Living with self-doubt

In the past few weeks, I have been spending many moments reflecting on this past year as well as my life as a whole.  At our All Staff Meetings twice a month, people on our staff have been sharing their "story".  This has been such a blessing to hear how God has shaped the people I work with.  At some point, it will be my turn to share my story, which has led me to spend a good bit of time reflecting.

Of course, with 2012 rapidly coming to an end, it is even easier for me to get wrapped up in reflection...  More so, I find myself thinking about what I will do differently for 2013.  I am NOT one for New Year's resolutions.  I know myself well enough to know that I would never stick with it.  By February, I am typically back to how I was before. 

There are tons of things I COULD resolve to do.  There are things about myself that could definitely use some change...  My nails would be very grateful if I could stop biting them.  If I let go of my fear of wearing bright colors I might have a better wardrobe.  And, if I could change my over-the-top love for caramel creams to just an infrequent like, I might just lose the last few baby pounds. 

But, for me, I am not motivated to change any of those.  I am not uncomfortable enough to put forth the effort needed to stop nail-biting, wearing dull colors, and I am certainly not even close to being uncomfortable enough to change my obsession with caramel creams.  BUT, what I have realized is there is an aspect of me that needs to change NOW. In fact, it's something that should have changed YEARS and YEARS ago...

For as long as I can remember, I have allowed my life to be run by my self-doubt. No matter what I was doing, no matter what was asked of me, my self-doubt has kept me from fully reaching my potential.  I have never allowed myself to believe that I was really good at anything.  Compliments went in one ear and out the other.  I would tell myself that people were just being polite.

One of the things that sticks out my mind the most is how in middle school and high school I played flute in the band.  I was good, so said my parents and band directors and other band members.  I sat 1st chair for the majority of my time in the band.  I auditioned for All South Jersey twice and All State New Mexico once.  And each time, I fell 2 people shy of making the band.  Looking back, I could have made it each time.  I could have played with some of the top band members in the state (meaning, I could have been one of the top band members in the state), but something happened with each audition.  When I walked into the room, rather than allowing myself to believe I belonged there, I did the exact opposite.  I told myself I was crazy for even thinking I could compare with the other flutists.  Over and over I would tell myself I didn't belong there. And, if that wasn't enough, I would then tell myself that even if I did make it, I could never really keep up in a band that great.

I think about those auditions often.  I think about what could have been.  What if I had believed my parents and band directors? What if I truly thought I could do what everyone said I could do?  I probably would have made it every time I auditioned.  I mean, I was only 2 people away when I told myself I couldn't do it...  Saying I COULD do it might have led me down a wonderful musical road.

I can't change my band days.  I can't change the "what ifs" from over a decade ago.  BUT, I can re-evaluate how I think today.  God has created me to be a certain way.  He has gifted me with talents and skills that not everyone has.  And, it's time I embrace that.  If I let go of the self-doubt, if I stop telling myself I can't do it or that others can do it better than me, I CAN make a difference.  I CAN reach the potential God has for me. 

Now, there are tons of things I will never be good at (performing surgery would be one of those things).  There are definitely things that others can do better than me, such as acting and singing.  But those are not God given dreams or desires of mine.  God hasn't placed those things on my heart.  The talents and skills He has given me definitely line up with the desires of my heart.  If I embark on what God has set on my heart to do, then I am going to do well.  If I go into the "auditions" of life telling myself I am right where I should be and can do whatever lays ahead, then I will not only succeed, but will excel.  I just have to shut off the doubts and allow myself to believe that I can be that good.

We all have doubts.  Especially when we are asked to do things that seem bigger than us.  Moses doubted whether he was the right man for the job when God asked him to go to Pharoah.  BUT, he chose to trust God and do it anyway.  Mary doubted whether God had chosen the right girl to carry and raise HIS son, but she chose to trust God and was a wonderful mother of Jesus.  Doubt itself is not necessarily wrong.  LIVING in that doubt and never trusting what God wants of you is not only wrong, but can be devastating. 

What in your life is God asking you to do, but you keep holding yourself back?  As hard as it is, step out of your own way and let yourself reach the potential He has set for you...  That's my plan for the coming year, and for the rest of my life!

I am ME...

I have been struggling the last several weeks (okay, for years, but especially these past weeks) to be okay with who I am.  I have lost sight of the great qualities God has given me and spend my days focused on what I do NOT have.  For instance, I do not have the ability to make a room laugh (unless of course I have done something absolutely stupid, like slip and fall!)  I cannot sing well enough to be on the worship team (or really even to to sing with my boys, according to our 3 year old.)  I am not creative when cooking dinner.  Sorry, boys, I will NOT be making your hot dogs look like an octopus! 

The list could go on and on about the things I wish I had compared to other people.  And, for me, when I say "things" I don't mean money or stuff.  I mean qualities and traits and personalities.  The more time I interact with people, the more I realize I desire to be someone that I am not.

This can never be more true than when it comes to me being a Mama.  There is a list longer than my arm of ways I could be different as a Mama.  Everything from the way I pray with the boys to the way I feed them breakfast.  I often wonder if my oldest wishes I were different, now that he is seeing how other moms are.  Does he realize other moms actually spend hours playing with their kids?  Does he know that other children get warm pancakes with syrup for breakfast before heading off to school?  Does he think that other moms actually remember everybody's name in the house?

I can easily spend my days getting lost in what I am not, and who I wish I could be.  BUT, God doesn't want that for me.  He created me a certain way...  flaws and all!  And, He gives me moments of reality that remind me that I am who I am because He wanted it that way.

The other night I was working from home, trying to prepare for our new school year.  Patrick (our oldest) had come to me asking if I would come play with his pirate ship with him.  I told him no, and explained that although I would love to play with him I had to get work done.  (ENTER "MAMA" GUILT HERE.)  He was crushed.  In his world, I chose work over him.  (This is a moment when I wish I were like other moms who don't have to bring home work.) He left the room in tears and I definitely felt like a bad mommy.  I went to him a little later and talked with him about what happened.  I told him I was sorry that I couldn't play with him.  His response: "It's okay, Mama.  I know you love me, even if you don't play with me."

There it was.  The reminder I needed.  My son KNOWS I love him.  He knows I love him even when I am not doing what other moms might do.  It doesn't matter that I don't necessarily brush my kids hair in the morning or create tents to play in everynight.  As long as my children know that I love them, then I am doing something right.

Although I would love to say, "I promise to never, EVER compare myself to other moms or co-workers or random strangers", I know I would fail within a day!  BUT, if I keep my eyes on who God wants me to be, created me to be, I can spend more of my time embracing who I am rather than who I wish I were.  God will continue to send me reminders (sometimes in the form of a 2x4) that I am wonderfully created, and I don't need to be anybody but ME. 

TRUST

Somewhere along the way, between my last post and today, I have had some of the happiest, proudest moments possible as a mom,wife, and Christian.  I also have had some of the saddest, frustrating, and overall yuckiest moments as a mom, wife, and Christian.  Today, I sit here typing wondering if TODAY is the ugliest moment as a Christian I have had in a long time...  With tears streaming down my face and a strong urge to throw something, I am sure that God is sitting there, waiting for my temper tantrum to be done, so He can once again assure me that HIS plan is better than mine.  And, in my head, I KNOW 100% His plan is better than mine.  My heart, in it's million pieces, is not quite connected to my head...

Jeremiah 29:11-13 is something I have held on to for as long as I can remember.  " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' "  I know this is true...  He has proven it time and time again.  I find myself wondering WHAT His plans are for me and unfortunately, He doesn't always share everything with me. 

A week ago, Kevin came to me expressing how a 4 month old baby girl may need a home...  Of course, I said "YES".  This baby girl was born addicted to drugs, sent home to be with her grandparents, as her mother was mandated to clean up and get a job before the courts could consider trusting her to have custody.  Last week, the mother refused the required drug test, causing the grandparents to gain temporary full custody.  The hope of the grandfather (and of us) was that the courts would allow for us to adopt her.  The grandfather is a co-worker of Kevin's and knew not only would we raise her well, but would allow him what he wants the most: to be her grandfather.  We found out today that IF there's even talk of adoption, the mother's family would gain custody.  And, NO ONE wants that for this precious baby. So, she will stay right where she is, in the loving arms of her grandparents...

Now, for anyone who knows me, my heart for children, especially children with special needs, is GINORMOUS.  Within a matter of seconds, I had completely fallen in love with her and with the idea of bringing her into our family.  I am saddened deeply by the fact that we will not be able to adopt her.  More so, I am unsure of what part this all plays in God's plan for us.  We WANT to adopt, and we know God will place the right child(ren) in our lives at the right time.  And for the 2nd time in only a couple of years, God has given us an opportunity to say yes to bring a child(ren) into our home.  Both times, we said, "yes." And both times, nothing more came of it. 

It seems lately that there are many areas that God has asked me to say yes to Him, without actually following through with what I said yes to.  And, as frustrating and saddening these times have been, I have to TRUST that God has something planned for me that I cannot see or even fathom.  I have to trust the unseen and the unknown, but the unknown is scary to me.  More scary than anything else.  I am a planner, an organizer...  I am wired to problem solve and to see all the possible paths and outcomes...  But, God doesn't work that way.  I can't go much past today in planning.  I can't possibly know what paths to look at, and certainly cannot foresee the outcomes.  All I can do is focus on right now and TRUST that He knows what He's doing.  I have to trust that His plans are not to hurt me, but to shape me.  They are not to bring me down, but to build me up.  And, they are certainly not intended to make me lose hope in Him.  Rather, His plans are a fulfillment of His hope and grace for me. 

Life never happens the way we expect it to.  I can list a dozen people who are facing that reality this  very second, whether it's due to cancer, job issues, the loss of a family member, or just having to WAIT on God.  But, what I hold on to more than I hold to anything in this world is the promise that God has a plan.  I may throw my temper tantrums, and I may wonder what His plan is...  But, I ALWAYS know His plan is far better than anything I could ever imagine.  I just have to TRUST Him...  And remember to not stand in His way!

The Effort Pays Off

Since Tyler was 14 months old, we have had therapists in our house at least twice a week...  We have had therapy balls, theraputty, weighted pressure vests, and a whole gammat of other therapy items strewn about our house.  We have had to be intentional about everything.  And, when I say everything, I mean EVERY THING.  From keeping to a schedule, to talking to Tyler (and now Benjamin) a very specific way, to even intentionally breaking from routine.  We have had to be "intentionally spontaneous" with Tyler and with Ben to teach them that changes happen.  When interacting with either boy, there is a constant thought of "how can this be a learning opportunity?"  Sometimes, it's more of a thought of "how will this affect the next goal or step?"

Being intentional is TOUGH!  It's tiresome.  Sometimes, I just want to go through a day and not have to think.  There are moments that I wonder if the work, the effort is really worth it.  Especially when it feels like Ben isn't making progress or Tyler seems to be regressing some.  BUT, when I hit that moment of being unsure, God blesses me with a glimpse into WHY I do what I do. 

For instance, yesterday Benjamin climbed up into one of the kitchen chairs, grabbed a sippy cup off the table, and then proceeded to walk into the living room.  At first, I thought he was going to drink it, but instead, he took it to Zachary and handed it to him, while saying "Zachary"!  Two days ago, I swore that Ben had no idea who any of his brothers were.  He barely acknowledges them or me or Kevin.  The moment he gave the cup to Zachary, I realized he's getting it!  That moment gave me enough confirmation to keep on doing the hard work. 

There have been other times when it has been made clear to me why my intentionality is worth the effort...  Tyler's amazing progress these past 3 years is definitely worth the effort!  He went from being non-verbal, non-social, and miserable, to being a chattery social butterfly who is typically happy and silly!  Had Kevin and I chosen to not do the work, Tyler would most likely still be where he was 3 years ago...

Intentionality is not just for those with Special Needs children.  It's for everyone.  God asks us to be intentional with our lives.  The decisions we make, the paths we journey on are all times when we should be purposeful.  Even small decisions, such as whether or not we should buy those awesome sandals, should be dealt with intentionality, as it affects something bigger (like our wallets!).  How we interact with people, whether a friend from church or a stranger at the bank, has an impact on our lives.  How we react to bad service at a restaurant or a driver who has cut us off is a reflection of who we are and the God we serve.  And God wants us to be aware of that...  He wants us to choose our words carefully.  He wants us to reflect HIS love and grace.  We can't do that unless we are intentional about the things we say and do. 

It's hard work being intentional...  But, the effort pays off!  Tyler and Benjamin are proof of that!

A Different Experience

For as long as I can remember, Easter has been this big, somewhat emotion-filled, joyous holiday.  When I was little, I went to all of the Easter cantatas.  Once I was old enough, I sang in the cantatas.  The music, the story, all of it just filled my heart.  I always felt so connected to God during those 80 minutes of worship and services.  My parents invited "the widows and orphans" (those we knew who had no where else to go) for dinner and you could just feel God oozing out of everyone. 

There was a slow change to our Easter traditions...  When Kevin and I got married, the first year, we drove back to NJ to see the Easter cantata.  Then, slowly, children were born, my parents moved to PA, and cantatas were a thing of the past.  It was okay, because we still were able to attend our church for the most important service: Easter Sunday service.  I still was able to get the emotion from the music and the sermon.

This year, everything was different.  My new role as Nursery/Preschool Director turned Easter into something very different.  Activities needed to be planned for Good Friday Services, for our extra Easter services, as well as preparing for our normal Sunday classes.  Childcare needed to be planned out and scheduled.  Normal volunteers were away, leaving holes for Sunday.  Even with other team members, I wound up overseeing 4 out of 6 of the services' childcare.  I didn't get to enjoy the emotion-filled services.  I didn't get to experience God and Easter the way I always have.

For the last couple of days, I have been feeling rather down about not experiencing God the way I used to.  In fact, the last few years, I have been mourning the loss of how things used to be.  Getting into a FULL church service is tough.  Being a part of a small group is a challenge.  We may be able to GET to the small group event, but actually doing to "homework" is next to impossible. I can't tell you the last time that I was able to go to anything God centered and actually be able to be fully there...

I suddenly realized something as I was sitting here pouting about what I have missed this year.  I realized that I actually experience God MORE now in my busy and crazy life than I did even when I was younger and less busy.  My busyness has caused me to be more intentional about the time I do have with God.  Rather than reserving my time to experiencing God to church services and bible studies, I now am very intentional to experience God no matter where I am or what I am doing. 

When I am folding laundry (which is more often than I would like), I pray for each of my boys and for my husband.  While washing dishes, I thank God for the provisions He has provided.  I use my 20 minute drive time to and from work to just focus on God, whether with music or with silence.  When I check on our 4 sleeping boys, I quietly pray over each of them.  I don't get hours of prayer and reflection.  It's just not possible.  Lately, I haven't even had 70 minutes to get into a church service.  BUT, I use the time that I have to stay connected.

Don't get me wrong, I WANT to get back to going to church regularly.  I NEED to get back to going to church regularly I look forward to a day when I can go to an Easter service and just enjoy the service.  But, in some ways, my time with God is better now than it ever has been.  The intentionality I have now to spend time with God is so much greater than anything in the past.

God wants me to be connected to Him.  My time with Him doesn't have to look the same as anyone else's.  My time with Him can't look the same as other people.  I know many empty-nesters who can spend hours a day in meditation and prayer.  But, it wasn't always like that for them.  I know young married couples who can spend time in bible studies together.  It may not always be that way for them.  For this season of my life, my time with God looks VERY different than many others.  And, I am okay with that.

Missing Sammy

Today is a very special and very sad day all wrapped into one.  Today marks 5 years since we lost our daughter, Sammy.  I thought I would spend a few moments sharing about her and the journey I have been on since finding out we were expecting her.

5 months after Patrick (our first) was born, we were surprised to find out we were expecting another baby.  Shock was pretty much all we felt initially.  This baby was not in our plans.  There wasn't much we could do, but work on getting excited about the inevitable...  Our family was growing! 

After a couple weeks, we had embraced the idea of having another baby.  We were excited to have 2 babies in the house.  We knew Patrick and this new baby would be great friends.  Kevin started working on the new room for Patrick so that the baby could move into the nursery.  We had heard the baby's heartbeat and knew that God was blessing us.

And, then, one morning, everything changed.  15 weeks into my pregnancy, there was spotting, and I knew something was wrong.  I made an appointment with my OB and an ultrasound for that day.  I remember waiting in the waiting room for over an hour because there was a back up with patients.  I sat there praying harder than I think I have ever prayed, just asking for God's healing. 
Once called back, I clearly remember laying on the table with the ultrasound technician telling me that sometimes it takes a minute or two to find the sweet spot to see the heart.  After 5 minutes, with no sign of a heartbeat, he called in another technician.  And, after another 5 minutes, a call was made to my OB. 

There was no heartbeat.  I stared at the screen, wishing the baby's heart to suddenly start beating.  But, that didn't happen.  Rather, the doctor's nurse came to take me up to a private office.  There, in an office filled with pictures of the OB's large family, the OB explained to me what I had already figured out.  We had lost our baby...  The rest of that morning and afternoon are a blur.  I know I had to sit with the scheduling nurse to arrange the surgery necessary.  I know I headed back to work to pick up Patrick.  And, somewhere along the way, I know that I went to the hospital for surgery.

There were so many times that I just wanted to break down, but there was something keeping me from losing it.  Kevin and I even sat waiting before the surgery joking around with the nurses.  But, it hit me on our way home.  I sat in the car weeping.  I vividly remember sobbing that they "took my baby".  It was devastating.  And poor Kevin just didn't know what to do to help me.  We named the baby Sammy, so that we could grieve fully.

We gave permission for them to do testing to see if they could find the cause of the miscarriage.  And, weeks later, we found out not only that the baby died from a genetic disorder, but that the baby was a GIRL.  (And as most know by now, she was our ONLY girl.)  The guilt that I believe both Kevin and I had dissipated as we learned there was absolutely nothing we could have done.  We had to accept that GOD's will was for Sammy to be with HIM.  (Which, by the way, was NOT an easy thing.)

I say that this day is not only sad, but special.  This was the only day I ever got to SEE Sammy.  This was more importantly the day that I truly realized that God was ultimately in control.  I had no choice but to follow Him, to lean on Him, and to trust Him.  I would not have survived without God's love and grace.  There were definitely moments of temper tantrums on my part...  But, He held me and loved me, even during my fits.

I miss our baby girl.  My heart aches to see her just one more time.  I want to know who she looks like.  Could she actually look like me, with dark eyes and hair?  Or does she look just like her brothers do?  Does she have Kevin's fun loving spirit or my sensibility?  Someday, I pray that I will find out.  But, for now, I hold on to the fact that God had plans for her, even though she never saw the light of day.  And someday, her brothers will know about her.  Everyone should know about her...

Whose Voice?

I often find myself struggling to listen to God's voice...  I tend to hear my own inner voices (which are typically NOT the most positive) or I rely on the voices of those nearest to me.  Overall, the voices of those I am closest to are positive and re-affirming, and just plain nice to hear.  My husband's voice or my mom's voice help me become grounded again when my own voice starts to tear me down.  BUT, God's voice, I often miss because I am not quiet enough to hear Him.

Sometimes, there are other voices that say some very hurtful things.  Things that are not necessarily true or accurate.  Those voices, although they don't happen nearly as often, are always the loudest.  They are the voices that I cannot shake.  They spit out judgements and painful words that can cripple me.  One of those voices can outweigh the 20 other voices that have good things to say.  What's worse is that that one hurtful voice and opinion can mute out God's voice all together for me.

It shouldn't be that way.  No human's words or voice should ever mask God's voice... But, I find myself sometimes not hearing HIS voice over the hurtful voice.  I begin to believe what others say about who I am or what I have done.  I lose sight of who God thinks I am.  I get so engrossed in one person's opinion of me that I no longer can see what God sees. 

It's not easy for me to let go of what other people say about me, especially when it's negative.  I guess you could say I am very "thin" skinned.  But, I have to remember that ultimately, all that matters is what God says and thinks.  HE loves me.  HE created me to be me.  HE has plans for me.  And, if I choose to listen to everyone else, I can easily miss what HE is saying. 

I, in no way, have mastered listening to God's voice.  I struggle daily to ensure that the decisions I make are based on what God wants.  Negative emails, phone calls, in person conflict can devastate me in a matter of moments.  BUT, I strive to push all of it aside and listen to HIM.  It isn't easy.  AT ALL.  But, there is no better voice to listen to than that of our FATHER. 

Everything You Need

Our household has been spectacular this cold season in sharing every boogie nose and nasty cough that has passed through.  The youngest 2, especially.  They are tired and cranky and they make going through a day rather challenging. 

Zachary is getting over his cold, and Benjamin is just starting to suffer from the chest cold.  I know this because I spent much of my night up with him.  He would sleep for half an hour or so, and then wake up crying.  I tried giving him medicine, but I'd have an easier time giving a real monkey medicine.  Medicine spilled, got spit out ON me, and by midnight, I was pretty much out of ideas. 

To add to the sleepless night, once Ben finally fell asleep, this mama kept having nightmares.  There were at least 3, all with the same general idea: LOSS.  Loss of Kevin, loss of the boys.  They seemed so very real.

With all of that said, the alarm went off at 5:30 for Kevin, and I woke up exhausted!  I have felt this way many times throughout the course of the past 5 years.  Having kids will do that to you... 

I do not drink coffee or any caffeinated drinks, so I have no artificial energy to pull from.  There are mornings (like today) where I am not sure how I will even get OUT of bed, let alone get 4 boys up, dressed and fed.  My tired prayer of, "Please, Lord, help me survive the day" is barely audible as I crawl into the shower.  But, by the time my shower is over and I am snuggling with bright eyed children, I have enough energy to start my day.  The energy (maybe lower than normal) is enough to sustain me through the day.  I always survive, sometimes even accomplish things along the way.

It's not my shower that gives me the energy.  It's nothing I do that sustains me throughout the day.  It's all God.  He gives me EVERYTHING I need to get through not only the whole day, but every moment within the day.  There are times I am praying that He can give me enough energy to get the dishes done.  Or sometimes, it's a prayer to give me enough motivation to tackle the laundry.  And, there are many times I pray that He helps me NOT to put my whiney, fighting children out on the porch with a FREE sign. 

I can't imagine my day without God.  I can't imagine how I could ever make it through days like today without HIS help.  When I ask (and sometimes when I forget to ask), He is always there to give me everything I need to make it through each moment.  Even if it's just a little extra energy...

Celebrate the Little Things

I sent out an email to my co-workers yesterday celebrating a milestone for our son Tyler.  As I wrote this email, tears of joy filled my eyes.  A little thing like going to the dentist became a significant blessing to us. 

"As some of you may know, our 2^nd son, Tyler, was born with some significant developmental delays.  In May of 2011, we were told he was mildly autistic.  We had been in Early Intervention for 2 years before his diagnosis.  He had already made a lot of progress that even his therapists couldn’t explain.  Tyler went from a child who sat in our living room screaming every day, not wanting to be held or comforted, to an extremely happy, loving little boy.  We can even sit with him on the couch, where he will tolerate some cuddling!

One of the biggest issues we have faced with him has been his sensory needs.  The way he takes in the world around him is nothing like you or I would.  Sounds that we may barely hear sound like sonic booms to him.  Shirts that are soft to us may feel like a scouring pad to him.  His sensory issues have caused everyday occurrences to be a bit more challenging.  Through therapy, a lot of work at home, and a wonderfully loving and gracious God, we have tackled many of his issues.

Today, he had his dentist appointment.  To you, that may not be a big deal.  To us, it’s ginormous.  His first 2 appointments, he literally kicked and screamed, terrified of everything around him.  He wouldn’t even allow them to put the paper bib on him.  At his last visit, he had to be sedated just so they could count how many teeth he had.  Up until that point, they did not even know how his teeth looked.  Today, he bravely walked into the exam room, and although scared, allowed the dentist to count his teeth.  And then, with a little coaxing, he even allowed for his teeth to be cleaned!!!  He hummed songs that calm him, and when it was all done, he shouted, “I’m done!  Now I get my balloon!” 

I know to many of you, this may not sound like it’s that big of a deal.  But for the Schussler family, this is probably one of the biggest moments.  God has been so very gracious to us.  He gave us a beautiful little boy to help grow.  He has given us these wonderful, sweet moments to remember that HIS hand is in everything!"

These sweet moments are everywhere around us.  From Tyler succeeding at the dentist, to Benjamin imitating the word "Grammy", to the daffodils that are showing signs of blooming...  God's hand is in everything around us.  We may not see those moments because we are too busy.  Or maybe because we are too focused on the BIG PICTURE.  But, I have learned that the little moments are what sustains me.  Taking time to celebrate the little things gives me momentum to go for the big things, even the hard things. 

God blesses us DAILY, even when it might not feel like it.  Even in the times that I have felt life couldn't get any harder, the blessings were always there.  And, today, as I continue to face the challenges of 4 boys (2 with special needs), a full-time job, a husband, and the desire to focus on my own personal growth, I know with confidence that each day, if I stop and look, blessings will be in abundance.  And no matter the size, the blessings deserve to be celebrated!

Who I Am

For the last few years, I have been on a journey to fully know who I am in Christ.  It has been a tough, but very rewarding journey.  There are so many things I have learned about myself and about God, it could probably take several books to express it all!

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago, I was unable to see the worth that I had in Christ.  I felt my worth was based on what I could contribute in my home, as well as at work.  I was worth something IF I could bring home the much needed money or can get ALL of the chores/cleaning done in the house.  I was only contributing to my friends and family IF I was able to "fix" the problems or help them financially.  I couldn't see what I could bring to the table without DOING stuff.  But, after losing my job, I suddenly needed to learn a lesson I should have learned a long time before that.  I had worth whether I was working or not, whether I cleaned the entire house or only the bathroom.  It didn't matter to God what I was doing, because I was HIS child. 

As I started fully embracing the idea that I was a child of God, I started to reflect on who God made in me.  I have been exploring the strengths (and weaknesses) that I possess.  What I once saw as unfixable flaws in myself, I can now see as areas of growth to work on.  I have learned to use the strengths He has given me to fulfill HIS purpose for me.  More importantly, I have learned to be comfortable IN the strengths He has given me.  Up until this past year, I wasn't really comfortable in my own skin.  I didn't know how to be ME, to embrace the "wonderfully and fearfully made" ME. 

If you had asked me back in August of 2010 where I would be in February 2012, I would NEVER had said I would be the Nursery and Preschool Director.  I didn't think I had it in me...  I was just an average woman with no spectacular skills or leadership qualities.  BUT, God knew what He was doing.  And, as He helped me grow in Him, He opened doors I never thought would open for me.  My confidence has grown immensely.  But, it's not confidence in only myself...  It's confidence in myself when I am wholly leaning on God.  I CAN do anything through Christ, if it's God's will.

My growth these past few years have impacted me and my family (and my job) in ways that I can't even put into words.  The moment I realized who I really am in God was the moment my life changed forever.  Bad things still happen.  Tough times still come, and will continue to come for the rest of my life.  But, knowing who I am, knowing that God truly loves me and has a purpose for ME, makes the tough times more manageable.  And, it makes the triumphs and joys EVEN BETTER! 

When I die, I want to know that I have lived my life fully for God.  I want to know that my friends and family will describe me as wholly devoted to Christ and HIS plans.  Most importantly, I want to know that when I meet Jesus that He is proud of the woman I became...  The woman God had created me to be.

Taking Care

Having 4 boys, a husband and a full time job has some really awesome joys!  There is never a shortage of hugs and kisses, laughs and smiles!  I am NEVER, ever bored.  We are always able to celebrate something, whether it's good work at school, peeing on the potty, dancing/singing to a new song, or other small milestones achieved.  There are always opportunities to grow and develop at work and at home.  It is amazing having this life!

There are, of course, some not so joyous aspects of having 4 boys, a husband and a full time job.  I spend a lot of time focusing attention on bathroom habits, whether it's changing the umpteenth diaper for the day or getting Tyler to actually go in the potty, not all over the potty (and the floor and the wall, etc.)  There are the constant questions about what we'll be eating or if we're going to be eating.  (Yes, I know this will continue to get worse as the boys start entering their teenage years!)  When I am not focused on the boys, I am focused on work, and when I am not focused on work, I am focused on Kevin.  AND, when I am not focused on the boys, work, or Kevin, it typically means I am asleep.

I have worked very hard at trying to find moments of time to focus on myself.  Whether it's locking myself in the bathroom to read a few minutes or to run out the store all by myself.  Sometimes, I get to go up to my room and watch netflix on my laptop while Kevin plays with the boys downstairs.  I try, but if I am not intentional about taking those moments, I could go weeks without ever really focusing on me.  Between the mix of busyness and some guilt, it is quite difficult to make the time.

But, this week, it has become quite evident that it HAS to be a priority for me.  After 3 weeks of feeling sick, I finally went to the doctors to find out what was going on.  It turns out that I have a sinus infection, double ear infection, and possibly strep.  The infection is so big that every lymph node in my body is swollen.  This, mixed with my Fibromyalgia, has made my entire body EXTRA sore.  And, as the doctor told me yesterday, had I come in earlier, it would never have gotten this bad.

I know he's right.  I know that had I taken time to really listen to my body, I would have already been feeling much better by now.  But, I didn't take the time.  I put every ounce of energy I had into continuing life as is.  There are things that I can't do...  Like take a "real" sick day.  Yes, I can call off of work. But, there are no sick days allotted for Mommy.  But, I could have taken the moments when my mom was here or Kevin was home to rest.  I could have done A LOT of things differently.

God wants each of us to take care of ourselves.  Our body, mind, and soul are ultimately HIS.  And He wants us to treat ourselves well.  Not to mention, when we take care of ourselves, we are in a much better place to take care of others.  This is NOT an easy thing for me.  But, it is necessary for me to learn.  IF I want to give to my family, my church, my Ministry Partners, the families of my church, I NEED to give to myself.  I need to give myself rest and grace.  When I can do that, and take care of myself, I can ultimately do so much more.  I'll get there...  I have to.  It's what God wants me to do (as well as all those people who love me!)

It's Not Always What You Think...

My husband, Kevin, has been complaining about a machine at his work for the past couple of years.  This machine helps cut LARGE rolls of paper down to receipt sized paper.  The issue with this machine is that everytime they need to use it, it doesn't work right.  They can get it working for a little bit, but ultimately, it starts acting up and the workers blame it on the BRAKES.  Kevin does what he can, but swears it isn't the brakes.  It has to be something else.  (He has been saying this for over 2 years!) 

Just recently, the machine wasn't working right, AGAIN!  Everyone blamed the brakes.  Kevin fiddled with the brakes, but it didn't help.  He turned off the brakes, the workers went to use the machine again, and it still didn't work right.  They blamed the brakes, AGAIN.  Only, this time, there was NO way it could be the brakes, since they weren't even on.  Ultimately, Kevin did some digging into the machine and found an important piece of the machine had worn down.  The typical wear and tear had gone unnoticed, and eventually became a MUCH BIGGER issue.  Once the piece was taken care of, the machine has been running pretty well (for an old machine!) 

I have noticed that I am a lot like that machine.  I sometimes don't work as well as I should or would like to.  I get bothered by things that don't typically bother me.  I get angry with Kevin over little things and hold on to that anger way longer than I should.  The blame for my anger or frustration often goes to being tired.  BUT, what I have learned is that most of the time, it goes deeper than that.  Oh sure, being tired plays a part.  But, not entirely. 

My frustration, anger, or whatever other negative feelings I might have are all caused from heart issues.  Sometimes, I have to dig down and get dirty and figure out what is really upsetting me.  And, to be honest, most of the time, it's a disconnect from God.  The more I allow myself to disconnect from God, the more wear and tear occurs on my heart.  The longer the wear and tear goes unnoticed, the more I start to get frustrated, bothered, etc.  And, once I am frustrated or bothered, my relationships start to not work as well.

So, when Kevin spills tea on the counter (and doesn't see it), I can normally let it slide.  I'll wipe it up and move on with other stuff.  But, sometimes, I get mad.  And I stay mad.  Tyler pees all over the floor.  Benjamin has taken everything out of the cabinet. Then the boys leave their toys all over the house.  Kevin comes home from work and instantly asks, "What's for dinner?"  The back right burner doesn't work, but I of course forget that until 15 minutes into waiting for the water to boil.  By this point, the only thing boiling in my house is ME.  And, although it might look like (and feel like) I am mad at Kevin and the boys and silly boiler, it's typically not the case.    

Sometimes, it really is just that I live in a household of testosterone, where "messy" is a way of living.  (That can get bothersome on occasions.)  But, more often than not, the angry me is because of something much deeper.  And, when I get time to reflect and think about what is really bothering me, it is almost always because I was no longer connected with God.  I had started using my own strength to manage.  I had allowed myself the power to take control of my life.  And, everytime, the wear and tear of doing things myself turns into a poorly functioning ME. 

Step back sometime when you're really angry or upset over something that normally doesn't bother you...  Spend some time digging deeper and see if maybe, just maybe, there's something else that could be broken.

When I Grow Up...

Patrick, our oldest son, has been telling us from time to time what he wants to be when he grows up.  He has said everything from a rockstar to a doctor, a genius (my favorite!) to this week's answer, which is "a surveyor."  (When I asked him what a surveyor is, he said someone who makes maps.  Yay, kindergarten!)

All this talk of what Patrick might want to be when he grows up led me to think about what I used to want to be.  I remember wanting to be an architect.  I also wanted to be a teacher.  One consistent thing I said was that I wanted to be a mommy and a wife.  I remember truly believing that I could be ANYTHING I wanted to be.  Just like Patrick believes he can be whatever he wants to be.  He has no little voice in his head squashing any of his dreams. 

That got me thinking about when it is that we start losing that child-like ability to believe we can do anything.  When do we start allowing that little voice to squash our dreams?  Yes, that little voice is reason and logic and sometimes needs to be there.  We need the voice to help us make reasonable decisions.  But, sometimes, that voice tells us we can't do things that we might just be able to do.  It goes against what God has planned for us, because we are scared or doubt the abilities God has given us.

I know that I would NEVER have made a good architect.  I dislike geometry, and am pretty sure I would have needed a lot of geometry knowledge to be a good architect.  I probably could have been a decent teacher, but I don't really think that I would have been a great teacher.  I am now a mommy of 4 and a wife to a wonderful husband.  That dream did come true!  But, there are dreams of "When I grow up..." that I still struggle to believe could ever happen.  Mostly because that little voice is telling me that I am not qualified or good enough to do it.  There are always reasons in my head as to why I should not pursue those dreams. 

But, I am learning that IF God wants you (or me) to pursue your dreams, you have to let go of the doubts and fears.  He will give you  the strength to just go for it.  I have pursued some of my dreams, and am so very grateful I have.  I still have one more major dream to pursue, and I have to admit I am quite scared about doing so.  I will pursue it, in God's timing.  I will NOT allow the doubts and fears to keep me from my biggest dream.

Some days I wish I could be like Patrick again.  Full of hope and void of self-doubt.  Could you imagine what we as adults could accomplish if we didn't carry around the doubtful voice in our heads?  If we could truly believe that with God we can do anything He wants us to do?

Love as a Verb

I met my husband I believe almost 13 years ago.  He was the best friend of a guy I was dating my freshman year of college.  I thought he was nice and attractive, but never thought about dating him (since I was already dating someone!)  We "chatted" a few times on AOL Instant Messenger, but when his best friend and I broke things off, we didn't really talk.  (Not because of hard feelings or anything...  Just because we didn't see each other anymore.)  Who would have thought 6 years later our lives would never be the same.

It had been 6 years since I had chatted with Kevin.  Then, one random day, he IM'd me, saying that he didn't remember who I was and that if I didn't remind him, he would delete me.  Yes, I said DELETE me.  (He was cleaning out his IM list to fit the new kids he was working with at a church.)  I reminded him, and thankfully, he didn't delete me.  In fact, we started talking every day. 

Within about 3 weeks, we had our first date.  We went on a hike, then out to dinner.  Now, some ladies may find some of the things he did kind of wrong...  While on our hike, he spent at least 20 minutes on the phone with his brother, who was living in Las Vegas.  I could have easily been offended, but instead, I was impressed that he valued that time with his brother.  It was actually attractive to me. 

There was another thing he did that I didn't even hear about until just before our wedding.  Apparently, he had a gun on him during our first date.  NO, I am not that scary or intimidating!  It just so happens that he had a carrying permit and has "red neck" in his blood.  I do joke with him to this day that he was carrying because he was afraid of a GIRL!

I quickly fell in love with him.  I had experienced a bad long-term, serious relationship and knew what I wanted and needed in a man.  And he had each quality that was important to me.  His love for God, for children, and for music swept me off my feet! 

Within 2 months of dating, we were engaged, and 6 months after that we were married.  (And, if you are keeping track with my other blogs, we were pregnant with Patrick 6 months after that.)  I was madly in love with Kevin.  From the way he talked to people to the way he interacted with all ages of children, he was right for me.  The feelings I had for him were bubbling over, and like any naive newlywed, I thought those feelings would last forever.

But, almost 7 years later, those bubbling, newlywed feelings have been replaced with a deep love and connection.  We have travelled through this married life, trusting on God to get us through each day.  We have seen heartache and trials and joys that words cannot describe.  We have argued, forgiven, laughed, and cried.  Most importantly, we have loved.  Sometimes, loving him has been difficult.  As with any marriage, becoming disconnected happens...  And, for whatever reason, love does not necessarily flow as easily.  But, I have learned those are the times when it is most important to love. 

Love is not only something you receive or give.  It is not just a feeling or emotion.  Love is something that needs to be done.  It needs to be an action.  What that action looks like should depend on who it is you're loving on.  For my husband, holding hands is an action of love.  And, when I am upset with him, it's an action that he needs the most and I want to do the least.  But, I am willing to stop at nothing to ensure that he is loved on. 

I have loved my husband for a long time.  I am still learning how to love on my husband, to love as verb, not just as a noun.  But, God has been a fabulous example to both of us of what that looks like.  There will still be days, sometimes even weeks, that loving him will not be easy.  But, I am sure that I am not always so easy to love on, either!  We made a promise years ago to each other, and that promise we will keep until God calls us home.

"My precious gift from God, with Christ as my model,
I promise to love you and cherish you,
To serve you and serve God with a willing heart,
To help you stay grounded in Christ and His love.
In times of pain and sorry, I will be your shoulder to cry on.
In times of joy, I will be your smile.
I promise to support you through all stages of life, until God calls me home." 
(Our wedding vows...  Reminds me of the ways I promised Kevin I would love on him.)

When Loss Turns to Gain

I have been thinking a lot about loss lately...  All kinds of loss.  Mostly the losses I have experienced in the last few years. 

I am certainly no expert of great losses in life.  I have been blessed to not have experienced the kind of catastrophic loss that some people have experienced.  But, they were losses none the less.

There have been job losses, one of which was quite painful for me.  I was working at a daycare center, was accused of things I never did (a very LONG story), was cleared of the accusations, and still was let go from the center.  The loss of the job was devastating to the way I saw myself...  I couldn't see how I was actually contributing to the family without bringing in the much needed money.  BUT, with help from a good friend, and a lot of conversations with God, I GAINED quite a bit more than I ever could have imagined.  I gained a new view of myself.  I learned how to see value in what I could do for my family,even without a job.  Without the experience of the job loss, I would not have been catapulted into an amazing journey of finding myself.

The greatest loss was the loss of our only daughter almost 5 years ago.  Yes, a daughter.  Shocking, I know!  She was our first "surprise" baby, having gotten pregnant on birth control.  Patrick was 4 or 5 months old at the time.  It was quite a shock to us, and took us a few weeks to accept and be excited about.  Once we were excited, we started making our plans for the rooms and making lists of things we needed.  It was a completetly different pregnancy than my pregnancy with Patrick, as there was NO morning sickness.  I felt great.  Then, 12 weeks into my pregnancy, something went wrong, and we lost our baby.  We named the baby Sammy, not knowing at the time what the gender was.  The doctor chose to do testing to find out what caused the miscarriage.  Weeks later we learned that the baby had Turner Syndrome, a disorder where females are missing one of their sex chromosomes.  The doctor explained that had Sammy been born, there would have been a lot of complications and would have been a tough road. 

So, Sammy was a girl.  Our only girl.  At the time, I would not have been able to say that there could be a gain from such a horrible loss.  But, as the months and years went on, I learned that there were gains...  They weren't easy to find, but they were there.  A few months after our miscarriage, we decided we were ready to add on to our family.  That was when Tyler came into the picture!  Without the surprise of becoming pregnant with Sammy, and then the loss of her, we would not have even had a discussion about having another baby.  But, we were ready.  We wanted a sibling for Patrick.  (And siblings he got!)

There were personal gains as well.  There were the lessons in trusting God and His plans.  There were lessons in leaning on friends and family for the support I so desperately needed.  I also learned that I was much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.  There was a closeness with God that I had never felt before.  Losing Sammy gave me a small glimpse into what it was like for God to lose His son.  Only, He sent His son knowing that the loss would happen, with the intent that the loss happen.

There have been other losses, such as the loss of the dreams we originally had for Tyler, the loss of being able to birth any more children, and the loss of friendships.  But, with each loss came a gain way bigger than I could have ever imagined.  The pain was great, often times heart wrenching.  It can take months, if not years, to see the gain, to heal from the pain.  But I truly believe that God can turn any loss into a gain.  He has for me...

Good Enough NEEDS to be Enough

As many people already know about me, I am somewhat of a perfectionist.  If I am going to do something, I want to do it RIGHT.  And, for me, right means Perfect.  I do not expect perfection from others.  My expectations for others are quite realistic.  BUT, my expectations for myself far surpass realistic.  This has been a struggle for me for as long as I can remember. 

It has been a long journey to find more realistic expectations for myself. When Patrick was the only child, and I was working a full time job, I needed to do everything perfect.  I needed myself to be everything a mom, wife, and employee SHOULD be.  I lost my job while I was pregnant with Tyler, which sent me into a whirlwind of worthlessness.  I felt I was no longer contributing to our household, even though I was home with Patrick and was keeping the house running smoothly.  It took a lot for me to see my worth not only as a wife and mom, but as a child of God.

I continued to have HIGH expectations of myself, believing I needed to be everything to everyone.  There was a constant dialogue in my head saying that I needed to do better.  The dishes were dirty, the laundry was piling up, Tyler was more miserable than happy, and Patrick often times was left to entertain himself.  BUT, what the dialogue wasn't saying was that the house was relatively straightened up, the boys always had clean clothes to wear, Tyler's miserableness had nothing to do with what I was doing, and that Patrick was happy entertaining himself. 

When I was pregnant with Zachary, my expectations were so far from realistic it was ridiculous.  I was put on "light duty" towards the end of my pregnancy, and had to allow others to help out with the boys and around the house.  I thought I SHOULD be able to do it all, because I was the mommy and the wife.  God had other plans.  He used this time to show me that accepting help from others did not mean I was failing.  It just meant that it was an opportunity to be blessed, and to even bless others.  Being blessed I could understand, but it took several months to understand how people helping ME could actually bless them.  It turns out we are all wired differently.  Some people are wired to serve, and when given the opportunity to serve others, they are actually blessed!

It has taken over 3 years to be able to say, "My good enough IS enough."  A husband, a house, a full time job, 4 beautiful boys, 2 very different special needs issues, and dreams/hopes for myself have left me accepting that my good enough NEEDS to be enough.  I forget things (more often than I would like to admit), our house often times looks like the toybox threw up all over it, dishes pile up, laundry becomes a mountain...  But, I am doing the best that I can.  My mom is awesome and helps out around the house A LOT, friends come and hang with the boys, my intern may need to do things I would actually like to do.  BUT, it's okay, because I am doing the best that I can.  And, that HAS to be enough.  I have 4 happy boys and a husband who loves me.  Best of all, I have a loving FATHER who loves me and I believe is proud of me.  And, that IS more than enough!

The 1st Born

I have shared a bit about each of our boys, except for Patrick, our oldest...  SO, I thought it was time that I share about my experiences with Patrick and the beginning of this parenting adventure.

My husband and I were married for about 4 months when we thought we'd like to start working on a family of our own.  We had been told by many people that it takes a while to get pregnant after being on birth control.  So, we went off birth control and had anticipated that it would take a few months, if not longer, to get pregnant.  We weren't necessarily trying, rather, we were just opening up the opportunity to get pregnant.  Well, what we had been told was NOT true for us.  We got pregnant with Patrick David the next month.  (Had we known what we know now about birth control and it's ineffectiveness on me, we probably would have waited a bit longer to go off it!)

Moments during my pregnancy were tough, as I learned I had epilepsy and had also gained a few too many pounds.  BUT, overall, it was a good pregnancy.  From start to finish of the labor and deliver process, it was only 6 1/2 hours.  The moment I held him for the 1st time was amazing!  I had fallen in love with him that first instant! He was so beautiful!  He looked exactly like his Daddy, with gorgeous blue eyes.  From day one, we knew he was going to be an amazing little boy!

As a baby and toddler, Patrick was calm and laid back.  He didn't learn to crawl until after his 1st birthday, not because he couldn't but because he was content right where we put him.  Baby proofing was done, even though there was no need at all.  His one uncle used to say that if he could be promised a baby like Patrick that he would be willing to have another child. 

Patrick is 5 1/2 now and yes, I still think he is amazing!  He is in kindergarten and in his words is a "genius."  (He is a smart little cookie, but we're still not sure where he got the word "genius" from!)  There are moments when I watch him and can't believe that God has entrusted us with him.  He is a great big brother to the other 3 boys, whether it's by putting toothpaste on Zach's toothbrush or helping Ben with some therapy needs.  He is always so loving and gentle, with family and with friends.  He is learning to be more independent and often times is excited to help out around the house.  I see a lot of his Daddy him, but not in the physical sense.  His sensitivity and the way he cares for and serves others are qualities that made me fall in love with his Daddy.

It is such a blessing to be a part of Patrick's life.  God has plans for him, and I am so grateful to be a part of those plans.  As we enter a new stage of life with him, I am excited to see how God will use him. 

An Honest Moment

I have promised to keep an honest blog, and honest I will be... 

Parenting for me is like a roller coaster ride.  There are definitely ups and downs.  The ups are thrilling and fulfilling.  They are those moments when our 2 year old sings his ABC's backwards, or our 5 year old receives an award at school for being an Outstanding Citizen.  When the boys show love to each other or to their peers, it's an almost euphoric moment.  My heart soars when the boys hug me and tell me they love me.  The highs are amazing!

But, as with roller coasters, there are the lows.  These are the moments that make me feel defeated or heartbroken.  These are moments when Patrick is sad because someone at school made fun of him or when I lose my temper over something small.  The lowest low for me is where I am at now...  I feel utterly defeated as a mom because I do not know how to comfort Ben. 

This feeling is familiar to me, as I found myself feeling this way when Tyler was the same age.  Ben doesn't communicate in the way a typical 1 1/2 year old communicates.  He doesn't point to the snack he wants or gestures to the toy he wants.  He doesn't say, "juice" or "cookie".  Instead, he cries.  More like screams.  He follows me around screaming until I figure out what he needs.  I have a mental list of things he likes and could possibly want, and I try it all.  Cups get pitched at me, tempers flare, and a little monkey remains very miserable.  There are times, like yesterday, where he just cries and cries, and there is absolutely nothing I can do for him.  There's no cuddling, as he is NOT a fan of cuddling.  When I try to hold him, he pushes me away, and yet you can tell he wants to be comforted. 

As a mom, I should be able to comfort each of my children.  I have long given up on being a perfect mommy, but there are things that I feel I should be able to do.  Meeting my children's basic needs is one of them.  And, when I can't do it, I feel quite defeated.  I know that it's not me...  It's not that I am doing anything wrong.  It's the nature of Ben's sensory issues, as it was with Tyler.  But, it doesn't change the fact that my son is upset and I can't help him. 

Therapy will help us with this.  We will not only be able to figure out what his needs are, but also how to meet them.  Until then, I struggle to remind myself that I am doing all I can do.  That although there is no instant comfort for Benjamin, we are doing everything we can to find the comfort he needs. 

Some Lessons Learned

If we had the ability to see into the future, life would definitely be much easier.  If we could see what we are supposed to do, what decisions to make, and even what God is trying to teach us, we all would probably feel less like fish floundering around on the beach and more like graceful swimmers fish are meant to be.  Unfortunately, life is NOT like that.  Each day, we have to make decisions based on what we know from our past and goals we have for the future.  God is there giving us guidance, but never clear cut "do this" directions.  He certainly doesn't sit down next to us and say, "this is what I want you to learn today.  This event you need to learn this, and tomorrow, when faced with a certain decision, choose this option."  How awesome would that be if that was how things worked?! 

But the reality is that the lessons we learn, the decisions we make, are all based on past experiences and the gentle nudging of God's promises. It is fascinating to see how God uses your past experiences and lessons you have already learned to build upon new experiences.  Benjamin and our journey with him has been an experience built on some lessons learned and definitely new lessons to be learned.

Benjamin (or "naughty monkey" as we so lovingly call him) came as a bit of a surprise for us!  After the surprise of our 3rd son, we had decided 3 children in 3 years was plenty.  My husband arranged for a vasectomy and went in for his consultation when Zachary was 5 months old.  A week later, we found out we were expecting baby number 4.  Yes, another baby conceived on birth control.  (If you are keeping track, Ben was baby number 3 to be conceived while on birth control.)  Since I had finally learned that God's timing is way better than my own, the panic and fear was not so deep.  Rather, we embraced the new adventure set before us.  (We also went ahead with the vasectomy that was scheduled!) 

Although I was not thrilled to be pregnant again and the idea of gaining baby weight AGAIN did not make me happy, it was a pretty decent pregnancy.  Chasing 3 other boys made things challenging, but we made it work.  When Ben was born, he was a handsome little boy.  He was very different than his brothers in personality.  He was a "high maintenance" baby, something we were not used to.  To this day, Benjamin still does not sleep through the night consistently. 

As Ben got older, we started to realize his miserableness might not just be from his personality, but from something deeper.  He doesn't talk much, and the words he can say he repeats over and over and OVER.  Having been through delays and quirky behavior once before, we knew what needed to be done.  Early Intervention was called in, and we are facing weekly therapy sessions yet again.  For us, it's just a way to help Benjamin grow and meet the potential God has for him.  The lesson learned from our experiences with Tyler has made this journey with Ben slightly easier.  I know that God made no mistakes when creating Benjamin. 

But here's where that clear cut conversation with God about what decisions to make and what lessons need to be learned would be spectacular...  Benjamin is still a "high maintenance" baby.  Benjamin still does not sleep through the night.  As he did this morning, he wakes up way too early (like 5AM too early!)  As a very tired mom of 4, I find myself struggling to be the happy and loving mom Ben deserves.  I struggle to give him the smiling face that the other 3 boys have had when I would get them in the mornings.  Ben's and my relationship feels strained, which is a feeling I have not had with my other boys. 

Don't get me wrong, Benjamin is a wonderful little boy!  He is curious and inquisitive.  He is loving in his own way and has a very humorous personality.  What I struggle with is how much energy he requires and how little sleep he allows me to have.  I often find myself saying "if you would let me get sleep, I would be a much better mommy." 

I don't know what God is trying to teach me, if He's even trying to teach me anything...  What I do know is that God has blessed me with Benjamin and that I need to hourly remind myself of the BLESSING, rather than the lack of sleep and the struggles.  And, although it seems like I am floundering around like a fish out of water, with God's promises and gentle nudging, I can be a graceful swimming fish.

God's Timing is WAY Better than Mine!

As most people know, I have 4 beautiful boys, with the oldest being 5 and the youngest being 1, with no sets of twins.  When doing the math, that's 4 children in 4 years, with actually 5 pregnancies during those 4 years.  Some people may say we were crazy to have 4 in 4 years.  Many people would ask us, "You do know what causes this, right?!"  Yes, we knew.  What we didn't know is that God had a plan for us, and it did NOT involve anything we had planned.

When I became pregnant with our 3rd son, Zachary, we were NOT ready for another child.  Tyler had just been born 5 months earlier.  We had been on birth control, and were very confident that THIS time, we would not get pregnant.  (Yes, I said "this time", as we had gotten pregnant once before on birth control.)  But, as always, God's plans trump our own.  I got pregnant and was devasted.  I remember sobbing so hard that I couldn't breathe.  We were just starting to get into a routine with having a toddler and a newborn.  Tyler was just starting to sleep better at night.  I was just starting to see a small glimmer of my body returning to normal.  But, there I sat, with the pregnancy test in hand, knowing my life would never be the same.

I cannot remember my husband's reaction to the news, other than shock.  Shock actually seemed to be the general feeling for everyone.  I spent my days praying that God would do something to help us.  And that help wasn't necessarily more money or an extra pair of hands.  Rather, there were days when I prayed that God would take away the pregnancy.  The baby was better off with HIM, rather than with me. 

For over 7 months, I spent my days dreading the inevitable.  There was no joy, no excitement.  I was consumed with fear and anger and exhaustion.  Towards the very end of the pregnancy, I realized I had to accept what was going to happen.  I had to accept that just because it wasn't MY timing, that it could still work out.  So, with all the might I could muster, I chose to embrace what God had planned.  I spent the last couple weeks of my pregnancy preparing for our 3rd little monkey.  There was still fear, much of which was "would I love Zachary as much as the other 2 boys since I spent so long disliking the idea of having him".  But, I allowed the excitement and joy to bubble over. 

In the end of June that year, a BEAUTIFUL little boy was born, with gorgeous blue eyes, and a face you couldn't resist kissing.  Zachary was, and still is, a loving, mischievious little boy, who melts the heart of anyone near him.  God blessed us with such an amazing little boy, who only added joy to our family.  Looking back now, I cannot imagine our family without him.  At the time, I honestly felt that God's timing was wrong, and that God had no idea what He was doing.  BUT, God's timing is WAY better than mine!  He knew just what He was doing, and I cannot believe I ever doubted Him.  Everytime I run into something that seems to go against MY plans and MY timing, I look at Zachary.  He is my daily reminder that God's timing has always been, and always will be, PERFECT. 

God Doesn't Make Mistakes

I have learned a lot of things since becoming a mom.  I have learned how to make quick meals, how to change diapers while the child is standing, and even how to survive on only 4-5 hours a night for over 5 years.  One of the most important things I have learned I actually learned from Tyler, our 2nd oldest son.  I learned that God doesn't make mistakes.  Yes, the whole being "perfect" thing kind of makes that an obvious statement.  BUT, really, how many of us actually understand the depth of that? 
Just over 2 1/2 years ago, Tyler had just turned one and wasn't even babbling.  He spent much of his time sitting in the middle of our living room crying.  There was no attempt at communicating to me what he actually wanted.  Many hours a day were spent watching "Veggie Tales" videos, as it was the only thing that could calm Tyler down.  We even carried a DVD with us everywhere we went.  Tyler didn't want to be hugged or cuddled.  No back rubs and even tickles were just tolerated.  Our lives revolved around just keeping the peace. 
Knowing that his behaviors were not normal and that he was behind develpmentally, we sought help from Early Intervention (EI).  We learned that Tyler was functioning as a 6-8month old, depending on the different developmental areas.  He was functioning at a 1 month old level when it came to what he understood receptively (the information that goes IN).  We knew even before EI came out that he was probably on the Spectrum.  What we were facing was no different than what many other families have to face. 
Here's where the learning began for me.  We had a lot of decisions and choices to make.  What therapies were best, how to create the best home environment, how much stimming do we allow, etc.  One decision that no therapist or doctor ever touched on was how  I was going to accept this little boy and who he was.  For me, there was no question...  Tyler was created by God.  And, God doesn't make mistakes.  Tyler's delays and quirks were not a defect that God somehow missed.  Rather, they were intricately planned for Tyler.  EVERY aspect of Tyler was knitted perfectly by God. 
Accepting this led me to realize something I had been missing all of my life...  That I was knitted perfectly together as well.  No, I am not perfect.  Human nature keeps me from ever even coming close to perfect.  But, the person God created, is not a mistake.  The strengths, the weaknesses, the physical imperfections, were created by God specifically for me.  Same goes for you...  At no point does God make a mistake, which means each of us were created perfectly in HIS eyes. 

An Introduction to My Life

My hope for this blog is to give you a glimpse into the life that God has so lovingly blessed me with.  There are no eloquent words planned, no beautifully written excerpts to be expected.  All I can give you are open, honest words about my journey in this life.  I make no promises to write on a regular basis, as life can seem to run away from me sometimes.  But, when I have those "sweet moments of peace" where I can write, I certainly will take the time to share. 
God has been amazing to me and to my family.  There are so many things I want to share with you, from the joys (and struggles) of raising 4 young boys, to the personal journey of learning who I am outside of motherhood.  My hope is that through whatever ramblings I may post, it will spark something inside of others. 
As this blogging journey begins, I would love to hear from you, as well.  What do you want to hear about?  Is there something you always wanted to know about me?