An Honest Moment

I have promised to keep an honest blog, and honest I will be... 

Parenting for me is like a roller coaster ride.  There are definitely ups and downs.  The ups are thrilling and fulfilling.  They are those moments when our 2 year old sings his ABC's backwards, or our 5 year old receives an award at school for being an Outstanding Citizen.  When the boys show love to each other or to their peers, it's an almost euphoric moment.  My heart soars when the boys hug me and tell me they love me.  The highs are amazing!

But, as with roller coasters, there are the lows.  These are the moments that make me feel defeated or heartbroken.  These are moments when Patrick is sad because someone at school made fun of him or when I lose my temper over something small.  The lowest low for me is where I am at now...  I feel utterly defeated as a mom because I do not know how to comfort Ben. 

This feeling is familiar to me, as I found myself feeling this way when Tyler was the same age.  Ben doesn't communicate in the way a typical 1 1/2 year old communicates.  He doesn't point to the snack he wants or gestures to the toy he wants.  He doesn't say, "juice" or "cookie".  Instead, he cries.  More like screams.  He follows me around screaming until I figure out what he needs.  I have a mental list of things he likes and could possibly want, and I try it all.  Cups get pitched at me, tempers flare, and a little monkey remains very miserable.  There are times, like yesterday, where he just cries and cries, and there is absolutely nothing I can do for him.  There's no cuddling, as he is NOT a fan of cuddling.  When I try to hold him, he pushes me away, and yet you can tell he wants to be comforted. 

As a mom, I should be able to comfort each of my children.  I have long given up on being a perfect mommy, but there are things that I feel I should be able to do.  Meeting my children's basic needs is one of them.  And, when I can't do it, I feel quite defeated.  I know that it's not me...  It's not that I am doing anything wrong.  It's the nature of Ben's sensory issues, as it was with Tyler.  But, it doesn't change the fact that my son is upset and I can't help him. 

Therapy will help us with this.  We will not only be able to figure out what his needs are, but also how to meet them.  Until then, I struggle to remind myself that I am doing all I can do.  That although there is no instant comfort for Benjamin, we are doing everything we can to find the comfort he needs.