The Effort Pays Off

Since Tyler was 14 months old, we have had therapists in our house at least twice a week...  We have had therapy balls, theraputty, weighted pressure vests, and a whole gammat of other therapy items strewn about our house.  We have had to be intentional about everything.  And, when I say everything, I mean EVERY THING.  From keeping to a schedule, to talking to Tyler (and now Benjamin) a very specific way, to even intentionally breaking from routine.  We have had to be "intentionally spontaneous" with Tyler and with Ben to teach them that changes happen.  When interacting with either boy, there is a constant thought of "how can this be a learning opportunity?"  Sometimes, it's more of a thought of "how will this affect the next goal or step?"

Being intentional is TOUGH!  It's tiresome.  Sometimes, I just want to go through a day and not have to think.  There are moments that I wonder if the work, the effort is really worth it.  Especially when it feels like Ben isn't making progress or Tyler seems to be regressing some.  BUT, when I hit that moment of being unsure, God blesses me with a glimpse into WHY I do what I do. 

For instance, yesterday Benjamin climbed up into one of the kitchen chairs, grabbed a sippy cup off the table, and then proceeded to walk into the living room.  At first, I thought he was going to drink it, but instead, he took it to Zachary and handed it to him, while saying "Zachary"!  Two days ago, I swore that Ben had no idea who any of his brothers were.  He barely acknowledges them or me or Kevin.  The moment he gave the cup to Zachary, I realized he's getting it!  That moment gave me enough confirmation to keep on doing the hard work. 

There have been other times when it has been made clear to me why my intentionality is worth the effort...  Tyler's amazing progress these past 3 years is definitely worth the effort!  He went from being non-verbal, non-social, and miserable, to being a chattery social butterfly who is typically happy and silly!  Had Kevin and I chosen to not do the work, Tyler would most likely still be where he was 3 years ago...

Intentionality is not just for those with Special Needs children.  It's for everyone.  God asks us to be intentional with our lives.  The decisions we make, the paths we journey on are all times when we should be purposeful.  Even small decisions, such as whether or not we should buy those awesome sandals, should be dealt with intentionality, as it affects something bigger (like our wallets!).  How we interact with people, whether a friend from church or a stranger at the bank, has an impact on our lives.  How we react to bad service at a restaurant or a driver who has cut us off is a reflection of who we are and the God we serve.  And God wants us to be aware of that...  He wants us to choose our words carefully.  He wants us to reflect HIS love and grace.  We can't do that unless we are intentional about the things we say and do. 

It's hard work being intentional...  But, the effort pays off!  Tyler and Benjamin are proof of that!

A Different Experience

For as long as I can remember, Easter has been this big, somewhat emotion-filled, joyous holiday.  When I was little, I went to all of the Easter cantatas.  Once I was old enough, I sang in the cantatas.  The music, the story, all of it just filled my heart.  I always felt so connected to God during those 80 minutes of worship and services.  My parents invited "the widows and orphans" (those we knew who had no where else to go) for dinner and you could just feel God oozing out of everyone. 

There was a slow change to our Easter traditions...  When Kevin and I got married, the first year, we drove back to NJ to see the Easter cantata.  Then, slowly, children were born, my parents moved to PA, and cantatas were a thing of the past.  It was okay, because we still were able to attend our church for the most important service: Easter Sunday service.  I still was able to get the emotion from the music and the sermon.

This year, everything was different.  My new role as Nursery/Preschool Director turned Easter into something very different.  Activities needed to be planned for Good Friday Services, for our extra Easter services, as well as preparing for our normal Sunday classes.  Childcare needed to be planned out and scheduled.  Normal volunteers were away, leaving holes for Sunday.  Even with other team members, I wound up overseeing 4 out of 6 of the services' childcare.  I didn't get to enjoy the emotion-filled services.  I didn't get to experience God and Easter the way I always have.

For the last couple of days, I have been feeling rather down about not experiencing God the way I used to.  In fact, the last few years, I have been mourning the loss of how things used to be.  Getting into a FULL church service is tough.  Being a part of a small group is a challenge.  We may be able to GET to the small group event, but actually doing to "homework" is next to impossible. I can't tell you the last time that I was able to go to anything God centered and actually be able to be fully there...

I suddenly realized something as I was sitting here pouting about what I have missed this year.  I realized that I actually experience God MORE now in my busy and crazy life than I did even when I was younger and less busy.  My busyness has caused me to be more intentional about the time I do have with God.  Rather than reserving my time to experiencing God to church services and bible studies, I now am very intentional to experience God no matter where I am or what I am doing. 

When I am folding laundry (which is more often than I would like), I pray for each of my boys and for my husband.  While washing dishes, I thank God for the provisions He has provided.  I use my 20 minute drive time to and from work to just focus on God, whether with music or with silence.  When I check on our 4 sleeping boys, I quietly pray over each of them.  I don't get hours of prayer and reflection.  It's just not possible.  Lately, I haven't even had 70 minutes to get into a church service.  BUT, I use the time that I have to stay connected.

Don't get me wrong, I WANT to get back to going to church regularly.  I NEED to get back to going to church regularly I look forward to a day when I can go to an Easter service and just enjoy the service.  But, in some ways, my time with God is better now than it ever has been.  The intentionality I have now to spend time with God is so much greater than anything in the past.

God wants me to be connected to Him.  My time with Him doesn't have to look the same as anyone else's.  My time with Him can't look the same as other people.  I know many empty-nesters who can spend hours a day in meditation and prayer.  But, it wasn't always like that for them.  I know young married couples who can spend time in bible studies together.  It may not always be that way for them.  For this season of my life, my time with God looks VERY different than many others.  And, I am okay with that.

Missing Sammy

Today is a very special and very sad day all wrapped into one.  Today marks 5 years since we lost our daughter, Sammy.  I thought I would spend a few moments sharing about her and the journey I have been on since finding out we were expecting her.

5 months after Patrick (our first) was born, we were surprised to find out we were expecting another baby.  Shock was pretty much all we felt initially.  This baby was not in our plans.  There wasn't much we could do, but work on getting excited about the inevitable...  Our family was growing! 

After a couple weeks, we had embraced the idea of having another baby.  We were excited to have 2 babies in the house.  We knew Patrick and this new baby would be great friends.  Kevin started working on the new room for Patrick so that the baby could move into the nursery.  We had heard the baby's heartbeat and knew that God was blessing us.

And, then, one morning, everything changed.  15 weeks into my pregnancy, there was spotting, and I knew something was wrong.  I made an appointment with my OB and an ultrasound for that day.  I remember waiting in the waiting room for over an hour because there was a back up with patients.  I sat there praying harder than I think I have ever prayed, just asking for God's healing. 
Once called back, I clearly remember laying on the table with the ultrasound technician telling me that sometimes it takes a minute or two to find the sweet spot to see the heart.  After 5 minutes, with no sign of a heartbeat, he called in another technician.  And, after another 5 minutes, a call was made to my OB. 

There was no heartbeat.  I stared at the screen, wishing the baby's heart to suddenly start beating.  But, that didn't happen.  Rather, the doctor's nurse came to take me up to a private office.  There, in an office filled with pictures of the OB's large family, the OB explained to me what I had already figured out.  We had lost our baby...  The rest of that morning and afternoon are a blur.  I know I had to sit with the scheduling nurse to arrange the surgery necessary.  I know I headed back to work to pick up Patrick.  And, somewhere along the way, I know that I went to the hospital for surgery.

There were so many times that I just wanted to break down, but there was something keeping me from losing it.  Kevin and I even sat waiting before the surgery joking around with the nurses.  But, it hit me on our way home.  I sat in the car weeping.  I vividly remember sobbing that they "took my baby".  It was devastating.  And poor Kevin just didn't know what to do to help me.  We named the baby Sammy, so that we could grieve fully.

We gave permission for them to do testing to see if they could find the cause of the miscarriage.  And, weeks later, we found out not only that the baby died from a genetic disorder, but that the baby was a GIRL.  (And as most know by now, she was our ONLY girl.)  The guilt that I believe both Kevin and I had dissipated as we learned there was absolutely nothing we could have done.  We had to accept that GOD's will was for Sammy to be with HIM.  (Which, by the way, was NOT an easy thing.)

I say that this day is not only sad, but special.  This was the only day I ever got to SEE Sammy.  This was more importantly the day that I truly realized that God was ultimately in control.  I had no choice but to follow Him, to lean on Him, and to trust Him.  I would not have survived without God's love and grace.  There were definitely moments of temper tantrums on my part...  But, He held me and loved me, even during my fits.

I miss our baby girl.  My heart aches to see her just one more time.  I want to know who she looks like.  Could she actually look like me, with dark eyes and hair?  Or does she look just like her brothers do?  Does she have Kevin's fun loving spirit or my sensibility?  Someday, I pray that I will find out.  But, for now, I hold on to the fact that God had plans for her, even though she never saw the light of day.  And someday, her brothers will know about her.  Everyone should know about her...

Whose Voice?

I often find myself struggling to listen to God's voice...  I tend to hear my own inner voices (which are typically NOT the most positive) or I rely on the voices of those nearest to me.  Overall, the voices of those I am closest to are positive and re-affirming, and just plain nice to hear.  My husband's voice or my mom's voice help me become grounded again when my own voice starts to tear me down.  BUT, God's voice, I often miss because I am not quiet enough to hear Him.

Sometimes, there are other voices that say some very hurtful things.  Things that are not necessarily true or accurate.  Those voices, although they don't happen nearly as often, are always the loudest.  They are the voices that I cannot shake.  They spit out judgements and painful words that can cripple me.  One of those voices can outweigh the 20 other voices that have good things to say.  What's worse is that that one hurtful voice and opinion can mute out God's voice all together for me.

It shouldn't be that way.  No human's words or voice should ever mask God's voice... But, I find myself sometimes not hearing HIS voice over the hurtful voice.  I begin to believe what others say about who I am or what I have done.  I lose sight of who God thinks I am.  I get so engrossed in one person's opinion of me that I no longer can see what God sees. 

It's not easy for me to let go of what other people say about me, especially when it's negative.  I guess you could say I am very "thin" skinned.  But, I have to remember that ultimately, all that matters is what God says and thinks.  HE loves me.  HE created me to be me.  HE has plans for me.  And, if I choose to listen to everyone else, I can easily miss what HE is saying. 

I, in no way, have mastered listening to God's voice.  I struggle daily to ensure that the decisions I make are based on what God wants.  Negative emails, phone calls, in person conflict can devastate me in a matter of moments.  BUT, I strive to push all of it aside and listen to HIM.  It isn't easy.  AT ALL.  But, there is no better voice to listen to than that of our FATHER. 

Everything You Need

Our household has been spectacular this cold season in sharing every boogie nose and nasty cough that has passed through.  The youngest 2, especially.  They are tired and cranky and they make going through a day rather challenging. 

Zachary is getting over his cold, and Benjamin is just starting to suffer from the chest cold.  I know this because I spent much of my night up with him.  He would sleep for half an hour or so, and then wake up crying.  I tried giving him medicine, but I'd have an easier time giving a real monkey medicine.  Medicine spilled, got spit out ON me, and by midnight, I was pretty much out of ideas. 

To add to the sleepless night, once Ben finally fell asleep, this mama kept having nightmares.  There were at least 3, all with the same general idea: LOSS.  Loss of Kevin, loss of the boys.  They seemed so very real.

With all of that said, the alarm went off at 5:30 for Kevin, and I woke up exhausted!  I have felt this way many times throughout the course of the past 5 years.  Having kids will do that to you... 

I do not drink coffee or any caffeinated drinks, so I have no artificial energy to pull from.  There are mornings (like today) where I am not sure how I will even get OUT of bed, let alone get 4 boys up, dressed and fed.  My tired prayer of, "Please, Lord, help me survive the day" is barely audible as I crawl into the shower.  But, by the time my shower is over and I am snuggling with bright eyed children, I have enough energy to start my day.  The energy (maybe lower than normal) is enough to sustain me through the day.  I always survive, sometimes even accomplish things along the way.

It's not my shower that gives me the energy.  It's nothing I do that sustains me throughout the day.  It's all God.  He gives me EVERYTHING I need to get through not only the whole day, but every moment within the day.  There are times I am praying that He can give me enough energy to get the dishes done.  Or sometimes, it's a prayer to give me enough motivation to tackle the laundry.  And, there are many times I pray that He helps me NOT to put my whiney, fighting children out on the porch with a FREE sign. 

I can't imagine my day without God.  I can't imagine how I could ever make it through days like today without HIS help.  When I ask (and sometimes when I forget to ask), He is always there to give me everything I need to make it through each moment.  Even if it's just a little extra energy...

Celebrate the Little Things

I sent out an email to my co-workers yesterday celebrating a milestone for our son Tyler.  As I wrote this email, tears of joy filled my eyes.  A little thing like going to the dentist became a significant blessing to us. 

"As some of you may know, our 2^nd son, Tyler, was born with some significant developmental delays.  In May of 2011, we were told he was mildly autistic.  We had been in Early Intervention for 2 years before his diagnosis.  He had already made a lot of progress that even his therapists couldn’t explain.  Tyler went from a child who sat in our living room screaming every day, not wanting to be held or comforted, to an extremely happy, loving little boy.  We can even sit with him on the couch, where he will tolerate some cuddling!

One of the biggest issues we have faced with him has been his sensory needs.  The way he takes in the world around him is nothing like you or I would.  Sounds that we may barely hear sound like sonic booms to him.  Shirts that are soft to us may feel like a scouring pad to him.  His sensory issues have caused everyday occurrences to be a bit more challenging.  Through therapy, a lot of work at home, and a wonderfully loving and gracious God, we have tackled many of his issues.

Today, he had his dentist appointment.  To you, that may not be a big deal.  To us, it’s ginormous.  His first 2 appointments, he literally kicked and screamed, terrified of everything around him.  He wouldn’t even allow them to put the paper bib on him.  At his last visit, he had to be sedated just so they could count how many teeth he had.  Up until that point, they did not even know how his teeth looked.  Today, he bravely walked into the exam room, and although scared, allowed the dentist to count his teeth.  And then, with a little coaxing, he even allowed for his teeth to be cleaned!!!  He hummed songs that calm him, and when it was all done, he shouted, “I’m done!  Now I get my balloon!” 

I know to many of you, this may not sound like it’s that big of a deal.  But for the Schussler family, this is probably one of the biggest moments.  God has been so very gracious to us.  He gave us a beautiful little boy to help grow.  He has given us these wonderful, sweet moments to remember that HIS hand is in everything!"

These sweet moments are everywhere around us.  From Tyler succeeding at the dentist, to Benjamin imitating the word "Grammy", to the daffodils that are showing signs of blooming...  God's hand is in everything around us.  We may not see those moments because we are too busy.  Or maybe because we are too focused on the BIG PICTURE.  But, I have learned that the little moments are what sustains me.  Taking time to celebrate the little things gives me momentum to go for the big things, even the hard things. 

God blesses us DAILY, even when it might not feel like it.  Even in the times that I have felt life couldn't get any harder, the blessings were always there.  And, today, as I continue to face the challenges of 4 boys (2 with special needs), a full-time job, a husband, and the desire to focus on my own personal growth, I know with confidence that each day, if I stop and look, blessings will be in abundance.  And no matter the size, the blessings deserve to be celebrated!

Who I Am

For the last few years, I have been on a journey to fully know who I am in Christ.  It has been a tough, but very rewarding journey.  There are so many things I have learned about myself and about God, it could probably take several books to express it all!

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago, I was unable to see the worth that I had in Christ.  I felt my worth was based on what I could contribute in my home, as well as at work.  I was worth something IF I could bring home the much needed money or can get ALL of the chores/cleaning done in the house.  I was only contributing to my friends and family IF I was able to "fix" the problems or help them financially.  I couldn't see what I could bring to the table without DOING stuff.  But, after losing my job, I suddenly needed to learn a lesson I should have learned a long time before that.  I had worth whether I was working or not, whether I cleaned the entire house or only the bathroom.  It didn't matter to God what I was doing, because I was HIS child. 

As I started fully embracing the idea that I was a child of God, I started to reflect on who God made in me.  I have been exploring the strengths (and weaknesses) that I possess.  What I once saw as unfixable flaws in myself, I can now see as areas of growth to work on.  I have learned to use the strengths He has given me to fulfill HIS purpose for me.  More importantly, I have learned to be comfortable IN the strengths He has given me.  Up until this past year, I wasn't really comfortable in my own skin.  I didn't know how to be ME, to embrace the "wonderfully and fearfully made" ME. 

If you had asked me back in August of 2010 where I would be in February 2012, I would NEVER had said I would be the Nursery and Preschool Director.  I didn't think I had it in me...  I was just an average woman with no spectacular skills or leadership qualities.  BUT, God knew what He was doing.  And, as He helped me grow in Him, He opened doors I never thought would open for me.  My confidence has grown immensely.  But, it's not confidence in only myself...  It's confidence in myself when I am wholly leaning on God.  I CAN do anything through Christ, if it's God's will.

My growth these past few years have impacted me and my family (and my job) in ways that I can't even put into words.  The moment I realized who I really am in God was the moment my life changed forever.  Bad things still happen.  Tough times still come, and will continue to come for the rest of my life.  But, knowing who I am, knowing that God truly loves me and has a purpose for ME, makes the tough times more manageable.  And, it makes the triumphs and joys EVEN BETTER! 

When I die, I want to know that I have lived my life fully for God.  I want to know that my friends and family will describe me as wholly devoted to Christ and HIS plans.  Most importantly, I want to know that when I meet Jesus that He is proud of the woman I became...  The woman God had created me to be.