medication has the potential of keeping me quite healthy. It also has the potential of bringing lots of curveballs as we find the right balance. And let's not forget how hormones, weight change, getting older, will all impact the lovely balance and create a need for a new balance. One tiny little pill has the potential to greatly impact day to day life. IF I let it...

Right now I am stuck in a place where I could easily let it send me down a rabbit hole of yucky-ness. I am afraid. I am more afraid about the silly little pills than I was going in for the surgery. The surgery was a once and done thing. I knew I had a couple weeks of recovery, but that's still short-term. This is for the rest of my life. But, I know something far better that will last past the rest of my life... God's peace and love.

We're told in Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I grew up listening to this over and over in the form of a song. Family friends of ours made this into a song years ago and THIS is what has been playing in my head the past several days. At random times the song would just pop in my head. And as I sit here tonight, I now know why. God wants me to remember His promises to me.

I have God. I have His strength to hold me up right now. I can choose to be afraid, but I can also choose to accept what is and let God do with it as He sees fit. Is it scary stuff? To me it is. But He's got this. He has got my back. It's not that I have no reason to fear. It's that the fear I have can be given to Him.

So, my fears (whether they be irrational or not) may not sit with me tonight. They may not keep my thoughts for any longer. I have a BIG God who can deal with those fears while I live the life He has given me.

**As mentioned earlier, I have family friends who have done amazing things with music throughout the years. To hear some of Sue and Jeff Duffield's stuff, or just to learn a little more about them, you can go to their page at http://www.sueduffield.com/duffield_music. You will be blessed by not only their music but by Sue's humorous way she goes through life!**

When God Shows Up

We all know how life gets a tad bit crazy and we start to feel like we're drowning... My drowning is different than yours... No worse, no better. Just different. The struggles I have are uniquely mine, as I tend to feed into the already existing struggles. Your struggles are no less, no more agonizing than mine. Although they're different, there are some things that are in all of our struggles. The feeling of loneliness, heartache, sadness, anger, confusion. And, most importantly, God. He's in it ALL. Every feeling, every emotion, every thought... He's there. He doesn't go anywhere.

And yet, when the struggles seem to lessen, when something turns around, we say something like, "God really showed up this time for me." "It's amazing how God showed up and made things better." I found myself saying that just this week and as soon as I said it, I realized how wrong I was.

I have been very open about the struggles I have been going through lately. Things have been hard and crazy and life had definitely gotten a hold of me. In the midst of the hard stuff, some amazing things happened. Friends poured out love and encouragement in ways I never would have expected! From prayers to Christmas money to tires to just a good ol' fashioned afternoon of conversation, Kevin and I have been blessed with amazing love and support the past couple weeks.

When I was sharing all the really neat things that were happening with a friend this week, I said something along the lines of how God had really showed up for us. How He had proven to us that He was there for us. As the words flowed out of my mouth, they were genuine. I really felt like God was there. He really had come through for us in ways we could have never imagined.

BUT, He didn't just "show up". The act of "showing up" would require the act of not being there before. You can't show up somewhere unless you had left (or never have been). And God, well, He never leaves. He is always there for us. While we're celebrating, He's there. While we're mourning, He's there. Even when we're throwing hissy fits, He's there. He NEVER left me during the past several weeks. He was still calling to me, still longing for me to ask HIM for help. He was still wanting me to trust Him and the things He could do.

So He didn't "show up"... It was more like "I finally got out of His way and let Him do His thing". And, when I did move out of His way and I accepted that I couldn't do it all, He shined in ways I didn't know were possible. When I let people know I was struggling and let those who love us in, I could finally see how He had always been there. He was always trying to reach me. I just didn't notice.

Our lives are filled with journeys that take us places we never thought possible. Sometimes, the places we go feel farther from God, and maybe even completely away from Him. But He never moves... He never leaves us... And so we don't have to wait for him to show up. We just have to get out of His way to see Him shine.

The Not So Comfortable Comfort Zone

Everybody who spends enough time with me knows how much I LOVE staying in my comfort zone. I am not one to try too many new things... And I am certainly not one to try anything that causes me great discomfort (and there's A LOT that causes me great discomfort!). When I say discomfort, I mean a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach... An uneasy feeling that something could go wrong, like not doing well or someone not liking me...

I clearly defined my comfort zone and spent a good bit of time defending it. Oh, sure, I would tweak it a little, and stretch it some, but I kept my comfort zone in my control. My parameters felt good, my boundaries safe and sound.

But, I was missing out... on A LOT! I started to notice that I was wishing to do more, to be more. I started to feel God pushing harder for me to step outside of what I thought was comfortable. The more He pushed, the more I began to ache. The longing to try more, to stretch more became almost palpable. I was no longer content staying where I was, and yet was terrified to move. The battle between the aching and the fear wreaked havoc on me. I wanted to stay put, but God wanted more.

So, I gave in a little, still holding tightly to what little control I thought I had. I took the vision God had given me for our Special Needs Ministry, and I shared it with our leadership. To some, this might seem like a small thing. For me, this was HUGE. The comfortable me would have not gone through with the meetings, as that brought butterflies and even some fear. I didn't want to fail the team. What if they didn't see the vision? More importantly, what if they didn't share the vision? The doubts and fears rattled in my mind even days later. BUT, I had done it. And amazing things have come from me taking those steps outside of my comfort zone.

But it didn't end there... God wasn't done with me (and is still NOT done with me). I still had the belief that I had some control. Still held tightly to my now slightly bigger comfort zone. But the ache was still there. The quiet desires to stretch became louder and the fear fought harder. With the encouragement of my husband, I chose to stretch and put myself out there in the craft world. I actually sold some of my signs to strangers! That's right, I sold things I created to people I didn't know. (I am sure some of you are thinking that I am being silly. Some of you are probably wondering what the big deal is. Wish I could explain it to you, but I can't. Just know it was a big thing.)

As if that wasn't enough, even with the inner turmoil of my soul churning, I proceeded to agree to start a business selling my creations... My comfort zone has completely shattered from all of the stretching. There is no comfort zone to really speak of, because it got left somewhere far, far away!

Am I still scared? Sure. Am I nervous that everything will fall apart? Yep. Am I even more nervous about succeeding? You bet! But the funny thing is I'm okay with it. I'm okay with the nerves and maybe even the small amount of fear. Mostly because it's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.

You see, I am learning that the comfort zone I had created for myself wasn't as comfortable as I had made it out to be. And it certainly wasn't as rewarding... God doesn't call us to stay in our comfort zone. He calls us out into the great unknown (unknown to us, that is). That's where we learn to trust Him. That's where we find out more about ourselves. And, as a friend pointed out, that's where the "magic" happens. I wasn't really happy in my comfort zone. The boundaries and parameters I put up to keep me comfortable actually made me more uncomfortable. Because the aches from the battle between my comfort level and God's calling are far worse than the nervousness and fear I have felt outside of that zone.

The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Ugly

When I started this blog many moons ago, I promised I would be honest... And, honest I have been. I tend to be an open book. Sort of. In person, especially when just in passing, I typically keep my personal junk to myself. But when someone genuinely asks how things are going, I will open myself up. And here, in blogland, I really try hard to be open and honest and vulnerable. Not because I want something from you all, but because I want you all to know that I am just like everyone else. I struggle, I succeed, I pout and whine, I celebrate... I trust God, struggle to see God, feel near to Him, feel far from Him... The crazy insanity of life here on earth has the same effects on me as it does on any of you. And I hope that in my honesty you find a nugget of truth for yourself.

With all of that said, tonight I want to welcome you into my current state of mind. It's totally a mix of the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, which I have found is how life just is.

As I sit here typing, I feel a mix of things. At first I thought I felt empty... But I realized that wasn't quite it. Then I was thinking I felt numb. You know, the feeling you get when you can't seem to feel anything. But that wasn't it, either. The more I thought, the more I realized I felt OVERFULL. (It's like when you eat a phenomenal meal and you keep eating long after your body says you're full. You can't move, your stomach almost aches, and you wish you were wearing an elastic waistband.)

Minus the whole elastic waistband, that's how I feel... I feel like I can't move, can't think, can't feel. My stomach almost aches, my head almost hurts. SO much stuff is happening in my life right now, both good and bad, that it has caused me to feel overfull.

God has been doing amazing things in me these past several months (and years)! I have grown and matured and seen myself do things that only He could have orchestrated. I have stepped out of my comfort zone more times than I can count, and when I establish a new zone, He moves me past that, too. He has helped my family focus on Him and how He wants us to live for Him. Even in the junk, He has proven time and time again that HIS plan is way better than ours. The GOOD has been amazing!

In amongst the growth (or maybe the cause of the growth) have come some pretty bad moments. Between health issues for both Kevin and me, we have not exactly been the most pleasant of people to be around. We have not been able to pour into the boys (and other aspects of our lives) the way we would like. A surgery for me, unknowns for Kevin until he goes in for his appointment this month have added new levels of stress for us.

And if that wasn't enough, we find ourselves struggling financially. But NOT like before. We pay our bills on time. We have money for food (just not for anything fun like ice cream or eating out). We have been focused and disciplined. We set forth goals... But life keeps happening and goals get postponed. The struggles are typically more about the things we can't have that we want. The real struggles are the frustrations that come when always doing the "right" thing and making the "wise" choice, when all we want to do is skip making dinner one night and go out to eat. Or when we want to save up for Christmas and the mortgage company says we owe money because they underestimated our taxes.

As always, raising four young boys has had it's fill of junk. The overwhelming pressure I put on myself to raise them "right" has led to many a sleepless night and many moments of feeling like a failure. Am I really enough for them? Am I meeting Tyler's needs? Am I being patient enough with Patrick? How many times am I going to lose it with Zachary over stupid stuff? Did we make the right decision for Ben to stay home one more year? Do they know they're loved? It's all the stuff that all moms (and dads) concern themselves with. Sometimes I just let it consume me, which is NEVER a good thing!

This is life. This is what we all go through. The highs, the lows, the good, the bad. But I have to admit, these past couple weeks, it has all built up into something downright UGLY! The normal life junk has led me (and Kevin too) to feel very overfull. Beyond stuffed. I can see God in this, and yet I can't reach Him. I NEED Him, and yet I am so overfull that I can't find the words to ask for help. I sat this morning during prayer time at work and I couldn't form one single sentence of prayer. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. I couldn't let out the cries of my heart.

Hope is there, and yet feels so unattainable. I have friends and family, and yet feel absolutely alone. I sat in service on Sunday, listening to everyone else singing, sobbing because I was surrounded by hundreds of people and yet I somehow felt alone. I knew then, and know now that it wasn't true. I wasn't (and am not) alone. But that's how I felt, and kind of still do.

In my head and in my heart is quite ugly right now. It's the horrible feeling of feeling overfull. I can see the good and the amazing things God is doing. I can feel the overwhelming pressure of life. I can hear the giggles of four little boys settling in for the night. I can sense God asking me to let it all go right now. And, if I am going to move forward, I have to do just that.

As I am writing this, "Be still and know that I am God" keeps popping in my head. Maybe, just maybe I don't have to move right now. Maybe I don't have to say anything to Him right now. Maybe I just need to be... He knows...

If The Devil Had His Way...

Wow, where has the time gone? Somehow it is now nearing the end of October! Thanksgiving and Christmas are rapidly approaching, and I somehow still feel left in August. So much has happened these past few months! God has been doing some truly AWESOME things in my personal life and in the life of able::life (our special needs ministry at church).

Somewhere along the journey of working for our church, God had called me to lead our special needs ministry. I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew God was wanting me there. It's taken 4 1/2 years, but God helped me to find my voice and more importantly my confidence to lead this ministry onto it's next steps. But here's the thing, it's taken 4 1/2 years... Not because it wasn't possible, but because I allowed the devil to have his way. I let fear and doubt interfere with what God was saying, which slowed everything down.

As so many awesome things are happening in the ministry, I have been thrown a curve ball. My health, which hasn't been the most spectacular this past year or so, has been interfering with daily life in significant ways. Some great doctors have helped work out most of the issues, but there's still one more thing left to deal with. I am scheduled to have surgery to remove my thyroid in 6 weeks, which should relieve the last nagging issues. Just as everything was falling into place, I find myself scared and unprepared. Fear has crept in and has definitely been overshadowing the many great things in my life. At times the fear and doubt consume my thoughts.

And, honestly, the same rings true at home. The boys have been doing amazing at school. They are growing into some amazing young men and I can see God's fingerprints in each of them. Their kindness towards others, their passion for life and even their spiritedness (or stubbornness in some) all show me that God has given us some amazing boys. I sit back and enjoy the laughter and silliness, and sometimes even the grossness four young boys brings. But I also fret over things that frankly I can't control. I spend so much time worrying and planning, hoping somehow that will keep my boys safe and help them succeed. I find myself doubting my abilities as a mom, leaving me in a place where I feel helpless.

And, if the devil had his way, I would remain paralyzed by the fear and doubt. If the devil had his way right now, I would probably curl up in a ball and never reach for the very things I was created for. But, thankfully, the devil doesn't get his way. Not when there's a God who is so much bigger than him. And certainly not when God has big plans (which He has for each of us)!

Of course the devil wants his way... He's terrified of what will happen when we follow God's lead. He is petrified of each of us fully becoming who God has created us to be. And so he finds ways to mess with us. He finds ways to crush our excitement, our joy. He keeps us focused on the fear, the doubt, and the junk in our life to ensure we can't see the amazing things happening in front of us.

I am so grateful that although the devil tries hard to skew what I think and feel, I hold onto the truth that God is so much bigger. I get distracted by fear, but only temporarily. The junk overshadows the amazing things God is doing, but not for long. Not because I have superpowers or because I am strong. It's because I KNOW God has a better plan than what the devil has planned, and God can squish the doubt and fear (and the devil).

I remind myself often that if the devil had his way, I would have never married Kevin. I would have remained stuck in a bad relationship that did NOT honor God. If the devil had his way, I would have never stepped foot into the able::life room that one Christmas Eve. And, if the devil had his way, God and I wouldn't have a relationship at all. BUT, the devil doesn't get his way. He doesn't win... He can't win... God has way too many plans for me (and you) to allow the devil to win.

To MY Mom, with Love

Well, it's Mother's Day, and I have to say, I am forever grateful to be privileged to celebrate today with my four boys and husband. Although the journey of being their Mama is not always easy, it is definitely a journey filled with joy! I have learned a lot about myself and about God through mothering them. But, there's someone else who I have learned so much from, and I thought it might be fitting to spend the next few paragraphs introducing you all to her...

 

 

35 years ago, God mapped out a plan for me that so intimately and delicately intertwined with my mom. He knew what type of mom I would need to grow and to mature and to succeed. He knew I would need a strong-willed, but patient woman to go up against my even stronger and less patient will. He knew I would need a mom who could teach me how to love my future husband, and how much forgiveness is an integral part of life. He knew I would need someone to shape me, to love me, and to eventually let me go and live life grounded in Him. There was no doubt in His mind that the best mom for me was MY mom.

 

Things, of course, haven't always been easy and not always pretty. Me being the opinionated, strong-willed daughter made for some good ol' conflict. Clothes shopping always brought out the worst in both of us when I was little. My tom-boy self would NOT be caught dead in a fru fru dress... Black, grey and blue were my favorite colors, so if it looked girlish, it wasn't going on my body! Some of that fear of fru fru still exists, but I have certainly expanded my wardrobe!

 

There were hard times like convincing my parents to let me live in NM my junior year of high school, which I didn't understand then, but now realize how much that had to have hurt them. (That's a LONG story for another time...) There was the refusal to go to Senior Prom, which I am sure my mom missed all the fun of prepping for that. There was even the refusal to walk in my own graduation, which my mom won that battle (but I was NOT happy about it). And there were those long conversations during my freshman year of college, when we discussed me possibly not returning to college in the fall.

 

I have so many wonderful memories that flood to mind when I think about my mom... I can remember her big, fluffy red robe she wore when I was just a little girl, and how it felt to be hugged by her in that robe. I can remember her trying to shield my sister and me from birds that were flying around the inside of our house as we ran to a bedroom. I remember coloring a lot together. I remember nights when she and I would lay in her bed watching silly shows, cuddling and laughing. There were nights of LONG talks, that I am sure seemed even longer to her. So many memories, so much fun!

 

My mom has amazed me at all the things she has accomplished, all of the things she put her mind to and did. She worked fulltime at the same company for 30 some years. Even though she hated driving the commute, and lots of changes happened within the company, she stayed loyal to the company and respectful to those she worked for and with. I didn't know what I was watching growing up, but as a woman in the work field now, I can totally see how important that was.

 

She went to college part time throughout a good part of my childhood. She worked, went to class, did homework, and still found time to be there when we needed her. She never missed a concert... Never missed the important stuff...

 

My mom loves God, trusts God, and serves God with an open heart. She has shown me, as well as my sister, how important God is in our lives. She ensured that we grew up knowing Him. She has always been a wonderful model of a God-fearing woman and wife.

 

I think what amazes me the most about my mom is that although she never had the love, the support, the connectedness with her mom, she somehow knew how to mother my sister and me. She didn't have the Godly example that she so lovingly has shown to us. She strived to give us the relationship she didn't have with her mom, and let me tell you succeeded. And, even though she didn't have that kind of relationship with her mom, she ALWAYS showed her mom love and respect. That says a lot about my mom all on it's own!

 

34 years ago, God gave me a mother that was just right for me, and a grandmother just right for my boys. As an adult, He has give me a best friend in her, and I am forever grateful for that friendship. I know it has NOT been easy to raise this strong-willed, impatient girl, but my mom has done it with love and grace. I would not be who I am today if it weren't for her.

 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I love you!

 

And Happy Mother's Day to all those out there reading this... May God bless you and those you "mother", even if they aren't your actual children!

 



Lessons from Tyler

In the almost 9 years of being a mom, my boys have taught me A LOT... From the quickest way to change a diaper to the best (and most efficient) way to make a mess. They have taught me about video games, super heroes, and all of the Disney Cars and Planes characters. They have even taught me which dinosaur fossils were found where, which by the way, there really IS a dinosaur named Gasosaurus (this of course being one of the favorites in our house).

There are SO many things I have learned as a mom, but many of the most significant lessons have been through Tyler... And since the little man is turning 7 in just a few days, I thought it might be fitting to spend some time focused on him and what he has taught me.

Tyler was the only one of our children who was NOT a surprise... We were ready for him, or so we thought! He came into this world in only 4 hours and a "push and a sneeze" as my husband says. He was healthy and BIG and we were thrilled!

That excitement quickly disappeared as we tried settling into a routine. The boy did NOT like to sleep... Two hours at a time for months and months. The poor couch had a permanent indentation from my body, as I "slept" on it every night. Tyler was miserable, fussy, and it was rare to see a smile on his face. The picture above was one of those few times we could capture a smile.

 

As hard as his first few months were (and even first couple years), those sleepless nights brought some great conversations with God. I had no choice but to talk, to cry, and to listen to God. I learned to rely on God for the strength to get up in the morning (or I guess it was more like to continue being awake in the morning). I learned that even if there was no one else around, that I wasn't alone. God had gotten me through many a sleepless night...

 

As Ty got older, we started seeing things that made us question whether he was "okay". There was no babbling, no gesturing, very little interaction with us or his brother. With a very heavy heart, we approached our doctor about these things. It was confirmed that Tyler had some significant developmental delays, and so we began the journey with Early Intervention.

 

As great as his therapists were (and they were AWESOME!), this was a very hard time for me. Accepting that my son wasn't "perfect" and that he might have significant issues the rest of his life was hard to swallow. But as time went on, and as I continued my late night talks with God, I began to see things differently. I realized God doesn't make mistakes when He creates us. He didn't make a mistake with Ty. He didn't accidently look away for a minute and OOPS, Tyler now has delays. NOPE, God made Tyler exactly how He wanted him to be. And as I fully accepted that, I also learned that God didn't make a mistake when He created me, either. (You can read more about this journey here: God Doesn't Make Mistakes )

 

As Tyler continued to grow and make amazing progress, we were astonished at what God was doing in Tyler. He became more cuddly, more loving, more jovial. His silly sense of humor started coming out. He almost became the exact opposite of who he was his first year and a half. His therapists and I were amazed by his progress, and I knew it was God's hand that helped hurry the progress along.

 

Our cranky, non-cuddly, miserable baby has turned into a happy-go-lucky, cuddly, pleasant boy who brightens everyone's day. The impact he has on those around him astounds me. Tyler loves life, loves people, and loves God. He enjoys laughing and being silly. He cares deeply for those around him. And, although we still have our moments (as we do with all of our children), he is a far cry from his early years.

 

Everyday Tyler teaches me how to be loving and kind to others. He asks for more time on tests for his friends. He hugs those around him who are having a rough day. He is the first one in the morning to joyfully say "Good Morning" and to wish people a "Happy Birthday", or whatever holiday/special might be going on. (And yes, he covers the minor holidays, like Presidents' Day and Groundhog's Day.)

 

When I lose sight of what matters, when I forget to be "nice", all I have to do is watch Tyler and he quickly reminds me what life is all about. It's about saying Hi to strangers just to make them smile. It's about meeting new friends at the park. It's about new jokes and laughter. It's about enjoying life to it's fullest, and I believe Tyler does that whole-heartedly.

 

Tyler has worked hard, persevered in the hard stuff, and has come out smiling! He is thriving in school, and has brightened his teacher's year. As he turns 7, it's hard not to celebrate all of the big (and little) things God has done in Tyler. Tyler has purpose here on Earth, and I know he is making his Heavenly Father proud! He certainly has made his Earthly parents proud!

By the way, this little face is the "I'm not happy with you, but I can't keep myself from smiling at you" face. This is quite a common face for him! (Thank you to Leigh G Photography for perfectly capturing Tyler!)

 

After the "I Do's"

 

"My precious gift from God, with Christ as my model, I promise to love and cherish you. To serve you and serve God with a willing heart. To help you stay grounded in Christ and His love. In times of sorrow and pain, I will be your shoulder to cry on. In times of joy, I will be your smile. I promise to support you through all stages of life, until God calls me home."

 

 

Those were the words Kevin and I said to each other 10 years ago when we stood in front of our closest friends and family, ready to spend the rest of our lives together. Little did we know how our lives would unfold. Little did we know how much sorrow and pain and joy there would be.

Kevin and I first met when I was a freshman in college. He was best friends with the guy I was dating. We met a few times, got each other's AOL Instant Messenger screen names, and when his best friend and I broke up, that was it... I thought that I would never see him (or any of the other York people I had come to know) again.

6 years later, as I was online, Kevin's screen name popped up on my computer. His message was short, and very much to the point: "I am cleaning out my AOL IM, if you do not remind me who you are, I will delete you." Yep, that's how it all began... A threat of deletion catapulted us into this amazing and crazy journey.

I knew who he was instantly. I remembered how he looked (you don't run into too many 6ft 4 red-headed guys). I remembered how sweet he was. He did NOT remember who I was, but we continued to chat online for about a month. We decided it was time to meet (again) in person, so I came out to York. We had a wonderful first date, and I learned a lot about him during that time. I learned that family was important to him. He showed me this by talking on the phone with his younger brother, who was stationed in Las Vegas, for half an hour while we were hiking. (Yes, I know for many the whole being on the phone for half an hour would have been a turn off...)  I also learned about his fear of snakes!

It only took us 2 months to figure out we wanted to marry each other. I knew he was the kind of man I wanted to spend my life with. He had the 3 non-negotiable qualities I needed in a man: a strong love for God, a love for children/teens, and a love for music. Without any significant hesitations from my parents (which was kind of surprising), Kevin was given their blessing to marry me.

We spent the next 6 months living in two different states, planning our lives together. Wedding plans went smoothly, thanks to my mom who took on the brunt of it. A dress was found, family friends became involved in the photos and flowers. The church I had spent my entire life in was reserved. We bought a house that Kevin worked on to get it ready for when I moved in. Everything was in place...

But no amount of planning could have prepared us for what we were about to begin... Nothing could have prepared our hearts for the journey God was taking us on. In those 8 months of courting and planning, we would never have believed the amazing things that would happen in the coming 10 years. 4 beautiful, loving, caring little boys. A brief, but joy filled (and sorrow filled) journey with our daughter. Medical issues, money issues. Medical healing, financial healing. Job changes upon job changes.

When we said our vows, we would have never been able to imagine how many times we would need each other's shoulders to cry on. Or how many smiles would come across our faces. We didn't know how hard it would be to stay grounded in Christ, but how fulfilling it would be to make it through the storm. We could not fathom the work and intentionality needed to serve each other, to love each other, even when we don't want to. We also could not fathom the overwhelming joy and contentment and peace that comes with being married, with sharing our lives, living our lives focused on God.

Kevin has been, and always will be, my precious gift from God. His strength, his joy, his silliness bring me balance in times I feel unsteady. His love for God and desire to serve Him energizes me. I believe with all of my heart that God smiled an extra big smile the day Kevin and I married.

As we continue on this journey, I pray that God continues to bless us with the pain and sorrow and joy and laughter. That He continues to be at the forefront of our hearts and our marriage. That He gives us the strength to love and serve each other, especially when it's hard. And that He will bless us with many more years to walk together.

To Love, To Honor, To Respect, To Submit...

Our 10 year anniversary is only a month away, and I have TONS of thoughts on love and marriage. When I said "I do" I had no idea how amazing AND how hard things would be. Some of the hardest things for me throughout these 10 years fall under these four words: Submit... Honor... Love... Respect...

Yep, all four words should be not only in our vocabulary, but in our hearts and in our actions, especially if we are wives. But, they aren't exactly the easiest things to do. Sure, to show love can be easy, particularly when we FEEL love. It becomes more challenging when that wonderful, mushy feeling isn't there anymore.

Respect can be relatively easy, too. Most of us are taught to be respectful at an early age, and so we have that skill set engrained in us. In the real world, we have learned to respect people, even if we may not agree with them. Respecting our husbands when we don't agree with them is a tad bit harder.

Honor and submission, I think, are the two hardest things to do as a wife. Honoring my husband doesn't just mean during times when I like him. Or when I agree with him. Or when I think he's the most amazing man in the world. Nope, honoring him must still be done when I don't like him. And when I don't agree with him. And, even when he's being a dingdong. We are called to honor our husbands by God. Honoring our husbands honors God. Honor is a VERB, it calls us to action. It requires intentionality.

Then there's the whole submitting thing. I have heard SO many women try to argue that in this day and age we shouldn't be submitting to our husbands. That it's antiquated and some even believe it's some form of us being slaves to our husbands. But here's the thing, God isn't calling us to be slaves to our husbands... He's calling us to do so much more! In Ephesians 5:22-24 (MSG), it says

"Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands."  (HUSBANDS you should note that there's work for you too! Continue reading the next couple verses!)

I LOVE this! It clearly states that we are to understand and support our husbands... He is our leader, the head of the household. We need to support him (even when we don't always agree). We need to understand him, and if we don't we need to continue to try to understand him. Submitting isn't about saying, "Yes, Master!" "Whatever you say, Master!" "What is your bidding, Master?" (We are not slaves or droids.) Submitting is about abiding to him and his needs, thoughts, desires...

Loving, respecting, honoring and submitting to our husbands isn't about feelings. Sure, when we FEEL great and wonderful things for our husbands, it's a lot easier to be and do those things. But, we are not to be fair-weather wives. We still need to love and respect, honor and submit, even when we don't WANT to. (Insert stomping of feet!)

This is where it becomes HARD. This is where our intentions and our attitudes greatly affect our actions. My attitude tends to get in the way of a lot of things, and this area of being a wife is NO exception. When I think I am right, I AM right. What I think is best to do, IS best. But here's the thing, sometimes what I think is right, what I think is best, does NOT feel right to my husband. Sometimes, I have to put my stubbornness aside and say, "I can't move on this unless Kevin is also on board. And since he's not, then I have to support his feelings." (NOT EASY TO DO, by the way!)

But it's not just about "giving in" or surrendering. It's about changing your heart from "fine, have it your way" (with a snotty tone included) to "I love you, and I don't want to force you into something you're not comfortable with." I can tell you from recent experience that the "fine, have it your way" is FAR from being respectful and honoring. It cuts deep in your husband's heart, and everyone around you can see your stinky attitude.

I know I won't always agree with my husband. After almost 10 years of marriage, I have learned that we do NOT see eye to eye on a good bit of things. He is not always the most attentive, caring, and giving man (but, hey, I am far from perfect, too). He is not always right. But how I treat him is not dependent on any of that. It's dependent on the fact that almost 10 years ago, I vowed to love him and honor him in all the great stuff AND in all the not so great stuff. It's not dependent on how I FEEL about him at that moment. It's dependent on the fact that I am called by God to love him, to respect him, to honor him, and to submit to him.

Let your LOVE, your RESPECT, your HONOR, and your SUBMISSION be VERBS, not just nouns. Let your heart and mind shift from what he is or isn't doing for you to what you can be doing for him. Keep your heart focused on what God is calling YOU to do, and let God and your husband work on your husband's stuff.

God's Hand is in Everything

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I was choosing to change my perspective, particularly when it came to life stuff. I have to admit, it has not been easy... Apparently, I can be quite the pessimist! But, with help from friends and family, I have been able to really see life from a different angle. An angle of optimism, of hope, of peace. Not-so-great things have still happened (and will happen), but how I see those things, how I tackle those things, has really changed.

One of the greatest benefits to this shift in perspective for me has been how I am able to see God's hand in so much more. I think I lived life knowing God was there, but could only see Him in the big stuff. You know, the most joyous moments, or the most catastrophic moments... But I think it was rare for me to find God in the day to day, mundane things. It wasn't that I didn't think He was there, it was just I didn't take the time to see Him.

These past few weeks have given me ample times to see Him. To see His grace, His love, His sense of humor (and yes, I think God has an awesome sense of humor. My Zachary is a prime example!). Through some things He has held me. In others, He has guided me. And, surprisingly, there have been times He has provided me with peace and patience (which for me, can ONLY come from Him, as patience is definitely not a strong virtue of mine!).

My husband and I began taking Financial Peace University (FPU) about 5 weeks ago. The decision to take the course did NOT come easy. We were both scared to face our financial issues, but knew we needed to if we were going to fix things. We also knew that we were in what we thought was a "no win" situation. We wanted to take the class, we NEEDED to take the class, but didn't have the money to pay for the class. Wouldn't you know, God took care of that... An anonymous giver paid for our fees to take the class. God knew what we needed, and doing His thing, made it happen!

So, with this class, we have learned a lot of valuable lessons on how to manage money better (by MANAGING our money). It's been great! But, I was NOT expecting to learn a lot of other lessons along the way. Like how to be a better wife, how to provide a lasting legacy for our boys, and most importantly, how God has His hand even in our financial life.

There are goals to be set and accomplished in FPU, none of which we could accomplish on our own. Saving $1000 for our emergency fund felt impossible. But, God showed up and provided unexpected opportunities to sell items and even for Kevin to have additional teaching opportunities. Things like my mom randomly texting me to say we could sell their old kitchen island was arranged by a God who cares deeply about us accomplishing our financial goals.

Last night, Kevin came to me and told me about some significant troubles our car is having. Something about the engine and oil leaking and rattling that shouldn't be happening. It's going to cost money, probably a good bit of money, to get it fixed. In the past, we would have panicked and then would have pulled out the good old credit card. But it's different now. Now, there's no freaking out... No credit cards needed. Rather, we have an emergency fund and the ability to save thanks to the additional teaching opportunities Kevin has. The car thing is a HUGE inconvenience. But, it is NOT a catastrophic event. And the fact that I can see that shows that God's hand is in this.

I am learning every day how much God wants to be involved in our lives. He doesn't want to sit back and watch. He is in no way a spectator. He wants to be an active member of our day to day happenings. Sometimes He wants to arrange surprises, sometimes He just wants to hold us. But He wants to be a part of every moment. Whether it's in the big things like getting married, having babies, or losing someone, or in the small things like car issues and financial goals, He wants and IS a part of it all. We may not see Him, but He's there. And we have the ability to see Him if we look.

The looking part is what I am striving to do...

A Roller Coaster Ride

There are very few things in life that I absolutely hate... Actually, I can really only think of one thing I absolutely, unequivocally despise... ROLLER COASTERS! There is nothing about a roller coaster that I like. The sound of the rattling track, the screams coming from other people only bring about anxiety for me. The feel of the car whipping back and forth does nothing for me, except make me ill. And let me tell you, there is NOTHING good that comes from the horrible feeling of my stomach in my throat as the car drops from the top of a hill.  NOTHING!

When I was little and living in New Jersey, we had visited Hershey Park and rode on the Comet. My memory of that ride was me being terrified, curled up under the bar where your feet are supposed to go. I remember being sick afterward and never EVER wanted to ride it again.

But, after marrying my husband and living only 25 minutes from Hershey Park, I put on my big girl pants and rode the Comet again (as well as some of the other roller coasters). And we returned for Kevin's birthday for another 2 years. By the last year, I had grown to despise the roller coasters. The horrible feeling with each drop became increasingly worse with each year. It got so bad that while on the last roller coaster I will ever ride, I looked at Kevin and said, "I hate you! I hate you!"  Now, I didn't really hate him, but I certainly did hate the roller coaster. I think Kevin finally figured out that there would be no more riding roller coasters with me!

There's a point to this story, I promise! I have equated my life on many occasions as being like a roller coaster (as do many other people). Life has ups and downs, and twists and turns. But, I realized for me that with my whole hating roller coasters thing, comparing my life to them was probably not a wise thing...

Life is exciting.  The thrills that I get from watching my boys grow up and seeing my husband enjoy the gifts God has given him are beyond amazing. I get a front row seat to watch Kevin continue to grow and become closer to God. I am an active participant in the lives of 4 very beautiful, awesome boys, who love God and each other.

Life is sweet and joyous. There have been so many precious moments in my life. Marrying Kevin was one of the most precious moments... I remember the feeling of walking down the aisle towards him, with joy-filled tears in my eyes, and a peace in my heart that God had great things planned for us. Meeting each one of my boys for the very first time brought such joy to my heart. Such a sweet and precious time connecting with them, praying for them.

Life is hard and emotional. Painful things happen, mistakes are made, rock bottom is found. But I find myself being ever so thankful for the hard stuff. It's in the hard stuff that I grow and learn the most. It's always in the hard times that I see how God truly is with me ALL the time. I might get angry, I might throw a tantrum or two (or sometimes ten), but in the end, I find myself thankful for the experiences. I cannot say the same for roller coasters!

Life is sad. Loss happens, and with that loss comes sadness and heartache. I have witnessed great sadness as friends and family have lost their loved ones. I have been to too many celebration of life services in the past year, some being for young children and teens. Death is a part of life, and it is beyond sad. And yet, with that sadness comes a peace, a glimmer of hope. For I know that death isn't the end. It's just the beginning... The beginning of a much better life than the one we have here on Earth.

Life is life. It's not like anything else in the world for me. There's no ride, no food, no single experience that I could use to sum up what life is like. I have been blessed with LIFE. I get to live life every day until God calls me home. And, unlike my experiences on roller coasters, I LOVE the ups and downs, twists and turns. The ups and downs, twists and turns means I am still alive. I still have a life to live for God. To experience his grace and love and blessings. To enjoy my boys, my husband, the ministries I serve in. To share life with others.

In my eyes, my life is no where near like being a roller coaster... It is SO MUCH BETTER!

A Little Perspective

These past few days I have been thinking a lot about perspective... The perspective a person takes shapes their entire way of thinking and believing. Perspective affects how we take on each day. And, lately, my perspective has had a very negative effect on my daily life.

For a while now, I have been kind of seeing myself as a victim. A victim of a chaotic and overwhelming life, poor decisions, and relational failures. I would even go as far as saying there were many a time when I felt helpless (and hopeless). Things both in my control and out of my control happened, and all I could really see were the negative things. My perspective each day was that this life is HARD, and it's always going to be HARD, and there's nothing I can do about it.

BUT, the pity party had to end. I am NOT a victim. I am not helpless. And I am certainly not hopeless. I just needed to spend less time (if not NO time) looking at the bad stuff, and way more time on the good stuff. I needed to find the awesome things that were happening... And, let me tell you, there are A LOT of awesome things happening!

For one, I have learned some amazing things about myself. Tough journeys and events in life always shape me more and more into who God created me to be. I am learning to trust myself more, rely on other's opinions less, and to stand on the two feet God gave me with confidence. Things have been hard, BUT I don't have to spend all of my time focused on it.

I have been blessed with an amazing family, who has been relatively healthy this winter. Yes, we've gotten the head cold thing, and 4 of the guys got the stomach flu, BUT none of us have been sick for very long. None of us have been deathly sick. And, although going through the sicknesses at the time STINKS (sometimes literally), we truly have been blessed. We've had medications to help with symptoms, antibiotics to kick out the germs, and comfy beds and couches to rest on. There could definitely be worse places to be when sick!

We've been faced with tough decisions, and like I have said before, I miss the days when my hardest decision was what to have for lunch. Do we send Ben to Kindergarten or keep him in Preschool another year? How do we deal with the ever changing issues Tyler has been struggling with at home? What areas can we cut out of our budget? What can we sell, what do we keep? Should one of us get a second job?

Yep, that's the kind of stuff we have been facing. Some were easier than others to decide on. What I lost sight of were the amazing things that will come out of those decisions. No matter what would be decided, God would have blessed us. He would be present with Ben whether he went to Kindergarten or Preschool. God has always been, and always will be, with Tyler and us through the daily struggles of extreme chattiness and meltdowns. God's hand has ALWAYS been guiding us through our financial issues and He has blessed us time and time again.

My lack of a positive perspective left me feeling isolated, overwhelmed, and lost. My negative perspective kept me buried in the junk and messiness of my life. When I began to change what I was looking at, what I would focus my attention on, I started to see past the messiness. I started to see the amazing things that were happening amidst the junk.

The junk is going to happen. And messiness is just a part of life on earth. BUT, I don't have to let it bury me. I can spend my time looking at my 4 beautiful boys, and how their lives are starting to unfold. God has really blessed my husband and me with them... There's not a day that goes by that God isn't using them and growing them.

I have a lot of things to be thankful for, a lot of blessings that fill my heart with joy: good jobs, great family and friends, opportunities to serve God, a solid plan to get financially stable. Bad things WILL happen. Life will get messy, and sometimes stay messy for a while. Just because it's happening, or going to happen, doesn't mean I have to spend my time and energy in it.

The perspective we have impacts our daily life. It impacts our heart, our minds, and our soul. It affects our relationships, especially our relationship with God. When we shift our perspective from negative to positive, we open ourselves up to so MANY opportunities of joy and grace and contentment. The hardest part about having a positive perspective is maintaining it... And that, my friends, I am still working on!

Squelching Fear

So, I have to admit that I live a life in a lot of fear... But I'm not afraid of things that most people are afraid of. I'm not afraid of heights, or small spaces, or germs. I'm not afraid of sharks (but then again, I have never been in a place where I would need to be afraid of them). I'm not afraid of snakes, unlike my husband. I do have a healthy fear of bees, but I feel that it's a reasonable fear, since, well, they sting and whatnot.

No, my fears are bigger. My fears are life-altering and have held me back from many things. They impact my daily life, and it's time I once and for all release them. The first step: admitting to what they are.  I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of succeeding. And, I am afraid of being "stuck" in maintenance mode.

When you look at my three biggest fears, it kind of explains the conundrum I am in. I'm afraid to fail, so I am super cautious to try anything I don't already know how to do. I am afraid to succeed, and so I constantly get in my own way to keep me from doing more. And, by not trying new things and by getting in my own way, I force myself to never truly move out of maintenance mode. Maintenance mode is not a place I like to be in. It's a vicious cycle of my life that I so desperately need to stop.

But, it's not that easy. The second step for me to release my fears is to know what I need to do with them. If I want to move past the fear of failing, I need to trust that even IF I fail, I will be okay. (And, well, we all know that failure is a part of life and that it WILL happen.) If I want to move past my fear of succeeding (and yes, I know it sounds a bit odd), I need to trust in the person that God created me to be, AND trust that God has got my back. If I want to relieve the fear of being "stuck" then I need to work on the other fears, which takes a whole lot of trust in God.

The answer to my fears (and to yours)... TRUST. Yep, one small five letter word is all I need to move from fear to a life of living. And yet, that one word is probably my biggest stumbling block. I struggle to trust who I am, my decisions, my ideas. I struggle to trust people. And the older I get, the more I realize the biggest trust issue I have is with God.

I trust God with the things I can see and predict. I trust him with my boys, my husband, my family. I believe in what He has done in my life and others' lives. I KNOW the amazing things He has taught me in my 34 years. I can see His hand in my life. But, somehow, I still struggle to trust Him with the things unknown in my life.

I struggle to trust in who He has made me. That struggle comes out in my lack of self-confidence and the constant conversations in my head that go against everything God says about me and my worth. My husband and friends and family remind me often of who I am and the things I have to offer this world. I try to hold on to that, but ultimately, it's a wasted effort because I end up internally disputing all they say. (Insert the many moments my husband and friends and family want to bang their heads against a wall or want to shake me.)

My fears can't be helped by my husband, my friends, or my family. My deep rooted fears can only be squelched by putting my TOTAL TRUST in God. To put every ounce of my being into believing in the person God has created me to be. To believe that my unique giftings and perspective were given to me to do good for Him. To trust that He knows what He's doing with me and through me.

It is time for me to not let my fear of failure run my life. I will fail. I will probably fail often. I will fail as a mom, a wife, a friend, a director. I will fail to remember important things. I will fail financially. BUT, I will survive each and every failure. I will take each failure and will get up, dust myself off, and try again.

It is time for me to stay out of my own way and to allow success to happen. I don't know what that success will look like. It could be the small desires of my heart, or even the large desires of my heart. But, success will happen. I just need to move out of God's way, and trust Him. (Of course, I will need to make a major shift in my daily conversations with myself.)

God is doing some amazing things and I want to be a part of it. And so, it is time that I no longer live in fear. I will still feel the fear (because unfortunately, I cannot snap my fingers and make it disappear), but I do not have to live in it. I have the choice to feel the fear and give it to God or to hold on to it. I have held on to my feelings of fear for too long. It is time to give it all to God.

So, watch out world. I am coming, and I will not run away. (Unless of course there's a swarm of bees... In which case, I'm gonna be running!)

In the Silence

First off, Happy New Year! It's crazy to think another year has past... It's even crazier to think another year is upon us.

It's been a while since I have last written. And I would love to say it's just because I have been very busy. BUT, honestly, it's because I've been running... Running away from the sweet moments with God that always come with writing. I have tried to avoid the deafening sounds of the silence that leaves me vulnerable and often times scared of what God will reveal to me. I haven't wanted to truly face the emotions and thoughts that have been filling my head and heart these past several months. The silence that is here in this moment feels more like an overwhelming flood than a peaceful wave.

BUT, it's time... It's time I face the silence, and all that comes with it. It's time for me to be real and vulnerable and frankly, UGLY. God's been calling me to this quiet time for weeks. He's been wanting to connect with me, but I have found every excuse in the book to avoid it. I have run out of excuses and energy.

A lot of different things have happened in the past months that have been painful to go through. There's been loss, hurt, a sense of betrayal, struggles with parenting, struggles with health, struggles to find my place and purpose... With each moment came a sense of defeat, a feeling that my heart couldn't take another blow. I was left longing to run to God's arms. For Him to wrap His arms around me like my earthly father does, and to hold me until all seemed right again. But I felt I couldn't run to Him. For some time, I wasn't sure I could fully trust Him. I see Him as a father, but no father would ever allow for their child to get hurt. And He did (or so I felt). He knew what was coming and gave me no warning. No head's up that my life was going to change, and that change would bring heartache.

A friend helped me to see that it wasn't that God allowed these things to happen to hurt me, but to help me grow. His plans, although painful to go through sometimes, are ultimately to make me who He wants me to be. But, I still sit here in the silence uncomfortable. Awkwardly aware that this quiet time brings out the best in me AND the worst in me. The growth I have made, the insight I have gained does very little to squash the hurt and anger and utter exhaustion that stirs in my heart.

I want nothing more than to bring God my best, and only my best. So I have avoided meeting with Him because I have very little "best" to bring Him. The act of avoidance has been exhausting, fighting off the many attempts God has made to reach me. But, He is getting through to me and He's using my 4 year old son to do it.

Benjamin LOVES to sing, and he has really taken to the song "Greater" by MercyMe (which I highly recommend you all listen to). And so, he sings it incessantly. He'll be playing with his brothers and will suddenly break out in song. He wakes up singing it and goes to sleep singing it. We have watched the music video more times than I can count. The song has become a nonstop musical number in my head. I never really listened to the words. But as he continued to sing it over and over and over again, I began to listen to what he was singing. (It's very hard to ignore a cute 4 year old singing!)

"Bring your doubts
And bring your fears
Bring your hurt
And bring your tears
There'll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed"

I have been avoiding connecting with God because all I really had in my heart was doubt, and fear, and hurt. All very ugly things. And the song reminds me that God wants me to bring those things to Him. He won't condemn me or judge me. He just wants to hold me, and love me, and remind me that I am His. It's taken a 4 year old little boy singing to bring me back to this quiet time. To not be afraid to bring my ugliness into the silence. And to not be afraid of what the silence will bring for me.

We all have times in our lives where we long for God and yet push Him away at the same time. But I need to remember that no matter how much I push Him away, He is always trying to pull me closer. And He will use whatever is necessary to reach me (and you). Let Him reach you. Let Him pull you close and tell you that you are His and you are loved. It's worth the awkward (and sometimes painful) moments in silence.