If we had the ability to see into the future, life would definitely be much easier. If we could see what we are supposed to do, what decisions to make, and even what God is trying to teach us, we all would probably feel less like fish floundering around on the beach and more like graceful swimmers fish are meant to be. Unfortunately, life is NOT like that. Each day, we have to make decisions based on what we know from our past and goals we have for the future. God is there giving us guidance, but never clear cut "do this" directions. He certainly doesn't sit down next to us and say, "this is what I want you to learn today. This event you need to learn this, and tomorrow, when faced with a certain decision, choose this option." How awesome would that be if that was how things worked?!
But the reality is that the lessons we learn, the decisions we make, are all based on past experiences and the gentle nudging of God's promises. It is fascinating to see how God uses your past experiences and lessons you have already learned to build upon new experiences. Benjamin and our journey with him has been an experience built on some lessons learned and definitely new lessons to be learned.
Benjamin (or "naughty monkey" as we so lovingly call him) came as a bit of a surprise for us! After the surprise of our 3rd son, we had decided 3 children in 3 years was plenty. My husband arranged for a vasectomy and went in for his consultation when Zachary was 5 months old. A week later, we found out we were expecting baby number 4. Yes, another baby conceived on birth control. (If you are keeping track, Ben was baby number 3 to be conceived while on birth control.) Since I had finally learned that God's timing is way better than my own, the panic and fear was not so deep. Rather, we embraced the new adventure set before us. (We also went ahead with the vasectomy that was scheduled!)
Although I was not thrilled to be pregnant again and the idea of gaining baby weight AGAIN did not make me happy, it was a pretty decent pregnancy. Chasing 3 other boys made things challenging, but we made it work. When Ben was born, he was a handsome little boy. He was very different than his brothers in personality. He was a "high maintenance" baby, something we were not used to. To this day, Benjamin still does not sleep through the night consistently.
As Ben got older, we started to realize his miserableness might not just be from his personality, but from something deeper. He doesn't talk much, and the words he can say he repeats over and over and OVER. Having been through delays and quirky behavior once before, we knew what needed to be done. Early Intervention was called in, and we are facing weekly therapy sessions yet again. For us, it's just a way to help Benjamin grow and meet the potential God has for him. The lesson learned from our experiences with Tyler has made this journey with Ben slightly easier. I know that God made no mistakes when creating Benjamin.
But here's where that clear cut conversation with God about what decisions to make and what lessons need to be learned would be spectacular... Benjamin is still a "high maintenance" baby. Benjamin still does not sleep through the night. As he did this morning, he wakes up way too early (like 5AM too early!) As a very tired mom of 4, I find myself struggling to be the happy and loving mom Ben deserves. I struggle to give him the smiling face that the other 3 boys have had when I would get them in the mornings. Ben's and my relationship feels strained, which is a feeling I have not had with my other boys.
Don't get me wrong, Benjamin is a wonderful little boy! He is curious and inquisitive. He is loving in his own way and has a very humorous personality. What I struggle with is how much energy he requires and how little sleep he allows me to have. I often find myself saying "if you would let me get sleep, I would be a much better mommy."
I don't know what God is trying to teach me, if He's even trying to teach me anything... What I do know is that God has blessed me with Benjamin and that I need to hourly remind myself of the BLESSING, rather than the lack of sleep and the struggles. And, although it seems like I am floundering around like a fish out of water, with God's promises and gentle nudging, I can be a graceful swimming fish.
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